Friday, December 28, 2012

My "end of the year" post

This year has completely flown by. When the year began I had just started a new job and was a little skeptical of this "career" path The Lord had placed me on. I survived my first tax season and settled into a summer of busyness.

Summer flew by and I somehow ended up in a country that if you had told me back in January I was going to visit I would have laughed at you.

Now here am at the end of the year and all can think about it returning to that beautiful country full of amazing people who yearn to know God more.

I have no clue what this year will bring. The older I get the more I realize that what I think will happen most likely will not. After all I am not in the driver seat and I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

I do know that as of today I am planning a trip back to Africa.... Hopefully this time for several months and to a couple of different countries. The Lord may never have me move there but let me tell you that it is what I want to do and if He does call I will be ready.

The teens that I am working with at my church want to go and I will do whatever It takes to get them there. I cant begin to describe to you just how much a trip to this country will change you, it shows you a side of our Father that you can't possibly see here in America. We have several HUGE fundraisers in the works and I have no clue how they will happen as tax season is about to descend upon me and I will have no time but I do know that this is what I am supposed to be doing so somehow The Lord will give me the strength and the people to make it l happen.

I am amazed at what The Lord has done to my heart in the last few months. I am also amazed at how quickly He can change the desires of my heart. As I look over the path my life has taken in the last few years I can so see the Masters hand in every bit of it. The turns I took that at the time made no sense make sense now, or at least of few of them do:) what an awesome example and reminder that The Lord truly does work for good the plans of those that love Him.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Broken to make us whole

Brokenness... not really something that anyone can honesty say that the enjoy.

I usually love this time of the year, but honestly this year its been hard.

My heart is broken... broken because of the things that I have seen, broken because of the lessons that I have learned.

He broke me on that short trip I recently took to a country far, far away. He broke me when I came home and He broke me last week while driving home and He keeps on chipping away.

He pokes and prods at my heart and refuses to let my heart forget what my eyes have seen.

I gather with believers and sing beautiful words and break the bread in humble thanksgiving to the One who does the the breaking of hearts.

I struggle with the brokenness but as I sing and as I break the bread how can I run from this?

He came knowing that in the end He would be broken..... a humble little baby entered this world for one purpose..... to be broken.... to be broken so that we may be whole.

Without the breaking... without the blood..... there is no need for a manger.

 And oh how thankful I am for the manger. For the little baby born so that He might grow up strong to die broken on a bloody cross so that I could be made whole.

Monday, October 22, 2012

A trip to Africa

It was just a few weeks ago..... yet it feels like it was just yesterday that I sat on dirty floors and held the hands of those that had runny noses, dirty feet, and hungry tummy's.

I watched as little girls, still babies themselves, took care of their baby siblings.

I felt the warmth of their hands as they linked their fingers in mine, and as they clung to my arms as I held them.

I remember the tears that flowed that night when so many gave their life to a Savior who cares for them.

I see those sweet faces that eyes lit up as they heard the story, for the first time, about a little shepherd boy who trusted in a big God and defeated a giant that everyone else was afraid of.

I laughed and sang songs with a village of people who had so little.... so little to give yet they gave all they had to a bunch of white people who experienced humbleness in a way that Christ meant for us to experience humbleness.

I met a man.... 92 years and wiser then anyone I know..... Jesus loves me.... the one truth that surpasses all others..... tears in his eyes every single time he said the words.

I came home..... and I've struggled because all I want to do is go back.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Do you remember when you last hit your breaking point?

That hopeless feeling that you can't make it another step without totally falling apart.

When you think your being strong and a picture, the one your walked by a thousand times, it hits to smack in the face and you feel walls crack and water trying to bust through. You take a deep breath and try to swallow the tears but the ten thousand other things that have you worried come to mind and you have to grab the back of a chair to keep from doubling over.

 I know you remember.... how do you forget moments when you feel completely alone in the world, strength all gone, and no one there to step in and save the day?

It's that moment when all you want is to here His voice.... but all you hear is silance.

 The turmoil it causes because your emotions say He's not there but your head knows He is but how do make your emotions line up with your head.

And you find yourself in the place you fear most, unable to move, unable to hold back the tears.

 Then I stare down and find the words recently engraved on my foot.... the ones I fight so hard to ignore but it doesn't come easy.

But when did He promise it would ever be easy.... when did He promise a life without pain and suffering?

His words are simple TRUST. Trust in the Lord.... I see it every day, multiple times a day and still I struggle.

Trust in Me and I will direct your path. What better promise could we get?

Friday, February 17, 2012


Ever have that feeling creep up inside... you know.... that feeling of anger towards towards a person you love?

Yet when you dig deep... really deep, you find that it's not really anger you feel?

It's actually a brokenness that has overtaken your heart and to avoid the real feelings of betrayal and loneliness and heartache you turn it into anger so you can hide from the real issue and pretend the hurt doesn't exist.

And what happens when that person your "mad" at, the one who you feel has betrayed you and left you alone..... what if those feelings are towards the very One who created you? The One who is always faithful, always loving, and always holy.

And then you write it down so others can see it but then you erase and rewrite only to erase again.... because those feelings must be wrong....


But then again, if I really stop and think about it....

Maybe He's ok with how I feel.

Maybe it's a part of His plan.

Because it's at night that those true feelings come out and by then it's dark and I'm alone and the only one around is the Almighty and I've learned that He is more then willing to listen to my rants and to wipe away the tears, and He is plenty big enough to handle my clinched fists as I fight, practically beg to be let go.

Yet He never does.

He holds on and He listens and He fights for me when I don't think anyone is.

Because He is faithful and He does love me and to Him I am worth fighting for.

Yet I still struggle and I still fight against Him because those feelings are deep and their are wounds I won't let Him heal and they grow raw and they bleed yet I fight to keep them open because to heal they must first be reopened and cleansed.... and that sounds far too painful.

Yet He is patient.... and He will wait.

Still holding tight, He will let me beat against His chest as He draws me close and with tears running down He will whisper He loves me and eventually I grow weary and collapse in His embrace and rest in His peace.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Sometimes I read His words and nothing hits the soul.... other times it leaves me gasping for air.

ever been there.....
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O Lord, endures forever - do not abandon the works of Your hands.
Psalm 138:8

Sure that first part is clearly what I needed tonight after a tearful drive home, yet its the last part that once again causes the tears to fall.... that a man such as David could have ever felt abandoned. And why would one feel the need to remind the Almighty not to abandon him right after declaring His faithfulness and His love??

Could it be that I'm not alone in this wondering if perhaps, I  have been forgotten?

Maybe it's slightly normal to feel alone in this world.

It's the way he ends the psalm... no continuation of the faithful works of the One who's love knows no end.

Did he cry out in a loud voice "The Lord WILL fulfill His purpose for me!" and then quietly whisper, "do not abandon the works of Your hands."

I know I do. Because as much as I want to believe in the power of His promise there is that hint of doubt that often grips the heart. As if He needs to be reminded of that which He created.

It's quite silly to sit and think about yet I imagine each and everyone of us has felt just like that man, who happened to be a king and a heart that desperately sought after the Lord.

Maybe its the stress of the new job, maybe its the realization of loss of friendships as I once new them, or maybe its just the way He is preparing for what is ahead..... whatever it is I find myself praying this very verse. I know His plans, I know they are great, I know You are faithful and loving and true... but please don't abandon me. Don't leave me here in this vast wasteland that seems to have no end.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year=New Beginnings.... right???

Well another year has passed and a new one begins. 2011 is officially over and as I look in the review mirror I see some pretty cool things and then some not-so-cool things. One of those not-so-cool things is the amount of time, or lack of time, I have spent here. In 2010 I dove into this whole blogging thing and fell in love, then somewhere in the beginning of 2011 I failed miserably at finding time to sit and write. Part of it could be that I lost my job and then got bombarded with many part-time jobs and then landed an actual real-has-a-salary-five-days-a-week job that has radically changed my life.

If you would of told me at the beginning of 2011 that I would be where I am right now I'm pretty sure I would have laughed at you. Here I am about to turn 26, a seminary grad, one who never really desired a career, and I now work in accounting/taxes and love it. I never would of chosen this path for myself, never saw it coming, and I am quite amused at just how much I really enjoy it.

It's still not easy. I still have days when I wish life could of gone the way I always dreamed it would have. I still long to be a wife, and a mom. Loneliness is still one of my deepest and hardest struggles and I still struggle to trust Him. In fact some days I feel as though I push myself into my job so that I can ignore all those yucky feelings.

Some of the struggles are just growing pains, as I sit here and write this post my heart longs to be sitting in the Georgia dome with tend of thousands of other young people signing praises and lifting my hands to glorify Him... but I can't. My job requires me to be here this time of the year. I have responsibilities that tie me down and in able me to pack up and leave for a week. And Sunday as my brother left to head to Atlanta is was all I could to do to stay put, to control the wild child in me that loves to be free and spontaneous. It's hard to imagine Him wanting me to stay here instead of going. But the truth is.... I am right where He wants me. There is no place better for me to be then right here where I am called to be. But it does stink... and I once again let out a sigh and announce to the dogs (as if they care) that being an adult really sucks sometimes (actually alot of times).

But it is a new year and there are new beginnings and new adventures ahead. And while the next few months may be the most stressful months I've ever had (I hear lots of horror stories about working tax season) I will make the most of this year and pray for the strength to follow His lead, where ever that may be, and hopefully find time to write here a bit more then last year:)