As the year draws to a close I think back to how the year began. I began this blog with a letter I had written to and for myself. It was written because I needed it to be recorded, because I needed to remember.
That is what I love most about writing here. It's a place to come and write down the things that need... must be remembered.
As I think back over this year I see a constant struggle. Months where I completely trusted Him with no hesitation. Then there were months I didn't even search for His voice. Over the last few months I finally recognized this and searched for reasons why.
I think I found it.
Words have not yet been formed into sentences for me to write on this reason but I think that is because I still do not know the depth of it.
I recently took some time to reread that letter I had written this time last year. Lots of memories came flowing in, memories of pain, confusion, and loneliness. The way I learned so many of those lessons are very vivid in my memory and it took me a little while to get through it.
The past year has been very different from the previous one. It has been the year of realizations, revelations, and reminders. Throughout the year I have seen very little growth and for a while I felt guilty about this, then I realized that what the Lord has been doing is pruning. He has been cutting here and cutting there the things in my life that have... that are slowing me down.
First I realized that the whole thing about God doing His best in you when are at the end of yourself is true, however you must empty yourself of yourself daily. Being empty is not a one time process, and it is amazing how quickly I am at filling up on myself.
I realized that last year was a year full of lessons on grace, and so was this year.
He revealed to me that while last year I did a good job listening to this advice: you can ask God why... just don't get stuck there; however this year I got stuck.... a lot.... a WHOLE lot.
I realized that I still struggle with what it means to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. Day after day, night after night, He encourages me, sends His words to surround me, and yet I still have days when I feel unable, alone, and weak.
He revealed to me that I still have problems with the word trust.
I realized that I need Him more than I realize.
I remembered that I am forgiven.
I remembered that grace came free of charge, no strings attached, and on the house. Although I failed to give it that way enough.
He revealed that grace is one of those things that will take a lifetime to grasp... not just a year.
He revealed to me that writing is good for the soul.
I realized that giving thanks will change the way you see Him.
I once again remembered that He is faithful even though I am not.
And I realized just how blessed I am to be apart of this bloggy world that is full of amazing, faith-filled people like you that He uses to encourage and strengthen my faith.