Saturday, November 27, 2010

The struggle with-in

It's been well over a week since I have ventured here to share my thoughts... my heart.

To be very honest with you I have stayed far away from this place... and it's not for lack of writing material.

I started writing here for myself.... as a way to record those things that He teaches me. A place that I could go back and read for myself what I have learned.... what I should of remembered.... and maybe share a few things with a few close friends.

But the God I serve once again shows me that it is never about me... and always about Him. One thing I have learned in the short time I have been blogging is that God uses the broken, the humble, the ones who feel so unworthy. He uses them in ways that make them uncomfortable.

I can't even begin to express my gratitude for the sweet words that so many of you leave for me to see.

I am once again left amazed at how He works.... after all none of you know the heart struggle I have. But He does, and He sends words of encouragement when I need it the most. 

You see there is a monstrous struggle going on inside of me. A tug-a-war of sorts between my flesh and my spirit. It slowly wears me down.

Another day goes by and as it draws to a close I head for bed. I turn to close the door and stop.... there right in front of me is a door covered in words.... words given to me from Him.

As I read the many verses my mind wanders back to the moments that each were written... each one holds a special meaning, all written down in moments when I thought I was lost beyond hope, moments when I felt no peace. Words of encouragement from the only One who can speak to the depths of my soul.

My eyes land on one, I close my eyes and let it sink in.
For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." 
Deuteronomy 20:4

I do not fight this battle alone...

And according to this, losing is not an option.

Oh how wonderful and marvelous our Father is. He who is faithful to fight for us even when we prove to be unfaithful to Him.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I will give thanks

The days have been dreary. The days have been gloomy.

Not suffocatingly dark.... but not breathtakingly bright.

I feel like He is distant... but i know it is I that is distant. 

Why is it that when I become gloomy that I blame Him?

When I finally let it go.... when I finally come to lay it at His feet feet... to figure a way out of the shadows, He says to give thanks.

Give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18


I am thankful for my home... my roommate.... my job.... my co-workers... enough to pay my bills and a few extras.


I am thankful for my singleness which gives me time to serve others.... take spontaneous trips... finish school.... ride my horses... and random sleepovers with precious children.

I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness; I will sing praises of the the name of the Lord Most High.
Psalm 7:17


I am thankful for my church... for the chance to love on some kids... for the blessing that those children are to me..... for my fellow AWANA leaders and our pursuit to spur those kids on in memorizing scripture and drawing closer to Him.... for a family that knows what love is.... for a place to worship with fellow believers.... for a feast on the Word each and every Sunday.

I will give thanks to You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonderful deeds.
Psalm 9:1


I am thankful that I am His..... that I get to tell of His wonderful deeds... for living in a country that offers the freedom to speak of Him.

Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.
Psalm 106:1


I am thankful for His love... for His grace... for His mercy, and that they are free and that they will last forever.

I will give You thanks, for You answered me; You have become my salvation.
Psalm 118:21


I am thankful for salvation.... for sacrifice.... and for His loyalty. I am thankful for a God who not only listens to my prayers but answers them. I am thankful that He answers them according to His will..... not mine.

I count aloud the things that He has blessed me with and slowly the clouds break and the sun peeks through.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Truths to remember

Days go by and struggles come,
sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. 
The flesh in me wants to do wrong, 
the Spirit says to do right.
I want to do right. I don't always succeed.

The problem is no matter how hard I try to justify it,
wrong is never right, and truth never lies.

I wrestle with my flesh, I want His peace.
I forget that peace never fights.
When will I learn to sit still in His peace
and let Him do the fighting.

I yearn for brokenness, 
and it comes in the form of tears.
The trouble is that tears, they dry.
I search for ways to earn my way back to Him, 
yet I somehow forget,
  that His grace is always free.

I am convinced that I have to earn His love,
and that it runs out.
But I don't, and it doesn't.
The beauty of my Savior is
that His love is free
and it never runs dry.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Scripture tells us to come before Him... to kneel before His throne and declare that He is God.

But I am wretched, a fractured human torn into a thousands pieces. And those pieces are distracting. I want to be put back together... but first I have to let go.

Which means I have to go back.... and think of those regrets, of those unwise choices.

Scripture says....
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:12
We must let it be true in us.... for us.

Scripture also tells us that we can never flee from His presence.

A comforting... yet daunting truth.

It means that He is there in those hiding places. The dark ones we sneak off to when we think no one is watching. Those places we go to feed..... pacify our addictions and pains.

He is there... always there.... always watching.

He says to us...

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
When we take on His yoke, we leave behind 

our worries
all our doubts
concerns about the future
the distress we carry within
the things that cause us pain
and everything that keeps us up at night

Then we find that His yoke is


 Then I can be still.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The more I seek

Lying in bed talking to my Maker..... thinking....

The year is almost gone which means a birthday is soon to follow. Not just any birthday.... that one birthday. The one which I had set some goals for.... my goals.... my plans.... not His.

A conversation with my sister stirs in me feelings I have not felt in quite awhile. She didn't mean to hurt me, her words were in no way unkind. Words spoken to me by many people and all who have my best interests at heart. It's not their fault they hurt.

In some ways I think they must hurt. After all....
When I set up my own plans without asking Him the consequences are almost always painful.
That struggle with loneliness creeps back in and seeks to set up camp. 

I let it. 

I spend the next few days dwelling there... asking Him why. But I know why.... It's that topic of reckless abandonment that I wrote on just recently. He wants everything.... all my desires... all my hopes.... all my dreams. He wants me to yearn for Him like I yearn for that family I so desperately want.

I ask for His comfort... for His peace... for a stronger faith.

But I don't look for it.

I read a friends blog and it makes me stop and think. How often I miss Him. And then I think about all the things I have missed. He did answer my prayer, it was I who did not seek Him. It is I who stopped looking. 

I have a sweet puppy who sits on the couch with me while I watch a movie... his head on my lap soaking up every moment with his favorite person. Every morning he is happy to see me.... he spends his whole day looking for me, waiting for that moment that I walk through the door and pet him.

I have time to spend in the saddle.... to take a trailride and soak in His beauty.

I have time to sneak over to the nephew's house, watch a movie, tickle his toes, and read him stories.

I have a little girl in my Awana's group who thinks of me all week long... and gives me a mountain of pictures drawn by her every Wednesday night.

Then just last night a question asked to a crowd of kids about people they are thankful for gets one to stand up and thank his Sunday school teacher.... just a sentence.. but one that warmed my heart in a way he will never know.

In simple yet profound ways He tells me that the more I seek Him the more I will find Him... but I must seek... and search.... and look for Him in every situation.

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. 
Deuteronomy 4:29

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

O How He Loves me so

It's Sunday morning and a visit to a different church while visiting my brother speaks louder to my heart then any other service I have been too as of late. It wasn't a profound sermon preached, nor was it some new song that was sung.

It was in fact just a brief moment, during a song that is a favorite... sung many times before. The words are fairly simple....o how He loves me... sung over and over. Then the sentence is changed... o how I love you....

I start to sing the words but nothing comes out. I sang the words o how He loves me with ease. I know He loves me, He tells me so all the time. Never a question is the Father's love for His daughter... His chosen one... His beautiful bride.

But the words o how I love you... should they even be sung?

Do I love Him in even a fraction of the way He loves me?

Should I sing about my love for Him right after I sing about His love for me?

O how He loves me....

O how I love Him.....

It seems as though those two sentences are as different as night and day.

I think about the way He loves me, how it never wavers, how undeserving of it I am. Then I think about the way I love Him and I want to shrink into a dark hole. My love for Him is never consistent. He is as deserving of love as you can get, yet the One who is loved the least.

The song is over just as quickly as it began and I sit down for the rest of the service. The moment lingers... I spend the morning.... day... week.... month... pondering on those two sentences.

A song sung this week at my church brings tears to my eyes. The love given by a mere man is absolutely nothing compared to that of the love from the Father.

His love is what gives me strength. Without it I would cease to survive. It is what gives me hope. It's everything that my heart cries out for.

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.
I have seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and Your glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. 
I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You. 
On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night. Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. I cling to You; Your right hand upholds me.
 Psalm 63:1-8

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

An update from my crazy busy life

Well my blogger friends life has been crazy!!! The moth of October was sooooo busy. I thought the month had just started and then BAM November's here. You ever have months like that???

Well it is officially my favorite time of the year:-) Fall which leads into winter!! I love all the pretty colors that come with fall and I love cold weather. There really is nothing better then curling up in a comfy chair, snuggled in a blanket, with a cup of hot chocolate or tea or coffee, reading a book or watching a movie.

Just the other morning I went out to feed and saw this

Frost!!!!! Sad news for my flowers.... they won't have their pretty blooms for much longer:-( But with frost comes a whole new type of beauty.

I took this pic of Dutch eating her breakfast and I love how the sun rays sparkle here.

And this is perhaps my fav pic I've taken in awhile.

Does that not take your breathe away?? I Love the color of the sky, the way the sun peaks through the trees and the sparkle of the frost on the blades of grass.

Well October was busy but I'm afraid that November will be even busier!! I have taken on the role of play director/choir director for my church's Christmas program. Never done either before but I'm always up for a challenge and the hard it is the better I like it:-) Of course I don't do anything the easy way nor do I do simple so of course I am rewriting/merging 2 plays together for this program. The play that I was given is great but not nearly enough parts and far too short for the talent that is at my church. I really like my finished product and look forward to seeing how it turns out. We have only 6 practices!!!! The performance date is Dec 19 so as you can imagine I will be busy, busy, busy!!!

I wouldn't do life any other way though.... I like being busy. However, I don't know the last time I ever had a season in life where I wasn't busy so I don't have a clue what sitting around is like.... maybe I would like it, lol.

I am working on some really good stuff but as you can see there is a lot on my plate writing wise so most of my com time has been on the play. Look for some new posts in the next week. God's been putting a few post on my heart and His posts are always better then mine. I can't wait to see how they turn out. I love it when He gives me words to share with others.... I love it when He gives me words period!!!

O how I love this awesome God we serve!!!!