Drastic changes part 2

Singleness has been a struggle for me for some years now and last year when I moved to my current house and prayed about training and showing my young horse I very much felt that this was the direction God wanted me to go down.... I am also very certain that going down this path meant that I would be single for a few more years, many tears were shed but I said ok, and I chose to follow Him down this path. I used to pray that God would just take away the desire until He was ready to fulfill it (wish life worked that way) but I don't pray that way any more.... I know better. Instead I pray for the strength to endure and also that He would give me other things to think about.

Well for the past month He has done just that and that particular struggle has been far more manageable. So much that I didn't even realize that I wasn't struggling with it. When it dawned on me last week, I started praying immediately and thanked Him, then I asked the why and how questions (that's the philosopher in me). The past few weeks had been so peaceful. And I think that a large part of it was that I was not spending an enormous amount of time with this group of people. This shocked me as in the past when I have had weeks away from them my walk was usually worse off as these friends are one of the tools that God has always used to keep me on "track" and encourage me. They have very much been a rock for me in the past and so I was very confused.

Of course I prayed and asked for clarity and it came in form of a coffee date with one of those friends. She is so precious to me and I am so thankful for a friend that I can be completely honest with without worries of what she will think. She knows my heart and is a great soundboard: ) So I came to her with this issue and she just listened. She knows how hard the past few months have been and through it all has stuck with me and sought me out when I retreated.

The more I talked about it.... the more I prayed about it..... it made sense. And then I spent time with the group for the first time in a long time and on the way home I knew what He was saying. Change is hard and often uncomfortable but that doesn't mean it is wrong.

You see in our group... and I am only talking in regards to the girls.... there are several single guys in the group but I personally do not see it appropriate to talk about such matters of the heart with the opposite sex (too many dangers there that are not worth taking). In our group of friends that meet together regularly I am the only single person. I used to never really notice it but lately I have. I notice that I really don't fit into the conversations anymore. As we sit around and talk about our week, theirs consist of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, finding little time to sleep, little time to do other things. My week consists of sitting in front of this computer, calling customers about insurance, and running a farm. Their struggles are finding balance between kids and husbands, work schedules and family time. My struggles are dealing with a 5 month old puppy and his chewing stage and trying to decide how best to use my evenings, riding or building fences.

I know that there is nothing wrong with what I do, or how I spend my time but when your friends are talking about the stress of dealing with a toddler, and while a 5 month old puppy and a toddler do have things in common, it doesn't sound good to compare the two. And conversations about horses and dogs seem trivial compared to talks about the difficulties in marriage. And usually the phrase... "You'll understand one day" gets thrown in a time or two, and that frustrates me and I usually end up finding a kid or two to do something with at that point.

And then I read this article Monday morning from incourage and I realized that when I was around them as a group (things are great one-on-one) I put on a mask. I pretend to be ok just sitting on the outside looking in, I smile and nod my head in agreement to their comments (as if I understand what it is like to live with a man). Trust me it's just easier to nod and smile like you do. Realizing this frustrated me because I am not a person who wears a mask often and here I am with people I look to most often and I have a mask on. It makes me take some steps back and really think about things.

While I do not think nor will I cease to be apart of this group of friends I do think that taking a few steps back is the right thing to do. God has been so gracious to put some great people in my path recently that have really encouraged me and they are completely unrelated to this group. I also learned in the past week that a very good friend from early college days has moved back and lives just down the street.... She is a strong believer and loves horses like I do. While she is not single, her husband is deployed leaving her with two small children all by herself. I do not think that this is a coincident at all. I think God is making some changes in my life that are quite drastic and slightly uncomfortable and He is asking me to just hold on. I have no idea what direction that will be and who will be apart of it... for that matter I'm not really sure where I am going with this post either : ) But I know it feels good to write about it and maybe one of you can relate, offer advice, or just needed a laugh.

One thing I know is that life is full of seasons and while they may look different or take us down a path we didn't anticipate God will never leave us to fend for ourselves. He takes care of those He loves and if He leads us down a path you can be certain that it worth going down.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

The perspective of years

On Monday I continued writing on my journey through Ann's book. Chapter 8 is on trusting God and I only got through a portion of the chapter in my last post so consider this Chapter 8 part 2:-)

Towards the end of the chapter Ann makes this statement.

"Sometimes we don't fully see in Christ, because of Christ, through Christ, He does give us all things good - until we have the perspective of years.

In time, years, dust settles.

In memory, ages, God emerges.

Then when we look back, we see God's back."

Then she uses a beautiful illustration from Exodus 33. Moses asks to see God's glory, and this is the response he gets.

"And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.” -Exodus 33:19-21

I have read this story... taught on this story many times, and never have I thought of the cleft God stuck Moses in as a dark place. But Ann catches it, and I read on.... and it catches me off guard because one would think that sticking Moses in a cleft and covering him would be just a minor detail, yet now I see it as the most important detail. It's dark in the cleft.... it's even darker when He places His hand over the cleft. Darkness.... unable to see.... no way to know what is going outside..... that is where Moses was placed. It was only after Moses entered the darkness.... the unknown..... that He was then able to see the glory of God. And Ann has this to say.

"When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand?... In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us, I-beam supporting in earthquake. Then He will remove His hand. Then we will look."

Can it really be true, this idea that "dark is the holiest ground?" The statement is hard, and I want to see it as impossible.... but what about the lesson I taught just a few days ago to those young ones. Did not Jesus experience the darkest possible place that day as He hung on the cross? But isn't it through the darkness of the cross... through the death of an innocent man that God's glory was fully revealed? And suddenly the statement doesn't seem so impossible.

But sometimes we don't see Him in the midst of darkness... sometimes it's so dark and we can't see a thing, that is when we have to trust (there's that word again) that He is faithful and will never leave. Because sometimes we don't see Him till later on down the road, till we take a peck in that rear-view mirror. And As Ann says, "I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long. long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rear-view mirror... maybe sometimes about as far as heaven- that kind of distance."

*I wrote Ch 8 part 1 here.
*All unmarked quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

Always reminding

I write on trust and struggle hard to live what I write. The practice isn't easy and a life long with patterns of distrust is hard to change. One day is easier then the previous and yet the next is harder then before. It comes and goes... this nailing of new habits. Some days I wake up, hammer in hand and ready to pound. Other days I wake and I don't even look at the hammer, the old habit looks far too enticing. Sure some days I just forget, while other days I chose to forget. A text from a friend, a verse sent to my inbox.... gentle reminders that I do not fight the battle alone, because He is always there... always reminding.

Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes. 

Psalm 112:6-8

Don't forget

I read a book and write a post about needing to remember His gifts, to remember that He is in control, and to remember that I must come to Him empty. I wrestle with the issue of emptiness because the pouring out is painful. As my flesh pours out I realize how incapable I am, and that my life is not for me to direct. And for a strong-willed, independent, fighter like me,  that reality does not sit well. But this outpouring of flesh must continue.... He will not be satisfied with a half-empty person.

I was directed to this blog, and the quote in the first paragraph was one that I can't help but share.

"There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: Mine!"

-Abraham Kuyper

He is not satisfied with a little... we cannot just say the yes, we must learn to live it. And the word live is not a past action... because it is not good enough that we lived the yes last week. No, we must LIVE the yes. That means day after day we must die to self, pour out the flesh and allow Him to fill every inch of our being. It takes practice and practice isn't easy, but it's the practice that makes the life change.

Later that day my eyes take in another quote on a friends facebook that catches my attention.

 "Over and over again, in order to move forward in his relationship with God, Abraham was called to make a fresh surrender to God. To do so required that he let go, relinquish control, and trust a God he could not see."

Nancy DeMoss

Even Abraham had to practice. But our practice is not in vain. We do not rest in our faith, because we are mere humans who fail over and over again. It is in His faithfulness that we rest. It is the faith of Almighty to which we cling and it will never fail us.

My guess is... after two quotes on the same subject that He is making sure that I don't forget:-)

His promises never fail

It's officially spring in Arkansas but with the rain coupled with cold weather it doesn't quite feel like spring just yet. However it is beginning to look like spring. Small bits of green are forming on the branches and the tulips and daffodils are in full swing.

As I sit inside sipping on fresh coffee I think about how deceiving it looks outside. I can see the pretty tulips, their bright colors filling my porch with beauty, and the green grass starting to form in the yard. It sure does look like spring. But as I found out that morning as I opened the back door to go feed my Romeo, it does not feel like spring. It is cold, and wet, and I quickly went back inside to dig out my warm gloves and a heavy jacket.

Although it is cold and miserable outside I know spring is almost here. Winter is on its way out and I have no doubt that warmer weather will shortly arrive. Spring always follows winter, every time. it never fails.

As I make the long drive to church later that morning I wrestle out loud and He hears. He speaks and I hear. Then later that morning I sit and I listen some more. The message speaks right to my heart. The pastor reads from a book and my dry soul soaks in the much needed water. He then reads a verse that does far more to quench my thirst then pages from a book.

You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.

Joshua 23:14

So even though it still looks like winter spring is on its way. Because He always fulfills His promises, and He has made me many. It is in His faithfulness that I must cling to. He is ALWAYS faithful and His promises never fail. 

Not so unlike an Israelite

I have been studying the Old Testament, partly because it is what I have been teaching to my Sunday school class.... partly because I love the history and the way I can identify with the ones who have walked before.

I read chapter 6 of that book and Ann is honest and silently I am relieved that she is human and that she forgets too. Even the one who wrote the book on it forgets to count and suddenly I realize I'm too hard on myself, expect too much, and essentially set myself up for failure.

"I am a wandering Israelite who sees the flame in the sky above, the pillar, the smoke from the mountain, the earth open up and give way, and still I forget."

How many times do I read those stories and laugh at their stupidity, at how many times they screw up, time and time again they forget that He always comes through. But then I stop and and I think about myself and at how many times I do the same thing. I forget every day, I fail to live the yes, and I live the no, yet I criticize the Israelites for the very thing I am so good at doing myself. They lived under reminders, a cloud during the day and a flame at night, and yet, still, they forgot.

So I keep reading. I read of her chasing the moon and smile because I have my own "chasing the moon experiences." Slowly my mind traces back over those "chasing the moon" experiences and suddenly I feel a smidgen of that desire for Him that has been covered by dark and all of a sudden a spark of light is seen.

"Eucharisteo is everywhere and I want to see eucharisteo everywhere and I want to remember how badly I really want to see it."

And that has been my prayer as of late, that I would remember how badly I want Him, how badly I need Him. That I would want to want Him.

My attention is drawn back to the fact that we live in a sin-cursed world and in sin-cursed bodies that need reminding. And sometimes the only way to remember is to fall.

"Pain is everywhere, and wherever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least, in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is what I want."

And the cycle will be endless, because we are just like the Israelites, and history always repeats itself. That is why we cling to faith because faith is not something that we did but it is something that we live. It's not a thing to put in the past, its a thing to cling to in the present. 

"Faith is not a one-in-the-past action, but faith is always a way of seeing, a seeking for God in everything."

We must look and we must seek because we only find what we are looking for when we seek. And to find Him we cannot seek merely with our eyes, no, to find Him we must seek with all our heart, all our mind, and with all our soul. For it is not enough to just gaze upon Him, we must empty ourselves of all that is meaningless and allow Him to make us whole.

* I wrote about chapter 5 here
* All quotes come from Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts Ch 6

Multitude Monday

A few Mondays have come and gone without a single thanksgiving recorded here. It's a sad thing when I get so wrapped up that I can't even take the time to write down a few of the things that my Creator has done for me.

Because He is faithful even when I am not I will continue to count.....

#448-475

The mercy that is found on the cross

Weekend visit to see baby brother

Hugging baby brother

Watching that little boy grow up into a man

Time with the parents

Phone conversations with a friend who lives away

A football game with my wonderful dad and my sometimes fantastic little brother

Enjoying that enormous Texas stadium

Seeing my "big brother" and "nephew" at that same game

Fellowship with believers who have been walking with Him longer then I have been alive

Sweet homemade gifts from a sweet little one at AWANA'S

Watching God answer prayers that seem to be impossible to fix

Knowing and being reassured that with God ALL things are really possible

Capturing sweet memories with my nephew

Taking time to braid my young horses mane

A trail ride with the old friend

Soaking in God's beauty as I ride through the trees

Cool, crisp, fall mornings

Sweet words whispered from above while in worship to my King

Reassurance from above that I am never really alone

A weekend full of good food and fellowship with people I am just starting to get to know

The blessings that come from taking time to help one who is not yet a believer

Friends who join me in on-your-knees-crying-out-to-the-Lord for a friend who is still blind to His hope

God using that unbeliever to point out the hope that I have and to never underestimate the peace that comes with living every day knowing that He is there and that I have something to live for

His love

His compassion

His mercy

His faithfulness

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; 

Great is Your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

What Faith really is....

"This is what faith really is:

believing, not with the head or the lips or out of habit, but believing with one's whole life. It means seeking community with ....

Christ in every situation in life."

Jurgen Moltmann

#301-323

Friends to stay out late with

A dollar movie

Realizing that summer is almost over and quickly trying to cram as many late nights out we can:-)

Hearing two little girls get overly excited at having some "Kaffer time"

The amazing power of persuasion silly bandz hold

A shopping outing with a "lil sis"

Hearing about my nephew's immense love for horses, he takes after his aunt:-)

Knowing that that horse God has blessed me with for so many years is used to bless others

Teenage girls and all their joy

Enjoying the first preseason game

Gearing up for the start of football season!!

Words from a little girl visiting my SS class that just makes me laugh

The eagerness of some young girls who are soooo excited that I am letting them come help me pack

Going through old boxes full of memories

Laughing with friends about things from the past

The bittersweet feelings of seeing everything going in boxes

Two new daisies blooming

Fun adventures with lil mis embery

Hearing my roommate excited voice as she tells me all the plans she has for us to ride when I move

Planning a fall camping trip

Soaking in His grace

Sweet songs of praise lifted up to Him

Pondering on His greatness, yet His closeness and wondering how a God so big can also be a God so close.

His plans might look different

Graduating from school has many advantages and I must say that I am enjoying the freedom that comes with no homework, no deadlines, no test, and no studying. I definitely miss it. Really, I'm not lying, I really, really miss school.

Recently someone asked me what stood out the most to me during my schooling. The question caught me off guard and I took my time answering. It was a great question. I finally answered her back; the journey. There are some particular classes, and professors that stand and had quite an influence on me, but overall the greatest thing about school has been the journey itself. God has taught me more then I can recall over my six years of school. There have many laughs, tears, heartaches, struggles, and many memories made that will forever have a lasting impact my life. It amazes me how God used those years of schooling to shape me into the person I am today.

The downside to graduating is now everyone asks what I plan on doing now. You see, most everyone who knows me thinks that I went to school to be something, that I went having this big career plan in mind. The truth is I didn't. When I started my college career as a mere freshman I had big plans. It only took a year and a half, plus a few bad grades in math and science for me to realize that this whole career thing was not my thing. God slowly began to weave new desires, new dreams into my life. I changed schools, changed degrees because He told me too. Thus began a new way of life for me. One that centered around HIM and not around ME.

I did have plans after college, then He told me to go to grad school. I thought it sounded crazy... what would I do with that. I see now that it wasn't the degree that mattered... it was the lessons that I would learn while getting the degree that mattered.

And now here I am... degree done.... and no word from Him on what to do next. When I am asked what I plan I doing now I used to stumble with my words.. mumble something about teaching, or going back to school, now I just smile and tell them that I am waiting on His instructions.

If your one of those people who I have said that to... you might think I'm crazy.. or that I'm I sound way to religious. Frankly I'm beyond caring what you think or how you label me. I'm done trying to explain how I know that God is talking to me. I'm done trying to convince people that I'm not using God has an excuse to not get a "real job." What I do with my life has nothing to do with you... it really has nothing to do with me. It's all about Him.

Take a second and really think about that statement. It's not an easy statement to let come out of your mouth. This place that I am at is easily one of the most uncomfortable places and it is also at times quite scary. Letting God direct every step is hard for someone who likes to have control... who struggles to trust... who constantly fights my own fleshly desires.

It makes it even more difficult when people I trust and respect question the path I am taking. As if I have control over what He tells me. Honestly, their questioning makes me mad... it makes me doubt... and sometimes it makes me question whether it is the right path.

These people want the best for me. They wish to see me succeed. I know that their intentions are good. I read this quote this morning from Philip Yancy's book Soul Survivor:

Their parents nagged them about getting a real job and making something of themselves. One of them responded to his mother's concerned prayers over him: "I wonder what Jesus said, listening to her prayers! I felt like writing her back and asking her if Jesus ever held a 'regular job' - or ever 'found Himself.' Jesus, the migrant preacher, who became sop unpopular and disturbing to everyone big and important that He got crucified."

I know that He has great plans for my life... they just might not look like what you... what I had in mind. I do know that His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me, and He will give me hope and a future. But remember this:

His definition of prosper and my definition of prosper are not the same.

His definition of hope and a future is different then your definition of hope and a future.

Just because the place I am at looks different then I expected it to doesn't mean that He has forgotten about me... although I'll admit that it sometimes feels as if He has. I know that is just one of the lies the enemy wants me to believe. He does not leave weary. He reminds me....

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.             Romans 5:1-5

He will not disappoint me.

He will never forsake me.

He will always provide me with grace to stand upon.

 

Lazy not humble

I'm not sure that there has ever been a time in my life when I have learned as much about who God is as I have been here lately. I am so humbled, to think that God finds me worthy enough to learn so much about who He is. I have experienced time in my life when my hunger for Him and His Word was non-existence and that time was a very miserable and wasteful period. Now my hunger is never satisfied. I pray that I stay in this place. For God never ceases to reveal Himself, it is I who stops looking. As long as I keep searching I will hear His voice. His voice is so clear when I am in His will. I find that it is when I step out of His will, that is to follow the plans that I have, when I think that His voice has gone still. That is not so not the case. De 4:29 says that if I seek Him with all my heart and soul then I shall find Him. He never goes away, never leaves me, and He is always speaking to me.

So as I continue on with Mere Christianity I find some things that I do not like, I didn't say disagree but dislike. There is a big difference. Ch 9 was a very convicting chapter for me. As I shared with Paula last night I think that it got to her too. I don't always like the conviction. This particular one I really disliked. The problem was that I agreed with Lewis and that means that something in my life now must change, for I can't ignore when the Spirit speaks to me. He won't put up with that. Sometimes I try to escape conviction by not reading my Bible and not praying. After all if I don't hear it then I don't have to do it right?? How dumb am I?? To think that I can fool the God of the universe. Ha, I'm not always very bright.

I think that is one of the points Lewis was making in the last chapter. I know the cost of following Christ... I desperately want to seek His face, and follow His will. But there is still a part of me that wants what I want. My flesh never gives up.. it constantly seeks to destroy me. Thankfully God is constantly there to.. and He will put my life back on track. It might hurt and it might take awhile, but it will happen. God takes our choice to follow Him seriously and when He says that He will make us holy, He will. We are commanded to be perfect. That is what Christ promises to do... make us perfect. The moment we choose to follow Him is the moment we agree to let Him make us perfect. Lewis puts it this way:

Make no mistake, He says, if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.

He wants us to be perfect.. that is His desire. However He is aware of our humanity and will always pick us up when we fall. He knows that we cannot be perfect relying on our own efforts. We need Him, we must realize that. There is nothing that can keep us from achieving perfection except for our self. Only I can push Him away, you can't push Him out of my life. So its up to me to let Him in, it is my choice to allow Him to guide my life. The plans He has for me are beyond what I can imagine.

That's the lesson I am currently learning. I often sell my self short. Right now I have a job interview set up for a job that I am in awe of even being considered for. So many people have corrected me and told me that I am crazy to think that low of myself. I thought it was humility to think that I was unworthy of such a calling. However Lewis says that is not what it is. When I as a child of Christ, who can do the impossible, think that I am unable to do something I am actually saying that the One who lives in me is unable to do something. You see as I wrote about in my last post, I am no longer myself. That person, those abilities, all those dreams and desires that used to make up who I am are dead. They had to die in order to let Christ in. I am no longer who I thought I was. That person is gone and in its place is the glorious, righteous, almighty God of the Universe. Isn't that AMAZING!!! He lives inside of me. He uses me, a sinful, wretched, unclean person to carry out His plan, His glory!! Can you wrap your mind around that?? I can't. I wish I could, although it most likely be the death of me if I did. This is what Lewis says:

We may be content to remain 'ordinary people': but He is determined to carry out quite a different plan. To shrink back from that plan is not humility: it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it not conceit or megalomania; it is obedience.

So according to Lewis I am lazy and a coward. Ouch!!! By not allowing myself to be who God wants me to be is to limit Him. I am telling Him no. It is in no way humility. I am telling God, 'no thanks, I like it right here where I am.' I have no idea of the greatness that He has in store for me. What I think looks like a palace is really just a cottage compared to what He has in store for me. I don't need to develop confidence in myself, rather I need to remember who it is that lives in me. My confidence should always be in Him and through Him there is nothing that I am not capable of doing.





On another note... Just saw this video trailer for John Piper's newest book A Sweet and Bitter Providence. It looks amazing.... can't wait to get it.