Don't forget

I read a book and write a post about needing to remember His gifts, to remember that He is in control, and to remember that I must come to Him empty. I wrestle with the issue of emptiness because the pouring out is painful. As my flesh pours out I realize how incapable I am, and that my life is not for me to direct. And for a strong-willed, independent, fighter like me,  that reality does not sit well. But this outpouring of flesh must continue.... He will not be satisfied with a half-empty person.

I was directed to this blog, and the quote in the first paragraph was one that I can't help but share.

"There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: Mine!"

-Abraham Kuyper

He is not satisfied with a little... we cannot just say the yes, we must learn to live it. And the word live is not a past action... because it is not good enough that we lived the yes last week. No, we must LIVE the yes. That means day after day we must die to self, pour out the flesh and allow Him to fill every inch of our being. It takes practice and practice isn't easy, but it's the practice that makes the life change.

Later that day my eyes take in another quote on a friends facebook that catches my attention.

 "Over and over again, in order to move forward in his relationship with God, Abraham was called to make a fresh surrender to God. To do so required that he let go, relinquish control, and trust a God he could not see."

Nancy DeMoss

Even Abraham had to practice. But our practice is not in vain. We do not rest in our faith, because we are mere humans who fail over and over again. It is in His faithfulness that we rest. It is the faith of Almighty to which we cling and it will never fail us.

My guess is... after two quotes on the same subject that He is making sure that I don't forget:-)

The hurry leaves us empty

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

J. R. R. Tolkien

The quote that begins chapter 4 brings back to mind a recent conversation with a dear friend who lives far away. Normally we spend days, even weeks playing phone tag and in recent months the times we have caught one another have been for just a few minutes. Why.... because life is busy and I fail time after time to slow down and just live.

But finally the day came when our schedules finally aligned and a few hours were found to truly catch up and oh how good it was for my soul. She is such a dear friend and one whom God knew that I needed in my life. Sometimes we just need a friend who is not connected to our everyday journeys, one who can offer fresh perspective because she doesn't see the day to day. And sometimes it's good to just hear yourself say your thoughts out loud.

We talked about life and about our struggles. And a point was made that mid-twenties is just a weird place to be. She listened and I listened and we both identified with not knowing the future and realizing that what we wanted three years ago wasn't where we were and that there is nothing wrong with that.

Part of the issue is the society we live in.... everyone is always asking about the next season... when do you plan on getting married, when do you plan on having kids, when are you having another kid, when are you going to stop having kids, when are you going to retire, when, when, when.... and it never stops.

We live for what's next.... and we hurry through life and then wonder why we were are left empty.

"Whatever the pace, time will keep it and there's no out running it, only speeding it up and pounding the feet harder; the minutes pound faster too. Race for more and you'll snag on time and leak empty. The longer I keep running, the longer the gash, and I drain, bleed away. 

Hurry always empties a soul."

Ann has figured out the problem.

But she stirs my soul when she reminds that it is God who gives us time, yet it seems we have so little time to give Him.

And why do we hurry?? "Maybe it is the hurt that drives us on? For all our frenzied running seemingly toward something, could it be that we are in fact fleeing - desperate to escape pain that pursues?" And yes maybe, maybe Ann you are right. It makes sense, in a rather illogical way, to escape the hurt we hurry through life so we don't have to face it. But really all we do is exhaust ourselves because running from the pain doesn't make it go away.

Can we slow it down? Ann seems to suggest that we can. She quotes a favorite, a godly woman who writes so beautifully... "Wherever you are, be all there." And the scripture says to give thanks in all things, and Ann suggests that the problem isn't that we don't have enough time but that we don't have enough thanksgiving. Eucharisteo living... joy-filled living.

We can give thanks in all things, because He is in all things and He is all powerful, always in control. And "life is not an emergency. Life is eucharisteo." And the times we think are cause for emergency, for hurry, are actually times to stop, to acknowledge Him. to trust Him.

And that's what this counting thing is all about. It's not just another list to create, not another thing to check off... no it's to change a habit. A habit that has you racing through life, forgetting, missing the beauty that is all around. Missing the One who gives us every second.

#624-634

Sunshine

Tulips bright and colorful

A clean flower bed, ready for planting

A day of dirt digging and soul filling with a best friend

A satisfied feeling after a day of hard work in the sun

Fence building

Tearing away weeds as tall as trees

An empty fence line fully visible

Fields ready for new seed

A chance to catch up with a faraway friend


* I wrote about chapter 3 here
* All quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand gifts chapter 4

Old habits die hard

The last time I mentioned Ann's book I wrote about joy, eucharisteo, and how it is not a feeling, not an emotional mountain that is to be climbed. Well the next chapter, chapter 3, says that eucharisteo has to be learned. "And learning requires practice-- sometimes even mind-numbing practice..... practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation."

And it makes sense... and I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe I'm not the only one who struggles with developing good habits.  Maybe I'm not the only one who trudges on in what seems like mind-numbing practice. And I love how she admits that practice is hard because it is yet we tell ourselves it is easy and we tell each other that it is easy and we believe the lie that it should be easy.

But life isn't easy and it's better to admit that it's hard instead of pretending that it is easy. We never quit learning so we will never quit practicing and it will never get easier. An old habit will go away and a new one will form only to reveal another new old habit that must be nailed out. And Ann offers a strategy that seems to make sense.

"Life changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time."

And sometimes it takes a lot of nails... and a lot of time. So I'm not alone, and I am not the only one who clings hard to old habits. The key is to keep hammering... and the nails don't have to be big.

A life full of joy... full of thanksgiving requires fighting. The saying that old habits die hard is very true and when you add the spiritual battle ,your flesh fighting your spirit, those old habits are even harder to kill.The last thing the enemy wants is for Christians to be thankful. When you begin the journey towards a thankful life, a life of living eucharisteo, it will get harder before it gets easier.

As the chapter ends the words get harder to read... because Ann isn't interested in making you comfortable... she wants you to change. The last paragraph is a hard one and one I wrote about here because it's not an easy paragraph to read but it needs to be heard.

I love that Ann doesn't back down and that her words, while not coated with sugar, are written with so much grace.

* I wrote about chapter 2 here
* all quotes come from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand gifts Chapter 3.

Truths to remember

Days go by and struggles come,

sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. 

The flesh in me wants to do wrong, 

the Spirit says to do right.

I want to do right. I don't always succeed.

The problem is no matter how hard I try to justify it,

wrong is never right, and truth never lies.

I wrestle with my flesh, I want His peace.

I forget that peace never fights.

When will I learn to sit still in His peace

and let Him do the fighting.

I yearn for brokenness, 

and it comes in the form of tears.

The trouble is that tears, they dry.

I search for ways to earn my way back to Him, 

yet I somehow forget,

  that His grace is always free.

I am convinced that I have to earn His love,

and that it runs out.

But I don't, and it doesn't.

The beauty of my Savior is

that His love is free

and it never runs dry.

Reckless Abandonment

Lying in bed, thinking about Him, searching for ways to be closer… to better know who He is.

I read from His book but still want more… my eyes move to the bookcase across the room.

I make my way and run my hands over all the different spines that fill the shelves. So many choices…..so many voices…..so many words.

Words….I’m so consumed with words. With the power that they have.

I search for words….words from one who has walked before me, from one who is far wiser then I could ever hope to be, one who might shed light on a part of Him that I have yet to find.

My hands stop, hover over a worn copy of a book. One that was given to me in the first few years of my journey here in the real world, in a world that often takes the unexpected turns, in a world where the only way to true happiness is found in the One who is the definition of happiness.

I am not yet ready to share the name of this book...maybe sometime soon...maybe far in the future…..maybe never unless asked.

I carry it back to the bed with me, open the cover and read the note from the wise women who so graciously made it a point to give it to me. The words turn blurry through my tear-filled eyes as I feel His arms wrap around me in a way that is unexplainable. He sends comfort to me in my most favorite way….through words.

Reckless abandonment

Those are the words that He speaks….

Reckless abandonment

That is what He wants from me.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.

Recklessly follow Me….recklessly love Me….recklessly leave behind all that you know, all that is comfortable, all that is normal, all that you think will fulfill you.
Leave it all

All of it?

Yes, all of it.

I want it all….all your hopes, all your dreams, all your desires…..all your plans.

I am all you have ever hoped for….I will make your dreams come true….I will fulfill your deepest desires….and I will make all your plans.

But to do so means giving up everything.

Everything

“A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to ‘accept’ Christ without forsaking the world.” A.W. Tozer

Following Him with reckless abandonment requires forsaking the world and all that it has to offer.

So few truly understand that following Him cannot be done half-heartedly. He will not be satisfied with just a part of you...He wants all or nothing.

Giving up everything to Him means that I must die….and death is painful.

He promises life, life abundantly. The dreams, the desires, the plans that He offer’s are worth that painful death.

Its not just a religion to follow.

No, He wants more from you then just some religious acts. He wants your heart...my heart.

He wants me to recklessly abandon everything.... and follow Him.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me."

Matthew 16:24

No words today

Today I come with nothing to say.

For once the words are not there.... as I search my thoughts for something, anything to write about nothing comes.

My walk with Him is quiet today. No soft words spoken from His mouth.

Maybe I'm not listening.... maybe I'm being to loud to hear His words.

Or maybe... just maybe today He is quiet.

There are hours... days... sometimes weeks that go by without that closeness, with that feeling that I am alone and that He is far away.

But I know that those feelings are deceiving.

He NEVER goes... He is NEVER far away.

He is here. He is close by. He is right here next to me... inside of me.

Never leaving, never changing, always listening, always here... always loving.

A good talk with close friends leads to conversations about finding Him.... about how we hear His voice.

And I remember reading this post from a favorite place and reading her words cause me to pause and really think.

"Maybe it's this: God hides with the poor and in the pain and we can only witness Him at His most beautifully creative work in the places needing redemption. Maybe we are only at our most beautiful work in the same places too --- the places where we don't hide behind the distractions of stuff, where we finally empty our hands of all our possessions and idols and come to God empty and ready. The places where we can make art with tears."

Maybe the reason why all is so quiet is because there are things in hiding... hidden even from myself. Maybe I don't want to find those things. Maybe I'm content being full of my possessions and idols. Maybe my heart is harder then I think it is.

This I know for sure: God does His very best work in me when I am completely empty of myself.

So I will not be content with silence today. Instead I will search... and pray for that emptiness. For the hidden to be made known. For all barriers that stand between me and His voice to be torn down.

Never alone

Have you ever stood on a mountain and looked out across the vastness of His creation and felt alone?

Ever feel completely isolated... from everything... and everyone?

It's not always a bad place to be. Sometimes He takes us to that place so that we might find Him. Sometimes the business of life make it hard to see Him. Too many distractions makes Him seem far away... make it harder to hear His voice. 


So He brings us to a place where we can hear Him. A place that may seem too quiet. In the loud world we live in the quiet can seem intimidating. Most often it is in the stillness that we hear Him. 

He leads me beside still waters...

Psalm 23

 So that I might hear Him.

Sometimes I have to feel alone to realize that I'm never alone.

A picture of His creation takes away my breath.

The greatness of my Maker at times makes me feel so small... so insignificant. Standing on the mountaintop, taking in the enormity of my surroundings, I realize that He is soooo big. Yet He is not beyond reach. He is interested in every little detail. Even the smallest flower receives His personal touch.

So when you find yourself caught in the period of loneliness... don't fight it. Stay there for a moment and dwell on His greatness... on just how big He is and just how small you are. Let it sink in that the world does not revolve around you. Then breathe in the air around you.... the air that He provided to fill your lungs. Drink in  His presence... after all it's all around you, never leaving you... not even for a second. He really is closer to you then your skin. He really does live inside of you. Surround yourself with His creation, and realize this...

"Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life."

Rachel Carson

(Found a website of a photographer that I just love!! All these pictures were found here. I love pictures of His creation and this guy seems to be gifted with capturing some of the most intricate details.... you can be sure that I will be using his photos regularly.)