Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The fight

The day came.... I knew it would... but I had wished it wouldn't.

I desperately wanted to run.... but I can't, because of all the things I am, a runner is not one of them.

However I am a fighter. A stubborn and rebellious fighter who does not back down easily.

I looked her in the eyes, I cannot hide from her. She sees my jaw rigorously set and those fists clenched tight. I get ready to fight, to defend. But she doesn't suit up, refuses to fight, because she knows that it would do no good. She simply asks one question..... Why?

Tears fill my eyes because I cannot answer. She knows, I know she knows yet the words stay inside.

Because locking them up and keeping them in keeps me from getting hurt..... right???

If I don't feel, if I don't think, if I stuff it all away then I don't have to deal with the hurt... with the pain.

and i don't want to hurt anymore

I want to do things my way.... because my way won't hurt..... at least that's the lie I have been living.

I want to run.... really..... I really want to run. I want to leave this all behind and do life a different way. I even told Him to go away.... and I meant it.

The Father hears His daughter's cries and they break His heart.... I know yet still I let the words come out.

I have desperately tried to pry His hands away. I screamed and yelled, begging Him to just let me go. I dug in my nails and watched Him bleed, yet He still hung on. Tears streaming down His face but His arms never relented.

Later that evening she asks if I'm okay... if what she said made me mad at her? Yes, it did make me mad, but I tell her no, because really I'm not mad at her.... I'm mad at myself. It is I that went down this path, it is I that has chosen to believe the lies.

The long drive home is not a quiet one. A favorite band's new album is blaring over the speakers, lyrics washing over because these guys write about feelings and how they control us, how they deceive us, and they are uncomfortably  honest.

And as the tears roll down I hear their words, and yes I feel abandoned, I feel forgotten but it was I that tried to live without. I suffocated myself. And yes the words buried beneath describe me, I'm being buried by me... my own selfishness is desperately trying to choke the life out of me. I tell myself to run yet there is something that keeps my feet locked. Of all the thoughts that course through my brain I know that I cannot run from Him. I may not like what He says, I may not like the direction, the way this path makes me feel, but I know that I do not exist without Him.

As I got up to leave she asked if I was going to run... she knows I want to.
I shook my head.... no, I'm not going to run, because I am a fighter.


David Rupert said...

A powerful post about stopping and listening to God. Once we let go of the Fight and stop the Flight, he can minister and heal our wounds.

Kari Ann said...

It's a constant battle isn't it? The pull between fighting for ourselves and fighting for our Father. To only realize that God is fighting for us can save us so much heartache. He has our best interests at heart. Let go, and let God. :)

Beautiful post.