The more I seek

Lying in bed talking to my Maker..... thinking....

The year is almost gone which means a birthday is soon to follow. Not just any birthday.... that one birthday. The one which I had set some goals for.... my goals.... my plans.... not His.

A conversation with my sister stirs in me feelings I have not felt in quite awhile. She didn't mean to hurt me, her words were in no way unkind. Words spoken to me by many people and all who have my best interests at heart. It's not their fault they hurt.

In some ways I think they must hurt. After all....

When I set up my own plans without asking Him the consequences are almost always painful.

That struggle with loneliness creeps back in and seeks to set up camp. 

I let it. 

I spend the next few days dwelling there... asking Him why. But I know why.... It's that topic of reckless abandonment that I wrote on just recently. He wants everything.... all my desires... all my hopes.... all my dreams. He wants me to yearn for Him like I yearn for that family I so desperately want.

I ask for His comfort... for His peace... for a stronger faith.

But I don't look for it.

I read a friends blog and it makes me stop and think. How often I miss Him. And then I think about all the things I have missed. He did answer my prayer, it was I who did not seek Him. It is I who stopped looking. 

I have a sweet puppy who sits on the couch with me while I watch a movie... his head on my lap soaking up every moment with his favorite person. Every morning he is happy to see me.... he spends his whole day looking for me, waiting for that moment that I walk through the door and pet him.

I have time to spend in the saddle.... to take a trailride and soak in His beauty.

I have time to sneak over to the nephew's house, watch a movie, tickle his toes, and read him stories.

I have a little girl in my Awana's group who thinks of me all week long... and gives me a mountain of pictures drawn by her every Wednesday night.

Then just last night a question asked to a crowd of kids about people they are thankful for gets one to stand up and thank his Sunday school teacher.... just a sentence.. but one that warmed my heart in a way he will never know.

In simple yet profound ways He tells me that the more I seek Him the more I will find Him... but I must seek... and search.... and look for Him in every situation.

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. 

Deuteronomy 4:29