Do not grow weary

Those are the words that come out as I listen to her. She is a fresh graduate, so much going for her but a past that tries so hard to hold her back. This transition is hard enough without bleeding wounds, my mind can't fathom being so young and so scarred. My heart is heavy as my ears take in the hurt from her voice, and my eyes see the longing just to be free from the past.

It hurts to see one so young struggle so hard yet I know that God heals and that He uses those hurts to grow us stronger and to help those in need. Yet it never gets easier to listen to the hurt, to the pain... to see how crafty the enemy is at making lies sound like truth and how he loves to beat those that are fallen.

Why do we believe when he tells us that God won't forgive us again... and that this time, we've messed up so bad there's no going back.

I read this blog (forgive me for not bookmarking it, I wish I remember where I read it as I has stuck with me all week), and the story the author wrote was just what I needed to hear and just what I needed to share.

It was the story of the prodigal son.... you know the one. That son who grabbed up his inheritance early then squandered it on worthless junk that soon was gone and ended up eating with pigs. We all know how it ends too.... with the father welcoming him home with open arms, no questions about where he had been or what he spent his inheritance on.... the father was simple glad he was home and safe.

But what happened next? What about the next morning when the son got up? How did the father treat him then? Had the son learned his lesson?

From my own experience, what happens is that the son hangs around for a few days/weeks trying to figure out how to earn back the Father's love. It doesn't take long to realize that he will never earn it and so away he runs.... and the Father? Well the Father once again takes up residence at the top of the hill constantly looking out for the lost son to once again come home. And when he does, he greets him the same way.... ever.single.time.

I told her that story... and realizing that I myself needed the words just as much as her. Life is hard.... we grow weary, we mess up, we throw tantrums and God keeps forgiving. All He expects from us is to get back up and take the next step... to do the next right thing.

Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up.

Galatians 6:8

"Dark is the Holiest place"

That quote from Ann's book keeps consuming my mind. It fills my thoughts. Makes me think hard, possible because Friday is coming.

Friday.... a day we set aside to remember.... because we forget.

We forget that Friday, a day we call Good Friday, wasn't really a "good" day. I would rather think of it as "dark" Friday. Because that is really the only way to describe it.

The very people He came to save rejected Him.

The men He spent so much time with abandoned Him, and one even went as far as to betray Him.

He was dragged to court in the dead of night and wrongly accused.

The morning of that dark Friday He stood before a crowd.... a crowd made up of people who at that very moment were in the midst of one their most sacred religious festivals. Passover, a period of 7 days in which the Jews were supposed to remember where they came from, and to dwell in the hope that was to come. A time to remember slavery... to remember living in darkness and to remember being brought out of the darkness. A time to remember that one day their Messiah would come to save them from eternal darkness.

And yet there He was, standing right in front of their very eyes and yet they forgot.....

So He stood there, looking into the crowd, into the very eyes which He came to set free. His ears took in their hate filled cries, yet He never looked back. No matter what they said.... no matter what they did He still loved them..... He still wanted to offer them grace... saving grace.

It only got worse.... He was dragged off and beaten, like a lamb led to be slaughtered. His body was torn and His blood ran. He suffered through the humiliation, and made the lonely walk to the top of the hill where He would breathe His last. Then men picked up hammers and began to nail His hands, the very hands that created them, to a tree.

Then the dreadful moment came upon Him.... that moment when the sins of the world... my sins... your sins..... where laid on His back. The Father had to turn His face from the Son. Forsaken by the Father, the ultimate darkness. And for a brief moment it appeared that evil had won.

Darkness......

The day, it was dark, but oh how Holy it was. And as I think on that dark Friday that quote fills my thoughts and yes, I see it. The words slowly begin to make sense. It was dark that day..... the darkest this world has ever experienced. But oh how Holy it was.... maybe even the Holiest of days.... because the Son, the Lamb of God had finally done what He had came to do.... be the perfect sacrifice.

He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. 

John 1:10-14

"God and I, we've long had trust issues."

That is the first line of chapter 8.... and suddenly I can't breathe. It's only eight words long yet it makes my heart stop. Oh Ann, really, you too? I thought I was alone.... I thought that most "christians" didn't: long have trust issues. Sure I know everyone struggles to trust at times... but to long have trust issues, I thought, maybe, I was alone. That is my life, summed up in eight simple words. "God and I, we've long had trust issues."

And then I close the book, place it on the nightstand, and turn off the light. Nope.... just not going to go there Ann.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling.... I kind of want to know what Ann says about it... kind of.

Sleep never comes, might as well read.

In the New Testament the word pisteuo is found two hundred and twenty times. We usually see this word translated in to belief. However Ann's research says it literally means "to put one's faith in; to trust."

Hmmm..... not so sure I like where this is going. I tend to wrinkle my nose up to that "T" word.... apparently Ann does too... because she says so just a few sentences later. Yet she is braver then I and proposes the question, one I would never have the courage to ask.

"Without trust in the good news of Jesus, without trust in the good news of God's saving work even in this moment, without an active, moment-by-moment trust in the good news of all-sovereign, all-good God, how can we claim to fully believe?"

I know... have known this truth, yet it's one of those things that I struggle to push from the "knowing of the head to the bleeding of the heart." It's not a new truth, one I know and often fail to remember. Ann names it, and it's not a pretty name and the name of it in one way shocks me, yet really doesn't, after all it makes complete sense.

"If authentic, saving belief is the act of trusting, them to choose stress is an act of disbelief.... atheism.
Anything less then gratitude and trust is practical atheism."

 Because the lack of faith isn't necessarily an intellectual disbelief in God's existence as much as it is a distrust that there is a good God. But if I don't emotionally believe and trust in the goodness of God, do I truly believe? Doesn't a believer have to trust? And isn't trust a day-to-day action, not a one-time event?

Sunday comes and it's the first Sunday of the month, the week my church sets aside to remember. To break the bread and drink the blood in remembrance of Him. Because He says to. And we give thanks and remember the sacrifice, the sacrifice that was made so that we could fully live. Do we fully grasped what it means to fully live? Do we understand this faith we claim to live by? Do we even care to find out?

We live in a world that appears to beg for tolerance, yet really what they want is something that is real. Too many times I see Christianity described as just another one of the world's religions, and so many.... too many live their life as if it were. Far too often we forget... I forget.... that the reason why our God is different is because He is real..... and He seeks relationships. I recently read, and I wish I remember where, that we serve a BIG God, but not too big because He cares for every little sparrow, every little circumstance, every single person. The God we serve isn't interest is religion, He is interested in you.... and in me. Faith isn't just knowledge in a Holy, supreme and sovereign God. Faith is an action, one that requires trust, and that seeks for joy in every situation, in every single second of the day.

"This is what faith really is:

believing, not with the head or the lips or out of habit,

but believing with one's whole life.

It means seeking community with...

Christ in every situation in life..."

~Jurgen Moltmann

We don't get to chose what area of our life we give to Him and what area we get to keep. When we truly believe.... trust.... in Him then we give it all up. Oh how we forget that God isn't some far off being who sits high on His throne, unapproachable, and without a care as to what we do. He is approachable, He is near, He is attentive to His children. Yet He is King over all and He is Sovereign and no, I don't quite understand how a God so powerful, so mighty, so Holy can be so near, and so attentive, and have time for lowly little me. And I guess that's why I forget because I believe the lie that He doesn't have time to fulfill His promises, that He doesn't want to hear my little requests. The truth is that He is not satisfied when I settle to just know of Him, He wants me to know Him. To personally, know, to personally walk with Him. 

 “God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.”

 ~Ernest Boyer, Jr.

 And knowing God is the only way to fully live, but knowing God requires trusting Him. Ann says, "It's only when you live the prayer of thanksgiving that you live the power of trusting God." Once again we are led back to eucharisteo. Because it is because of the grace (charis) that we get the chance to live, and only through giving thanks (eucharisteo) can we receive joy (chara). And isn't that what we really want? A joy filled life is the only way to fully live, and joy isn't an emotion, it's a way of life. We can find joy in the dark, we can find it in the sadness... in the pain.... and in ever other circumstance because the sovereign God we serve is in control and all things work out for those who love Him (Ro 8:28).

#635-649

New friends

Late talks, all about Him

Encouragement from the new friends

Sweet memories made with precious children

Sunshine

New flowers

Thunderstorms

Baking bread with a friend

The smell of fresh baked bread

Watching children enjoy the fresh bread

Teaching a lesson on remembering

Unleaven bread, a prefect picture of our need for remembrance

A Father who is willing to remind us, over and over again

A Father who never forgets

For the blood that saves

* I wrote about chapter 7 here
* All unmarked quotes come from chapter 8 of Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

A year of realizations, revelations, and reminders

As the year draws to a close I think back to how the year began. I began this blog with a letter I had written to and for myself. It was written because I needed it to be recorded, because I needed to remember.

That is what I love most about writing here. It's a place to come and write down the things that need... must be remembered.

As I think back over this year I see a constant struggle. Months where I completely trusted Him with no hesitation. Then there were months I didn't even search for His voice. Over the last few months I finally recognized this and searched for reasons why.

I think I found it.

Words have not yet been formed into sentences for me to write on this reason but I think that is because I still do not know the depth of it.

I recently took some time to reread that letter I had written this time last year. Lots of memories came flowing in, memories of pain, confusion, and loneliness. The way I learned so many of those lessons are very vivid in my memory and it took me a little while to get through it.

The past year has been very different from the previous one. It has been the year of realizations, revelations, and reminders. Throughout the year I have seen very little growth and for a while I felt guilty about this, then I realized that what the Lord has been doing is pruning. He has been cutting here and cutting there the things in my life that have...  that are slowing me down.

First I realized that the whole thing about God doing His best in you when are at the end of yourself is true, however you must empty yourself of yourself daily. Being empty is not a one time process, and it is amazing how quickly I am at filling up on myself.

I realized that last year was a year full of lessons on grace, and so was this year.

He revealed to me that while  last year I did a good job listening to this advice: you can ask God why... just don't get stuck there; however this year I got stuck.... a lot.... a WHOLE lot.

I realized that I still struggle with what it means to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. Day after day, night after night, He encourages me, sends His words to surround me, and yet I still have days when I feel unable, alone, and weak.

He revealed to me that I still have problems with the word trust.

I realized that I need Him more than I realize.

I remembered that I am forgiven.

I remembered that grace came free of charge, no strings attached, and on the house. Although I failed to give it that way enough.

He revealed that grace is one of those things that will take a lifetime to grasp... not just a year.

He revealed to me that writing is good for the soul.

I realized that giving thanks will change the way you see Him.

I once again remembered that He is faithful even though I am not.

And I realized just how blessed I am to be apart of this bloggy world that is full of amazing, faith-filled people like you that He uses to encourage and strengthen my faith.

Apples and Spaghetti

Sometimes life doesn't go the way we plan on it going.

Sometimes His plans and my plans are like apples and spaghetti.

Sometimes I don't like His plans.... and sometimes I have the audacity to tell Him so.

That's what I did the other night. On the long drive home, I tuned out the child in the back telling stories to her stuffed dog, and had a long talk with my Maker.

So many thoughts running through my head... so many things going on in my life..... so many paths that can be taken.

He says, "I want you to walk this way".... I say, "I want to walk that way."

He says, "if you will go my way... willingly and obediently then you will eat the best of the land."

I say.... "how about I take this road and eat the second best of the land??"

That was the wrong thing to say.

I feel His anger... or maybe its more like disappointment.

Really... really?? "You would settle for the second best when I'm willing to give you the best???" He firmly asks.

Have you've ever been there?? So uncomfortable with the path that has been laid before you that you shake your head no. It looks so different.... maybe even scary... that you cling to this other idea and stop in your tracks unwilling to move forward.

He's been so patient with me these last few months as I've struggles and wrestled with His plans. Last night I knew that the time for patience was over.

Like a father who firmly puts his foot down and says enough. The Father says, "No, this is not an okay thing to ask. You cannot settle. I care too much for you to let you settle for anything less then the best. I'm sorry that you don't like it, I'm sorry that it's not what you had in mind. But enough of this fighting. I've told you what I expect, where I want you to go. I'm done with your rebellion. It's time to step up and take my hand. You know that I am always here, that I will be there every step of the way. Trust me my child."

Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

I sat there and let His words sink in. I don't like them. I don't like what He is asking me to do... I'm not exactly thrilled about the direction He is asking me to go.

You see, this path... the one He wants me on.... is lonely.I know it is because He has told me so. That, I'm pretty sure is the reason that I fight so hard.

I kept asking.... begging for a different way, The answer last night was a very clear, no.

The only choice now is to step up and walk forward. Something I've learned in my short time here on this earth is that sometimes the only thing you can do is the next right thing. If I wait on a willingly attitude then I might never move. However if I take that first step... become obedient then He rewards that. The willing and joyful attitude will follow. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next week, but I must keep stepping forward one foot at a time.

There's a large mountain ahead of me and the journey looks treacherous and impossible. But I know that with Him all things are possible and that no path is too treacherous with Him by my side.

Brokenness

Brokenness.

Ever been there?

It's necessary this side of heaven.

It is not enjoyable, but the fruit that it bears is so much sweeter.

Brokenness allows walls to come done. It brings healing... it brings joy... and strengthens faith.

Brokenness deepens the bond between Creator and created

It must happen as the created often fails to realize the depth of their own depravity. However, that is why there is grace. Without it there is no hope... no salvation... only death.

Grace is what allows wounds to heal. Grace is what allows a wretched, created vessel like myself to run straight into His arms, even after running far away from Him for so long.

It's always there... always free. Waiting on me to come get it. I can do nothing to earn it.You can do nothing to earn it. It is free. Given to those who He loves.

For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.

Ephesians 1:5-6

The beauty of grace

Okay, so as you know from reading some of my previous posts, I have been just a tad bit rebellious..... okay.... maybe really rebellious. My "big sis" won't let me continue, which is a good thing but kinda annoying. My attitude totally reflects my rebellion so needless to say it's been a bit ugly. Sorry to all of you who have to endure my presence as of late. I promise I'm working on it.

So Sunday I made the decision to change my attitude and I won't lie it's been tough. When Paul writes to the Romans about the evil I do not want to do- I keep on doing, I know exactly what he is talking about. Sunday night after I left "big sis's" house where I received a major butt chewing because of my attitude I came home and checked my e-mail. There was a comment on my blog from my favorite blogger Ann@HolyExperience.

Even when I quit.... He's still working.

I was shocked and in awe. It was the last straw and the tears started to fall. I gave up the fight and just laid at His feet with a heart full of shame and longing for His grace to wash over me. He didn't even hesitate. He is always giving out grace, free of charge... on the house... and with no strings attached. And to receive it all I have to do is ask.

I asked.

He gave.

Once again the Almighty wraps me in His arms. He holds me while I cry and reassures His love for me. He knows the battle is hard, He knows my weary heart. He gently reminds me that here in His arms is the only way to make it through the storm. 

I picked myself up, dried the tears and whispered a thank you to my Father. I'm back where I belong. I'm not letting the rain drag me down anymore. I'm letting it wash over me, letting His grace cover me. Drinking in all that I can, allowing Him to renew my spirit. Ans slowly the Son starts to shine through again. Peaking through the dark clouds, rays beaming through the rain, revealing the beauty of grace.

Grace only through weakness

I witness a miracle yesterday(:

One of my very dear friends gave birth to a BIG 12lb boy... he has already been nicknamed Big Ben... lol. I have already experienced what it feels like to love a newborn. I remember very clearly holding Krista's youngest Brityn for the first time and also my nephew Ryan. Both times I was overwhelmed by the amount of love that I felt for them. Yesterday the same thing happened. As I looked at him through the window of the nursery my heart was bursting with love and joy for this sweet new life. I am so excited to be a part of his life and look forward to how God uses him to change the world(:

I got to spend some time with my girls yesterday(: Love, love, love the amazing friends that God has blessed me with. They are so encouraging and I love how God-centered these relationships have become. A few things stuck with me from those conversations and then today I read this:

By grace is the weak made strong, after he becomes conscious of his weakness.

St. Augustine

Only after acknowledging where we fail can we be made strong. We MUST seek out those things in our lives that keep us from growing.

Acknowledging where we are weak... where we fail, is hard. It hurts, there are tears, sometimes anger, other times shame. It is never easy... yet so very necessary. 

He is the potter, I am the clay. Forever in His hands, He molds me, making me into something beautiful, not a clue what it'll be. Sometimes He has to scrape off a piece, other times a whole bunch must come off. It's painful and I don't like it. However, if He doesn't refine me then in the firing I will crack. I don't want to crack so I allow Him to trim here and trim there. I follow Him as He slowly crafts me into His masterpiece.

The beauty in discovering my weakness is that His grace abounds. 

When I fully acknowledge the ugliness of my sin, only then can I see the full beauty of His grace.