There's this topic that I've been writing on for some time. I have yet to actually publish one on it... maybe because I don't really want to... maybe because I don't quite have it figured out yet... or maybe because I'm just afraid to. However, I figured that it's time... time to just let go and let my fingers do the talking. Sometimes rambling on about a subject helps me to understand it more. Guess that's what I'm about to do.
The topic has to do with me.... or maybe it's more about another person I don't yet know... or maybe it's all about Him.
From the outside I'm a strong, put together, confident single woman. On the inside I'm a quiet, shy, searching little girl who just wants to be someones princess.
This journey of singleness that I am currently on is not one that I have ever desired. Yet, I know that it is one that He has asked me to be on... at least for just a little while longer. There aren't many quality choices out there... maybe one.. maybe two.. or maybe none. I don't believe in seeking them out, not to say that God doesn't have others do it that way, but for me that would just be a way for me to take control and God says no. In fact He even says no when I say no and put up walls. I can't go searching for the one but I also can't just shut out all guys.
He says no, stop trying to steer the car. I am to sit there next to Him and let Him control the direction... at all times... and quietly... and obediently... with a good attitude. He wants a simple yes sir from me and that's all.
I like to roll my eyes, sigh, slump down in the chair with my arms crossed, while mumbling something not very nice. I don't like to be told what to do, and I don't like to be to told to be quiet. Guess I'm not quite out of the adolescence phase of life yet huh???
A long while back a few friends and I were sitting around a table talking about boys and relationships. There was only one married woman at the table the rest of us were single.. none even dating at the time (now I'm the only one still single... lol). I don't know how we got to the following statement but I'll never forget it. But before I tell you it there's a disclaimer... it sounds really rude and mean but it wasn't it. I actually, still to this day, find it rather amusing because first off it's true and secondly I knew exactly what she meant and you just have to know the other 2 girls that were sitting there at the table. She told me "Mama's don't want their boys to grow up and marry girls like you and me... they want them to marry a girl like______."
You see her and I are a scary type of girl. We are that fiercely independent, strong-willed, I-don't-need-anyone type of girl that is covered from head to toe, and several layers thick of pure sass. A sweet, passive, quiet man just won't do for girls like us. I can't just get along with anyone and try as I do it just isn't possible for me to not offend someone a couple times a week... truth kinda just pours out of my mouth on occasion. Not to mention the fact that I want at least half-a-dozen kiddos, mostly adopted from around the world, and I plan on home-schoolin' em all. Not many guys out there that want to be on a journey like that.
I am aware of all of this and lets say... oh about... 89% of the time I am more then ok with this. I don't want to settle for just any man. But the older I get the more impossible it seems to find one that doesn't get his feelings hurt easily or that isn't afraid to stand up to me. And it doesn't help that out of the 20 or so people in our circle of friends I am one of 2 single girls and all the single guys are at least 3 years younger. It can get slightly depressing at times.
About a year ago a relationship that I was sure would end up lasting forever ended. It was hard at the time but looking back it was the best thing that ever happened. He and I just are not right for each other. I struggled for awhile asking God not why it had ended but why I even had to go through it... why not just never of had us date. I knew when he asked me out that it was God's will for me to say yes. So I never questioned whether I was wrong to have entered the relationship to begin with.
As the months went by I learned that God used that relationship to reveal some weak spots in my life. One of them is that I so badly desired to be married that I was willing to settle for the first guy that I was in a relationship with. He wasn't... isn't... a bad guy. He just isn't right for me. I never noticed how far I had slipped from being myself till I had been out of it for a few weeks. I had lost my sass... because he couldn't handle it. I stopped riding.... because he didn't like horses. I had given up some friendships.... because he didn't care for them. God showed me that the sass... the love of horses... those friends were the way He made me.... the people He put in my life. Giving up those things were wrong. I can't change who I am for some boy. It might be ok for awhile but as the years went by I'd be miserable.
Thankfully I didn't end up marrying that boy. Thankfully God not only knows what is better for me but also sees to it that I go in the right direction. So here I am today... determined to be who He made me to be, sass and all. I'm going to walk in His ways and worry only about His glory... trusting that someday that boy will find me and meet me where I am at. All I have to do is focus on seeking His face and He'll take care of all the details.
On that note I shall turn the post over to my fav country boy Mr. George Strait and his wonderful song, "How 'bout them cowgirls"
Boy, she don't need you and she don't need me
She can do just fine on her own two feet
But she wants a man who wants her to be herself
And she'll never change, don't know how to hide
Her stubborn will or her fightin' side
But you treat her right and she'll love you like no one else
