Ever struggle with struggling?

Silly thought isn't it?
Or is it? 

I mean really, who likes to struggle? And if when you are struggling, who likes to admit it? I don't.
In fact I'm one of those who quietly tucks it away After all, if I don't admit it is there then I don't have to deal with it. Denial, that is what it is called. And it hurts no one, that is no one but me.

I hear His voice gently whispering, feel the soft tapping on my shoulder... He won't go away, even though I silently wish He would.

I know what He wants from me, I know where it will take me, and I don't want to go there.

I want to stay in my comfortable spot. In this place of no introspective. A place where there is no pain.

And the worst thing about this is that the one word I never thought I'd struggle with is the one word that is the root of all my struggles. And even now as my hands are typing I dare not let it out. Because this word holds my heart in captivity. It is firmly rooted, seeping down to the depth of my soul.

And with trembling hands I force the letters to form that word. I type it out, then press the back button. The battle within is strong, and as of late I am weary. From past experience weariness is not a bad place to be. After all it is when we reach the end, the point where we can no longer hold up our own head that we finally let go. And we must let go, so that we can let God.

So once again I begin to type the word, and this time I will succeed.... fear.

It is fear that grips my soul. Fear that has me turning my face away from Him. Fear, and maybe a little shame. Because no one would expect such a thing from me. I, who always has control, always willing to follow His lead, always flexible, always...... but afraid???

And I am led back to that book, the one that reminds me that

"It's not about what you've done. It's about what you're going to do now."