Do you remember when you last hit your breaking point?
That hopeless feeling that you can't make it another step without totally falling apart.
When you think your being strong and a picture, the one your walked by a thousand times, it hits to smack in the face and you feel walls crack and water trying to bust through.
You take a deep breath and try to swallow the tears but the ten thousand other things that have you worried come to mind and you have to grab the back of a chair to keep from doubling over.
I know you remember.... how do you forget moments when you feel completely alone in the world, strength all gone, and no one there to step in and save the day?
It's that moment when all you want is to here His voice.... but all you hear is silance.
The turmoil it causes because your emotions say He's not there but your head knows He is but how do make your emotions line up with your head.
And you find yourself in the place you fear most, unable to move, unable to hold back the tears.
Then I stare down and find the words recently engraved on my foot.... the ones I fight so hard to ignore but it doesn't come easy.
But when did He promise it would ever be easy.... when did He promise a life without pain and suffering?
His words are simple TRUST. Trust in the Lord.... I see it every day, multiple times a day and still I struggle.
Trust in Me and I will direct your path. What better promise could we get?
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
Fighting
Ever have that feeling creep up inside... you know.... that feeling of anger towards towards a person you love?
Yet when you dig deep... really deep, you find that it's not really anger you feel?
It's actually a brokenness that has overtaken your heart and to avoid the real feelings of betrayal and loneliness and heartache you turn it into anger so you can hide from the real issue and pretend the hurt doesn't exist.
And what happens when that person your "mad" at, the one who you feel has betrayed you and left you alone..... what if those feelings are towards the very One who created you? The One who is always faithful, always loving, and always holy.
And then you write it down so others can see it but then you erase and rewrite only to erase again.... because those feelings must be wrong....
Right????
But then again, if I really stop and think about it....
Maybe He's ok with how I feel.
Maybe it's a part of His plan.
Because it's at night that those true feelings come out and by then it's dark and I'm alone and the only one around is the Almighty and I've learned that He is more then willing to listen to my rants and to wipe away the tears, and He is plenty big enough to handle my clinched fists as I fight, practically beg to be let go.
Yet He never does.
He holds on and He listens and He fights for me when I don't think anyone is.
Because He is faithful and He does love me and to Him I am worth fighting for.
Yet I still struggle and I still fight against Him because those feelings are deep and their are wounds I won't let Him heal and they grow raw and they bleed yet I fight to keep them open because to heal they must first be reopened and cleansed.... and that sounds far too painful.
Yet He is patient.... and He will wait.
Still holding tight, He will let me beat against His chest as He draws me close and with tears running down He will whisper He loves me and eventually I grow weary and collapse in His embrace and rest in His peace.
Yet when you dig deep... really deep, you find that it's not really anger you feel?
It's actually a brokenness that has overtaken your heart and to avoid the real feelings of betrayal and loneliness and heartache you turn it into anger so you can hide from the real issue and pretend the hurt doesn't exist.
And what happens when that person your "mad" at, the one who you feel has betrayed you and left you alone..... what if those feelings are towards the very One who created you? The One who is always faithful, always loving, and always holy.
And then you write it down so others can see it but then you erase and rewrite only to erase again.... because those feelings must be wrong....
Right????
But then again, if I really stop and think about it....
Maybe He's ok with how I feel.
Maybe it's a part of His plan.
Because it's at night that those true feelings come out and by then it's dark and I'm alone and the only one around is the Almighty and I've learned that He is more then willing to listen to my rants and to wipe away the tears, and He is plenty big enough to handle my clinched fists as I fight, practically beg to be let go.
Yet He never does.
He holds on and He listens and He fights for me when I don't think anyone is.
Because He is faithful and He does love me and to Him I am worth fighting for.
Yet I still struggle and I still fight against Him because those feelings are deep and their are wounds I won't let Him heal and they grow raw and they bleed yet I fight to keep them open because to heal they must first be reopened and cleansed.... and that sounds far too painful.
Yet He is patient.... and He will wait.
Still holding tight, He will let me beat against His chest as He draws me close and with tears running down He will whisper He loves me and eventually I grow weary and collapse in His embrace and rest in His peace.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Forgotten
Sometimes I read His words and nothing hits the soul.... other times it leaves me gasping for air.
ever been there.....
Sure that first part is clearly what I needed tonight after a tearful drive home, yet its the last part that once again causes the tears to fall.... that a man such as David could have ever felt abandoned. And why would one feel the need to remind the Almighty not to abandon him right after declaring His faithfulness and His love??
Could it be that I'm not alone in this wondering if perhaps, I have been forgotten?
Maybe it's slightly normal to feel alone in this world.
It's the way he ends the psalm... no continuation of the faithful works of the One who's love knows no end.
Did he cry out in a loud voice "The Lord WILL fulfill His purpose for me!" and then quietly whisper, "do not abandon the works of Your hands."
I know I do. Because as much as I want to believe in the power of His promise there is that hint of doubt that often grips the heart. As if He needs to be reminded of that which He created.
It's quite silly to sit and think about yet I imagine each and everyone of us has felt just like that man, who happened to be a king and a heart that desperately sought after the Lord.
Maybe its the stress of the new job, maybe its the realization of loss of friendships as I once new them, or maybe its just the way He is preparing for what is ahead..... whatever it is I find myself praying this very verse. I know His plans, I know they are great, I know You are faithful and loving and true... but please don't abandon me. Don't leave me here in this vast wasteland that seems to have no end.
ever been there.....
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O Lord, endures forever - do not abandon the works of Your hands.Psalm 138:8
Sure that first part is clearly what I needed tonight after a tearful drive home, yet its the last part that once again causes the tears to fall.... that a man such as David could have ever felt abandoned. And why would one feel the need to remind the Almighty not to abandon him right after declaring His faithfulness and His love??
Could it be that I'm not alone in this wondering if perhaps, I have been forgotten?
Maybe it's slightly normal to feel alone in this world.
It's the way he ends the psalm... no continuation of the faithful works of the One who's love knows no end.
Did he cry out in a loud voice "The Lord WILL fulfill His purpose for me!" and then quietly whisper, "do not abandon the works of Your hands."
I know I do. Because as much as I want to believe in the power of His promise there is that hint of doubt that often grips the heart. As if He needs to be reminded of that which He created.
It's quite silly to sit and think about yet I imagine each and everyone of us has felt just like that man, who happened to be a king and a heart that desperately sought after the Lord.
Maybe its the stress of the new job, maybe its the realization of loss of friendships as I once new them, or maybe its just the way He is preparing for what is ahead..... whatever it is I find myself praying this very verse. I know His plans, I know they are great, I know You are faithful and loving and true... but please don't abandon me. Don't leave me here in this vast wasteland that seems to have no end.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Year=New Beginnings.... right???
Well another year has passed and a new one begins. 2011 is officially over and as I look in the review mirror I see some pretty cool things and then some not-so-cool things. One of those not-so-cool things is the amount of time, or lack of time, I have spent here. In 2010 I dove into this whole blogging thing and fell in love, then somewhere in the beginning of 2011 I failed miserably at finding time to sit and write. Part of it could be that I lost my job and then got bombarded with many part-time jobs and then landed an actual real-has-a-salary-five-days-a-week job that has radically changed my life.
If you would of told me at the beginning of 2011 that I would be where I am right now I'm pretty sure I would have laughed at you. Here I am about to turn 26, a seminary grad, one who never really desired a career, and I now work in accounting/taxes and love it. I never would of chosen this path for myself, never saw it coming, and I am quite amused at just how much I really enjoy it.
It's still not easy. I still have days when I wish life could of gone the way I always dreamed it would have. I still long to be a wife, and a mom. Loneliness is still one of my deepest and hardest struggles and I still struggle to trust Him. In fact some days I feel as though I push myself into my job so that I can ignore all those yucky feelings.
Some of the struggles are just growing pains, as I sit here and write this post my heart longs to be sitting in the Georgia dome with tend of thousands of other young people signing praises and lifting my hands to glorify Him... but I can't. My job requires me to be here this time of the year. I have responsibilities that tie me down and in able me to pack up and leave for a week. And Sunday as my brother left to head to Atlanta is was all I could to do to stay put, to control the wild child in me that loves to be free and spontaneous. It's hard to imagine Him wanting me to stay here instead of going. But the truth is.... I am right where He wants me. There is no place better for me to be then right here where I am called to be. But it does stink... and I once again let out a sigh and announce to the dogs (as if they care) that being an adult really sucks sometimes (actually alot of times).
But it is a new year and there are new beginnings and new adventures ahead. And while the next few months may be the most stressful months I've ever had (I hear lots of horror stories about working tax season) I will make the most of this year and pray for the strength to follow His lead, where ever that may be, and hopefully find time to write here a bit more then last year:)
If you would of told me at the beginning of 2011 that I would be where I am right now I'm pretty sure I would have laughed at you. Here I am about to turn 26, a seminary grad, one who never really desired a career, and I now work in accounting/taxes and love it. I never would of chosen this path for myself, never saw it coming, and I am quite amused at just how much I really enjoy it.
It's still not easy. I still have days when I wish life could of gone the way I always dreamed it would have. I still long to be a wife, and a mom. Loneliness is still one of my deepest and hardest struggles and I still struggle to trust Him. In fact some days I feel as though I push myself into my job so that I can ignore all those yucky feelings.
Some of the struggles are just growing pains, as I sit here and write this post my heart longs to be sitting in the Georgia dome with tend of thousands of other young people signing praises and lifting my hands to glorify Him... but I can't. My job requires me to be here this time of the year. I have responsibilities that tie me down and in able me to pack up and leave for a week. And Sunday as my brother left to head to Atlanta is was all I could to do to stay put, to control the wild child in me that loves to be free and spontaneous. It's hard to imagine Him wanting me to stay here instead of going. But the truth is.... I am right where He wants me. There is no place better for me to be then right here where I am called to be. But it does stink... and I once again let out a sigh and announce to the dogs (as if they care) that being an adult really sucks sometimes (actually alot of times).
But it is a new year and there are new beginnings and new adventures ahead. And while the next few months may be the most stressful months I've ever had (I hear lots of horror stories about working tax season) I will make the most of this year and pray for the strength to follow His lead, where ever that may be, and hopefully find time to write here a bit more then last year:)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
A new season
Its pouring outside. The rain streams down the windows and makes it hard to see.
A friend sent me a text today.... a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile. She asked me if I had read One Thousand gifts. I laughed as I wrote back that I had. We started talking about it and somehow I find myself here... it's been a little while since I have last been here. In fact I never did finish writing on the last chapters of that book.
I think about that book as I text back and forth with her. I read back over some posts I had written and conviction comes and suddenly here I am... writing.
When the rain comes and life gets busy some things.... things that should not be, are forgotten.
It's my favorite time of the year.... the time when leaves turn and the air grows cold. Nights are longer and He sends down the rain.... the ground which has been thirsty for so long drinks deeply.
Summer is harsh down here.... the heat suffocates everything and slowly death comes.
Yet the Lord's timing is perfect just as the roses begin to breath their last a drop of rain falls and a dip in the temperature becomes their saving grace. Now the air is cool and the flowers in the garden give one last burst of color before winter sets. The beauty that fall brings is breath taking.
A friend sent me a text today.... a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile. She asked me if I had read One Thousand gifts. I laughed as I wrote back that I had. We started talking about it and somehow I find myself here... it's been a little while since I have last been here. In fact I never did finish writing on the last chapters of that book.
I think about that book as I text back and forth with her. I read back over some posts I had written and conviction comes and suddenly here I am... writing.
When the rain comes and life gets busy some things.... things that should not be, are forgotten.
It's my favorite time of the year.... the time when leaves turn and the air grows cold. Nights are longer and He sends down the rain.... the ground which has been thirsty for so long drinks deeply.
Summer is harsh down here.... the heat suffocates everything and slowly death comes.
Yet the Lord's timing is perfect just as the roses begin to breath their last a drop of rain falls and a dip in the temperature becomes their saving grace. Now the air is cool and the flowers in the garden give one last burst of color before winter sets. The beauty that fall brings is breath taking.
"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."Ecclesiastes 3:1
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Do not grow weary
Those are the words that come out as I listen to her. She is a fresh graduate, so much going for her but a past that tries so hard to hold her back. This transition is hard enough without bleeding wounds, my mind can't fathom being so young and so scarred. My heart is heavy as my ears take in the hurt from her voice, and my eyes see the longing just to be free from the past.
It hurts to see one so young struggle so hard yet I know that God heals and that He uses those hurts to grow us stronger and to help those in need. Yet it never gets easier to listen to the hurt, to the pain... to see how crafty the enemy is at making lies sound like truth and how he loves to beat those that are fallen.
Why do we believe when he tells us that God won't forgive us again... and that this time, we've messed up so bad there's no going back.
I read this blog (forgive me for not bookmarking it, I wish I remember where I read it as I has stuck with me all week), and the story the author wrote was just what I needed to hear and just what I needed to share.
It was the story of the prodigal son.... you know the one. That son who grabbed up his inheritance early then squandered it on worthless junk that soon was gone and ended up eating with pigs. We all know how it ends too.... with the father welcoming him home with open arms, no questions about where he had been or what he spent his inheritance on.... the father was simple glad he was home and safe.
But what happened next? What about the next morning when the son got up? How did the father treat him then? Had the son learned his lesson?
From my own experience, what happens is that the son hangs around for a few days/weeks trying to figure out how to earn back the Father's love. It doesn't take long to realize that he will never earn it and so away he runs.... and the Father? Well the Father once again takes up residence at the top of the hill constantly looking out for the lost son to once again come home. And when he does, he greets him the same way.... ever.single.time.
I told her that story... and realizing that I myself needed the words just as much as her. Life is hard.... we grow weary, we mess up, we throw tantrums and God keeps forgiving. All He expects from us is to get back up and take the next step... to do the next right thing.
It hurts to see one so young struggle so hard yet I know that God heals and that He uses those hurts to grow us stronger and to help those in need. Yet it never gets easier to listen to the hurt, to the pain... to see how crafty the enemy is at making lies sound like truth and how he loves to beat those that are fallen.
Why do we believe when he tells us that God won't forgive us again... and that this time, we've messed up so bad there's no going back.
I read this blog (forgive me for not bookmarking it, I wish I remember where I read it as I has stuck with me all week), and the story the author wrote was just what I needed to hear and just what I needed to share.
It was the story of the prodigal son.... you know the one. That son who grabbed up his inheritance early then squandered it on worthless junk that soon was gone and ended up eating with pigs. We all know how it ends too.... with the father welcoming him home with open arms, no questions about where he had been or what he spent his inheritance on.... the father was simple glad he was home and safe.
But what happened next? What about the next morning when the son got up? How did the father treat him then? Had the son learned his lesson?
From my own experience, what happens is that the son hangs around for a few days/weeks trying to figure out how to earn back the Father's love. It doesn't take long to realize that he will never earn it and so away he runs.... and the Father? Well the Father once again takes up residence at the top of the hill constantly looking out for the lost son to once again come home. And when he does, he greets him the same way.... ever.single.time.
I told her that story... and realizing that I myself needed the words just as much as her. Life is hard.... we grow weary, we mess up, we throw tantrums and God keeps forgiving. All He expects from us is to get back up and take the next step... to do the next right thing.
Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up.Galatians 6:8
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Results!!!!
Well the show was a success!!! We accomplished our goal of having a relaxed ride and there was no incidents. Romeo could not of behaved any better!!!
As far as competition goes we placed 6th out of 7 in our first class and 6th out of 8th in our second class. Considering that all of those riders have been doing this way longer then me and that most of those horses were high class horses.... aka, high dollar horses, we did pretty darn well!!! Our scores were very fair and higher then I thought they would be:)
Our day started off early.... horses were loaded at 6am... yes I said LOADED at 6 AM. We arrived at the how grounds around 6:30.
Tif and Jo were up first and had a great ride.
She rode at 8 and again close to 10. Then we had the pleasure of waiting in thehorribly lovely AR weather, which was 94 and humid:-/ till my first ride at 3. In between we got to watch our trainer's other-half ride his lovely mare and one of her student's on her horse.
Usually Dressage shows are very prime and proper and require you to follow strict dress codes. However because this is just a local schooling show... (because this is AR and dressage is a foreign sport in this state and hardly anyone does it, so we have a local group that puts together somewhat cheap shows so we can practice in order to go to the BIG shows out of state where you pay ridiculous amounts of money. And yes I know this makes no sense and I won't even try to explain it because frankly horse people are known for doing crazy and senseless things all the time.)
All that to say... since this is a schooling show the organization does a tropical-themed show for June and July when it's crazy hot and we need some sort of extra motivation to get out. So no, normally the horses are not wearing silly flowers in their manes and the riders don't usually wear pick feathers on their helmets but we did have a lot of fun with it!!
Next up was Romeo and I!! But first let me show you my crafty side.... These are the browbands I made. One for Romeo, one for Ria. I sewed in the beads and such on them. They are super hard to capture on film. So much prettier in person.
And here we are in the ring.
Trainer M had nothing but praise for both of us.
Our second test was much better then our first as my nerves were settled. I was so proud of how well he did.
Tif had the best score of the day on her mare Ria.
And Trainer M's other student was by far the cutest of the day:-)
Overall it was a fantastic day and besides the heat it couldn't of been a better show!
Now it's time to get back to work... only 3 1/2 weeks till the next one and this time Romeo and I have to actually look like a dressage pair.
*Notice how he holds his head in the ring compared to the other horses.... we have to be there.... but trust me when I say it is way easier said then done and takes TONS of practice to get there.
As far as competition goes we placed 6th out of 7 in our first class and 6th out of 8th in our second class. Considering that all of those riders have been doing this way longer then me and that most of those horses were high class horses.... aka, high dollar horses, we did pretty darn well!!! Our scores were very fair and higher then I thought they would be:)
Our day started off early.... horses were loaded at 6am... yes I said LOADED at 6 AM. We arrived at the how grounds around 6:30.
 |
| As one of the first to arrive we got the spot right next to the arena. |
Tif and Jo were up first and had a great ride.
She rode at 8 and again close to 10. Then we had the pleasure of waiting in the
 |
| M and Jeeves:) |
All that to say... since this is a schooling show the organization does a tropical-themed show for June and July when it's crazy hot and we need some sort of extra motivation to get out. So no, normally the horses are not wearing silly flowers in their manes and the riders don't usually wear pick feathers on their helmets but we did have a lot of fun with it!!
Next up was Romeo and I!! But first let me show you my crafty side.... These are the browbands I made. One for Romeo, one for Ria. I sewed in the beads and such on them. They are super hard to capture on film. So much prettier in person.
 |
| The far one is mine and it has some blue crystals in, the near one is Ria's and it has some green crystals in it. |
 |
Here we are about to go in the ring, I stuck with the classy look and added a few flowers to his mane. Love the completed look:)
Trainer M had nothing but praise for both of us.
 |
| All smiles:) |
Tif had the best score of the day on her mare Ria.
Overall it was a fantastic day and besides the heat it couldn't of been a better show!
Now it's time to get back to work... only 3 1/2 weeks till the next one and this time Romeo and I have to actually look like a dressage pair.
*Notice how he holds his head in the ring compared to the other horses.... we have to be there.... but trust me when I say it is way easier said then done and takes TONS of practice to get there.
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