The fight

The day came.... I knew it would... but I had wished it wouldn't.

I desperately wanted to run.... but I can't, because of all the things I am, a runner is not one of them.

However I am a fighter. A stubborn and rebellious fighter who does not back down easily.

I looked her in the eyes, I cannot hide from her. She sees my jaw rigorously set and those fists clenched tight. I get ready to fight, to defend. But she doesn't suit up, refuses to fight, because she knows that it would do no good. She simply asks one question..... Why?

Tears fill my eyes because I cannot answer. She knows, I know she knows yet the words stay inside.

Because locking them up and keeping them in keeps me from getting hurt..... right???

If I don't feel, if I don't think, if I stuff it all away then I don't have to deal with the hurt... with the pain.

and i don't want to hurt anymore

I want to do things my way.... because my way won't hurt..... at least that's the lie I have been living.

I want to run.... really..... I really want to run. I want to leave this all behind and do life a different way. I even told Him to go away.... and I meant it.

The Father hears His daughter's cries and they break His heart.... I know yet still I let the words come out.

I have desperately tried to pry His hands away. I screamed and yelled, begging Him to just let me go. I dug in my nails and watched Him bleed, yet He still hung on. Tears streaming down His face but His arms never relented.

Later that evening she asks if I'm okay... if what she said made me mad at her? Yes, it did make me mad, but I tell her no, because really I'm not mad at her.... I'm mad at myself. It is I that went down this path, it is I that has chosen to believe the lies.


The long drive home is not a quiet one. A favorite band's new album is blaring over the speakers, lyrics washing over because these guys write about feelings and how they control us, how they deceive us, and they are uncomfortably  honest.

And as the tears roll down I hear their words, and yes I feel abandoned, I feel forgotten but it was I that tried to live without. I suffocated myself. And yes the words buried beneath describe me, I'm being buried by me... my own selfishness is desperately trying to choke the life out of me. I tell myself to run yet there is something that keeps my feet locked. Of all the thoughts that course through my brain I know that I cannot run from Him. I may not like what He says, I may not like the direction, the way this path makes me feel, but I know that I do not exist without Him.

As I got up to leave she asked if I was going to run... she knows I want to.
I shook my head.... no, I'm not going to run, because I am a fighter.

Myself must die

I found a new band that I really like. One of their songs very clearly depicts the struggle of our flesh. This is the hardest part about following Christ, or at least it is in my own life. My flesh is oh so strong and at times I feel like it wins most of the time. I know that in the end my spirit will win the war as Christ will finally crush the serpants head once and for all. But for now I feel as if my flesh is winning every battle. It is very depressing feeling and extremely exhausting. In book 4 chapter 8 of Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis explains this battle. I am going to do my very best to summarize what this great man had to say about it all. When we come to Christ we discover that we have two sides to our self, the natural sinful self who looks out for only itself and now the spirit side that longs to obey and serve Christ. These two are at war and will be at war till you leave this earth and go to live with our Father. Lewis makes a statement that is very blunt. I think that if we all look closely at our own life we will see that this describes us all. "But we are hoping all the time that when all the demands have been met, the poor natural self will still have some chance, and some time, to get on with its own life and do what it likes." When Christ says to surrender all to His throne, that He demands all of our life it may at first glance seem easy. As if it is a one time act. As if after we complete the transaction we can go back to the way we were living. There is nothing simple about Christianity. It is easier but it is also harder.

"The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much your work: I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, , I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill a tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it removed. Hand over the natural self, all the desires which you think are inoccent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you myself: my own shall become yours.'"

It is not an easy thing to do... its hard, and painful. Lewis agrees that it is hard but he says that what we are doing is actually harder. "For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call 'ourselves,' to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good.'''

Thats what I am battling right now... I really do want to follow God with my heart, soul, and mind. The problem is there is still apart of that wants my plans to work out. I get very discouraged at times because I know that my flesh is strong.. however the God I serve is stronger! I know that if I just keep doing the next right thing, (thanks Kris) that my flesh will evenutally die. I will be victorious, I will win because My God wins this war. I must cease to be myself, stop caring about who I am and start caring about who He is.


Take a look at this video I love the dipiction of the fight between our flesh and our spirit. Evnutally the flesh will die... it will in a sense be the death of me. Thankfully through Jesus my spirit will live with Him forever.