The perspective of years

On Monday I continued writing on my journey through Ann's book. Chapter 8 is on trusting God and I only got through a portion of the chapter in my last post so consider this Chapter 8 part 2:-)

Towards the end of the chapter Ann makes this statement.

"Sometimes we don't fully see in Christ, because of Christ, through Christ, He does give us all things good - until we have the perspective of years.

In time, years, dust settles.

In memory, ages, God emerges.

Then when we look back, we see God's back."

Then she uses a beautiful illustration from Exodus 33. Moses asks to see God's glory, and this is the response he gets.

"And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.” -Exodus 33:19-21

I have read this story... taught on this story many times, and never have I thought of the cleft God stuck Moses in as a dark place. But Ann catches it, and I read on.... and it catches me off guard because one would think that sticking Moses in a cleft and covering him would be just a minor detail, yet now I see it as the most important detail. It's dark in the cleft.... it's even darker when He places His hand over the cleft. Darkness.... unable to see.... no way to know what is going outside..... that is where Moses was placed. It was only after Moses entered the darkness.... the unknown..... that He was then able to see the glory of God. And Ann has this to say.

"When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand?... In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us, I-beam supporting in earthquake. Then He will remove His hand. Then we will look."

Can it really be true, this idea that "dark is the holiest ground?" The statement is hard, and I want to see it as impossible.... but what about the lesson I taught just a few days ago to those young ones. Did not Jesus experience the darkest possible place that day as He hung on the cross? But isn't it through the darkness of the cross... through the death of an innocent man that God's glory was fully revealed? And suddenly the statement doesn't seem so impossible.

But sometimes we don't see Him in the midst of darkness... sometimes it's so dark and we can't see a thing, that is when we have to trust (there's that word again) that He is faithful and will never leave. Because sometimes we don't see Him till later on down the road, till we take a peck in that rear-view mirror. And As Ann says, "I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long. long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rear-view mirror... maybe sometimes about as far as heaven- that kind of distance."

*I wrote Ch 8 part 1 here.
*All unmarked quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

"God and I, we've long had trust issues."

That is the first line of chapter 8.... and suddenly I can't breathe. It's only eight words long yet it makes my heart stop. Oh Ann, really, you too? I thought I was alone.... I thought that most "christians" didn't: long have trust issues. Sure I know everyone struggles to trust at times... but to long have trust issues, I thought, maybe, I was alone. That is my life, summed up in eight simple words. "God and I, we've long had trust issues."

And then I close the book, place it on the nightstand, and turn off the light. Nope.... just not going to go there Ann.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling.... I kind of want to know what Ann says about it... kind of.

Sleep never comes, might as well read.

In the New Testament the word pisteuo is found two hundred and twenty times. We usually see this word translated in to belief. However Ann's research says it literally means "to put one's faith in; to trust."

Hmmm..... not so sure I like where this is going. I tend to wrinkle my nose up to that "T" word.... apparently Ann does too... because she says so just a few sentences later. Yet she is braver then I and proposes the question, one I would never have the courage to ask.

"Without trust in the good news of Jesus, without trust in the good news of God's saving work even in this moment, without an active, moment-by-moment trust in the good news of all-sovereign, all-good God, how can we claim to fully believe?"

I know... have known this truth, yet it's one of those things that I struggle to push from the "knowing of the head to the bleeding of the heart." It's not a new truth, one I know and often fail to remember. Ann names it, and it's not a pretty name and the name of it in one way shocks me, yet really doesn't, after all it makes complete sense.

"If authentic, saving belief is the act of trusting, them to choose stress is an act of disbelief.... atheism.
Anything less then gratitude and trust is practical atheism."

 Because the lack of faith isn't necessarily an intellectual disbelief in God's existence as much as it is a distrust that there is a good God. But if I don't emotionally believe and trust in the goodness of God, do I truly believe? Doesn't a believer have to trust? And isn't trust a day-to-day action, not a one-time event?

Sunday comes and it's the first Sunday of the month, the week my church sets aside to remember. To break the bread and drink the blood in remembrance of Him. Because He says to. And we give thanks and remember the sacrifice, the sacrifice that was made so that we could fully live. Do we fully grasped what it means to fully live? Do we understand this faith we claim to live by? Do we even care to find out?

We live in a world that appears to beg for tolerance, yet really what they want is something that is real. Too many times I see Christianity described as just another one of the world's religions, and so many.... too many live their life as if it were. Far too often we forget... I forget.... that the reason why our God is different is because He is real..... and He seeks relationships. I recently read, and I wish I remember where, that we serve a BIG God, but not too big because He cares for every little sparrow, every little circumstance, every single person. The God we serve isn't interest is religion, He is interested in you.... and in me. Faith isn't just knowledge in a Holy, supreme and sovereign God. Faith is an action, one that requires trust, and that seeks for joy in every situation, in every single second of the day.

"This is what faith really is:

believing, not with the head or the lips or out of habit,

but believing with one's whole life.

It means seeking community with...

Christ in every situation in life..."

~Jurgen Moltmann

We don't get to chose what area of our life we give to Him and what area we get to keep. When we truly believe.... trust.... in Him then we give it all up. Oh how we forget that God isn't some far off being who sits high on His throne, unapproachable, and without a care as to what we do. He is approachable, He is near, He is attentive to His children. Yet He is King over all and He is Sovereign and no, I don't quite understand how a God so powerful, so mighty, so Holy can be so near, and so attentive, and have time for lowly little me. And I guess that's why I forget because I believe the lie that He doesn't have time to fulfill His promises, that He doesn't want to hear my little requests. The truth is that He is not satisfied when I settle to just know of Him, He wants me to know Him. To personally, know, to personally walk with Him. 

 “God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.”

 ~Ernest Boyer, Jr.

 And knowing God is the only way to fully live, but knowing God requires trusting Him. Ann says, "It's only when you live the prayer of thanksgiving that you live the power of trusting God." Once again we are led back to eucharisteo. Because it is because of the grace (charis) that we get the chance to live, and only through giving thanks (eucharisteo) can we receive joy (chara). And isn't that what we really want? A joy filled life is the only way to fully live, and joy isn't an emotion, it's a way of life. We can find joy in the dark, we can find it in the sadness... in the pain.... and in ever other circumstance because the sovereign God we serve is in control and all things work out for those who love Him (Ro 8:28).

#635-649

New friends

Late talks, all about Him

Encouragement from the new friends

Sweet memories made with precious children

Sunshine

New flowers

Thunderstorms

Baking bread with a friend

The smell of fresh baked bread

Watching children enjoy the fresh bread

Teaching a lesson on remembering

Unleaven bread, a prefect picture of our need for remembrance

A Father who is willing to remind us, over and over again

A Father who never forgets

For the blood that saves

* I wrote about chapter 7 here
* All unmarked quotes come from chapter 8 of Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

The fight for a blessing

In the first few pages of chapter 7 from Ann's book I read this quote that Ann so beautifully states, "That God tries to gently drive the words of Caussade from the knowing of my head to the bleeding of my heart." Oh how I long for the knowledge that sits in the brain to make its way into the veins. To live the knowledge... the yes.... that my head knows. The quote is strong, makes me think hard, and I want this quote to make it all the way down to the heart, and I want my heart to pump it to ever corner of my being.

"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances, and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies - though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you expect by the will of God, and yet (God's) beloved children curse it because they do not know it for what it is." 

If I cling to that truth... that all is His will.... then I will see Him in everything. And then I read this, "I'm blind to joy's well every time I really don't want it." So I don't see joy because I chose not to, never because it isn't there. Joy.... grace.... God..... is always there, but I don't always want to see Him. She takes it a step further. When we reject joy it is not just joy we are rejecting. It is Him, the giver of joy, that we ultimately reject. And when we reject Him we are really saying that don't want God. Never will He withhold joy from our lives, we withhold it from ourselves.

I read on..... she tells the story of Jacob. Oh how I love the story of Jacob, I am a Jacob. Jacob the rusher, the one who believed the lie that He wouldn't fulfill His promise. Jacob, the man who thought God needed help. And Jacob, the one known for his fight with an angel.

"All that while Jacob hadn't known who he was wrestling. Just a man in the dark, a man he couldn't see. And in the black, all that night, it was the face of God over him that he was struggling again. God is behind the faces."

He is behind it all... even in the dark He is there. It is up to us to seek out His face. And sometimes we have to fight for the blessings.... fight through the dark in order to reach the light. 


* I wrote about chapter 6 here
* All quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

Not so unlike an Israelite

I have been studying the Old Testament, partly because it is what I have been teaching to my Sunday school class.... partly because I love the history and the way I can identify with the ones who have walked before.

I read chapter 6 of that book and Ann is honest and silently I am relieved that she is human and that she forgets too. Even the one who wrote the book on it forgets to count and suddenly I realize I'm too hard on myself, expect too much, and essentially set myself up for failure.

"I am a wandering Israelite who sees the flame in the sky above, the pillar, the smoke from the mountain, the earth open up and give way, and still I forget."

How many times do I read those stories and laugh at their stupidity, at how many times they screw up, time and time again they forget that He always comes through. But then I stop and and I think about myself and at how many times I do the same thing. I forget every day, I fail to live the yes, and I live the no, yet I criticize the Israelites for the very thing I am so good at doing myself. They lived under reminders, a cloud during the day and a flame at night, and yet, still, they forgot.

So I keep reading. I read of her chasing the moon and smile because I have my own "chasing the moon experiences." Slowly my mind traces back over those "chasing the moon" experiences and suddenly I feel a smidgen of that desire for Him that has been covered by dark and all of a sudden a spark of light is seen.

"Eucharisteo is everywhere and I want to see eucharisteo everywhere and I want to remember how badly I really want to see it."

And that has been my prayer as of late, that I would remember how badly I want Him, how badly I need Him. That I would want to want Him.

My attention is drawn back to the fact that we live in a sin-cursed world and in sin-cursed bodies that need reminding. And sometimes the only way to remember is to fall.

"Pain is everywhere, and wherever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least, in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is what I want."

And the cycle will be endless, because we are just like the Israelites, and history always repeats itself. That is why we cling to faith because faith is not something that we did but it is something that we live. It's not a thing to put in the past, its a thing to cling to in the present. 

"Faith is not a one-in-the-past action, but faith is always a way of seeing, a seeking for God in everything."

We must look and we must seek because we only find what we are looking for when we seek. And to find Him we cannot seek merely with our eyes, no, to find Him we must seek with all our heart, all our mind, and with all our soul. For it is not enough to just gaze upon Him, we must empty ourselves of all that is meaningless and allow Him to make us whole.

* I wrote about chapter 5 here
* All quotes come from Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts Ch 6

Hard Eucharisteo

What is your hard eucharisteo? I'm sure it is different then mine. And in the years to come harder ones will come my way. The fact is we live in a sin-cursed world and there will be pain. It affects us all differently but if does affect everyone. We must realize that it will come, that it will in fact hit us when we least expect it. The thing to remember is that when it comes God is still good, He is still there, and He knows.

Questions asked from those young ones sitting in a circle.... they look to me for the answers. One can never prepare for the hard questions that come from ones so young. "Why... why does Jesus ask, as He prays alone in the garden, if there is any other way? Doesn't He, being fully God, already know the answer."

I let out a chuckle, oh to grasp the incarnation, if only that was possible. But it is a good question.

Why did He ask? Why did He want another way? Why did He not do it another way? Why the cross?  Is it because He knew that we would need to see the hands nail-scarred? Is it because we need to know that He knows?

There is comfort in knowing that the hands that cup my face during the hard eucharisteo understand the pain. Those "nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, 'I know. I know.' "

He knows, and He does not ignore our pain, and we don't have to pretend that it doesn't hurt. And the honest words of Ann ring true to my heart because we can be honest about our feelings towards the Almighty, He can handle our anger, He can handle our hurt, and we don't offend Him by being honest, and He doesn't need protection from our anguish.

"I won't shield God from my anguish by claiming He's not involved in the ache of this world and Satan prowls but he's a lion on a leash and the God who govern all can be be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief and I can moan deep that He did this - and He did."

 And then I read "Sometimes we need time to answer the hard eucharisteo." And my heart stops and my surroundings fade because I needed to hear that. For weeks I feel defeated because the battle has raged for months and it feels like it will never end and I wonder what is wrong with me. I keep telling people I need time and the looks I get make me feel dirty, because shouldn't I be able to move on quicker then this. I've never been stuck like this before and the words I hear are words that sting, and they seem to say that this struggle is small and one day I'll look back and laugh because I shouldn't have fought so hard, and I let out a laugh to smooth out the moment but inside I'm feeling ripped apart because it is hard and they don't understand because they haven't struggled there.

But I know what the real struggle is and it's that He wants me empty and it's that process of emptying that hurts because in the emptiness there is darkness. And it's only in the darkness that we find the light. And He knows because He went there... to the ultimate darkness... the cross. But it is out of that darkness that the world found life...... "And there is no other way." Oh but I want there to be another way. 

But there's not and I must learn to accept it and I must let it come. Because only the "emptiness itself can birth the fullness of grace because in the emptiness we have the opportunity to turn to God, the only begetter of grace, and there find all the fullness of joy."

And she ends the chapter with words that I must cling to....

"The good news that all those living in the land of shadow of death have been birthed into new life, that the transfiguration of a suffering world has already begun. That suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart - and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty."

* I wrote about chapter 4 here
* all quotes are from Ann Voskamsp's book One Thousand Gifts chapter 5

The hurry leaves us empty

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

J. R. R. Tolkien

The quote that begins chapter 4 brings back to mind a recent conversation with a dear friend who lives far away. Normally we spend days, even weeks playing phone tag and in recent months the times we have caught one another have been for just a few minutes. Why.... because life is busy and I fail time after time to slow down and just live.

But finally the day came when our schedules finally aligned and a few hours were found to truly catch up and oh how good it was for my soul. She is such a dear friend and one whom God knew that I needed in my life. Sometimes we just need a friend who is not connected to our everyday journeys, one who can offer fresh perspective because she doesn't see the day to day. And sometimes it's good to just hear yourself say your thoughts out loud.

We talked about life and about our struggles. And a point was made that mid-twenties is just a weird place to be. She listened and I listened and we both identified with not knowing the future and realizing that what we wanted three years ago wasn't where we were and that there is nothing wrong with that.

Part of the issue is the society we live in.... everyone is always asking about the next season... when do you plan on getting married, when do you plan on having kids, when are you having another kid, when are you going to stop having kids, when are you going to retire, when, when, when.... and it never stops.

We live for what's next.... and we hurry through life and then wonder why we were are left empty.

"Whatever the pace, time will keep it and there's no out running it, only speeding it up and pounding the feet harder; the minutes pound faster too. Race for more and you'll snag on time and leak empty. The longer I keep running, the longer the gash, and I drain, bleed away. 

Hurry always empties a soul."

Ann has figured out the problem.

But she stirs my soul when she reminds that it is God who gives us time, yet it seems we have so little time to give Him.

And why do we hurry?? "Maybe it is the hurt that drives us on? For all our frenzied running seemingly toward something, could it be that we are in fact fleeing - desperate to escape pain that pursues?" And yes maybe, maybe Ann you are right. It makes sense, in a rather illogical way, to escape the hurt we hurry through life so we don't have to face it. But really all we do is exhaust ourselves because running from the pain doesn't make it go away.

Can we slow it down? Ann seems to suggest that we can. She quotes a favorite, a godly woman who writes so beautifully... "Wherever you are, be all there." And the scripture says to give thanks in all things, and Ann suggests that the problem isn't that we don't have enough time but that we don't have enough thanksgiving. Eucharisteo living... joy-filled living.

We can give thanks in all things, because He is in all things and He is all powerful, always in control. And "life is not an emergency. Life is eucharisteo." And the times we think are cause for emergency, for hurry, are actually times to stop, to acknowledge Him. to trust Him.

And that's what this counting thing is all about. It's not just another list to create, not another thing to check off... no it's to change a habit. A habit that has you racing through life, forgetting, missing the beauty that is all around. Missing the One who gives us every second.

#624-634

Sunshine

Tulips bright and colorful

A clean flower bed, ready for planting

A day of dirt digging and soul filling with a best friend

A satisfied feeling after a day of hard work in the sun

Fence building

Tearing away weeds as tall as trees

An empty fence line fully visible

Fields ready for new seed

A chance to catch up with a faraway friend


* I wrote about chapter 3 here
* All quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand gifts chapter 4

Old habits die hard

The last time I mentioned Ann's book I wrote about joy, eucharisteo, and how it is not a feeling, not an emotional mountain that is to be climbed. Well the next chapter, chapter 3, says that eucharisteo has to be learned. "And learning requires practice-- sometimes even mind-numbing practice..... practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation."

And it makes sense... and I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe I'm not the only one who struggles with developing good habits.  Maybe I'm not the only one who trudges on in what seems like mind-numbing practice. And I love how she admits that practice is hard because it is yet we tell ourselves it is easy and we tell each other that it is easy and we believe the lie that it should be easy.

But life isn't easy and it's better to admit that it's hard instead of pretending that it is easy. We never quit learning so we will never quit practicing and it will never get easier. An old habit will go away and a new one will form only to reveal another new old habit that must be nailed out. And Ann offers a strategy that seems to make sense.

"Life changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time."

And sometimes it takes a lot of nails... and a lot of time. So I'm not alone, and I am not the only one who clings hard to old habits. The key is to keep hammering... and the nails don't have to be big.

A life full of joy... full of thanksgiving requires fighting. The saying that old habits die hard is very true and when you add the spiritual battle ,your flesh fighting your spirit, those old habits are even harder to kill.The last thing the enemy wants is for Christians to be thankful. When you begin the journey towards a thankful life, a life of living eucharisteo, it will get harder before it gets easier.

As the chapter ends the words get harder to read... because Ann isn't interested in making you comfortable... she wants you to change. The last paragraph is a hard one and one I wrote about here because it's not an easy paragraph to read but it needs to be heard.

I love that Ann doesn't back down and that her words, while not coated with sugar, are written with so much grace.

* I wrote about chapter 2 here
* all quotes come from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand gifts Chapter 3.

Seek and you will find

I love how God has placed this book in my life at just the right time.  The words in chapter 2 are not ones that I want to hear hear.... especially when I am fighting.... when I want to just sit and settle.

Ann seems to know my heart condition.... that feeling as if I am the walking dead. You know what I'm talking about. The times when we just go through the motions.... the hollow, the shallow, the lifeless motions of existing. She points out that thing I do.... self-protecting by self-distracting. The point where we lose our capacity to feel anything.

Then the paragraph is read that reminds my heart what my head already knows.... "that joy is not an "exotic location of an emotional mountain peak experience." Joy is a choice..... not a feeling.... and it's something that God expects from His children.

It only gets worse...... I read that sentence..... the one that makes me wrinkle my nose up.... the one that makes me wish I had never picked up this book.

"Eucharisteo (thanksgiving) always PRECEDES the miracle"

Oh Ann.... why did you have to write that out for my eyes to see?????

She continues... "Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives. Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our YES! to His grace."

Sigh..... I really did already know that.... after all isn't that what this fighting is all about?? I'm not thankful for what He has given me because I don't want to accept it. I'm still shaking my head no. I don't want to give thanks because I'm not yet ready to accept this place I am at.

But if Ann's words are true... and I am sure they are.... the miracle will not happen until my spirit is thankful. The only way to accept this place is to find the good.... find the things to be thankful for.... to search for them. And in searching for the good am I not really searching for Him.... for His fingerprints? And I know that if I will just look then I will find.

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 

Luke 11:9

* I wrote about chapter 1 here
All quotes come from chapter 2 of Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand gifts.

Live the yes

I read Ann's book and watch the chapter videos and listen to her pour out her heart. She asks"have you ever felt: that He didn't answer a prayer the way you thought it should of been answered.... wounded by Him..... that He wasn't there when you thought He would be (or rather not in the way you thought He should of been)??" and I shout yes to everyone of them.

She doesn't stop there. Ann keeps going... keeps prodding.... keeps convicting. How do I respond to Him in these situations? Do I hold His hand and keep walking or do I stop and shake my head no?

Do the words that come out of my mouth match up to the path my feet trod? Do I whisper yes, only to live the no?

In the first chapter of her book Ann boldly announces the great deceiver's lie, "It's the cornerstone of his movement. That God withholds good from His children, that God does not genuinely, fully, love us."

A few more paragraphs and I read this, "Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other." And I cringe.... because isn't that what this fight is all about? Isn't the whole reason for these feeling that are raging through me because I want, I crave something different then what He has set before me?

So the question I now ask myself is do I really want joy? Because if I do then it is up to me to change. He is there... always there.... all I have to do is live the yes.

The hard part of coming back to Him is that we... I think that to come back I need to superglue the pieces together before approaching His throne. I forget that He doesn't ask for us to come to Him whole.... in fact He requires us to come to Him broken, for only He can make us whole.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

and so begins the season of storms

The day begins with out a speck of sun, dark clouds cover the sky and it makes getting out of bed so much harder. I wake up smiling.... this not-a-morning-person is smiling first thing. I wonder why and a glance at my bedside table reveals the culprit. That book, most of you know which one I'm talking about. That one which tells us that the secret to a full life is gratitude. And I remember how I fell asleep last night.... counting. Hmmm..... it really does work, doesn't it? This concept of taking captive every moment and turning it into a God-moment really does affect the soul.

I also remember how last nights chapter ended and the smile goes away. She says true gratitude isn't thankful so that life will change, no true gratitude is being thankful here, where I am at right now, and with no change expected.

I rather dislike that statement.

I sit here at work and watch the sky grow darker, and the wind get stronger. It's that time of the year again. Winter is on it's way out and the storm season is rolling on in. Spring is eagerly anticipated but with it comes the storms. Storms that while they quench the grounds can wreck havoc, devastating the earth. Yet we must have these storms, without the rain there can be no new life. New life requires the old to be stripped away, to be pruned, to be destroyed.

And the same must happen to us. The old must be torn down. We must be pruned, the dead things stripped away so that new life can grow.

Ann likens our lives to a canvas. The things that happen to us, the plans that fail, the dreams unfilled, and the pain that occurs all rip holes in our canvas. Ann proposes that instead of looking at these things as ruining our canvas, rather look at those things as holes to see God. That maybe the tough things in life happen so that we may see that it is God that controls our lives.

The wind dies down and the rain slows to a steady fall. The sound of the drops on the metal shop roof fill the office and I smile. I don't yet know if this idea of gratitude works in the long run, but I can tell that it worked today:-)

#615-623

Fun times at Awana's

Sweet note from a missing T&T

Sweet greetings from soft noses over the fence

My dog, never ever has he been disappointed to see me.

Those daffodils still a bright and cheery yellow

Raindrops hitting a metal roof

The howl of the wind

Soft thunder in the distant, always a reminder just how powerful my God is

Fighting for eucharisteo

This morning while sipping on coffee I read about eucharisteo. A chapter ends and I lay aside the book and go on with my day. As I go about my chores my thoughts keep going back to those stories... the ones about death, of mothers burying their children, of pain I can't even begin to imagine.

I slid into my car and begin the journey to the friend who will soon be leaving. I try to throw away thoughts on the eucharisteo, I'm not in a thankful mood.... but then I drive by a cemetery. I see the hole freshly dug, and chairs set up for love ones to sit on. And He asks what about my life is so bad? I can no longer resist. I must accept the eucharisteo. I must fight for that joy.

But to be honest... I don't want to. To fight for joy means to no longer dwell in what I don't have, in the dreams have yet to come true.

A song comes on and I sing of how He loves me so. I sing and then I stop. I think about the words that I just sang.... "and all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory"

Is it possible that Ann's words are really true? That suffering really has "the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace?"

And the words hit me so hard that here I am in a parking lot typing away at a screen, taking a moment to count before meeting that dear friend.

#589-595

A long drive to contemplate words just read

The beauty of a cloudy day

Signs on the road, there to give us direction

Trees still bare

The strange warmth in the air... telling of a storm that is brewing

A book ready to be given away

A parking lot on the side of the highway... perfect spot for writing on eucharisteo

Book Club!!!

I am so excited to be joining with (in)courage for their new online book club! The first book is Ann Voskamp's book: One Thousand gifts.

I just received my copy of her book plus one for a friend. And yesterday I received an e-mail from (in)courage announcing that I had won their recent giveaway.... insert sequels of joy.... I've never won a giveaway before and this one happens to have a signed copy of Ann's book:-) So now I have 2 to giveaway!!!!

If only I could express to you just how happy I am right now!!!! So happy that as I type this at work I really just want to run outside and shout for joy!!!

It's feeling a little like Christmas around here, or maybe birthdayish (after all less then 2 weeks from the actual birthday). My mom's b-day was last week so I ordered her 5 Karen Kingsbury books... which means after she reads them I get too :-) so blessed to have a mom who has great taste. Then there is Ann's book that just arrived. And I finally used my huge gift card that roomie gave me for Christmas, it was to a tack shop and I spent weeks agonizing over what to get.... rough life eh?? And then I win this giveaway and it includes a lovely canvas print, a mug (how did they know I'm addicted to coffee) Ann's book, plus some bookmarks. Oh what a joyous life I have!!!! Plus roomie and I are loading up the horses and going to Hot Springs for a mini vacation/clinic with a friend/trainer:-) Oh how wonderful this week is turning out to be!!

Just do the next right thing

I've been reading this blog for almost a year now... at first I thought the idea of counting blessings was a sweet one. I read a few other blogs that joined in the counting and enjoyed reading their lists. Then just before summer arrived I joined in the journey to a thousand gifts. Little did I know just how much of an impact that small, yet ever growing list would have on my life.

The impact of this list slowly crept in, at first unnoticed. Then I forgot about it... got to busy to take the time to count. I'm sure you know how that is.

But here recently the Almighty keeps whispering in my ear about it. He doesn't nag me about it, it's more like a constant tapping on the shoulder. An encouraging tapping, because He knows the importance of this lesson and apparently wants me to grasp its importance.

I think, maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to understand the importance.

You see a few weeks ago the counting became something pushed to the back burner. One of those I'll-do-it-tomorrow things. And then I wrote this post and realized that I desperately needed to get back in the habit.


But I kept forgetting. Or maybe a part of me didn't want to?


I'm learning that when we live in a constant state of gratitude their is no room for selfishness. And I am a selfish person. One thing that counting my blessings has done is show me just how selfish I really am. It has brought out the child in me. I realize that when things don't the way I want them to I tend to shut Him out.


Because the way my life goes primarily depends on the plans He has for me. 

I forget that the one who allows the Lord to direct his steps is one who will be richly blessed.

I forget that His ways are better then mine.

I forget....

Then I realized that my enemy has been successfully diverting me from this task because he is fully aware of just how dangerous giving thanks can be.

And that just makes me mad. When I start to look at life through His eyes I begin to see my flesh for what it really is.

It breaks my heart... because once again I have strayed from His arms.

But I do only what I can do... and that is to do the next right thing. Which is to count....

# 530-540

Thanksgiving.... because we must learn to give thanks.

Family.... because they are who I have for the rest of my life

Friends.... because without them I think I would be lost

The holiday season.... because it reminds of the 2 most important things: gratitude and the birth of our Savior

Christmas... because of all the decorating
                   and all the glitter
                   and its the season giving
                   and baking
                   and Christmas music
                   and because without the birth of my Savior I would           
                   be forever lost