Wednesday, September 29, 2010

No words today

Today I come with nothing to say.

For once the words are not there.... as I search my thoughts for something, anything to write about nothing comes.

My walk with Him is quiet today. No soft words spoken from His mouth.

Maybe I'm not listening.... maybe I'm being to loud to hear His words.

Or maybe... just maybe today He is quiet.

There are hours... days... sometimes weeks that go by without that closeness, with that feeling that I am alone and that He is far away.

But I know that those feelings are deceiving.

He NEVER goes... He is NEVER far away.

He is here. He is close by. He is right here next to me... inside of me.

Never leaving, never changing, always listening, always here... always loving.

A good talk with close friends leads to conversations about finding Him.... about how we hear His voice.

And I remember reading this post from a favorite place and reading her words cause me to pause and really think.
"Maybe it's this: God hides with the poor and in the pain and we can only witness Him at His most beautifully creative work in the places needing redemption. Maybe we are only at our most beautiful work in the same places too --- the places where we don't hide behind the distractions of stuff, where we finally empty our hands of all our possessions and idols and come to God empty and ready. The places where we can make art with tears."
Maybe the reason why all is so quiet is because there are things in hiding... hidden even from myself. Maybe I don't want to find those things. Maybe I'm content being full of my possessions and idols. Maybe my heart is harder then I think it is.

This I know for sure: God does His very best work in me when I am completely empty of myself.

So I will not be content with silence today. Instead I will search... and pray for that emptiness. For the hidden to be made known. For all barriers that stand between me and His voice to be torn down.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My crazy, busy life: an update

I just went a whole week without blogging.... it's been awhile since that has happened.

I started 3 different posts last week but never got around to finishing any. I know, kinda sad, right?

Well life has just been crazy and really busy... really, really busy.

I like it busy, although sometimes I have to remind myself to stop and take a few months to breathe. And I did just that, yesterday morning.

 It has finally started to cool off around here. Hopefully it will stay that way and not return to that horrible above 90 degree weather that seemed to never want to end.

I have been riding 3 horses more then 3 days every week now for the last month and I feel great. Although all this exercising makes me hungry... all the time... and I mean its that stomach growling, starving feeling. I try to ignore it but it's kinda hard. I am hoping to lose more weight, and build muscle tone. So far no weight loss, which I attribute to A. the building of muscle (which I can tell) and B. the fact that I am eating more. I'm not eating unhealthy, well I was for a few weeks, but I nipped that one in the butt. So hopefully by Christmas I'll be down 10lbs.

Riding has been soooooooo good. I can't wait to see where I am come spring. It is so therapeutic for me. God has been doing some awesome things in my heart lately and hopefully in the next week I'll be able to write about some of them.

I never got around to counting my blessings last week (shame, shame on me)..... but I'm here now and that's what counts.


It's fall... which means.....

Football games


Cool, crisp mornings

Slightly warm afternoons

Perfectly cool evenings

Leaves changing

Bugs dying

Windows open

Music blaring

Horses fresh

Sweating to a minimal

Time for hoodies to come out

Good times for evening walks with friends

Still warm enough for flip flops

Yet cool enough for a jacket

Perfect mornings for a quiet time on the porch with a cup of hot coffee

A new season

Which means that last season is gone

A chance to begin again

A chance to leave behind old habits

Opportunities for new habits to form

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

He is because He is

How do you know Him?

Don't ask me how I know Him.

I know Him because I do.

It might not make sense to you... but it does to me.

He is there because He is.

He is there because I can feel Him.... I can see Him... I can hear Him.

He and I are one. The Maker lives inside His creation. In their hearts.... in their soul.... closer to them then their very own skin.

My very breath depends on Him.

I see His hands in all creation.

How do you know He exists... you can't see Him.

Don't tell me He doesn't exist.

How can you look up at the stars and question their Maker?

How can you look at a newborn and not see the image of the One in who we are created to be like?

Do you really believe that all this happened by chance... that we really came from nothing?

What if your wrong??

What if your wrong??

I may not have all the answers but I know truth.

It is rather simple.... He is truth.

He is the I AM... upon which everything stands on.

Apart from Him there is no truth... no light... no life.

I do not know... can not know everything about Him.

But I do know this....

I am not wrong.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My new home.... and my amazing God

Whew.... so there is so much to tell. My life is crazy busy. I am so thankful for this job that allows me to sit here and write. It may not pay much but it is definitely the job I need right now.

As you all know I have moved and horses are finally home with me. I, with my handy dandy new iphone, have finally taken some pics of the place.

Here is the side-view of the house with the barn in the background. Behind me is the pasture my horses are in.

Here are my 2 lovely steeds in their pasture.... they want me to stop taking pics and feed them their dinner(-:

Here is the barn

And the arena.... my favorite part(-:

I still can't believe that this is where I live. So far we have ridden almost every day. It is so fantastic to have someone to ride with. But now I must tell you the best part

You know, from reading all my past posts, that I've been struggling to understand the plan that God has for me right now. I know that one day my life will be consumed with a family, raising kids, homeschooling, taking care of my home, and being a wife. But I've wrestled with knowing what God wants me to do in the mean-time. Why He hasn't brought that man into my life has been a prevailing question. I've been praying, seeking out why I'm still single and what it is that He wants me to do during this season of life. I have heard Him tell me what He does not want me to do but no clear answers on what to do.

I know that part of it is that I am learning patience. This go-doer, fixer, constantly having to move person is learning the meaning of being still and waiting on the Lord. A very, VERY hard lesson for me to learn. But I am learning it.

So a little bit over a month ago I thought I heard Him tell me to ride horses. I struggled with this because I am very cautious when it comes to my horses. I often feel like that when I spend a lot of time with them or begin to pursue my dreams of competing that it is out of my own selfish desires. So when I heard Him say ride horses I questioned if that was His voice or mine.

Well I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more and the answer was clear to at least pursue it. So I did and that's how I ended up here.

I woke up this morning knowing that I clearly heard His voice in this and that I am in the center of His will. I know that this is exactly where He wants me.

A month ago, I only knew a handful of unbelievers and I was not close at all to any of them. In the past 2 weeks I have been surrounded by them and have begun to develop relationships with a few.

This is quite scary. It has been intimidating. One of the girls, JT, is searching. She is on the fence. She wants to believe in God but has some many unanswered questions. We had a long talk one night and it was somewhat discouraging. I don't have answers to her questions.

How do I know He is real?

Because I do.

I know that He lives inside of me.

I know that He is my Savior.

I know because I have a relationship with Him.

Because He and I are one... we cannot be separated. He is apart of me... closer then my own skin.

I may not be able to explain Him scientifically, but I can give you a reason for the hope that lives inside of me.

One thing I do know is that God cannot, and never will be, fully understood. If I could give a reasonable, rational answer to everything about Him then there would be no reason for faith. Faith is a key part in the relationship with Him. Belief in Him just because He says to is essential to salvation. It requires a humbleness, a realization that He is supreme and I am not. That He is holy and I am wretched. That I am in need of something that I can't get on my own. That above all I need Him...  I need Him to give me faith to believe in Him.

And that's what I told her.

I told her that I wish I could answer her questions. But faith can't be explained... it must be experienced and it must be given by God.

I felt defeated after that conversation... that I should of said more. Worried that I didn't make sense or that what I said sounded uneducated. Doubt crept in and the enemy tried to set up camp inside of me.

Thankfully He is a God who encourages, who protects His sheep, and a God who hears the cries of His children.

Last night JT and I talked again. After an evening of working with the horses we sat down out back to talk. She told me that she respected me. She told me, (pardon the language but these are her words, not mine) that I wasn't someone she'd want to F*** with. That I actually intimidated her. That normally she is the type of person that sees someone like me and tries to mess them up. Not me, she said, I wouldn't want to mess you up. Then she tells me that being around me makes her cautious, that she catches herself not wanting to cuss around me.

I'm not telling you this to brag on myself... but because I was shocked.

It was totally a God thing. As I went to bed I heard His voice, "I told you to trust Me. This isn't about you... remember... it's all about Me. As long as you are willing and obedient you will eat the best of the land."

And it was the best.... nothing.... and I say NOTHING compares to knowing that God just used you to impact someones life for His kingdom. It's the most comforting, encouraging, amazing feeling ever.

So, as I told my dad last night. Yes, God did tell me to ride horses, and He'll fill in the details.

*So if you will.... please join me in praying for JT. That God will continue to open doors there for me. That she will remain open to Him. Pray for a soft heart , for us both. That I will remain obedient and willing. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be from Him. And also that I will remain strong, realizing that all around there are people watching my every move. I want my light to shine and for His love to be seen in my every action.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Multitude Monday

Last week was a long one. A lot of crazy things mixed with a lot of great things. I see God at work but it sure is crazy.

# 401-425

A great friend

Cool morning and a light rain

Good football games

My iphone

A great kickoff for Awana's

Text messages

The anticipation of NFL starting


Late night talks

A long trailride

A roommate who shares my love of horses

Canned peaches

Getting paid to watch SEC football

A Saturday morning at work which begins with coffee and college gameday

Finding the perfect shirt for my nephew, "I don't come with mute button" if only you knew just how perfect it fits this 3 year old :-)

Butterflies on the trail

A few more boxes unpacked

A training schedule

Goals for the upcoming horse show

Friendly competition

Early morning feeding of the horses... all tucked in their dry stalls munching on grain while rain pours all around

Knowing that He is my all in all

Late night pondering's

A God who cares enough to lecture me when I'm wrong

The peace that is given when I finally give in to His ways

holy experience

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Completely off topic post

So I really didn't think I would write on here about this.... but really I can't help myself.

You see I like football.... well maybe that's an understatement. I LOVE football.

College is fantastic and I am a true Arkansas Razorback fan. I love them hogs and when my 3 yr old nephew feels like I'm ignoring him he starts that wooooooooooo pig sooooooey and it always works (I've trained him well) :-):-)

However, nothing compares to my dedication and love for my Patriots. I am a loyal, die hard New England fan.

Like so loyal that this morning at about 7 I get a twitter update from Mike Reese, their media guy, saying that Tom Brady was in a car wreck. That was it. I think my heart might have stopped. It was a long 5 min before the next update came that said he was ok.

Needless to say... that's not a good way to be woken up in the morning.

Are you catching on to the fact that I sorta like football:-)

Well... tonight is the kickoff for the NFL. I love watching college football, especially SEC, but I completely and utterly enjoying watching NFL. Tonight the Vikings play the Saints and I am practically jumping up and down with excitement!

Oh and I get my iphone today:-)

So really... its a perfect day:-)

Roomie had to remind me of that after some things that happened earlier today. But I'm looking past those things and counting down the hours till kickoff

5 and a half hours!!!!!!!!!!

Apples and Spaghetti

Sometimes life doesn't go the way we plan on it going.

Sometimes His plans and my plans are like apples and spaghetti.

Sometimes I don't like His plans.... and sometimes I have the audacity to tell Him so.

That's what I did the other night. On the long drive home, I tuned out the child in the back telling stories to her stuffed dog, and had a long talk with my Maker.

So many thoughts running through my head... so many things going on in my life..... so many paths that can be taken.

He says, "I want you to walk this way".... I say, "I want to walk that way."

He says, "if you will go my way... willingly and obediently then you will eat the best of the land."

I say.... "how about I take this road and eat the second best of the land??"

That was the wrong thing to say.

I feel His anger... or maybe its more like disappointment.

Really... really?? "You would settle for the second best when I'm willing to give you the best???" He firmly asks.

Have you've ever been there?? So uncomfortable with the path that has been laid before you that you shake your head no. It looks so different.... maybe even scary... that you cling to this other idea and stop in your tracks unwilling to move forward.

He's been so patient with me these last few months as I've struggles and wrestled with His plans. Last night I knew that the time for patience was over.

Like a father who firmly puts his foot down and says enough. The Father says, "No, this is not an okay thing to ask. You cannot settle. I care too much for you to let you settle for anything less then the best. I'm sorry that you don't like it, I'm sorry that it's not what you had in mind. But enough of this fighting. I've told you what I expect, where I want you to go. I'm done with your rebellion. It's time to step up and take my hand. You know that I am always here, that I will be there every step of the way. Trust me my child."

Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

I sat there and let His words sink in. I don't like them. I don't like what He is asking me to do... I'm not exactly thrilled about the direction He is asking me to go.

You see, this path... the one He wants me on.... is lonely.I know it is because He has told me so. That, I'm pretty sure is the reason that I fight so hard.

I kept asking.... begging for a different way, The answer last night was a very clear, no.

The only choice now is to step up and walk forward. Something I've learned in my short time here on this earth is that sometimes the only thing you can do is the next right thing. If I wait on a willingly attitude then I might never move. However if I take that first step... become obedient then He rewards that. The willing and joyful attitude will follow. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next week, but I must keep stepping forward one foot at a time.

There's a large mountain ahead of me and the journey looks treacherous and impossible. But I know that with Him all things are possible and that no path is too treacherous with Him by my side.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Light night ponderings

Driving home late at night, or rather early one morning.

Driving.... praying..... worshiping... trying to listen.

I'm not very good at listening. A song I love says that I can't hear God if I'm talking. 

I talk.... way too much. Maybe that's why I... you have a hard time hearing.

So, I take a deep breathe... and close my mouth. I drive in silence. Trying my best to stop my thoughts... my feelings... my own desires to interfere with hearing His thoughts... His heart... His desires.

A few minutes is all I can give.

As I drive I stare out across the hay fields I'm passing by.... staring up at the heavens, the stars that my Maker has made. I think about His might, His power, His vastness. He created all those stars, yet He cares about this small human driving a car along this old highway. 

What does He think about me? What goes through His mind? How is it possible for Him to care so much for me? And what does He want with me? I want to hear His thoughts. I want to feel His heartbeat. I desperately want to do what He wants me to do.
Another favorite song plays.

I smile and let the words fill my soul. The love of the Creator came down and rescued me... He came to set me free. And the best part..... I am His.

No matter how high the mountain is.

No matter how low the valley is.

I am His. I am His.... His forever. For all my days... I am His.

Nothing can separate me from His grasp.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Counting on....

Thankfully I and my many animals are all moved into our new house. Getting the horses here was def an adventure... and not a pleasant one. You can read about it here. Quite frustrating... but at least they are here. I cannot describe just how wonderful it is to finally have them in my backyard. I never thought it would happen this quickly. My life is still in boxes. The bathroom is currently the holding area, along with the closet and the whole far side of my room. I am attacking them slowly... one box at a time and a few every day. I finally got the bathroom cleared, only to move the boxes from the car in there... but hey at least my car is now free of boxes:-) It is a very slow process and I'm ready for it to be done so I can start decorating the walls.

Emotionally, I'm doing fantastic. I have such a peace about this move. I know that this is right were I'm supposed to be living. For the first time in awhile I feel like I'm settling into a routine. Which means that God is about to move.... cuz He never leaves me in a routine.... but hey I'm ready for it. I know that He is just preparing me for something great. I have a few things that I've been pondering about lately so stay tuned:-)


My new house

Sleeping in my bed for the first time in 2 weeks

Getting the 5 yr old ready for school

My nephews smile

Talks with a friend

The strange way that the Lord works

Water fights

Cooler weather

Shopping with my parents

Celebrating my dad's birthday

A wonderful night with just the girls

Getting up early and kissing the noses of my horses

A good workout with both horses

An arena with lights:-)

Long drives and good talks with the Father

Money for an iphone

The freedom of being financially on my own

Peace from Him that only He can give

  The LORD gives strength to His people; the LORD blesses His people with peace.
Psalm 29:11

Friday, September 3, 2010

His Hands

His hands are mighty, they formed the heavens and the earth.

His hands are creative, they form each and every one of us.

His hands are full of mercy.

"Let us fall into the hands of the LORD, for His mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men."
2 Samuel 24:14

His hands are powerful, they have wiped out entire nations in one full swoop.

His hands are tender, they hold our tears in them.

His hands are healing hands.
"For He wounds, but He also binds up;
       He injures, but His hands also heal."
Job 5:18

His hands are always open, He never turns one of His children away. No matter how far you have ran, or how long you've been gone.

 "The works of His hands are faithful and just; all His precepts are trustworthy."
Psalm 111:7

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Never Alone

I love that He is personal... and that He speaks to me in ways that I understand. In ways that I can relate too.

This song has been out for some time now, yet it seems that lately it is always playing when I turn on the radio.

Sometimes our feelings betray us... sometimes He feels far way. At times.... it even feels as if He has abandoned us.

Have you've been there?

I have.

I'm not currently there... but I know some of you are.

There are days that I cry out to Him and I get no reply, days when I feel as if I'm walking this road alone. Emotions can be misleading, a tool the enemy uses to plant doubt deep inside.

He is a part of me.... He and I are one. Never to be separated... for all of eternity I will be with Him. There has never been a day.. a second...  since that day 10 years ago that I have walked alone.

It doesn't matter what your feelings are telling you.

He is there.

He is here.

Always and forever.... holding onto you.... step by step guiding you.

Rest in that simply, yet profound fact. Take it to heart. Hold tight to that when loneliness creeps in and tries to drag you down.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Unwanted lesson

Sitting in church, listening.... struggling. The pastor says words that do not sit well within this rebellious and wretched person.

Words... questions that challenge who I am and who I want to be.

Do you ever give God advice on what He should do with your life?

I grimace, hide my eyes and inside I fill with shame. The answer is of course yes, far more often then I'd like to admit.

Then something stirs within and I hear a quiet yet clear voice.... how often do you get mad when I don't listen to your advice?

Ouch.... ok Father, you got me, right where You want me... right where I need to be.

I'm listening even though the words hurt, even though the lesson is unwanted.

The pastor preaches on, reminding me of truths I know, truths that are at the core of who I am.

I am most satisfied when I am satisfied in Him. The happiest I will ever be, is right where He wants me.

Not where I want to be.

No greater joy can be found then that which is found when I am at the center of His will... when He is the center of my life.

I ask Him for forgiveness... I don't like being outside His will. I desperately want Him to be what my life is centered around.

Father forgive me when I fail you, forgive me when I think I know best. Thank you for extending great mercy upon one who deserves nothing but Your wrath.