If I had to sum up the past month in one word then freedom is the word I would choose. In the last three or so weeks I have fought, struggled, and wrestled with God on a many of different issues. There have been many tears shed, many hours of sleep lost, hours spent in the Word and twice as many hours in prayer. A few weeks ago I was talking with my dear friend Bekah about a rather interesting topic and she said some very wise words to me. I will not go into the details of everything as some things are not meant to be posted for all eyes to see. However you can know that I was very much on the fence concerning this issue. On one hand I was ready to move forward yet on the other hand I was scared to death and desperately wanted to run far away for the issue.
So I am sitting at her apartment complaining about the predicament that I was in when she stopped me. She said to me in a very calm and loving voice, "Kat you've asked God for this and when He finally said, 'okay,' you shoved it in His face and said, 'no, thanks, I don't really want this.'" Those words hit me like a slap in the face. That is exactly what I had been doing. I had been praying and asking God for several weeks for an answer to a question and I'm pretty sure the answer had been in front on me for quite some time. I just wasn't ready to receive it. As if I was expecting Him to say no, and when He said yes I was in denial.
So many times I spend far too much time talking and not enough time listening. If only I could learn to be still more often. I left her house that night with an overwhelming sense of peace. The answer to that question and my choice to follow God on the issue was the final step to a freedom that I was in dire need of.
Last night I was over at my friend Tracy's house for our weekly prayer time that we have started and she and I talked about this new freedom I have found. It amused me how her and her husband just laughed at my choice to move forward with this freedom and embrace it. That's what God wants us to do with the freedom He gives us... embrace it and allow it to change us. There is so much joy to be found in freedom. We have no need to run from it. God loves His children and when He says that He cares about our every need He means it. He finds great joy in giving us things that make us happy.
I often find it hard to receive His blessings.. that I think was the issue that kept me in bondage. I did not think that I was worthy, and still don't, of the road God was and is leading me down. Even now I find it hard to believe that God is saying yes, I can walk this way. This Sunday I finally said, okay. I committed myself to the road... to go wherever the journey may lead me. My Father is in control, I have no need to worry about my safely. Sure there might be some unexpected turns, maybe even a few logs to jump over. I know there will be many times when I am going to try and turn back. But, Sunday I held onto His hand and followed the road. Yesterday, I held onto His hand and followed the road. Today, I am holding onto His hand and following the road. My plan is to wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day to do the exact same thing. It's a daily battle. One that I will have to fit every morning. The enemy will attack me, often. I must remain on my guard at all times.
If I told you that this choice was not scary I would be lying. This choice, at this point in my life is terrifying to me. There are some deep wounds that I have suffered that have caused me to very cautious in certain areas of my life. It's okay to be cautious and to guard my heart. However, my cautiousness cannot be allowed to interfere with my trust in God. At the end of the day I must be willing to fully rely on Him to lead me even if the way ahead looks dangerous.