Friday, December 31, 2010

A year of realizations, revelations, and reminders

As the year draws to a close I think back to how the year began. I began this blog with a letter I had written to and for myself. It was written because I needed it to be recorded, because I needed to remember.

That is what I love most about writing here. It's a place to come and write down the things that need... must be remembered.

As I think back over this year I see a constant struggle. Months where I completely trusted Him with no hesitation. Then there were months I didn't even search for His voice. Over the last few months I finally recognized this and searched for reasons why.

I think I found it.

Words have not yet been formed into sentences for me to write on this reason but I think that is because I still do not know the depth of it.

I recently took some time to reread that letter I had written this time last year. Lots of memories came flowing in, memories of pain, confusion, and loneliness. The way I learned so many of those lessons are very vivid in my memory and it took me a little while to get through it.

The past year has been very different from the previous one. It has been the year of realizations, revelations, and reminders. Throughout the year I have seen very little growth and for a while I felt guilty about this, then I realized that what the Lord has been doing is pruning. He has been cutting here and cutting there the things in my life that have...  that are slowing me down.

First I realized that the whole thing about God doing His best in you when are at the end of yourself is true, however you must empty yourself of yourself daily. Being empty is not a one time process, and it is amazing how quickly I am at filling up on myself.

I realized that last year was a year full of lessons on grace, and so was this year.

He revealed to me that while  last year I did a good job listening to this advice: you can ask God why... just don't get stuck there; however this year I got stuck.... a lot.... a WHOLE lot.

I realized that I still struggle with what it means to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. Day after day, night after night, He encourages me, sends His words to surround me, and yet I still have days when I feel unable, alone, and weak.

He revealed to me that I still have problems with the word trust.

I realized that I need Him more than I realize.

I remembered that I am forgiven.

I remembered that grace came free of charge, no strings attached, and on the house. Although I failed to give it that way enough.

He revealed that grace is one of those things that will take a lifetime to grasp... not just a year.

He revealed to me that writing is good for the soul.

I realized that giving thanks will change the way you see Him.

I once again remembered that He is faithful even though I am not.

And I realized just how blessed I am to be apart of this bloggy world that is full of amazing, faith-filled people like you that He uses to encourage and strengthen my faith.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Things that need to be remembered

The day of celebration for the birth of the King has come and gone. The decorations are mostly packed back in their boxes to be stored until next year.

The nativity is taken down, carefully wrapped and placed in a box. I wrap each piece and pray that as the box gets stored away that the thoughts of them do not.

As I sit here typing, rain is falling. A steady flow of drops for several hours. Rainy days.... my absolute favorite (although a snowy one would top it).

It's the type of day that forces me to sit and do nothing... a day to sit and ponder on the holy. My prayer is, as I think about those small figurines sitting in their box, that they will not be forgotten.

I want to remember the shepherds, and their rejoicing at the sight of the infant Christ. May they remind me throughout the year that the Father chose to send angels to some lowly shepherds, the keepers of sheep, ones thought to be ignorant, and a job looked down upon in that society. I pray that my response to Him is like that of the shepherds who immediately went to see that which the angel told them. And that my reaction, like theirs, is to be filled with worship.

I want to remember the kings who came to see a baby... who by faith followed a star having no idea what is was that they would find. I want to remember that even though He came as Immanuel, He is first and foremost a King and deserves respect and honor.

I want to remember the story of Joesph and Mary. Joesph, a man who trusted the Lord and did as he was told even though it must have been hard. Mary, a woman who had found favor in His eyes... oh to be one in whom He has found favor, is that not the ultimate achievement in life!

And lastly I want to remember this year that He came as a babe. He fully understood His purpose and what would be required and yet He came willingly.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Hope you all are having a very Merry Christmas:-)

Most importantly I hope you all are take a few minutes today to thank the One who is the reason why we celebrate this day.

Here is a short video telling the Christmas story in a very unique way.... enjoy and Merry Christmas!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve!!!!!

The Eve of the birth of the Promised Messiah!!

Oh what a night that must of been so very long ago. I can't imagine what was going through the minds of Joesph and Mary that night. I am sure they were quite frustrated that they could find no one willing to put up a very pregnant woman and her husband that evening.

I wonder what Joesph thought about laying his new little boy in a manger full of straw, after all he was a carpenter and if they had been at home I am sure that the newly born King would of had a hand-crafted cradle.

I wonder if Mary was just simply thankful for a quiet and dry place to welcome her precious baby into this world. That's how I imagine her; simple, humble, and thankful. I imagine her touching Joesph's arm reassuring him that a stable is just fine. After all there is no need to worry about whether or not this baby would make it to the world safely.

I wonder if the shepherds had any idea that in just a few hours their life would be changed forever. Maybe the sheep could feel a change in the air.

I wonder what heaven was like that night, all the angels knowing exactly what was about to happen. If the ones who were going to tell the news to the shepherds were shaking with excitement.

I wonder where the 3 wise-men were on their star-following journey. I wonder if they had even the slightest clue of what is was that they would find.

I wonder if Jesus was counting down the minutes till He would enter the world and begin His journey to the cross, to the moment that He would make it possible for His bride to have eternal life.

I wonder if the Father let tears fall as He watched His Son come into the world as a baby, knowing exactly the cost His Son was willing to pay for some mere humans.


"Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall call His name Immanuel,
(God with us)."
Matthew 1:23

Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Gingerbread football stadium

A few years ago the oldest P kid and I decided to build a real gingerbread house.... not one of those things out of a kit.

The first one was a Victorian style house complete with a bay window. It was about a foot tall and we were really impressed with ourselves.

Little did I know what I was getting myself into:-o

This year I asked Aust what we were going to make and he didn't bat an eye, "the razorback stadium."

"Oh really!" said a very surprised me.

"Yep, I thought we could use a challenge."

"Hmmmm.... welll...... ok as long as you figured out how to support it."

While shopping for materials the 8 yr old P daughter and I ran into a friend and was asked what we were doing... she replies, "getting stuff to build a gingerbread football stadium." To which I just smiled and said that we didn't know how to do simple at the P house. KK didn't miss a beat!! She just looked at me and said, "Well that would be boring!"

Oh my, what kind of monsters have I created??!!!

Since my handy iPhone has been causing me all sorts of problems I don't have pictures of the first few stages. But here are the first ones I took.....

At this point we had already spent 10+ hours on it


Yes that is a hot glue gun you see.... we are cheaters.... but did you really expect us to use just icing???

Other then hot glue and some popsicle sticks baked into the gingerbread for support, everything else is somewhat edible.

For those of you who are Arkansans you will notice this is NOT Donald W Reynolds football stadium, it happens to be War Memorial!!

We decided to scale back just a bit when we saw that our original plans wouldn't fit on the 4x5 (FOOT!!) table Aust built to hold the thing:-) So no upper deck and the stands don't go all the way around.

Here are the two end zones in process


The words are M&M's cut in half and glued down.
The middle picture is the field house (I know War Memorial doesn't have one but the original plan was for this to be the D.W.R. so we just stuck with the field house) and behind the field house is the where the jumbo tron will go.

Monkey wanted to help and she LOVES washing dishes and did so for over an hour:-)


Ok so next up is the almost finished field... this process of laying white coconut and green coconut took FOREVER!!! At least 4 hours with three of us working on it!!!



This pic shows the almost complete stands. The corner took a few times to get right:-/


And this is what it looks like after at least 20 hours put into it.... Jumbo tron still needs to be finished, i.e. the final score of that wonderful AR vs LSU game that was played a few weeks ago:-)






Closeup of the finished field with the uprights in place.


I tried to get an aerial pick my phone wouldn't cooperate with me. Here's the best one I got.


It really is pretty sweet.... (no pun intended, hehe)

Now what to create next year..........

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Tis the season..... for pondering

Driving in car, listening to a favorite album and doing a whole lot of thinking.

The incarnation consumes my thoughts.. for days now I can't stop pondering on. The theologian in me desperately wants to grasp the complexity of it. I know it is impossible here on this earth, with this mind, but someday I will.

The question why... how.... they are asked. But the one I cannot stop asking is, "What was it like?"

What was it like to be fully man/baby.... and yet fully God?
Was the cross on Your mind the moment You slipped into this world?
Did You remember carefully knitting each and every face that came to see You that night?

I want to know how it worked??

Was Your mind that of an infant, or that of the One who has always been?
Did Your eyes work like that of an baby, or did could You still see the unseen?
Were You confined to a body or where You still working alongside the Father creating the very souls that would one day crucify You?


Did You know that the whole world was resting on You shoulders?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Monday's gratitude list

It's only a few days now till the day we celebrate His birth.

I love this time of the year.. when it seems like the whole world celebrates for His birth, and most don't even realize that they are doing just that.

My play is over... the kids did a fabulous job and I had so much fun getting to know all of them.

My presents are all wrapped and some even delivered.

I got my first gifts this weekend. My favorite.... dinner with a family I have come to call my own.

#556-567

A weekend with friends and family

Watching the parents reactions to their children in the play

Watching those that I wasn't quite sure would remember their lines remember and do remarkably well.

Seeing baby Ben as baby Jesus.... and what a fantastic job the 6 month old did:-)

Watching the Pat's game with my favorite 8-yr old who gets just as excited as I do:-)

Snuggling with the little ones before they go to bed

Watching their faces light up as I play their fav worship song that I finally remembered to upload on my phone

Listening the littlest one singing about His love coming down to rescue us, if only we all could learn at this at the age of 4.

Creating masterpieces out of gingerbread with the now teenager of the group.

That masterpiece finally getting finished after at least 12 hours of working on it

Watching the kids open their gifts and excited that they are just as thrilled to get books as I was to give them books.

Finally sitting down to dinner with this sweet family... first time in the new house!






Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Oh the holidays.....

The holidays are upon us and as they were approaching I was full of anticipation, eager to bring out the decorations, and full of excitement for what was ahead.

Now that they are here, the excitement dwindles.

I forgot about the loneliness that creeps in with the holidays.

I forgot about the hurtful part of greeting old friends.

I forgot......

You see being a single girl, amongst a group of married friends and family is quite difficult, in a way that you wouldn't understand unless you've been there. And I mean really been there. And the difficulty of it is magnified during the holidays.

It's hard to always here, "Well I need to check with..." or, "No, ....and I already did that."

And there is nothing fun about showing up to every function by yourself.

But the worse part of it is seeing those you don't normally see throughout the years and having to answer all those unwanted questions about your life and how unsuccessful you have been (in their eyes of course).

It takes everything I have and some strength from the One above to answer each interrogating question with a smile.

"Yes, I'm still single."

"No, I am not seeing anyone."

And the really ignorant ones go a step further... "Don't you think it's time to be settling down?"

I force a smile and just say no, after all I really enjoy the freedom that comes with singleness.

Sometimes I even chuckle and tell them that my four-legged boyfriend leaves no time for a two-legged boyfriend (which is partially true thus the chuckle)

Little do they know the tears that are flowing beneath the surface. Of course I want to be settling down, its the deepest desire of my heart to be married.

The question I wish I could ask them is how I get the Creator of the Universe, and the Director of my steps to put that plan in motion? Is there a secret that I am unaware of? Is there some magic prayer that I need to be saying to get Him to understand just how much I want it to be my turn? Because I would love to be enlightened.

So, I suppress the strong urge to be hateful and remind my self that people rarely think before they speak.

.... and to be full of grace.

Because the One I serve says it is not man that I should seek to please but Him and only Him.

And then someone ends the conversation with, "you look so happy."

That's because I am.

Because I am in the center of His will and that my friends, is the very best place to be.

#541-555

The beauty of Christmas, a time to celebrate the promise of our Messiah

The beauty in knowing that the promise was fulfilled.

The way Christmas lights make everything look so pretty.

Enjoying the cold... and everything that comes with it like...

Hot chocolate...

And hot tea...

And warm blankets.

The love for my warm snugly, blankets piled on high bed.

The struggle to get out of that warm bed when the morning alarm goes off.

The joyful feeling once I finally get out of that bed, pull on the thick layers of clothes and trudge out to fix breakfast for my fuzzy children.

The greeting from an old friend every morning as I walk out to serve her a steaming, hot breakfast.

That sweet nicker I hear as I near the gate.

The sweet smell of hay as I toss out a flake for each.

Watching those fuzzy children race around in the morning cold, full of energy and life.

Realizing that feeding them makes getting up early worth it.

My 4-legged boyfriend  :-)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

What now

I do not believe in coincidences... because I believe in the Holy Spirit.

And it should not surprise me that while in the midst of my own struggles that I am lead to a story about struggles.

And it is through this story that He speaks to my heart and reminds me that He is a faithfully forgiving and grace giving Father.

A character asks her great-grandma what she should do about the trouble she seems to have gotten herself into.

Immediately she is answered, "You're going to eat right and get your health back.You're going to stop kicking yourself. You're going to get back up and put one foot in front of the other and get on with your life. That's what we all have to do."

The reply is very much a cry from my own heart, "You make it sound so easy."

Her Oma reminds her that nothing is easy. "Life isn't easy. We do the best we can with what God gives us."

Still unsure of herself she states, "I've made a mess of everything." A cry that I'm afraid I know all too well.

Then come the words from the wise old grandma who has been in that spot so many times herself.

"It's not about what you've done. It's about what you're going to do now."

The very same words my Father whisper to me each time I think I've reach the point of no return.

Because He never kicks those who are down.

He does not dwell on our past.

The Almighty tells us that He takes our mistakes, our wrongdoings, our sins... and cast them as far as the east is from the west.

All I have to do is let them go.... it is I.... never Him who dwells on those things already done... already in the past.


The story mentioned above comes from Francine River's book "Her Daughter's Dream"

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Just do the next right thing

I've been reading this blog for almost a year now... at first I thought the idea of counting blessings was a sweet one. I read a few other blogs that joined in the counting and enjoyed reading their lists. Then just before summer arrived I joined in the journey to a thousand gifts. Little did I know just how much of an impact that small, yet ever growing list would have on my life.

The impact of this list slowly crept in, at first unnoticed. Then I forgot about it... got to busy to take the time to count. I'm sure you know how that is.

But here recently the Almighty keeps whispering in my ear about it. He doesn't nag me about it, it's more like a constant tapping on the shoulder. An encouraging tapping, because He knows the importance of this lesson and apparently wants me to grasp its importance.

I think, maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to understand the importance.

You see a few weeks ago the counting became something pushed to the back burner. One of those I'll-do-it-tomorrow things. And then I wrote this post and realized that I desperately needed to get back in the habit.


But I kept forgetting. Or maybe a part of me didn't want to?


I'm learning that when we live in a constant state of gratitude their is no room for selfishness. And I am a selfish person. One thing that counting my blessings has done is show me just how selfish I really am. It has brought out the child in me. I realize that when things don't the way I want them to I tend to shut Him out.


Because the way my life goes primarily depends on the plans He has for me. 

I forget that the one who allows the Lord to direct his steps is one who will be richly blessed.

I forget that His ways are better then mine.

I forget....

Then I realized that my enemy has been successfully diverting me from this task because he is fully aware of just how dangerous giving thanks can be.

And that just makes me mad. When I start to look at life through His eyes I begin to see my flesh for what it really is.

It breaks my heart... because once again I have strayed from His arms.

But I do only what I can do... and that is to do the next right thing. Which is to count....

# 530-540

Thanksgiving.... because we must learn to give thanks.

Family.... because they are who I have for the rest of my life

Friends.... because without them I think I would be lost

The holiday season.... because it reminds of the 2 most important things: gratitude and the birth of our Savior

Christmas... because of all the decorating
                   and all the glitter
                   and its the season giving
                   and baking
                   and Christmas music
                   and because without the birth of my Savior I would           
                   be forever lost


           

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The struggle with-in

It's been well over a week since I have ventured here to share my thoughts... my heart.

To be very honest with you I have stayed far away from this place... and it's not for lack of writing material.

I started writing here for myself.... as a way to record those things that He teaches me. A place that I could go back and read for myself what I have learned.... what I should of remembered.... and maybe share a few things with a few close friends.

But the God I serve once again shows me that it is never about me... and always about Him. One thing I have learned in the short time I have been blogging is that God uses the broken, the humble, the ones who feel so unworthy. He uses them in ways that make them uncomfortable.

I can't even begin to express my gratitude for the sweet words that so many of you leave for me to see.

I am once again left amazed at how He works.... after all none of you know the heart struggle I have. But He does, and He sends words of encouragement when I need it the most. 

You see there is a monstrous struggle going on inside of me. A tug-a-war of sorts between my flesh and my spirit. It slowly wears me down.

Another day goes by and as it draws to a close I head for bed. I turn to close the door and stop.... there right in front of me is a door covered in words.... words given to me from Him.

As I read the many verses my mind wanders back to the moments that each were written... each one holds a special meaning, all written down in moments when I thought I was lost beyond hope, moments when I felt no peace. Words of encouragement from the only One who can speak to the depths of my soul.

My eyes land on one, I close my eyes and let it sink in.
For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." 
Deuteronomy 20:4

I do not fight this battle alone...

And according to this, losing is not an option.

Oh how wonderful and marvelous our Father is. He who is faithful to fight for us even when we prove to be unfaithful to Him.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I will give thanks

The days have been dreary. The days have been gloomy.

Not suffocatingly dark.... but not breathtakingly bright.

I feel like He is distant... but i know it is I that is distant. 

Why is it that when I become gloomy that I blame Him?

When I finally let it go.... when I finally come to lay it at His feet feet... to figure a way out of the shadows, He says to give thanks.

Give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

#501-505

I am thankful for my home... my roommate.... my job.... my co-workers... enough to pay my bills and a few extras.

#506-510

I am thankful for my singleness which gives me time to serve others.... take spontaneous trips... finish school.... ride my horses... and random sleepovers with precious children.

I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness; I will sing praises of the the name of the Lord Most High.
Psalm 7:17

#511-516

I am thankful for my church... for the chance to love on some kids... for the blessing that those children are to me..... for my fellow AWANA leaders and our pursuit to spur those kids on in memorizing scripture and drawing closer to Him.... for a family that knows what love is.... for a place to worship with fellow believers.... for a feast on the Word each and every Sunday.

I will give thanks to You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonderful deeds.
Psalm 9:1

#517-519

I am thankful that I am His..... that I get to tell of His wonderful deeds... for living in a country that offers the freedom to speak of Him.

Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.
Psalm 106:1

#520-523

I am thankful for His love... for His grace... for His mercy, and that they are free and that they will last forever.

I will give You thanks, for You answered me; You have become my salvation.
Psalm 118:21

#524-529

I am thankful for salvation.... for sacrifice.... and for His loyalty. I am thankful for a God who not only listens to my prayers but answers them. I am thankful that He answers them according to His will..... not mine.

I count aloud the things that He has blessed me with and slowly the clouds break and the sun peeks through.

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/Zs4bEZFdAD-LCbrJssIbYQ

Friday, November 12, 2010

Truths to remember

Days go by and struggles come,
sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. 
The flesh in me wants to do wrong, 
the Spirit says to do right.
I want to do right. I don't always succeed.

The problem is no matter how hard I try to justify it,
wrong is never right, and truth never lies.

I wrestle with my flesh, I want His peace.
I forget that peace never fights.
When will I learn to sit still in His peace
and let Him do the fighting.

I yearn for brokenness, 
and it comes in the form of tears.
The trouble is that tears, they dry.
I search for ways to earn my way back to Him, 
yet I somehow forget,
  that His grace is always free.

I am convinced that I have to earn His love,
and that it runs out.
But I don't, and it doesn't.
The beauty of my Savior is
that His love is free
and it never runs dry.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

Stillness

Scripture tells us to come before Him... to kneel before His throne and declare that He is God.

But I am wretched, a fractured human torn into a thousands pieces. And those pieces are distracting. I want to be put back together... but first I have to let go.

Which means I have to go back.... and think of those regrets, of those unwise choices.

Scripture says....
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:12
We must let it be true in us.... for us.

Scripture also tells us that we can never flee from His presence.

A comforting... yet daunting truth.

It means that He is there in those hiding places. The dark ones we sneak off to when we think no one is watching. Those places we go to feed..... pacify our addictions and pains.

He is there... always there.... always watching.

He says to us...

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
When we take on His yoke, we leave behind 

our worries
all our doubts
concerns about the future
the distress we carry within
the things that cause us pain
and everything that keeps us up at night

Then we find that His yoke is

light
gentle
comforting
effortless
undemanding
abundant

 Then I can be still.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The more I seek

Lying in bed talking to my Maker..... thinking....

The year is almost gone which means a birthday is soon to follow. Not just any birthday.... that one birthday. The one which I had set some goals for.... my goals.... my plans.... not His.

A conversation with my sister stirs in me feelings I have not felt in quite awhile. She didn't mean to hurt me, her words were in no way unkind. Words spoken to me by many people and all who have my best interests at heart. It's not their fault they hurt.

In some ways I think they must hurt. After all....
When I set up my own plans without asking Him the consequences are almost always painful.
That struggle with loneliness creeps back in and seeks to set up camp. 

I let it. 

I spend the next few days dwelling there... asking Him why. But I know why.... It's that topic of reckless abandonment that I wrote on just recently. He wants everything.... all my desires... all my hopes.... all my dreams. He wants me to yearn for Him like I yearn for that family I so desperately want.

I ask for His comfort... for His peace... for a stronger faith.

But I don't look for it.

I read a friends blog and it makes me stop and think. How often I miss Him. And then I think about all the things I have missed. He did answer my prayer, it was I who did not seek Him. It is I who stopped looking. 

I have a sweet puppy who sits on the couch with me while I watch a movie... his head on my lap soaking up every moment with his favorite person. Every morning he is happy to see me.... he spends his whole day looking for me, waiting for that moment that I walk through the door and pet him.

I have time to spend in the saddle.... to take a trailride and soak in His beauty.

I have time to sneak over to the nephew's house, watch a movie, tickle his toes, and read him stories.

I have a little girl in my Awana's group who thinks of me all week long... and gives me a mountain of pictures drawn by her every Wednesday night.

Then just last night a question asked to a crowd of kids about people they are thankful for gets one to stand up and thank his Sunday school teacher.... just a sentence.. but one that warmed my heart in a way he will never know.

In simple yet profound ways He tells me that the more I seek Him the more I will find Him... but I must seek... and search.... and look for Him in every situation.

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. 
Deuteronomy 4:29

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

O How He Loves me so

It's Sunday morning and a visit to a different church while visiting my brother speaks louder to my heart then any other service I have been too as of late. It wasn't a profound sermon preached, nor was it some new song that was sung.

It was in fact just a brief moment, during a song that is a favorite... sung many times before. The words are fairly simple....o how He loves me... sung over and over. Then the sentence is changed... o how I love you....

I start to sing the words but nothing comes out. I sang the words o how He loves me with ease. I know He loves me, He tells me so all the time. Never a question is the Father's love for His daughter... His chosen one... His beautiful bride.

But the words o how I love you... should they even be sung?

Do I love Him in even a fraction of the way He loves me?

Should I sing about my love for Him right after I sing about His love for me?

O how He loves me....

O how I love Him.....

It seems as though those two sentences are as different as night and day.

I think about the way He loves me, how it never wavers, how undeserving of it I am. Then I think about the way I love Him and I want to shrink into a dark hole. My love for Him is never consistent. He is as deserving of love as you can get, yet the One who is loved the least.

The song is over just as quickly as it began and I sit down for the rest of the service. The moment lingers... I spend the morning.... day... week.... month... pondering on those two sentences.

A song sung this week at my church brings tears to my eyes. The love given by a mere man is absolutely nothing compared to that of the love from the Father.

His love is what gives me strength. Without it I would cease to survive. It is what gives me hope. It's everything that my heart cries out for.

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.
I have seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and Your glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. 
I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You. 
On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night. Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. I cling to You; Your right hand upholds me.
 Psalm 63:1-8

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

An update from my crazy busy life

Well my blogger friends life has been crazy!!! The moth of October was sooooo busy. I thought the month had just started and then BAM November's here. You ever have months like that???

Well it is officially my favorite time of the year:-) Fall which leads into winter!! I love all the pretty colors that come with fall and I love cold weather. There really is nothing better then curling up in a comfy chair, snuggled in a blanket, with a cup of hot chocolate or tea or coffee, reading a book or watching a movie.

Just the other morning I went out to feed and saw this


Frost!!!!! Sad news for my flowers.... they won't have their pretty blooms for much longer:-( But with frost comes a whole new type of beauty.


I took this pic of Dutch eating her breakfast and I love how the sun rays sparkle here.


And this is perhaps my fav pic I've taken in awhile.


Does that not take your breathe away?? I Love the color of the sky, the way the sun peaks through the trees and the sparkle of the frost on the blades of grass.

Well October was busy but I'm afraid that November will be even busier!! I have taken on the role of play director/choir director for my church's Christmas program. Never done either before but I'm always up for a challenge and the hard it is the better I like it:-) Of course I don't do anything the easy way nor do I do simple so of course I am rewriting/merging 2 plays together for this program. The play that I was given is great but not nearly enough parts and far too short for the talent that is at my church. I really like my finished product and look forward to seeing how it turns out. We have only 6 practices!!!! The performance date is Dec 19 so as you can imagine I will be busy, busy, busy!!!

I wouldn't do life any other way though.... I like being busy. However, I don't know the last time I ever had a season in life where I wasn't busy so I don't have a clue what sitting around is like.... maybe I would like it, lol.

I am working on some really good stuff but as you can see there is a lot on my plate writing wise so most of my com time has been on the play. Look for some new posts in the next week. God's been putting a few post on my heart and His posts are always better then mine. I can't wait to see how they turn out. I love it when He gives me words to share with others.... I love it when He gives me words period!!!

O how I love this awesome God we serve!!!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Counting a multitude of Blessings

October has been such an incredibly busy month.... I sure do hope November settles down, although with the approach of the holidays I doubt that it will. I will say that I love the months of November and December. The holiday season is def one of my favs and I adore Christmas and almost everything that comes with it. However with the added craziness sometimes it is the important things in life that get forgotten.... like for instances.... my quiet time.

Why is it that when life gets busy... when I most need His Word... I cut it out? Am I really that easily persuaded by the enemy? Sadly I guess that I am. The next thing that goes is the counting of blessings. When I stop listening to Him I stop finding Him. No wonder my life has been feeling weird as of late. So here am I confessing all here on this blog, for all to see, mainly for my own eyes, so that I might keep myself accountable. And now for the phrase that my friends and I always say to one another.... just do the next right thing. So I am....... and by the way..... I have reached the half way point of my 1000 gifts(-:

#476-500

Fall

Evenings cool enough for hoodies

New blog layout that has pretty fall colors

All the leaves turning bright colors expressing the creativity of their Maker

A weekend camping trip

A lost flashlight found

Nights spent in a tent... just me and the dog

A whole day spent in the saddle

A long and surprisingly peaceful ride on my Romeo

A short but fun ride on my sweet mare

Sunset ride on a schoolmaster

Yummy camping food

Late night talks with new friends

Learning new things about old sports

Seeing His creation from the back of one of my favorites of His creation

A harsh thunderstorm forcing me to move my tent to the barn where I then fell asleep to the lovely sound of my horses munching away on their hay

Falling asleep to the sound of rain hitting the metal barn roof(-:

Being woken up by that all-to-familiar will-you-get-up-and-feed-me-already nicker from that mare I've had for more then half my life now

The joy of a good winning football weekend

Running errands with my mom talking about life

Surprising my nephew at school

Playing basketball with the nephew

The random statements that a three year old makes

Sitting with friends enjoying a yummy stew

Pondering with a bf about the different between Moses, Jacob, and Joshua (from the OT) and how I wish I was more like Joshua but really I'm a Jacob and sometimes a Moses

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What do I know of Him

It's raining today and I think this....

How much more we appreciate the rain after a season of drought.

The earth has been dry for many months and as the rain falls the trees drink their full.

The Almighty takes care of even the smallest little flower... and it causes my thoughts to wonder back to the topic of His glory.

The pastor has been preaching on this for several weeks now and I seem to be consumed by it.

Isn't that how I should always be? Constantly consumed by the glory of the One who gives me life.

I listen again to the song that seems to be the only one I listen to as of late.

What do I really know of Him?

Is it even possible to understand even a small piece of the One who is Everlasting? Isn't every glimpse of His character just that... a glimpse, an indication of what He might be? Does the Creator allow His creation to see even a speck of His glory? Would I survive if I did see His glory?

His glory is as vast as the ocean and I stand but on the shore, seeing only the small waves that wash over my feet. Just a small dose... after all too much and I would drown.

He reveals His glory like He sends the rain. Sometimes in a steady drizzle, over many days. Sometimes it pours down on me and fills me like a raging river carrying more water then it can hold.

The rain here stops and the sun comes out to shine. But the ground still longs for rain.... the little that fell did not satisfy the longing. 

And that's how I feel after receiving just a mere glimpse of His glory. The little that fell takes away my breath, yet I so desperately want more. 

But like the rain it most stop. For if it does not it will bring about my death for no man can withstand the weight of the fullness of His glory. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

Multitude Monday

A few Mondays have come and gone without a single thanksgiving recorded here. It's a sad thing when I get so wrapped up that I can't even take the time to write down a few of the things that my Creator has done for me.

Because He is faithful even when I am not I will continue to count.....

#448-475

The mercy that is found on the cross

Weekend visit to see baby brother

Hugging baby brother

Watching that little boy grow up into a man

Time with the parents

Phone conversations with a friend who lives away

A football game with my wonderful dad and my sometimes fantastic little brother

Enjoying that enormous Texas stadium

Seeing my "big brother" and "nephew" at that same game

Fellowship with believers who have been walking with Him longer then I have been alive

Sweet homemade gifts from a sweet little one at AWANA'S

Watching God answer prayers that seem to be impossible to fix

Knowing and being reassured that with God ALL things are really possible

Capturing sweet memories with my nephew

Taking time to braid my young horses mane

A trail ride with the old friend

Soaking in God's beauty as I ride through the trees

Cool, crisp, fall mornings

Sweet words whispered from above while in worship to my King

Reassurance from above that I am never really alone

A weekend full of good food and fellowship with people I am just starting to get to know

The blessings that come from taking time to help one who is not yet a believer

Friends who join me in on-your-knees-crying-out-to-the-Lord for a friend who is still blind to His hope

God using that unbeliever to point out the hope that I have and to never underestimate the peace that comes with living every day knowing that He is there and that I have something to live for

His love

His compassion

His mercy

His faithfulness



Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; 
Great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23



holy experience

Friday, October 15, 2010

Reckless Abandonment

Lying in bed, thinking about Him, searching for ways to be closer… to better know who He is.

I read from His book but still want more… my eyes move to the bookcase across the room.

I make my way and run my hands over all the different spines that fill the shelves. So many choices…..so many voices…..so many words.

Words….I’m so consumed with words. With the power that they have.

I search for words….words from one who has walked before me, from one who is far wiser then I could ever hope to be, one who might shed light on a part of Him that I have yet to find.

My hands stop, hover over a worn copy of a book. One that was given to me in the first few years of my journey here in the real world, in a world that often takes the unexpected turns, in a world where the only way to true happiness is found in the One who is the definition of happiness.

I am not yet ready to share the name of this book...maybe sometime soon...maybe far in the future…..maybe never unless asked.

I carry it back to the bed with me, open the cover and read the note from the wise women who so graciously made it a point to give it to me. The words turn blurry through my tear-filled eyes as I feel His arms wrap around me in a way that is unexplainable. He sends comfort to me in my most favorite way….through words.

Reckless abandonment

Those are the words that He speaks….

Reckless abandonment

That is what He wants from me.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.

Recklessly follow Me….recklessly love Me….recklessly leave behind all that you know, all that is comfortable, all that is normal, all that you think will fulfill you.
Leave it all

All of it?

Yes, all of it.

I want it all….all your hopes, all your dreams, all your desires…..all your plans.

I am all you have ever hoped for….I will make your dreams come true….I will fulfill your deepest desires….and I will make all your plans.

But to do so means giving up everything.

Everything

“A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to ‘accept’ Christ without forsaking the world.” A.W. Tozer

Following Him with reckless abandonment requires forsaking the world and all that it has to offer.

So few truly understand that following Him cannot be done half-heartedly. He will not be satisfied with just a part of you...He wants all or nothing.

Giving up everything to Him means that I must die….and death is painful.

He promises life, life abundantly. The dreams, the desires, the plans that He offer’s are worth that painful death.

Its not just a religion to follow.

No, He wants more from you then just some religious acts. He wants your heart...my heart.

He wants me to recklessly abandon everything.... and follow Him.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me."
Matthew 16:24

Friday, October 8, 2010

Friday Update

Hello blogger friends.... I'm afraid the last few weeks have been bad for blogging.

As you know, I am an avid horse lover and I love all things Dressage, Eventing, and Jumping so since the World Equestrian Games (they are our sports biggest event... like even bigger then the Olympics) are going on right here in our country for the first time in history. Since I am poor I cannot be there in person so the 2nd best thing is to watch it live from my computer.... so that my friends is why I have not been here lately :-)

 So now, for a quick update. Today I am on my way to Texas.... which by using my handy dandy iphone I might just be able to update from the road(: I am on my way to see the hogs play my baby brother. He has been gone to tech training for a few months now, and I'm sorta starting to miss him... lol. Nah, I really do miss that kid, and I can't wait to hug him... that is if he will hug his older sister, he is still a teenager so its not cool to hug your siblings yet.

And along with seeing my brother, dad got tickets to the Arkansas vs. A&M game!!!!!!!

I have the BEST dad ever!!!!

He sure knows the way to my heart :-)

I am sooooo excited to see the game... and the best part about it is that it is at Texas stadium... that big HUGE stadium with the ginormous screen. I'm forgetting that it is home to those nasty cowboys (sorry if your a fan but I just cant say much nice about them, except for Felix Jones). It's a wonderful opportunity to experience a small piece of greatness in football.... sigh.... I sure do love fall!!!

Well I got to go pack and get ready to leave so goodbye... for now!!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Jesus is not crazy

I babysit this sweet little 5 yr old 2 nights a week. Her mommy does not know Him and lives a life full of darkness. I get to love on her little girl, take her to church, and tell her about her Father who loves her. I get to pray over her, with her, and plant seed after seed in her little heart. She loves AWANA'S and I can't even begin to tell you just how important Wed are to her... to me as I care for her. There is not much in this world as precious as a little one reciting words... but not just any words... His Words.

Words are powerful... as I writer I am well aware of this fact, and so are many of you.

His words are powerful but more importantly they are life changing.

Today they might not mean anything to this little girl... but He says that if you hide His word in your heart then He will make it a lamp to your path.

My prayer is of course that through Sparks this little one will come to know Him as her personal Savior... that she will grasp as much as she can the greatness of His love.

I also pray that one day... maybe a long time from now... maybe not....

That one day, when she is older... when she is lost... when she doesn't know which way is up.... when she feels lonely... sad... or unloved....

That on that day she will remember the Words memorized so long ago at the tender age of 5 that He is mighty in power. That for He so LOVED the world that He sent His son. That He loves her. That in her darkest hour it is His light that provides the way out.

She may not ever remember the name of her babysitter but I pray that she reminders that babysitters God.

This sweet little girl already knows that God is great, the maker of all things. She already knows that He loves her and that He made her to be sooooo special. Sparks has been a great tool for us to talk to about the concept of sin and last night we had a great conversation about why Jesus had to die.

Just this morning on the way to meeting her mommy we had this conversation.

Me- "Dually (my roommates dog) is crazy!!"
5 yr old- (laughing) "Yes he is!!"
Me- "And so are we!!"
5yr old- "Yep, we sure are!!"
   - long pause -
5 yr old- "Jesus isn't crazy. God isn't crazy."
Me- "Your right He's not."
5 yr old- "Nope, God is wise."

Theses words warmed my heart. I think that God has some special plans for this little girl.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

No words today

Today I come with nothing to say.

For once the words are not there.... as I search my thoughts for something, anything to write about nothing comes.

My walk with Him is quiet today. No soft words spoken from His mouth.

Maybe I'm not listening.... maybe I'm being to loud to hear His words.

Or maybe... just maybe today He is quiet.

There are hours... days... sometimes weeks that go by without that closeness, with that feeling that I am alone and that He is far away.

But I know that those feelings are deceiving.

He NEVER goes... He is NEVER far away.

He is here. He is close by. He is right here next to me... inside of me.

Never leaving, never changing, always listening, always here... always loving.

A good talk with close friends leads to conversations about finding Him.... about how we hear His voice.

And I remember reading this post from a favorite place and reading her words cause me to pause and really think.
"Maybe it's this: God hides with the poor and in the pain and we can only witness Him at His most beautifully creative work in the places needing redemption. Maybe we are only at our most beautiful work in the same places too --- the places where we don't hide behind the distractions of stuff, where we finally empty our hands of all our possessions and idols and come to God empty and ready. The places where we can make art with tears."
Maybe the reason why all is so quiet is because there are things in hiding... hidden even from myself. Maybe I don't want to find those things. Maybe I'm content being full of my possessions and idols. Maybe my heart is harder then I think it is.

This I know for sure: God does His very best work in me when I am completely empty of myself.

So I will not be content with silence today. Instead I will search... and pray for that emptiness. For the hidden to be made known. For all barriers that stand between me and His voice to be torn down.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My crazy, busy life: an update

I just went a whole week without blogging.... it's been awhile since that has happened.

I started 3 different posts last week but never got around to finishing any. I know, kinda sad, right?

Well life has just been crazy and really busy... really, really busy.

I like it busy, although sometimes I have to remind myself to stop and take a few months to breathe. And I did just that, yesterday morning.

 It has finally started to cool off around here. Hopefully it will stay that way and not return to that horrible above 90 degree weather that seemed to never want to end.

I have been riding 3 horses more then 3 days every week now for the last month and I feel great. Although all this exercising makes me hungry... all the time... and I mean its that stomach growling, starving feeling. I try to ignore it but it's kinda hard. I am hoping to lose more weight, and build muscle tone. So far no weight loss, which I attribute to A. the building of muscle (which I can tell) and B. the fact that I am eating more. I'm not eating unhealthy, well I was for a few weeks, but I nipped that one in the butt. So hopefully by Christmas I'll be down 10lbs.

Riding has been soooooooo good. I can't wait to see where I am come spring. It is so therapeutic for me. God has been doing some awesome things in my heart lately and hopefully in the next week I'll be able to write about some of them.

I never got around to counting my blessings last week (shame, shame on me)..... but I'm here now and that's what counts.

#426-447

It's fall... which means.....

Football games

Campfires

Cool, crisp mornings

Slightly warm afternoons

Perfectly cool evenings

Leaves changing

Bugs dying

Windows open

Music blaring

Horses fresh

Sweating to a minimal

Time for hoodies to come out

Good times for evening walks with friends

Still warm enough for flip flops

Yet cool enough for a jacket

Perfect mornings for a quiet time on the porch with a cup of hot coffee

A new season

Which means that last season is gone

A chance to begin again

A chance to leave behind old habits

Opportunities for new habits to form

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

He is because He is

How do you know Him?

Don't ask me how I know Him.

I know Him because I do.

It might not make sense to you... but it does to me.

He is there because He is.

He is there because I can feel Him.... I can see Him... I can hear Him.

He and I are one. The Maker lives inside His creation. In their hearts.... in their soul.... closer to them then their very own skin.

My very breath depends on Him.

I see His hands in all creation.

How do you know He exists... you can't see Him.

Don't tell me He doesn't exist.

How can you look up at the stars and question their Maker?

How can you look at a newborn and not see the image of the One in who we are created to be like?

Do you really believe that all this happened by chance... that we really came from nothing?

What if your wrong??

What if your wrong??

I may not have all the answers but I know truth.

It is rather simple.... He is truth.

He is the I AM... upon which everything stands on.

Apart from Him there is no truth... no light... no life.

I do not know... can not know everything about Him.

But I do know this....

I am not wrong.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My new home.... and my amazing God

Whew.... so there is so much to tell. My life is crazy busy. I am so thankful for this job that allows me to sit here and write. It may not pay much but it is definitely the job I need right now.

As you all know I have moved and horses are finally home with me. I, with my handy dandy new iphone, have finally taken some pics of the place.

Here is the side-view of the house with the barn in the background. Behind me is the pasture my horses are in.



Here are my 2 lovely steeds in their pasture.... they want me to stop taking pics and feed them their dinner(-:





Here is the barn


And the arena.... my favorite part(-:


I still can't believe that this is where I live. So far we have ridden almost every day. It is so fantastic to have someone to ride with. But now I must tell you the best part

You know, from reading all my past posts, that I've been struggling to understand the plan that God has for me right now. I know that one day my life will be consumed with a family, raising kids, homeschooling, taking care of my home, and being a wife. But I've wrestled with knowing what God wants me to do in the mean-time. Why He hasn't brought that man into my life has been a prevailing question. I've been praying, seeking out why I'm still single and what it is that He wants me to do during this season of life. I have heard Him tell me what He does not want me to do but no clear answers on what to do.

I know that part of it is that I am learning patience. This go-doer, fixer, constantly having to move person is learning the meaning of being still and waiting on the Lord. A very, VERY hard lesson for me to learn. But I am learning it.

So a little bit over a month ago I thought I heard Him tell me to ride horses. I struggled with this because I am very cautious when it comes to my horses. I often feel like that when I spend a lot of time with them or begin to pursue my dreams of competing that it is out of my own selfish desires. So when I heard Him say ride horses I questioned if that was His voice or mine.

Well I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more and the answer was clear to at least pursue it. So I did and that's how I ended up here.

I woke up this morning knowing that I clearly heard His voice in this and that I am in the center of His will. I know that this is exactly where He wants me.

A month ago, I only knew a handful of unbelievers and I was not close at all to any of them. In the past 2 weeks I have been surrounded by them and have begun to develop relationships with a few.

This is quite scary. It has been intimidating. One of the girls, JT, is searching. She is on the fence. She wants to believe in God but has some many unanswered questions. We had a long talk one night and it was somewhat discouraging. I don't have answers to her questions.

How do I know He is real?

Because I do.

I know that He lives inside of me.

I know that He is my Savior.

I know because I have a relationship with Him.

Because He and I are one... we cannot be separated. He is apart of me... closer then my own skin.

I may not be able to explain Him scientifically, but I can give you a reason for the hope that lives inside of me.

One thing I do know is that God cannot, and never will be, fully understood. If I could give a reasonable, rational answer to everything about Him then there would be no reason for faith. Faith is a key part in the relationship with Him. Belief in Him just because He says to is essential to salvation. It requires a humbleness, a realization that He is supreme and I am not. That He is holy and I am wretched. That I am in need of something that I can't get on my own. That above all I need Him...  I need Him to give me faith to believe in Him.

And that's what I told her.

I told her that I wish I could answer her questions. But faith can't be explained... it must be experienced and it must be given by God.

I felt defeated after that conversation... that I should of said more. Worried that I didn't make sense or that what I said sounded uneducated. Doubt crept in and the enemy tried to set up camp inside of me.

Thankfully He is a God who encourages, who protects His sheep, and a God who hears the cries of His children.

Last night JT and I talked again. After an evening of working with the horses we sat down out back to talk. She told me that she respected me. She told me, (pardon the language but these are her words, not mine) that I wasn't someone she'd want to F*** with. That I actually intimidated her. That normally she is the type of person that sees someone like me and tries to mess them up. Not me, she said, I wouldn't want to mess you up. Then she tells me that being around me makes her cautious, that she catches herself not wanting to cuss around me.

I'm not telling you this to brag on myself... but because I was shocked.

It was totally a God thing. As I went to bed I heard His voice, "I told you to trust Me. This isn't about you... remember... it's all about Me. As long as you are willing and obedient you will eat the best of the land."

And it was the best.... nothing.... and I say NOTHING compares to knowing that God just used you to impact someones life for His kingdom. It's the most comforting, encouraging, amazing feeling ever.

So, as I told my dad last night. Yes, God did tell me to ride horses, and He'll fill in the details.



*So if you will.... please join me in praying for JT. That God will continue to open doors there for me. That she will remain open to Him. Pray for a soft heart , for us both. That I will remain obedient and willing. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be from Him. And also that I will remain strong, realizing that all around there are people watching my every move. I want my light to shine and for His love to be seen in my every action.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Multitude Monday

Last week was a long one. A lot of crazy things mixed with a lot of great things. I see God at work but it sure is crazy.

# 401-425

A great friend

Cool morning and a light rain

Good football games

My iphone

A great kickoff for Awana's

Text messages

The anticipation of NFL starting

Shopping

Late night talks

A long trailride

A roommate who shares my love of horses

Canned peaches

Getting paid to watch SEC football

A Saturday morning at work which begins with coffee and college gameday

Finding the perfect shirt for my nephew, "I don't come with mute button" if only you knew just how perfect it fits this 3 year old :-)

Butterflies on the trail

A few more boxes unpacked

A training schedule

Goals for the upcoming horse show

Friendly competition

Early morning feeding of the horses... all tucked in their dry stalls munching on grain while rain pours all around

Knowing that He is my all in all

Late night pondering's

A God who cares enough to lecture me when I'm wrong

The peace that is given when I finally give in to His ways




holy experience

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Completely off topic post

So I really didn't think I would write on here about this.... but really I can't help myself.

You see I like football.... well maybe that's an understatement. I LOVE football.

College is fantastic and I am a true Arkansas Razorback fan. I love them hogs and when my 3 yr old nephew feels like I'm ignoring him he starts that wooooooooooo pig sooooooey and it always works (I've trained him well) :-):-)

However, nothing compares to my dedication and love for my Patriots. I am a loyal, die hard New England fan.


Like so loyal that this morning at about 7 I get a twitter update from Mike Reese, their media guy, saying that Tom Brady was in a car wreck. That was it. I think my heart might have stopped. It was a long 5 min before the next update came that said he was ok.

Needless to say... that's not a good way to be woken up in the morning.

Are you catching on to the fact that I sorta like football:-)

Well... tonight is the kickoff for the NFL. I love watching college football, especially SEC, but I completely and utterly enjoying watching NFL. Tonight the Vikings play the Saints and I am practically jumping up and down with excitement!

Oh and I get my iphone today:-)

So really... its a perfect day:-)

Roomie had to remind me of that after some things that happened earlier today. But I'm looking past those things and counting down the hours till kickoff

5 and a half hours!!!!!!!!!!

Apples and Spaghetti

Sometimes life doesn't go the way we plan on it going.

Sometimes His plans and my plans are like apples and spaghetti.

Sometimes I don't like His plans.... and sometimes I have the audacity to tell Him so.

That's what I did the other night. On the long drive home, I tuned out the child in the back telling stories to her stuffed dog, and had a long talk with my Maker.

So many thoughts running through my head... so many things going on in my life..... so many paths that can be taken.

He says, "I want you to walk this way".... I say, "I want to walk that way."

He says, "if you will go my way... willingly and obediently then you will eat the best of the land."

I say.... "how about I take this road and eat the second best of the land??"

That was the wrong thing to say.

I feel His anger... or maybe its more like disappointment.

Really... really?? "You would settle for the second best when I'm willing to give you the best???" He firmly asks.

Have you've ever been there?? So uncomfortable with the path that has been laid before you that you shake your head no. It looks so different.... maybe even scary... that you cling to this other idea and stop in your tracks unwilling to move forward.

He's been so patient with me these last few months as I've struggles and wrestled with His plans. Last night I knew that the time for patience was over.

Like a father who firmly puts his foot down and says enough. The Father says, "No, this is not an okay thing to ask. You cannot settle. I care too much for you to let you settle for anything less then the best. I'm sorry that you don't like it, I'm sorry that it's not what you had in mind. But enough of this fighting. I've told you what I expect, where I want you to go. I'm done with your rebellion. It's time to step up and take my hand. You know that I am always here, that I will be there every step of the way. Trust me my child."

Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

I sat there and let His words sink in. I don't like them. I don't like what He is asking me to do... I'm not exactly thrilled about the direction He is asking me to go.

You see, this path... the one He wants me on.... is lonely.I know it is because He has told me so. That, I'm pretty sure is the reason that I fight so hard.

I kept asking.... begging for a different way, The answer last night was a very clear, no.

The only choice now is to step up and walk forward. Something I've learned in my short time here on this earth is that sometimes the only thing you can do is the next right thing. If I wait on a willingly attitude then I might never move. However if I take that first step... become obedient then He rewards that. The willing and joyful attitude will follow. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next week, but I must keep stepping forward one foot at a time.

There's a large mountain ahead of me and the journey looks treacherous and impossible. But I know that with Him all things are possible and that no path is too treacherous with Him by my side.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Light night ponderings

Driving home late at night, or rather early one morning.

Driving.... praying..... worshiping... trying to listen.

I'm not very good at listening. A song I love says that I can't hear God if I'm talking. 

I talk.... way too much. Maybe that's why I... you have a hard time hearing.

So, I take a deep breathe... and close my mouth. I drive in silence. Trying my best to stop my thoughts... my feelings... my own desires to interfere with hearing His thoughts... His heart... His desires.

A few minutes is all I can give.

As I drive I stare out across the hay fields I'm passing by.... staring up at the heavens, the stars that my Maker has made. I think about His might, His power, His vastness. He created all those stars, yet He cares about this small human driving a car along this old highway. 

What does He think about me? What goes through His mind? How is it possible for Him to care so much for me? And what does He want with me? I want to hear His thoughts. I want to feel His heartbeat. I desperately want to do what He wants me to do.
Another favorite song plays.

I smile and let the words fill my soul. The love of the Creator came down and rescued me... He came to set me free. And the best part..... I am His.

No matter how high the mountain is.

No matter how low the valley is.

I am His. I am His.... His forever. For all my days... I am His.

Nothing can separate me from His grasp.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Counting on....

Thankfully I and my many animals are all moved into our new house. Getting the horses here was def an adventure... and not a pleasant one. You can read about it here. Quite frustrating... but at least they are here. I cannot describe just how wonderful it is to finally have them in my backyard. I never thought it would happen this quickly. My life is still in boxes. The bathroom is currently the holding area, along with the closet and the whole far side of my room. I am attacking them slowly... one box at a time and a few every day. I finally got the bathroom cleared, only to move the boxes from the car in there... but hey at least my car is now free of boxes:-) It is a very slow process and I'm ready for it to be done so I can start decorating the walls.

Emotionally, I'm doing fantastic. I have such a peace about this move. I know that this is right were I'm supposed to be living. For the first time in awhile I feel like I'm settling into a routine. Which means that God is about to move.... cuz He never leaves me in a routine.... but hey I'm ready for it. I know that He is just preparing me for something great. I have a few things that I've been pondering about lately so stay tuned:-)


#383-400

My new house

Sleeping in my bed for the first time in 2 weeks

Getting the 5 yr old ready for school

My nephews smile

Talks with a friend

The strange way that the Lord works

Water fights

Cooler weather

Shopping with my parents

Celebrating my dad's birthday

A wonderful night with just the girls

Getting up early and kissing the noses of my horses

A good workout with both horses

An arena with lights:-)

Long drives and good talks with the Father

Money for an iphone

The freedom of being financially on my own

Peace from Him that only He can give




  The LORD gives strength to His people; the LORD blesses His people with peace.
Psalm 29:11