Drastic changes part 2

Singleness has been a struggle for me for some years now and last year when I moved to my current house and prayed about training and showing my young horse I very much felt that this was the direction God wanted me to go down.... I am also very certain that going down this path meant that I would be single for a few more years, many tears were shed but I said ok, and I chose to follow Him down this path. I used to pray that God would just take away the desire until He was ready to fulfill it (wish life worked that way) but I don't pray that way any more.... I know better. Instead I pray for the strength to endure and also that He would give me other things to think about.

Well for the past month He has done just that and that particular struggle has been far more manageable. So much that I didn't even realize that I wasn't struggling with it. When it dawned on me last week, I started praying immediately and thanked Him, then I asked the why and how questions (that's the philosopher in me). The past few weeks had been so peaceful. And I think that a large part of it was that I was not spending an enormous amount of time with this group of people. This shocked me as in the past when I have had weeks away from them my walk was usually worse off as these friends are one of the tools that God has always used to keep me on "track" and encourage me. They have very much been a rock for me in the past and so I was very confused.

Of course I prayed and asked for clarity and it came in form of a coffee date with one of those friends. She is so precious to me and I am so thankful for a friend that I can be completely honest with without worries of what she will think. She knows my heart and is a great soundboard: ) So I came to her with this issue and she just listened. She knows how hard the past few months have been and through it all has stuck with me and sought me out when I retreated.

The more I talked about it.... the more I prayed about it..... it made sense. And then I spent time with the group for the first time in a long time and on the way home I knew what He was saying. Change is hard and often uncomfortable but that doesn't mean it is wrong.

You see in our group... and I am only talking in regards to the girls.... there are several single guys in the group but I personally do not see it appropriate to talk about such matters of the heart with the opposite sex (too many dangers there that are not worth taking). In our group of friends that meet together regularly I am the only single person. I used to never really notice it but lately I have. I notice that I really don't fit into the conversations anymore. As we sit around and talk about our week, theirs consist of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, finding little time to sleep, little time to do other things. My week consists of sitting in front of this computer, calling customers about insurance, and running a farm. Their struggles are finding balance between kids and husbands, work schedules and family time. My struggles are dealing with a 5 month old puppy and his chewing stage and trying to decide how best to use my evenings, riding or building fences.

I know that there is nothing wrong with what I do, or how I spend my time but when your friends are talking about the stress of dealing with a toddler, and while a 5 month old puppy and a toddler do have things in common, it doesn't sound good to compare the two. And conversations about horses and dogs seem trivial compared to talks about the difficulties in marriage. And usually the phrase... "You'll understand one day" gets thrown in a time or two, and that frustrates me and I usually end up finding a kid or two to do something with at that point.

And then I read this article Monday morning from incourage and I realized that when I was around them as a group (things are great one-on-one) I put on a mask. I pretend to be ok just sitting on the outside looking in, I smile and nod my head in agreement to their comments (as if I understand what it is like to live with a man). Trust me it's just easier to nod and smile like you do. Realizing this frustrated me because I am not a person who wears a mask often and here I am with people I look to most often and I have a mask on. It makes me take some steps back and really think about things.

While I do not think nor will I cease to be apart of this group of friends I do think that taking a few steps back is the right thing to do. God has been so gracious to put some great people in my path recently that have really encouraged me and they are completely unrelated to this group. I also learned in the past week that a very good friend from early college days has moved back and lives just down the street.... She is a strong believer and loves horses like I do. While she is not single, her husband is deployed leaving her with two small children all by herself. I do not think that this is a coincident at all. I think God is making some changes in my life that are quite drastic and slightly uncomfortable and He is asking me to just hold on. I have no idea what direction that will be and who will be apart of it... for that matter I'm not really sure where I am going with this post either : ) But I know it feels good to write about it and maybe one of you can relate, offer advice, or just needed a laugh.

One thing I know is that life is full of seasons and while they may look different or take us down a path we didn't anticipate God will never leave us to fend for ourselves. He takes care of those He loves and if He leads us down a path you can be certain that it worth going down.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Drastic changes part 1

Sorry for the lack of writing this month.... There are some things that God is teaching me that are complicated. I can't tell you how many drafts I have in my posting section. Some topics just don't yet make sense in writing and some are subjects that need to be written carefully. And then there are some that just don't come out right. So bare with me over the next few weeks and pray that God will bring clarity on these teachings... I really need it.

One of the difficult things about these lessons is that they are mostly about my friendships and their impact on my spiritual health. Usually when God brings things to mind I talk it over with several different close friends... talking helps me sort things out, after all things can sound great in your head but then you say them and you realize that its crazy or the light bulb comes on:-)

The problem is.... some of the things God is revealing is about them.

The last month has flown by and I am pretty sure that I have lost an entire month of my life without realizing it. I seriously don't remember much of April and May... Is it already May??? Oh, wait, June starts next week.... AGH!!!!!! Where has this year gone?? I feel like I am just now recovering from Christmas and now summer is here???

That being said the past month has been unusual. I have not seen many of my good friends and life has just kept us all very busy.... meanwhile some new friends have crept in and time got away. Early last week I realized that I had not seen a few of my good friends in at least three weeks which shocked me as we rarely go 7 days without at least catching up through texting... but even that had not happened.

But something else hit me too..... you know that one thing I struggle with.... that thing called singleness.... well it hasn't reared its ugly head in awhile..... so I got-to-thinking (uh oh).

What was different about the past few weeks? The one thing that stuck out was my time away from this group of people. Now I just want you to know that I do not think that there is any person that is responsible for my struggles, they are mine.... and I alone make them smaller then they should be or larger then they should be. However when we are struggling in an area I do not think that it is always a bad idea to make some changes that might make that struggle easier to deal with. There are definitely times when we need to face situations and deal with the struggle head on and that is my usual approach. However for several months I had dealt with this issue head on with no change and then all of a sudden there was a drastic change.


*this post got really long so I broke it up into 2 parts... come by tomorrow to read part 2

The perspective of years

On Monday I continued writing on my journey through Ann's book. Chapter 8 is on trusting God and I only got through a portion of the chapter in my last post so consider this Chapter 8 part 2:-)

Towards the end of the chapter Ann makes this statement.

"Sometimes we don't fully see in Christ, because of Christ, through Christ, He does give us all things good - until we have the perspective of years.

In time, years, dust settles.

In memory, ages, God emerges.

Then when we look back, we see God's back."

Then she uses a beautiful illustration from Exodus 33. Moses asks to see God's glory, and this is the response he gets.

"And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.” -Exodus 33:19-21

I have read this story... taught on this story many times, and never have I thought of the cleft God stuck Moses in as a dark place. But Ann catches it, and I read on.... and it catches me off guard because one would think that sticking Moses in a cleft and covering him would be just a minor detail, yet now I see it as the most important detail. It's dark in the cleft.... it's even darker when He places His hand over the cleft. Darkness.... unable to see.... no way to know what is going outside..... that is where Moses was placed. It was only after Moses entered the darkness.... the unknown..... that He was then able to see the glory of God. And Ann has this to say.

"When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand?... In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us, I-beam supporting in earthquake. Then He will remove His hand. Then we will look."

Can it really be true, this idea that "dark is the holiest ground?" The statement is hard, and I want to see it as impossible.... but what about the lesson I taught just a few days ago to those young ones. Did not Jesus experience the darkest possible place that day as He hung on the cross? But isn't it through the darkness of the cross... through the death of an innocent man that God's glory was fully revealed? And suddenly the statement doesn't seem so impossible.

But sometimes we don't see Him in the midst of darkness... sometimes it's so dark and we can't see a thing, that is when we have to trust (there's that word again) that He is faithful and will never leave. Because sometimes we don't see Him till later on down the road, till we take a peck in that rear-view mirror. And As Ann says, "I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long. long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rear-view mirror... maybe sometimes about as far as heaven- that kind of distance."

*I wrote Ch 8 part 1 here.
*All unmarked quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

Not so unlike an Israelite

I have been studying the Old Testament, partly because it is what I have been teaching to my Sunday school class.... partly because I love the history and the way I can identify with the ones who have walked before.

I read chapter 6 of that book and Ann is honest and silently I am relieved that she is human and that she forgets too. Even the one who wrote the book on it forgets to count and suddenly I realize I'm too hard on myself, expect too much, and essentially set myself up for failure.

"I am a wandering Israelite who sees the flame in the sky above, the pillar, the smoke from the mountain, the earth open up and give way, and still I forget."

How many times do I read those stories and laugh at their stupidity, at how many times they screw up, time and time again they forget that He always comes through. But then I stop and and I think about myself and at how many times I do the same thing. I forget every day, I fail to live the yes, and I live the no, yet I criticize the Israelites for the very thing I am so good at doing myself. They lived under reminders, a cloud during the day and a flame at night, and yet, still, they forgot.

So I keep reading. I read of her chasing the moon and smile because I have my own "chasing the moon experiences." Slowly my mind traces back over those "chasing the moon" experiences and suddenly I feel a smidgen of that desire for Him that has been covered by dark and all of a sudden a spark of light is seen.

"Eucharisteo is everywhere and I want to see eucharisteo everywhere and I want to remember how badly I really want to see it."

And that has been my prayer as of late, that I would remember how badly I want Him, how badly I need Him. That I would want to want Him.

My attention is drawn back to the fact that we live in a sin-cursed world and in sin-cursed bodies that need reminding. And sometimes the only way to remember is to fall.

"Pain is everywhere, and wherever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least, in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is what I want."

And the cycle will be endless, because we are just like the Israelites, and history always repeats itself. That is why we cling to faith because faith is not something that we did but it is something that we live. It's not a thing to put in the past, its a thing to cling to in the present. 

"Faith is not a one-in-the-past action, but faith is always a way of seeing, a seeking for God in everything."

We must look and we must seek because we only find what we are looking for when we seek. And to find Him we cannot seek merely with our eyes, no, to find Him we must seek with all our heart, all our mind, and with all our soul. For it is not enough to just gaze upon Him, we must empty ourselves of all that is meaningless and allow Him to make us whole.

* I wrote about chapter 5 here
* All quotes come from Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts Ch 6

It's Saturday evening

The air is cold, and darkness has settled upon the farm. The horses are groomed and tacked, stomping the ground eagerly anticipating their turn to be worked. The weather here has not been conducive for riding for quite some time and I am oh so thankful for the chance to get back in the saddle.

First up is my young wild one. Consistency is the key to taming the young horse, and consistency is the one thing we have not had as of late. I grit my teeth and force myself to ignore his nastiness and focus on quietness. The goal: get him to focus on me, ask a few things, and then get off. Keep it simple, stay focused, and do not get frustrated. Remember that he doesn't understand and be patient.

Next up is the old one, the beloved friend. She is so excited to be the recipient of my attention. I slip in the saddle and just soak in the familiarity of her gait. No goals in mind but to enjoy the time in the saddle.

The last ride of the night is on the resident schoolmaster, the one who teaches me. The goal for the evening is to work on my seat, to remind my body the things it had learned last month when riding was consistent. Fact: it is impossible for one to focus on one's position when horse is in rebellious frame of mind. And so the evening ended on a sore note, a heavily anticipated night turned into complete frustration.

It's Sunday morning, horses are feed, dog let out, and finally I slip into the car. The drive towards that place where it's all about Him. Yet my mind is still on last night. On that frustrating ride with that rebellious horse. I mutter aloud to the One who hears all.... "What went wrong?" O how sweet it is to commune with Him.

Looking back, had I known where He was going I might never have asked.... good thing only He knows where all conversations lead.

I think back through the ride and realize why the ride frustrated me so,the horse was rebellious. He should of been light and soft, accepting the bit with no resistance, thus making his body submissive to my direction. he wasn't. He even went beyond ignoring the instruction. He argued and yanked on my hands, loudly disagreeing with what I asked of him. He even took to racing around at a high rate of speed in order to evade any instruction. And all because he knows what will happen when he listens, he knows that being light and soft will give me all the control. And last night he wanted to remain in control.

Hmmmmm.....do you realize, my dear one, that you have been acting just like that horse?

You have resisted being soft because you know that it will give Me all the control. Your not like your young one, you know what is expected and you know how be soft. Your like the old schoolmaster who knows how to act, who knows what is expected of him. And last night his attitude was the same as yours has been towards me.

My eyes glisten with tears because I know He is right. I know how to walk close to Him, I know how to be soft. Lately I have resisted. I have yanked on the the hands of the One who knows what is best for me. I have strained to go in the opposite direction and desperately fought to take control. I have not wanted to be submissive to Him.

I bow my head and beg for His forgiveness... after all..... I know better.

#568-579

Today I am thankful for a God who never gets frustrated with me

For a God who never loses His patience

For His forgiveness that is deeper then the ocean

For grace.... unending grace

For a friend who shares that she too is struggling with a fear

For a book, on its way, that is eagerly anticipated

For a new community of sisters in the form of a book club

That His mercies are new EVERY morning

For His willingness to meet me where I am

For illustrations that reach to the deepest level

For horses and their Creator who uses them to teach me

For that old schoolmaster who has taught me a much needed lesson

My new home.... and my amazing God

Whew.... so there is so much to tell. My life is crazy busy. I am so thankful for this job that allows me to sit here and write. It may not pay much but it is definitely the job I need right now.

As you all know I have moved and horses are finally home with me. I, with my handy dandy new iphone, have finally taken some pics of the place.

Here is the side-view of the house with the barn in the background. Behind me is the pasture my horses are in.

Here are my 2 lovely steeds in their pasture.... they want me to stop taking pics and feed them their dinner(-:

Here is the barn

And the arena.... my favorite part(-:

I still can't believe that this is where I live. So far we have ridden almost every day. It is so fantastic to have someone to ride with. But now I must tell you the best part

You know, from reading all my past posts, that I've been struggling to understand the plan that God has for me right now. I know that one day my life will be consumed with a family, raising kids, homeschooling, taking care of my home, and being a wife. But I've wrestled with knowing what God wants me to do in the mean-time. Why He hasn't brought that man into my life has been a prevailing question. I've been praying, seeking out why I'm still single and what it is that He wants me to do during this season of life. I have heard Him tell me what He does not want me to do but no clear answers on what to do.

I know that part of it is that I am learning patience. This go-doer, fixer, constantly having to move person is learning the meaning of being still and waiting on the Lord. A very, VERY hard lesson for me to learn. But I am learning it.

So a little bit over a month ago I thought I heard Him tell me to ride horses. I struggled with this because I am very cautious when it comes to my horses. I often feel like that when I spend a lot of time with them or begin to pursue my dreams of competing that it is out of my own selfish desires. So when I heard Him say ride horses I questioned if that was His voice or mine.

Well I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more and the answer was clear to at least pursue it. So I did and that's how I ended up here.

I woke up this morning knowing that I clearly heard His voice in this and that I am in the center of His will. I know that this is exactly where He wants me.

A month ago, I only knew a handful of unbelievers and I was not close at all to any of them. In the past 2 weeks I have been surrounded by them and have begun to develop relationships with a few.

This is quite scary. It has been intimidating. One of the girls, JT, is searching. She is on the fence. She wants to believe in God but has some many unanswered questions. We had a long talk one night and it was somewhat discouraging. I don't have answers to her questions.

How do I know He is real?

Because I do.

I know that He lives inside of me.

I know that He is my Savior.

I know because I have a relationship with Him.

Because He and I are one... we cannot be separated. He is apart of me... closer then my own skin.

I may not be able to explain Him scientifically, but I can give you a reason for the hope that lives inside of me.

One thing I do know is that God cannot, and never will be, fully understood. If I could give a reasonable, rational answer to everything about Him then there would be no reason for faith. Faith is a key part in the relationship with Him. Belief in Him just because He says to is essential to salvation. It requires a humbleness, a realization that He is supreme and I am not. That He is holy and I am wretched. That I am in need of something that I can't get on my own. That above all I need Him...  I need Him to give me faith to believe in Him.

And that's what I told her.

I told her that I wish I could answer her questions. But faith can't be explained... it must be experienced and it must be given by God.

I felt defeated after that conversation... that I should of said more. Worried that I didn't make sense or that what I said sounded uneducated. Doubt crept in and the enemy tried to set up camp inside of me.

Thankfully He is a God who encourages, who protects His sheep, and a God who hears the cries of His children.

Last night JT and I talked again. After an evening of working with the horses we sat down out back to talk. She told me that she respected me. She told me, (pardon the language but these are her words, not mine) that I wasn't someone she'd want to F*** with. That I actually intimidated her. That normally she is the type of person that sees someone like me and tries to mess them up. Not me, she said, I wouldn't want to mess you up. Then she tells me that being around me makes her cautious, that she catches herself not wanting to cuss around me.

I'm not telling you this to brag on myself... but because I was shocked.

It was totally a God thing. As I went to bed I heard His voice, "I told you to trust Me. This isn't about you... remember... it's all about Me. As long as you are willing and obedient you will eat the best of the land."

And it was the best.... nothing.... and I say NOTHING compares to knowing that God just used you to impact someones life for His kingdom. It's the most comforting, encouraging, amazing feeling ever.

So, as I told my dad last night. Yes, God did tell me to ride horses, and He'll fill in the details.

*So if you will.... please join me in praying for JT. That God will continue to open doors there for me. That she will remain open to Him. Pray for a soft heart , for us both. That I will remain obedient and willing. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be from Him. And also that I will remain strong, realizing that all around there are people watching my every move. I want my light to shine and for His love to be seen in my every action.

Unwanted lesson

Sitting in church, listening.... struggling. The pastor says words that do not sit well within this rebellious and wretched person.

Words... questions that challenge who I am and who I want to be.

Do you ever give God advice on what He should do with your life?

I grimace, hide my eyes and inside I fill with shame. The answer is of course yes, far more often then I'd like to admit.

Then something stirs within and I hear a quiet yet clear voice.... how often do you get mad when I don't listen to your advice?

Ouch.... ok Father, you got me, right where You want me... right where I need to be.

I'm listening even though the words hurt, even though the lesson is unwanted.

The pastor preaches on, reminding me of truths I know, truths that are at the core of who I am.

I am most satisfied when I am satisfied in Him. The happiest I will ever be, is right where He wants me.

Not where I want to be.

No greater joy can be found then that which is found when I am at the center of His will... when He is the center of my life.

I ask Him for forgiveness... I don't like being outside His will. I desperately want Him to be what my life is centered around.

Father forgive me when I fail you, forgive me when I think I know best. Thank you for extending great mercy upon one who deserves nothing but Your wrath.

Ramblings on God and boys

 There's this topic that I've been writing on for some time. I have yet to actually publish one on it... maybe because I don't really want to... maybe because I don't quite have it figured out yet... or maybe because I'm just afraid to. However, I figured that it's time... time to just let go and let my fingers do the talking. Sometimes rambling on about a subject helps me to understand it more. Guess that's what I'm about to do.

The topic has to do with me.... or maybe it's more about another person I don't yet know... or maybe it's all about Him.

From the outside I'm a strong, put together, confident single woman. On the inside I'm a quiet, shy, searching little girl who just wants to be someones princess.

This journey of singleness that I am currently on is not one that I have ever desired. Yet, I know that it is one that He has asked me to be on... at least for just a little while longer. There aren't many quality choices out there... maybe one.. maybe two.. or maybe none. I don't believe in seeking them out, not to say that God doesn't have others do it that way, but for me that would just be a way for me to take control and God says no. In fact He even says no when I say no and put up walls. I can't go searching for the one but I also can't just shut out all guys.

He says no, stop trying to steer the car. I am to sit there next to Him and let Him control the direction... at all times... and quietly... and obediently... with a good attitude. He wants a simple yes sir from me and that's all.

I like to roll my eyes, sigh, slump down in the chair with my arms crossed, while mumbling something not very nice. I don't like to be told what to do, and I don't like to be to told to be quiet. Guess I'm not quite out of the adolescence phase of life yet huh???

A long while back a few friends and I were sitting around a table talking about boys and relationships. There was only one married woman at the table the rest of us were single.. none even dating at the time (now I'm the only one still single... lol). I don't know how we got to the following statement but I'll never forget it. But before I tell you it there's a disclaimer... it sounds really rude and mean but it wasn't it. I actually, still to this day, find it rather amusing because first off it's true and secondly I knew exactly what she meant and you just have to know the other 2 girls that were sitting there at the table. She told me "Mama's don't want their boys to grow up and marry girls like you and me... they want them to marry a girl like______."

You see her and I are a scary type of girl. We are that fiercely independent, strong-willed, I-don't-need-anyone type of girl that is covered from head to toe, and several layers thick of pure sass. A sweet, passive, quiet man just won't do for girls like us. I can't just get along with anyone and try as I do it just isn't possible for me to not offend someone a couple times a week... truth kinda just pours out of my mouth on occasion. Not to mention the fact that I want at least half-a-dozen kiddos, mostly adopted from around the world, and I plan on home-schoolin' em all. Not many guys out there that want to be on a journey like that.

I am aware of all of this and lets say... oh about... 89% of the time I am more then ok with this. I don't want to settle for just any man. But the older I get the more impossible it seems to find one that doesn't get his feelings hurt easily or that isn't afraid to stand up to me. And it doesn't help that out of the 20 or so people in our circle of friends I am one of 2 single girls and all the single guys are at least 3 years younger. It can get slightly depressing at times.

About a year ago a relationship that I was sure would end up lasting forever ended. It was hard at the time but looking back it was the best thing that ever happened. He and I just are not right for each other. I struggled for awhile asking God not why it had ended but why I even had to go through it... why not just never of had us date. I knew when he asked me out that it was God's will for me to say yes. So I never questioned whether I was wrong to have entered the relationship to begin with.

As the months went by I learned that God used that relationship to reveal some weak spots in my life. One of them is that I so badly desired to be married that I was willing to settle for the first guy that I was in a relationship with. He wasn't... isn't... a bad guy. He just isn't right for me. I never noticed how far I had slipped from being myself till I had been out of it for a few weeks. I had lost my sass... because he couldn't handle it. I stopped riding.... because he didn't like horses. I had given up some friendships.... because he didn't care for them. God showed me that the sass... the love of horses... those friends were the way He made me.... the people He put in my life. Giving up those things were wrong. I can't change who I am for some boy. It might be ok for awhile but as the years went by I'd be miserable.

Thankfully I didn't end up marrying that boy. Thankfully God not only knows what is better for me but also sees to it that I go in the right direction. So here I am today... determined to be who He made me to be, sass and all. I'm going to walk in His ways and worry only about His glory... trusting that someday that boy will find me and meet me where I am at. All I have to do is focus on seeking His face and He'll take care of all the details.

On that note I shall turn the post over to my fav country boy Mr. George Strait and his wonderful song, "How 'bout them cowgirls"

Boy, she don't need you and she don't need me

She can do just fine on her own two feet

But she wants a man who wants her to be herself

And she'll never change, don't know how to hide

Her stubborn will or her fightin' side

But you treat her right and she'll love you like no one else

The power of prayer

I was reading a post from Mrs K. on the topic of prayer. Interesting, as this topic has been a popular one among my friends and family as of late. I have a few pet peeves when it comes to prayer and what makes it worse is that I myself do the very things that I find so annoying.

The first one I'll address is that we tend to hit our knees when life gets rough. When the storms roll in that is when people tend to pick up their prayer life. Now just to clarify before you get mad at me, I believe that prayer is the BEST thing for weathering a storm. There is no greater thing you can for a person then to pray for them. The problem is, and hear me on this.... I am not innocent here, I am just as guilty as the next person. The problem is that for a lot of us, this period of storms is the only time we have a consistent prayer life. I imagine that the Creator of the Universe does not like to be called upon just as a problem solver. You don't, I don't, so why do we think He would??? You... and I forget that God isn't just sitting up there waiting to fix things. He wants relationships. He is your, my Father and from my experience dad's don't like to be called upon only when I'm in need of something. Of course He will always be there, He never leaves and loves that we turn to Him in our times of need. It is good to realize that He can fix things, that He is one who gives peace, comfort, and love when we need it the most. 

The next one is related and lately it's the one I find myself doing a whole lot... isn't it frustrating to struggle with something that just annoys the mess out of you!?! How much time do you spend in prayer asking God for something... or using the word I maybe followed by the word want?? You probably don't notice it... I urge you pay attention for the next week. Although you might get really annoyed at yourself because you do it more then you think. I have been trying for at least the last 6 months to really work on my prayer habits. It's been rather difficult to do. I find that I have spells where I do really well and then I go a while with barely spending anytime in prayer. My suspicion is that the enemy works really hard to distract me from this because prayer is a dangerous tool and if I develop good prayer habits the enemy has to work twice as hard. Which should be great motivation for me to get it right...lol. I tend to use the time I spend in the car driving to and from work to prayer. Lately I realize that I spend an awful lot of that time praying for myself... which isn't all bad. However, I think that there has to be a balance... and maybe, just maybe..... my prayers for others should outweigh the prayers for myself.

My fear is that we are a generation and are raising generations that underestimate the power of prayer. Sure prayer is still (at least I hope it is) something we do out of habit before meals, with kids before bed, and in our church services. Those habits aren't the problem... problems arise when this is all we do. It stays just a habit and often we get complacent. Again I think that the enemy tries really hard to convince us that the little bit of prayer that we do is plenty. He wants us to think that prayer is just another thing to put on a checklist. 


Prayer is far more important then we realize it is. I am fortunate to go to a church that is slowly learning that and it is amazing to watch. I have learned a lot about how to pray from our pastors as our whole church body seeks to grow in this area. I am very blessed to go to a church that believes in prayer and is seeking to understand it more.

I think that we tend to underestimate this power. When storms come, sure we pray for God's help, guidance, peace, but then we go about seeking to find the solution, often forgetting to listen for and answer to our prayer. Scripture says that if we seek Him, we will find Him. If we ask for guidance it will come, but not always when we think it should. Far too often we ask... then fail to wait for an answer. A lot of times the answer comes later because God wants to us to realize that sometimes we have to wait for an answer. I think we, especially us Americans, fail to hear answers to prayer because we are far too impatient. We live in an on-demand culture, everything we need and want is right at our fingertips and we rarely have to wait for anything. God never has, doesn't, and never will comply with our on-demand way of life. God does not revolve around man. Man revolves around Him and it is this concept that we humans fail to understand. Prayer isn't simply a way to communicate to God what it is that we need or want. Prayer is about communication... its a way for us to connect with Him. It's a way for us to build our relationship with Him, a way to grow closer to Him so that we might know how serve Him better... not the other way around.


Well how about that for a soapbox? That wasn't my intention but oh well, guess I needed to get that off my chest.

 Anyways... back to post I read...lol. There was a quote in the post that I really like and need to ponder on for a bit.

“If we trust in the sovereignty of God, we wrestle our way to peace in the knowledge that if an answer to prayer is for our highest good, the God who loves us will not withhold it.”

– Lana Bateman

 I'm not sure I like how its worded for our better good though. If the word "good" there is referring to us become more like Christ then I agree. The very best thing for myself is to be empty of self and full of Christ. (Are you following me?? Cuz if I ever get to theological for you tell me. Really... we Seminary students forget that not everyone reads theology books for pleasure) So if an answer to prayer is what will ultimately bring me closer to Christ then yes, I believe that God will not withhold if from us. The thing that we don't realize is that God is in the business of holiness... not happiness. (Remember that His def of happiness and ours are usually pretty different) What I perceive that Bateman is trying to tell us here is that sometimes God answers prayers in a way that makes us upset, hurt, sad, even angry. We have to trust that our God, who is without a shadow of a doubt sovereign, has the very best in mind for us. That He knows that the way things are going will ultimately lead us closer to Him. I like that she uses the word wrestle to peace here. Our Father doesn't think that it will easy to accept when He answers in ways like this. He understands that we are not sovereign and allows us room to wrestle our way to find peace in His decision. We must trust in His love.

God has really been testing my prayer life lately... many friends and family going through some really big storms lately. If you get a chance say a prayer for my sister, and for a wife/mother of three who is dying of cancer (good news is that last Sat she gave her life to Christ..PTL!!! We have been praying for this for months.... God answers prayer!!!). Thank you so much for the prayers that have already been lifted up. You guys are a blessing from above.

Multitude Monday

This summer I challenged by Sunday school kids to memorize a passage of Scripture. I chose Psalm 27. I think God had me chose it more for my sake then for theirs. I have been amazed at how hard they have and are working. My class is full of boys with a few girls sprinkled in. They are 8-11 years old, and they are memorizing 14 verses this summer. 1 has already completed the challenge, said the whole passage with just 3 helps!! I love listening to young ones etch Scripture on their hearts, God always honors those who hide His word in their hearts.These young ones are not aware of the great rewards that come with memorizing and meditating on Scripture.

Listening to them say their verses has also made me feel quite guilty. These young children are much better at memorizing Scripture then I am. I need to change this. I came upon a passage of Scripture in Isaiah that I have just fallen in love with. The wording is so beautiful and a great description of His power. I think it is a very fitting passage for Multitude Monday as it is a reminder that He is the ultimate gift-giver. I need to spend more time sitting in awe of His beauty... His power.

Isaiah 10:6-16

No one is like You, O Lord;

You are great, and Your name is mighty in power.

Who should not revere you, O King of the nations?

This is You due.

 

Among all the wise men of the nations and in all their kingdoms, there is no one like You.

They are all senseless and foolish; they are taught by worthless wooden idols.

Hammered silver is brought from Tarshish 

and gold from Uphaz.

What the craftsman and goldsmith have made is then dressed in blue and purple - all made by skilled workers.

But the Lord is the true God; 

He is the living God, the eternal King.

When He is angry, the earth trembles; the nations cannot endure His wrath.

"Tell them this, 'These gods, who did not make the heavens and the earth, will perish from the earth and from under the heavens.' "

But God made the earth by HIS power; 

He founded the world by HIS wisdom

and stretched out the heavens by HIS understanding.

When He thunders, the waters in the heavens roar,

He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth.

He sends lightening with the rain and brings out the wind from HIS storehouses.

Everyone is senseless and without knowledge; every goldsmith is shamed by his idols. His images are a fraud; they have no breath in them. They are worthless, the objects of mockery; when their judgment comes, they will perish.

HE who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these, for HE is the Maker of all things. including Israel, the tribe of HIS inheritance - the Lord Almighty is HIS name.

This passage gives me chill bumps. I can't help but feel small after reading it. That's MY Father.... my daddy. He who makes the earth tremble is the one I call Abba Father. 

I am His... you are His...

I am the daughter of the Almighty, the Maker of all things.

I am loved, not just one of His many children. No, He knows my name, knows my heart, loves me. He thinks I am special. He cares for me, and not just the big things... but the little things too. Every little detail, He knows and cares about.

#255-271

My Maker

Sweet gifts sent from above

Open doors

New opportunities

Extra days at work

A fun evening, making new friends

Snuggles with Ben (can you tell I LOVE being an "aunt")

Ice cream run with my mom

Reading time with the nephew

Watching the shy one in class, who struggles with memorizing, say more then he thought he could and the smile on his face when he hears the words, "I'm proud of you"

Hearing those sweet, but loud, children complain because we have run out of time and they will have to wait till next week to hear the end of the story of Ruth.

A ride from a friend, which saves me gas

Gas below $2!!!

Peaches hanging from the tree

The sweet juice tickling down my face

The what seemed like the never-ending canning process, that yielded 2 dozens jars full of sliced peaches

A sticky floor, sticky counter tops, sticky stove, and sticky jars full of peaches

In everything give thanks

  ^{Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.} 

^{1 Thessalonians 5:16-18}

Sunday's are always a day full of learning for me. It always amazes me that the most valuable lessons I learn often come from the lessons that I teach. Look for the post coming a bit latter on the lessons that the story of Jacob have taught me.

One lesson I am striving to learn is to dwell on this 1 Thessalonians verse. These 3 commands are the foundation for living a life for Him. As part of developing the habit of continually giving thanks I am counting the gifts that God has given me that sometimes go unnoticed.

#215-234

A weekend full of rain

Rain that waters the pastures

Green pastures to fill the bellies of beautiful steeds

The soft sound of rain falling as I sit here typing

Rain... are you getting the picture that I LOVE rain(:

An apology letter from an 8 yr old who is learning the hard lesson of controlling her tongue

An unexpected evening with the 2 younger P girls... movie, peaches and ice cream, finger nail painting, singing Jesus songs, and lots of sweet cuddles

Baby Ben napping on my shoulder

Lexi talking in church

New songs downloaded

Taking the long way home

Snowcones with friends

A clean kitchen

Good books to read

The wonderful power of coffee(:

The itching to redecorate

Walls coming down

The love of a Saviour

Grace

A hard fall

I rode that wild youngster the other night and after a very frustrating half hour of the battle-of-the-wills I found a good note to end on, swung my leg over and patted his neck... after all it's my fault he's acting this bad. Its what happens when Mr. Romeo isn't ridden consistently.

He's no Dutch... the bond isn't there yet. That kinda bond takes years... and for years, I've been spoiled. It doesn't matter how often or how long its been, when I climb on the back of that old friend, two become one. She knows my thoughts and I know hers. But it isn't the same with the youngster. Sometimes I forget.

The reason for my lack of riding is the simple fact that I live in Arkansas. For those of you who are not familiar with the typical Arkansas summer, here are a few words to describe it: horrendous, gruesome, dreadful, and miserable. We have already had a week full of days where the temp was over 100, add so much humidity that as soon as you step out the door you are drenched, and that ladies and gents describes the awful state in which I just so happen to live in. (Can you tell I'm not exactly thrilled to be here)!! So needless to say that is why Mr Romeo has not been ridden as of late.

After our awful battle in which I'm pretty sure ended in a draw, I told myself that something has to change. After all I spent my savings purchasing and bringing him here and he is my dream horse, so I better get working on fulfilling that dream of mine. Which means that I have to ride, at least twice a week. So I begrudgingly set the alarm for 630 and dragged my sorry self out of that cozy bed and drove the long way to the parents, saddle him up and began the days adventure.

It started out great.... started... got it? You'll need to remember that word. That sweet, charming personality that I fell in love with was right there. I spent extra time brushing him and just talked to him (which he loves). Telling myself to be patient and take it easy after all he's got a long way to go. The problem is in some areas he learns so fast which tends to make me relax in areas I shouldn't. Our ride started off like the other day but I just gritted my teeth, firmly told him to settle down and eventually he did. All was well so to reward him I let him run, which is what he always wants to do.

Well Mr. dumb-butt decided that he wasn't done being ornery and launch into a series of what we horse people call cow-hops. He goes up in the air and then comes down and launches his rear in the air. Hard to sit at times, but I always do... except for this time. You see dumb-butt is big, really, really big and the old saying goes, "the bigger the horse, the harder the fall." Let me tell you that it is true! Very, very true! I knew that one day he would dump me, after all another old saying goes like this, "every good rider falls." I anticipated this day, yet dreaded it.

Well he bucked, and I went forward onto his neck and then the not-so-nice dumb-butt (can you tell that my feelings have been hurt?) bucked again and off I went. I landed on my back and the pain sent a wave of nausea throughout my whole body. In all my years of riding and all the many falls I have had, none compared to this.

Not the broken arm (which left me in a cast for 6 weeks), or the busted knee (which put me on crutches for 4 weeks), nor the first fall on my back (which was the beginning of all my back troubles). Mind you all those incidents took place on that trusted mare of mine, you see that bond takes years and lots, and lots of falls.

The pain was so bad it took me a long while to get back up, but with the help of a faithful pup, I staggered to my feet. That wild, not-so-trusted youngster stood in the corner looking at me. Not sure what to think of me sitting over there on the ground... I swear to you there was pride in his eyes, which infuriated me. I walked over to him, grabbed the reins and swung back up. Worked him through the problem area and called it a day.

As I turned him back out my old friend came up to check on me and I fed her his carrots. He walked over surprised and even more surprised when I angrily shoved his head away. He doesn't yet realize that he broke rule number one: never dump the hand that feeds you. A bond between horse and rider is built upon trust in one another. He has broken that trust and now has to earn it back. A hard lesson for him to learn but I can't let it go. Trust is the foundation upon which all riding is built. If I can't trust him, I can't ride him. I hate teaching the lesson of trust to a horse, they don't understand what is going on, however if I ignore it he will become a dangerous animal. He has to learn to follow me, to obey even when he doesn't want to.

Interesting isn't it.... looks like I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. I'm rebelling against Him, and my horse is rebelling against me. Think someone'sI have not been faithful in training him. I'm rebelling because I have not been faithful to God. See the pattern? I do now.

Trust is important... the foundation upon which everything else is built upon. My horse has broken that so I have to be strong and firmly teach him that he can't do that. Well.... God has to do the same to me. I don't like it... Romeo isn't going to like it. But it has to be taught! If God, I, let it go bigger problems arise.

In the end it is I that suffers... I will now have tremendous amount of back pain to remind myself that breaking trust hurts... and it has too because it's that serious of an issue.

Rebellion

See, O LORD, how distressed I am!

I am in torment within,

and in my heart I am disturbed,

for I have been rebellious.

Lamentations 1:20

Rebellion... sin....

It crept in unnoticed and then spread like a wildfire. It only takes one spark... one slip up.... one day of not meditating on His Word.

Sometimes the fire can be quickly stopped, other times I allow it to go on...

sometimes I even feed it 

It only satisfies for a moment, or at least I think it is satisfying. How quickly the enemy can put a blindfold on my eyes... how quickly I can forget who I belong to.

Woe to them

because they have strayed from Me!

I long to redeem them

but they speak lies against Me.

Hosea 7:13

It is I who left.

It is I who chose to rebel.

Yet He still longs to redeem me.

How can this be? What have I done to deserve His love? When will I learn to stop running?

He doesn't redeem me because He has to. He could let me fall... suffer for eternity. It would be just, it is what I deserve. 

But He doesn't.

He desires to heal my heart, to hold me in His arms.

He desires me!

Me, a child who often runs away, who willingly casts off His promises. Who makes the choice to rebel even though I know where it leads.

Why should you be beaten anymore?

Why do you persist in rebellion?

Your whole head is injured,

your whole heart affected.

Isaiah 1:5

Rebelling never does me any good. It only drives me further from Him. So why do I stay there, why am I so persistent? My stubbornness is often a great strength but it also does me great harm. 

His command is very clear....

Stop doing wrong,

learn to do right!

Isaiah 1:16-17  

If I don't.... 

If you resist and rebel,

you will be devoured by the sword.

Isaiah 1:20 

But the God I serve is....

Eternally Loving

Forever Merciful

Abundantly giving Grace

Relentlessly Redeeming

Always Forgiving

He made a way for me.... before I ever ran... ever rebelled. He knew that I would so He planned in advance for my sins to be wiped cleaned. 

But He took it one step further....

If you are willing and obedient,

you will eat the best from the land.

Isaiah 1:19

Not only does He redeem me... not only does He love me.... He is also willing to give me the best of the land. 

All I have to do is be willing and obedient.

It really is that easy. It's all on me. He will be faithful. He always keeps His promises.

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving,

even though we have rebelled against Him.

Daniel 9:9

Choosing Joy

Read this today:

And it got me thinking(:

When Jesus told the disciples in John 21 to throw their nets on the other side, what did they think? Scripture doesn't tell us... all we get is that they did. No questions asked, and they didn't even know it was the Lord. Maybe John left their questioning out. Or maybe they were so frustrated with their empty nets they welcomed any help they could get. I'm pretty sure the seminary student in me could write a series of sermons on this short passage but I think I'll stick to just a few things

Am I willing to throw my nets on the other side, or do I stay in my comfort zone? When I hear His voice am I willing to listen?

Even if it sounds crazy?

I am better at this then I used to be. But sometimes I don't move. I just sit there and shake my head.

Because what He says sounds crazy... it doesn't fit into my plans... and it's just not what I want to do.

Sigh.... sometimes I'm so selfish and it just makes me mad.

Why can't I just get it that He knows better then I? He isn't going to change. He is always going to insist that we do things His way. I will never know better.

Why can't my pride just die!

My life would be much easier if I would just haul up the nets and cast them out on the other side, without asking questions, and doing so joyfully.

And now I find myself in a spot that stinks.... really, really stinks. Here's where I'm at, I have hauled in the nets, and I've even thrown them over the other side. The problem is that I'm mumbling and grumbling as I sit and wait.

Isn't that awful!!

But sadly... it's true.

I'm struggling to find a good attitude.

I guess at least now I'm at the point of admitting this struggle... for awhile I have been ignoring the sourness. As if ignoring it makes it look better.. or makes it go away.

Now that I've decided to stop ignoring it, I have to fix it....sigh....guess this sucky attitude is one of those weaknesses that God is turning my attention to.

Why did I my last post have to be about weaknesses??

That's the bad part about blogging... it's like being my own accountability partner...which is awful since I can't escape myself.

You think God is smiling up there right now... that maybe this is just one of the way's that He is molding me into His masterpiece.

I'm so thankful that He never gives up on me. That no matter how grumpy... ugly.... pitiful my attitude is He just keeps on molding. His hands stay wrapped around me, while I squirm, kick, and push.

I can throw a tantrum, yell at Him, even ignore Him but He will remain the same.

He's not going anywhere. 

The choice is mine... I can go along kicking and screaming... or Joyfully.

Today I pick JOY.

#95-116

Seeing the big and beautiful Ben for the first time

Watching his proud daddy who couldn't stop smiling

Watching my best friend stare at her beautiful baby boy with a love that I don't yet understand

The strange realization that I really am an adult... after all my best friend just had a BABY!!

Knowing that I am never... NEVER alone.... He is always with me

Resting in the knowledge that He has great plans for my life

The fantastic conversations with the 3 yr old nephew on the way to the airport to see uncle Kyle

Hugging my brother for the first time in 2 months

The enormous amount of pride that I have for that baby brother

Seeing my brother surrounded by children that have missed him for so long

Soaking up cuddles from baby Lexi

Soaking up cuddles with baby Ben

Laughs on the couch late at night with the best friends anyone could ever ask for

The Little Mermaid(:

iphones

Tomatoes growing on the vines

The great pleasure I get from weeding my flower beds

Uplifting comments on my blog

New songs on the radio that lift me up when I need it the most

Time spent praying with my closest friends

Good fellowship around a table

Yummy, homemade cinnamon rolls

Time found to sit and write about the gifts in my life

Adventures with 5 children

Today I am tired.

My usual two cups of coffee are not enough... working on my third now and might keep this up all day.

Thank you Father for coffee... besides it's marvelous capability to give me energy it taste sooo good:) I just love it!!

Yesterday I was a stand-in-mom to five children. I never mind looking after the Pavatt children, they are pretty much my nieces and nephews. It saddens my heart that my "big sis" needs help occasionally. Thankfully medicine has helped her and her flares are not as often anymore but yesterday was a bad day so Kaffer (my name given to me by the at the time 3 yr old KK) to the rescue! We had a fantastic day. We ran into town, picked blackberries, ate snow cones, weeded the front flower beds, and even piled on mom's bed and watched a little t.v., then quickly ate dinner and climbed in the car for church. By the end of the day I was exhausted!! I don't think I am quite ready for a household full of children (at least not yet...lol).

I don't know how you mom's do it. How do you balance discipline with encouragement? I was so exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt like I had been in battle all day. Your emotional state is constantly changing. Firm with child 1, encouraging child 2, comforting child 3, lecturing children 4 and 5, and all the while trying to prepare dinner and review in my head the lesson I'm going to be teaching at church that night. Whew.... can it get more chaotic??

I will say that I learned quit a bit from my adventure... as I always do when I spend any length of time over at that fabulous house.

1. There is something about a good cup of coffee... a comfy chair... a pretty view... and the Word of God early in the morning

2. Sweet cuddles from my fav children make getting up early worth it... no matter what time I went to bed the night before.

3. Every moment is a teaching moment... even making breakfast.

4.Sometimes you have to hurt feelings to get a point across... but it never feels good.

5. The sound of a 4 yr old singing praise to Jesus is amazing!!! Even if she is off key:)

6.I accomplished a great feat: I cleaned up throw-up (without throwing up myself).... maybe I'm closer to being ready to be a mom then I thought(-:

7. Eating snow cones is still a great way to spend a hot summer afternoon.

8. Cooking dinner, getting rooms cleaned, cleaning kids up for church and planning a lesson for church are all easy to do on their own but all at once makes you feel crazy!

9. There is something very precious about a young boy worrying about his mom.

10. I want to be a mom and I foresee sometime in the future having a family somewhat like this one... however I think that I will be content in my current situation... for today at least(-:

Rainy days

I LOVE rainy days. I love following asleep to the sound of rain falling outside my window, I love the sound of thunder rolling through the clouds, and the way the lightening brightens up my dark room. I even love being woken up in the middle of the night due to a sudden burst of thunder that shakes me from my sleep, I imagine the powerful blast of sound is just God reminding me that He is there, always there, and more important then even my sleep. I also love waking up and stepping outside to a new, clean world. There is something about the way everything looks after a storm. It amazes me how durable the tiny, delicate flowers in my yard are. The rain poured down all throughout the night and the winds were at times strong yet this morning everything was still standing, and they were better because of the storm. I have watched my tomato and green pepper plants grow over an inch taller in just the past few weeks because of the storms.

My growth in Christ is much like that of my plants. Yes, I water them almost everyday and with that small amount of consistent water they grow, slow yet steady growth. However, when the storm came and the rain poured out of the sky, saturating the dirt surrounding my plants, the new growth was enormous. Just the other day my plants looked as though they would never get tall enough to produce anything, now I see the great potential for a summer filled with fresh tomatoes and peppers. In the same way God works in the life of my plants He works in me. Sure I grow when life is slow and steady, but as I have seen numerous times it is the storms of life that bring about the best, and most effective change in my life.

On a lighter note, my drive to work this morning was beautiful. The sky was filled with dark clouds as more rain moved in, the sun peaked out through the dark clouds and lit up portions of the sky. The trees and grass looked extra green as the rain washed away all the pollen from the air. The streets were washed clean and everything had a shiny, clean look. Then I pull into my parents driveway to grab a bit of breakfast and visit with dad before I head to the lot. As I look past the house to the pasture where my two beautiful horses graze I see a sight that makes me laugh. Most days when I pull into the drive I see my lovely, chestnut mare who has been with me since I was a young child grazing next to towering horse of my dreams who is normally a beautiful creamy, golden palomino.

Not today, no this morning as I look across the pasture, eyes searching for those two blessings that God has so graciously allowed me to care for, I see them both, however my once clean, and handsome palomino is no longer a palomino. Nope, he is completely covered, from head to tow in mud. In fact he is now darker then the mare who is supposed to be brown. I just sigh and laugh it off. He is after all a boy, and horse or human, boys will be boys. In the year that I have owned Romeo I have come to learn that he is much happier when covered in dirt. I'm pretty sure that if I let him he would stay that way for his entire life. He is too funny about his dirt. Whenever I go to groom him and he is covered in dirt I swear the horse sighs and hangs his head. He is so disappointed that all his hard work is about to be washed away. It used to frustrate me, now I have learned to accept and even love this part of his personality. After all it makes me take a little longer to groom him, which allows me to spend more time outside enjoying God's creation. Romeo makes me slow down, he is young and his training cannot be rushed. He loves attention, and I like to think that he gets dirty sometimes just to force me to take a few extra minutes with him... it works every time:)

There is something so peaceful about owning horses. My heart longs for the day when I am able to once again have them in my backyard, apart of my daily life. I love the sound of Dutch's dinner nicker, which lets me know that she must be fed right now, no questions asked, and if I don't hurry she will not forgive me (that is until she sees the bucket in my hand). I love to just sit and watch them graze, I can't tell you the number of hours I have spent just watching them. It is hard to find time to spend with them at this point in my life. There are many weeks like this one when days that would be perfect for riding are spent doing yard work so that I have the money to keep their bellies full. I have to tell myself that someday, very soon, this will change and I will have time for them. One day.... in God's timing, not mine.

Lazy not humble

I'm not sure that there has ever been a time in my life when I have learned as much about who God is as I have been here lately. I am so humbled, to think that God finds me worthy enough to learn so much about who He is. I have experienced time in my life when my hunger for Him and His Word was non-existence and that time was a very miserable and wasteful period. Now my hunger is never satisfied. I pray that I stay in this place. For God never ceases to reveal Himself, it is I who stops looking. As long as I keep searching I will hear His voice. His voice is so clear when I am in His will. I find that it is when I step out of His will, that is to follow the plans that I have, when I think that His voice has gone still. That is not so not the case. De 4:29 says that if I seek Him with all my heart and soul then I shall find Him. He never goes away, never leaves me, and He is always speaking to me.

So as I continue on with Mere Christianity I find some things that I do not like, I didn't say disagree but dislike. There is a big difference. Ch 9 was a very convicting chapter for me. As I shared with Paula last night I think that it got to her too. I don't always like the conviction. This particular one I really disliked. The problem was that I agreed with Lewis and that means that something in my life now must change, for I can't ignore when the Spirit speaks to me. He won't put up with that. Sometimes I try to escape conviction by not reading my Bible and not praying. After all if I don't hear it then I don't have to do it right?? How dumb am I?? To think that I can fool the God of the universe. Ha, I'm not always very bright.

I think that is one of the points Lewis was making in the last chapter. I know the cost of following Christ... I desperately want to seek His face, and follow His will. But there is still a part of me that wants what I want. My flesh never gives up.. it constantly seeks to destroy me. Thankfully God is constantly there to.. and He will put my life back on track. It might hurt and it might take awhile, but it will happen. God takes our choice to follow Him seriously and when He says that He will make us holy, He will. We are commanded to be perfect. That is what Christ promises to do... make us perfect. The moment we choose to follow Him is the moment we agree to let Him make us perfect. Lewis puts it this way:

Make no mistake, He says, if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.

He wants us to be perfect.. that is His desire. However He is aware of our humanity and will always pick us up when we fall. He knows that we cannot be perfect relying on our own efforts. We need Him, we must realize that. There is nothing that can keep us from achieving perfection except for our self. Only I can push Him away, you can't push Him out of my life. So its up to me to let Him in, it is my choice to allow Him to guide my life. The plans He has for me are beyond what I can imagine.

That's the lesson I am currently learning. I often sell my self short. Right now I have a job interview set up for a job that I am in awe of even being considered for. So many people have corrected me and told me that I am crazy to think that low of myself. I thought it was humility to think that I was unworthy of such a calling. However Lewis says that is not what it is. When I as a child of Christ, who can do the impossible, think that I am unable to do something I am actually saying that the One who lives in me is unable to do something. You see as I wrote about in my last post, I am no longer myself. That person, those abilities, all those dreams and desires that used to make up who I am are dead. They had to die in order to let Christ in. I am no longer who I thought I was. That person is gone and in its place is the glorious, righteous, almighty God of the Universe. Isn't that AMAZING!!! He lives inside of me. He uses me, a sinful, wretched, unclean person to carry out His plan, His glory!! Can you wrap your mind around that?? I can't. I wish I could, although it most likely be the death of me if I did. This is what Lewis says:

We may be content to remain 'ordinary people': but He is determined to carry out quite a different plan. To shrink back from that plan is not humility: it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it not conceit or megalomania; it is obedience.

So according to Lewis I am lazy and a coward. Ouch!!! By not allowing myself to be who God wants me to be is to limit Him. I am telling Him no. It is in no way humility. I am telling God, 'no thanks, I like it right here where I am.' I have no idea of the greatness that He has in store for me. What I think looks like a palace is really just a cottage compared to what He has in store for me. I don't need to develop confidence in myself, rather I need to remember who it is that lives in me. My confidence should always be in Him and through Him there is nothing that I am not capable of doing.





On another note... Just saw this video trailer for John Piper's newest book A Sweet and Bitter Providence. It looks amazing.... can't wait to get it.

Quotes from Church fathers

I want to continue on with what the subject of my last post, but I came across some interesting quotes in one of my textbooks today. I am taking a church history class that I LOVE!! I am learning all kinds of crazy good stuff about the history of my faith. This week I am reading about the early bishops. Two in particular have stuck out to me, the first is Ambrose of Milan. He was made bishop in 373 a time when the Arians and the orthodox were basically at war with one another. One of the issues was how to use the gold in the church. Ambrose wanted to melt it down and give it to the refugees from a nearby region overrun by the Goths. The Arians saw this as sacrilege. Ambrose responded: "It is better to preserve for the Lord souls rather than gold. He who sent the apostles without gold also gathered the churches without gold. The church has gold, not to store it up, but to give it up, to use it for those who are in need... It is better to keep the living vessels, than the golden ones."

A hundred years later after the death of Ambrose John of Constantinople came into the picture. He was known as John Chrysostom "the golden-mouthed." He preached the same message that Ambrose did. "The gold bit on your horse, the gold circlet on the wrist of your slave, the gilding on your shoes, mean that you are robbing the orphan and starving the widow. When you have passed away, each passer-by who looks upon your great mansion will say, 'How many tears did it take to build that mansion; how many orphans were stripped; how many widows wronged; how many laborers deprived of their honest wages?' Even death itself will not deliver you from your accusers."

Powerful statements made by both of these men. I can't imagine the feedback they got in their days. Both of theses men ended up in exile for these words and others like it. I imagine the same would happen if they were alive today.

A new beginning

To start off I am going to post my note that I wrote on facebook. Last year was a roller coaster ride for me and a very hard one at that. This note pretty much sums up the whole year and the lessons that I had to learn the hard way.

Well another year is almost over, and boy am I glad. As I take a look back at how this year began and how it is ending I am amazed. I never thought I would ever be in the place that I stand today. A lot of things have happened this year that I never thought would happen to me. For starters I am back in Arkansas and it looks like God is going to make this a permanent home for me, at least for a long while. The next is actually really exciting, school is about to end… forever… I hope. I also experienced a heartbreak that I never saw myself experiencing, and lastly, my relationship with my Father took a turn for the worse but I wouldn’t go back and fix it, ever, because the love for Him I have now wouldn’t be here if I hadn't first walked away from it. I am so thankful that the God I serve is faithful even when I am unfaithful. His consistent love, grace, and mercy are so unworthy for someone as wretched as I am, thankfully He does not think so.

I don’t understand why we humans fail to learn lessons the easy way. I know that God desires to teach us in a manner that causes us no pain but because we often choose to ignore Him when life is fine and dandy He must throw in some chaos so that we will focus our attention back on Him. One if the obvious difficult changes in my life has been my relationship status. When this year began I was in a relationship that I was sure was going to end up with that fairy tale story ending of happily ever after. Now here I am just a few weeks away from starting a new year single. I have learned a whole lot in these last 12 months and I hope to remember these lessons throughout the next 12.

1. Limbo is a crappy place to be but if your willing God will use it to teach you valuable lessons. I learned more about being in a relationship during the three week limbo period that the man I was dating took to break up with me then I did during the nine months that we dated. I knew the day he said we needed a break that God was trying to get my attention. When I finally let Him in and began to listen to His voice life just got easier. I didn’t say happier. Trust me those three weeks and the few weeks after were extremely painful but it was easy. I just had to let go and let God. There was nothing that I could do to change my situation, if I had tried I would of ended up with more hurt. Trusting God is far more simple then we make it out to be.

He doesn’t promise a road without pain and sorrow He just gives you a hand to hold on to and if your willing He’ll even pick you up and carry you. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 is true if you trust Him with everything (that is not holding even the littlest part of you back) He will direct your every step. That is a lesson that Robbie taught me. During the time that we dated he would often look at me and say, “Kat, trusting God is far more simple then you make it out to be.” Boy, was he right. It is soooo true. Its a hard lesson to have to learn and one that I have to tell myself daily. Thankfully God never gave up trying to teach me this lesson. I just wish that the lesson could of been taught differently… but then again He probably tried and I didn’t listen.

2. “God does His best work in you when you are at the end of yourself.” That is a quote from a Karen Kingsbury novel that I have seen come true not only in my own life but in the lives of some close friends. When you finally hit that spot in your life where you literally cannot go one more day by yourself that is when God steps in and does something amazing. The way He reveals Himself when you finally get tired of fighting and just throw yourself at the throne of grace unable to move till the King of Kings reaches down and picks you up will leave you breathless. The things I am capable of doing when He is my all in all is amazing. Words can’t describe the feeling. It is something you can only understand if you have been there. The road to finding the end of yourself is a painful one and while I was on it I desperately tried to turn around but now that I am here I never want to go back. The pain was worth it. Every tear, every agonizing moment was worth it. The relationship I now have with my Savior is worth any pain the world can throw at me.

3. One of the things that I learned while being a relationship with another person was that I really didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did. I did, felt, and said things that I wasn’t aware that I could or would ever do. I always thought that I was emotionally stable, able to control how I felt. Let me tell you that I am not. I struggle with emotional feelings that my head tells me are crazy. Emotions do not always follow your thoughts. Just when I think that I am over my breakup and able to completely move on I see him, or something that reminds me of something we did and emotionally I am a wreck. Now inside my head I am telling myself that this is crazy… didn’t just last week I decide that this breakup thing was good? He is not the one God has for you and this morning you were quite joyful about it...so why am I crying?? Its a very frustrating feeling that I really hate. I hate not being in control and before Jan I thought that my emotions was one of the things I had control of… boy was a I wrong. It all comes back to the issue of trust. I pray everyday that my emotions will line up with the will of God and not with my flesh. If my current emotions or the way I feel about something is different then His will I trust that it is because there is still a lesson there to learn and that in time… when He is finished teaching me not when I am done, He will line them both up. If for some reason my emotions are lined up with His will I will trust Him and know that His plans are far better then mine. When He is ready then I will understand and see why I felt that way. Its a daily battle and one that I am constantly talking to God about. Thats the only way to handle it. When I feel like my emotions are running away with me taking the time to talk to God about it allows me to clear my head and gives me a peace. God is not far from us. I can talk to Him whenever, wherever and about whatever. Thats the beauty of being His daughter. I can always cry out to Him and He will always hear me. He never leaves me and cares deeply about me even when I’m an emotional wreck. Nothing is too big or small for Him to handle. He desires to have a relationship with me. He wants me to talk to Him and to spend time with Him.

4. “Grace comes free of charge, on the house and with no strings attached.”- Philip Yancy from his book What’s so Amazing About Grace.Grace is a beautiful thing… when we are receiving it. When it is required of us to give it doesn’t appear to be so beautiful. Grace isn’t about fairness, life isn’t fair and we should be glad that it isn’t. If life was fair we would end up in hell. God would of removed himself from our lives and let us go precisely where we deserved to go. Thankfully life isn’t fair and the God we serve is just as merciful as He is just. He loves us. He loves us so much but that doesn’t mean He can overlook our sin. The sacrifice that Christ made on the cross wasn’t fair. Why should a perfect Lamb have to die such a terrible and painful death just for some lowly sinners who will for the most part spend their life running away from Him? Its all about love and grace. He loves us. His love for us is what causes Him to offer us grace and redemption. It makes me want to sing the old hymn… “Grace, grace, God’s grace. Grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Grace, grace, God’s grace. Grace that is greater than all our sin.” So if we are saved because of the grace that God showed us shouldn’t we be more willing to extend grace? There is nothing that anyone could do to me that would be worse then the crimes I have committed against Christ and He forgave me… it came free of charge, on the house, and with no strings attached. Shouldn’t I be able to offer that kind of grace to anyone? It’s an easy concept to grasp… not so easy to live out.

“The notion of God’s love coming to us free of charge, no strings attached, seems to go against every instinct of humanity.”

5. How do you handle a breakup in a way that glorifies God? That is the question of the year! I have had so much advice given to me in the last two months and a whole bunch of it contradicts each other. I wanted, really wanted, to be mad and angry at him. I wanted to think hateful things and never see him again. I was hurt, confused, and sad. The world and my flesh screamed for me to be angry and at times I gave into them. But of course I was at the time reading a book about grace. God sure has a sense of humor at times. There was no way I could stay angry with him. Even now two months later I wrestle with this. I still want to at times to be angry at the whole situation. I wish I could run away and avoid him. I don’t like seeing him… it reminds why I cared so deeply about him. The problem is I can’t find anything in Scripture that tells me to run away from trials and suffering. In fact I’m pretty sure after re-reading James for the hundredth time (its my fav book) I get the opposite message. I’m supposed to find joy in my sufferings. I began to listen to an online Bible Study that was on the book of James and I love this quote by the speaker,

”When you face hard times know for sure that God is doing something. He is shoring you up, (creating in you characteristics that enable you to hold up). He is shoring you up and showing you through. He is bending down off His throne, descending into your world, very personally, and grabbing your hand. Saying, ‘Walk this way,’ ‘Step this way,’ ‘Let me walk you through the fire.’ ” 

James 1:4 says, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” The trial that I am in right now is God’s way of developing in me perseverance. He is shoring me up. He is preparing me for something that I can’t yet see. Again I have to trust that He knows the bigger picture. All I can see right now is my current state. I don’t see where I will be or who I will be with five years down the road, but He can.

6. Another quote from the Bible study,

“He shores us up and shows us through by giving us wisdom. Wisdom does not mean that Jesus is going to tell you why. He does promise to tell us the what now. It’s okay to ask why… just don’t get stuck there.” 

I love this quote and say it out-loud to myself quite often. I like the fact that she says that we can ask God why. There are times when I feel like asking God the question why means that I don’t trust Him, but its ok to ask. I just can’t get stuck there. I get stuck pretty much everyday. In fact before I heard this it probably happened multiple times throughout the day. I love it when God places in our head a quote like this or a piece of Scripture that allows us to finally conquer a weakness in our life. I am allowed to ask the why question as long as I am willing to hear the answer, which sometimes is no answer.

7. He only commands what He also empowers! I think out of all the things I have learned this year, this one is the most comforting. There have been many times as of late that I have needed these words. Every time I get worried about a situation all I have to do is remind myself that God is with me. I been put into some very awkward situations that I wish I could avoid but I know that God is putting me there for a reason. I’m not sure why but thats not the point. God will not put me in a situation that is impossible. In every situation God is there with me giving me the power to get through it. Its hard to imagine that the God of the universe actually cares enough about me to give me the power to get through hard times, but He does. Nothing happens outside of Him. Anything that I go through is apart of His greater plan. I am incapable of seeing my future, but God knows all things. I am learning that trusting God means to be able and willing to follow Him where ever He leads even if the path ahead looks dark. Sometimes we have to go through the woods to get to the clearing. Even though the woods are dark and I am unable to see what is ahead my Savior, the one who cares more about then anyone else, is right there holding my hand and leading the way. It is by His strength that I can get up every morning and be joyful. It is Him who gives me the power to walk into a room with my head held high because I am His. He loves me and that is all that matters.

8.“Things don’t simply work for the good. They work for the good of those who have been called according to His purpose. In other words, things work to the good for those who don’t fight life’s up and downs, but roll with them, allowing God’s purpose to be bigger than all their hope’s and expectations combined. When God’s purpose is the main thing in your life, all things will work to the good.”
This quote from a Karen Kingsbury novel comes from Romans 8:28, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. I think that verses like this one are easily taken out of context and cause a lot of problems in Christianity today. We get sucked into believing this feel good message that being a Christian means that because God is on our side that life will be blissfully happy and that things will always work for the good. The problem is that our version of good and God’s version of good are as different as night and day. God doesn’t spend His time trying to make us humans happy. He wants to bring us closer to Him and He will do whatever it takes, including making us miserable, to get us there. It is us that must be willing to take whatever He throws our way. After all He only commands what He also enables. If what we are going through is what it takes to become closer, more like our perfect Savior shouldn’t we jump at the opportunity. Maybe that is why James tells us to consider it pure joy when we are faced with trails. I find it interesting that the word for joy here is the same word for joy that is found in the Luke 2 when the angels are talking to the shepherds. The news they have for the shepherds is joyful, they are announcing the birth of the Messiah. That same type of joy that the shepherds are told to have towards the newborn Christ is the same joy James tells us to have when facing hard times. I always thought of the joy that is talked about here would be more of an inward joy. As if I could be mostly sad but as a Christian I should at least have a smidgen of joy. I don’t think that is what James is telling us. The verse right after says that it is through such trials that God develops patience or perseverance as I talked about earlier. The number one thing in my life should be my walk with Christ. As a Christian it is my goal to strive for perfection. I know that I can never reach that but it is still my goal. I am called to be Christ-like, after all that is what the word Christian means, and Christ was perfect. I am striving to be more like Him every day so when He brings hard times my way I should rejoice with a joy much like I would if I were the shepherds hearing the news about the baby Christ being born. After all I know that when I am faced with trials that Jesus promises to be there with me, to personal see me through. I get to walk hand in hand with the Creator God. He obviously thinks that I am capable of handling the situation and knows that when I get through it I will be that much closer to Him. One of the books that I have recently read said that when we sin, or go through hard times, that it cuts the string that attaches us to God. But because of His faithfulness He reaches down, picks it up, and ties a knot. Every time we make the choice to cut ourselves away from Him He uses that to actually bring us closer to Him. With each and every knot we get closer and closer to Him. I love that! It is a great visual of our sin. We think that it tears us away from Him but what we do for evil God mends it and through that mending process we actually come out closer to Him then we were before. I only wish we could grasp just how undeserving we are of this type of love that we receive from Him.

9. Psalm 31:14-17a-

But I trust in You, O Lord; I say “You are my God.” My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your unfailing love. Let me not be put to shame, O Lord, for I have cried out to You. 

For someone like me this verse is not always a comforting one. The fact that my times are in His hands is good. After all it is far better for the one who sees my future to be in control of my future. If I was in control life would be a mess. But that means that I have to admit that I have no control. I have to be willing to be submissive to His plans. I am willing to be submissive to His timing, as long as it coincides with mine. Unfortunately that is not how God works. In fact I’m pretty sure He throws some chaos in just to remind me that He is the boss and not me. The beauty in God’s timing is that He knows my desires, in fact He put them there. Sometimes I think that He is surprised my the desires of my heart, or that He doesn’t understand them. But if the desires of my heart are there because I have delighted in Him, therefore allowing His desires to be mine, then they aren’t just my hearts desires they are His. The issue is that my sight is limited to the present and His is not. The desire of my heart should always be to seek Him and glorify Him in all that I do. I don’t always wake up desiring to do that but when I stay in His Word and walk with Him daily I find that I wake up desiring Him more often then the things of this world. It is when I stray from Him, thinking that I need to speed up His plans that my desires stray from His. In the short life that I have lead I have found that walking hand in hand with God is the best place to be. Sometimes it is quite painful but I would rather be constantly in the midst of pain and sorrow with my God then in a world of happiness without Him. That is the hardest lesson that I have learned this year and I believe it is the one that I had to learn in order to continue on in my faith.

10. Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. This verse is hanging above my kitchen sink. It is a verse that caught my eye when I lived in Virginia and I had written on a sticky note and stuck it to my headboard. When everything happened between Robbie and I that was the first verse that God gave to me. I can’t tell you just how many times over the past few months that I desperately needed this verse. I have had days that I feel so weary that I don’t even know how to get out of bed. The lessons that God has been teaching me are very intense and I intend to remember them for a long time. It is not a coincidence that my lessons in grace came along with my breakup. God was and is trying to teach me a very hard yet important lesson here. This lesson sucks at times. Sitting here at Passion I want to hid and run far away for the group I am with (he is here with us) but I keep getting told to hold up my head and talk to him, be kind to him, love him as I love him. I must remember that God only commands me to do what He is also willing to empower me to do. If I continue to do what He says then according to this verse I will reap a harvest.

11. If life were stable I’d never need God’s help. Since it’s not I reach out to Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don’t have control because it makes me run to God. -Francis Chan from his book “Crazy Love”
So when I first read this quote in the book I highlighted it and thought that it was a great quote, I wrote it on a sticky stuck it on my headboard and didn’t think about it again for a few months. As spring came and choices concerning where I would live had to be made I saw the quote again. My first reaction to this was, “thats great whenever I am hurting God will be there.” Yes, God will be there, always, but that is not what I think Chan thought when he wrote this. We must learn to be thankful for the times when we have no clue what is happening. If we never had to deal with any unknowns then we wouldn’t need God. What a shame it would be to never need God. I must learn to be thankful for the fact that I am not in control, it is what makes me need God. Needing God is not a sign of weakness, its a sign of strength. He made us to need Him, there is strength is admitting that.

12. “My mistakes are running through my mind and I'll relive my days, in the middle of the night and I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride. Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry. In this life I know what I've been, but here in your arms I know what I am. I'm forgiven, I'm forgiven and I don’t have to carry the weight of who I've been cause I'm forgiven.” Sanctus Real
I LOVE this song. Love, love, love this song. It has been a wonderful reminder these past few months that my Father still loves me and no matter what life throws I am still forgiven and a child of a King who loves me. Anytime I feel like life is beating me up, I can run into His arms and be reminded of who I am. My life isn’t about who I was. This doesn’t just refer to my life before Christ it applies to my current situation. It doesn’t matter where I failed yesterday or even this morning. Tonight as a sit here writing this I am forgiven. All my sin has been wiped clean. The person I was yesterday is gone. God doesn’t keep record of my wrongs, He casts them as far as the east is from the west. When I beat myself up over something that is in my past that is my own doing. God doesn’t shove things in our face and take us on guilt trips… we do that to ourselves. Yes, God wants us to learn from our past mistakes but He wants us to think of them just as that… things in the past. I can’t change my past, but I can change my future. I can make the choice to learn from the wrong things that I have done and choose not to do that again.
The one question that I keep asking myself as I begin this new year is how what am I going to do differently. Just the other day my friend Tracy gave me a mug for Christmas that had the word TRUST on it. I laughed and told her thanks. She just smiled at me and reminded me that I own that word now. My response to that was to roll my eyes and give her a whatever look. She is right. I began 2009 not even knowing what trusting God looked like but I ended the year owning the word. I do know what it looks like to trust Him, and I know how to do it. I can wake up most days now and confidently proclaim that I trust God and that whatever that day brings I know that with His help I can get through it. I want to end this note with another quote from Karen Kingsbury. I have loved reading her series on the Baxter family and recommend it to anyone.

“God’s will is a little like taking a Sunday drive with God behind the wheel. God’s driving. He might take a turn where you don’t expect a turn or go through a valley that feels too dark, but you don’t have to worry about a thing, because your just the passenger. Whatever happens, God will get you home in the end as long as you let Him drive. That’s God’s will.” 

My prayer for this year is that not only will I let God drive but that I will learn to be a content and joyful passenger even when He takes an unexpected turn.