Ever have that feeling creep up inside... you know.... that feeling of anger towards towards a person you love?
Yet when you dig deep... really deep, you find that it's not really anger you feel?
It's actually a brokenness that has overtaken your heart and to avoid the real feelings of betrayal and loneliness and heartache you turn it into anger so you can hide from the real issue and pretend the hurt doesn't exist.
And what happens when that person your "mad" at, the one who you feel has betrayed you and left you alone..... what if those feelings are towards the very One who created you? The One who is always faithful, always loving, and always holy.
And then you write it down so others can see it but then you erase and rewrite only to erase again.... because those feelings must be wrong....
But then again, if I really stop and think about it....
Maybe He's ok with how I feel.
Maybe it's a part of His plan.
Because it's at night that those true feelings come out and by then it's dark and I'm alone and the only one around is the Almighty and I've learned that He is more then willing to listen to my rants and to wipe away the tears, and He is plenty big enough to handle my clinched fists as I fight, practically beg to be let go.
Yet He never does.
He holds on and He listens and He fights for me when I don't think anyone is.
Because He is faithful and He does love me and to Him I am worth fighting for.
Yet I still struggle and I still fight against Him because those feelings are deep and their are wounds I won't let Him heal and they grow raw and they bleed yet I fight to keep them open because to heal they must first be reopened and cleansed.... and that sounds far too painful.
Yet He is patient.... and He will wait.
Still holding tight, He will let me beat against His chest as He draws me close and with tears running down He will whisper He loves me and eventually I grow weary and collapse in His embrace and rest in His peace.