and so begins the season of storms

The day begins with out a speck of sun, dark clouds cover the sky and it makes getting out of bed so much harder. I wake up smiling.... this not-a-morning-person is smiling first thing. I wonder why and a glance at my bedside table reveals the culprit. That book, most of you know which one I'm talking about. That one which tells us that the secret to a full life is gratitude. And I remember how I fell asleep last night.... counting. Hmmm..... it really does work, doesn't it? This concept of taking captive every moment and turning it into a God-moment really does affect the soul.

I also remember how last nights chapter ended and the smile goes away. She says true gratitude isn't thankful so that life will change, no true gratitude is being thankful here, where I am at right now, and with no change expected.

I rather dislike that statement.

I sit here at work and watch the sky grow darker, and the wind get stronger. It's that time of the year again. Winter is on it's way out and the storm season is rolling on in. Spring is eagerly anticipated but with it comes the storms. Storms that while they quench the grounds can wreck havoc, devastating the earth. Yet we must have these storms, without the rain there can be no new life. New life requires the old to be stripped away, to be pruned, to be destroyed.

And the same must happen to us. The old must be torn down. We must be pruned, the dead things stripped away so that new life can grow.

Ann likens our lives to a canvas. The things that happen to us, the plans that fail, the dreams unfilled, and the pain that occurs all rip holes in our canvas. Ann proposes that instead of looking at these things as ruining our canvas, rather look at those things as holes to see God. That maybe the tough things in life happen so that we may see that it is God that controls our lives.

The wind dies down and the rain slows to a steady fall. The sound of the drops on the metal shop roof fill the office and I smile. I don't yet know if this idea of gratitude works in the long run, but I can tell that it worked today:-)

#615-623

Fun times at Awana's

Sweet note from a missing T&T

Sweet greetings from soft noses over the fence

My dog, never ever has he been disappointed to see me.

Those daffodils still a bright and cheery yellow

Raindrops hitting a metal roof

The howl of the wind

Soft thunder in the distant, always a reminder just how powerful my God is

A long overdue post

Snow came and covered the earth in a thick layer of sparkling white glitter. Usually this brings happiness to my soul and the days are spent sipping hot coffee and immersed in a good book, however the past few weeks have been hard. The snow days which confined me to a house made it even worse. Then came that birthday... the one that will forever serve as a reminder that it is the Lord that directs my steps. Then tax season hit and work has been insanely busy.

Needless to say I have had no desire to write and absolutely no time to write.

Sunday a dear friend took me on a coffee date for my birthday. Words cannot express just how much we both needed this date. We sat and sipped yummy starbucks for well over three hours, then took the conversation back to her house. I love this friend and cannot imagine how I would get by without her. She is a blessing from above and I pray I never take her friendship for granted.

She is the one person I know who is a great listener and knows when I need to just vent without receiving a lecture yet will give me one when I need it. In our conversation we both realized that though our situations are very different we are struggling in similar ways.

I have struggled recently with talking with a few of the friends that I usually talk with because both are the lecture types. I am very grateful to have three Godly women who know me as well as they do and are willing to speak truth even when it is/can be hurtful. However the place I am at is a fragile one. I know what is right, I know my attitude is bad, and I know how to fix it. And honestly a lecture isn't going to tell me anything I don't already know nor is it going to make me change anything. Being told constantly to fix my attitude gets old and makes me not want to be around those that are doing the lecturing.

My sweet coffee friend is in the same spot. I know that God takes us through seasons to teach us valuable lessons, and not all those seasons are enjoyable. The one I am currently in certainly has amazing things about it but overall it is very hard. I don't want advice, I don't want a lecture, I don't want to be told if-I-were-you-then-I-would....... I just want to be left alone with my thoughts, my struggles. The only one who can truly fix my attitude is God and believe me I get stern lectures all the time from Him. I'm not ignoring His instruction, I'm not shutting the door to His plans, but I am having a hard time with them. I have come to realize that as His child I am allowed to question Him, I am allowed to not like His instructions, and I am allowed to have negative feelings toward Him. What matters is my actions. I can question Him, but I still have to listen. I can not like His instructions but I still have to obey. I can have negative feelings but I still have to fight for joy.

And be assured that I am fighting. It is no coincidence that a book on gratitude by a treasured blogger just came out, and that it is the book the book club I participate in is reading through. I don't have the option of putting it down. It also serves as a daily reminder to keep counting.

#596-614

Moonlight reflecting on horse trough

Older siblings helping younger ones find the Scripture during church

Coffee date with a friend

Coffee

Warm weather

Trail rides with the old friend

Good training with the young one

Seeing and feeling the young one improve in such a short time

A sweet date on valentine's day with my nephew

A day at the zoo with that nephew

A week that begins with a nephew date and also ended with a nephew date

Watching his eyes light up at the sight of all the animals

Piling on abed with four sisters and singing songs to Jesus before tucking them in

Daffodils given by a Sunday school student

Waking up every morning and seeing those Daffodils

Evidence that spring is almost here

The anticipation of planting flowers :-)

Gearing up for planting a huge garden

Knowing that I am not forsaken

The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31:8

Fighting for eucharisteo

This morning while sipping on coffee I read about eucharisteo. A chapter ends and I lay aside the book and go on with my day. As I go about my chores my thoughts keep going back to those stories... the ones about death, of mothers burying their children, of pain I can't even begin to imagine.

I slid into my car and begin the journey to the friend who will soon be leaving. I try to throw away thoughts on the eucharisteo, I'm not in a thankful mood.... but then I drive by a cemetery. I see the hole freshly dug, and chairs set up for love ones to sit on. And He asks what about my life is so bad? I can no longer resist. I must accept the eucharisteo. I must fight for that joy.

But to be honest... I don't want to. To fight for joy means to no longer dwell in what I don't have, in the dreams have yet to come true.

A song comes on and I sing of how He loves me so. I sing and then I stop. I think about the words that I just sang.... "and all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory"

Is it possible that Ann's words are really true? That suffering really has "the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace?"

And the words hit me so hard that here I am in a parking lot typing away at a screen, taking a moment to count before meeting that dear friend.

#589-595

A long drive to contemplate words just read

The beauty of a cloudy day

Signs on the road, there to give us direction

Trees still bare

The strange warmth in the air... telling of a storm that is brewing

A book ready to be given away

A parking lot on the side of the highway... perfect spot for writing on eucharisteo

Tears

A much needed evening of fellowship is spent curled in a big chair with a close friend. The conversation starts with mere ramblings about the week, then slowly it becomes one that nourishes the soul. Lessons from the Great Teacher are shared and encouragement is given.

A text comes in from one whom we had just talked about, and fears are confirmed that all is not well. We talk, discuss... and search for ways to encourage, to uplift, to comfort a friend in need. We know the very best thing we can do is to pray.

A few days go by.... the one hurting is still on the mind... still in the prayers. Texts go back and forth from the close friend about the hurting one... because we are family and the blood that ties us together runs deeper then that which flows in the veins.

An alert flashes on the screen the same moment a text tells me to check my messages.... so I do. The hurting one has tried to put the pain into words.... and as she pours out her heart the tears flow down.I can hear the hurt in every word. I read on and my eyes see the reason for the pain, and my heart can take no more. The tears flow down. My heart hurts for her, for the choice that has been made, and for the pain that is yet to come. My heart hurts because I, selfishly, have dreaded this moment. I knew our time of living close was soon to end but now that it is certain my heart no longer stands firm.

The tears roll, and the heart breaks. I know somewhat of the journey that is ahead for her. I have experienced the loneliness that comes living so far away from the ones you love. I know how dark those nights can be and I start to pray for strength, for hope, for peace. I also know what it is like to be the one left behind and I dread the day I will have to say my goodbye. I dread the lonely days ahead, the days without the dear friend who still pursues me.

I turn on the music and the first song to play is the one that reminds me that He is the Healer, the one that walks us through the fire. And the one that follows reminds me that the God I serve is all always for me, never against me. He never forsakes those He loves, and when I am weak He remains strong.

So I wipe away the tears, finish reading her words and finally pick up a book that just arrived. A book that reminds me that before I dive in I need to count. At first it seems so impossible but as the first one is written I feel the healing begin.

#580-588

For a grade school friendship that is stronger then ever

For the time we have had together so far

For future memories that will be made

For a Father who is approachable

For friends that lift up hurting ones to the only One who brings Healing

For modern technology which makes the distance seem not so wide

For the growth that this next season of life will bring

For the knowledge that with the hurt comes healing

For tears

And for a Father who counts everyone

Book Club!!!

I am so excited to be joining with (in)courage for their new online book club! The first book is Ann Voskamp's book: One Thousand gifts.

I just received my copy of her book plus one for a friend. And yesterday I received an e-mail from (in)courage announcing that I had won their recent giveaway.... insert sequels of joy.... I've never won a giveaway before and this one happens to have a signed copy of Ann's book:-) So now I have 2 to giveaway!!!!

If only I could express to you just how happy I am right now!!!! So happy that as I type this at work I really just want to run outside and shout for joy!!!

It's feeling a little like Christmas around here, or maybe birthdayish (after all less then 2 weeks from the actual birthday). My mom's b-day was last week so I ordered her 5 Karen Kingsbury books... which means after she reads them I get too :-) so blessed to have a mom who has great taste. Then there is Ann's book that just arrived. And I finally used my huge gift card that roomie gave me for Christmas, it was to a tack shop and I spent weeks agonizing over what to get.... rough life eh?? And then I win this giveaway and it includes a lovely canvas print, a mug (how did they know I'm addicted to coffee) Ann's book, plus some bookmarks. Oh what a joyous life I have!!!! Plus roomie and I are loading up the horses and going to Hot Springs for a mini vacation/clinic with a friend/trainer:-) Oh how wonderful this week is turning out to be!!

It's Saturday evening

The air is cold, and darkness has settled upon the farm. The horses are groomed and tacked, stomping the ground eagerly anticipating their turn to be worked. The weather here has not been conducive for riding for quite some time and I am oh so thankful for the chance to get back in the saddle.

First up is my young wild one. Consistency is the key to taming the young horse, and consistency is the one thing we have not had as of late. I grit my teeth and force myself to ignore his nastiness and focus on quietness. The goal: get him to focus on me, ask a few things, and then get off. Keep it simple, stay focused, and do not get frustrated. Remember that he doesn't understand and be patient.

Next up is the old one, the beloved friend. She is so excited to be the recipient of my attention. I slip in the saddle and just soak in the familiarity of her gait. No goals in mind but to enjoy the time in the saddle.

The last ride of the night is on the resident schoolmaster, the one who teaches me. The goal for the evening is to work on my seat, to remind my body the things it had learned last month when riding was consistent. Fact: it is impossible for one to focus on one's position when horse is in rebellious frame of mind. And so the evening ended on a sore note, a heavily anticipated night turned into complete frustration.

It's Sunday morning, horses are feed, dog let out, and finally I slip into the car. The drive towards that place where it's all about Him. Yet my mind is still on last night. On that frustrating ride with that rebellious horse. I mutter aloud to the One who hears all.... "What went wrong?" O how sweet it is to commune with Him.

Looking back, had I known where He was going I might never have asked.... good thing only He knows where all conversations lead.

I think back through the ride and realize why the ride frustrated me so,the horse was rebellious. He should of been light and soft, accepting the bit with no resistance, thus making his body submissive to my direction. he wasn't. He even went beyond ignoring the instruction. He argued and yanked on my hands, loudly disagreeing with what I asked of him. He even took to racing around at a high rate of speed in order to evade any instruction. And all because he knows what will happen when he listens, he knows that being light and soft will give me all the control. And last night he wanted to remain in control.

Hmmmmm.....do you realize, my dear one, that you have been acting just like that horse?

You have resisted being soft because you know that it will give Me all the control. Your not like your young one, you know what is expected and you know how be soft. Your like the old schoolmaster who knows how to act, who knows what is expected of him. And last night his attitude was the same as yours has been towards me.

My eyes glisten with tears because I know He is right. I know how to walk close to Him, I know how to be soft. Lately I have resisted. I have yanked on the the hands of the One who knows what is best for me. I have strained to go in the opposite direction and desperately fought to take control. I have not wanted to be submissive to Him.

I bow my head and beg for His forgiveness... after all..... I know better.

#568-579

Today I am thankful for a God who never gets frustrated with me

For a God who never loses His patience

For His forgiveness that is deeper then the ocean

For grace.... unending grace

For a friend who shares that she too is struggling with a fear

For a book, on its way, that is eagerly anticipated

For a new community of sisters in the form of a book club

That His mercies are new EVERY morning

For His willingness to meet me where I am

For illustrations that reach to the deepest level

For horses and their Creator who uses them to teach me

For that old schoolmaster who has taught me a much needed lesson

Ever struggle with struggling?

Silly thought isn't it?
Or is it? 

I mean really, who likes to struggle? And if when you are struggling, who likes to admit it? I don't.
In fact I'm one of those who quietly tucks it away After all, if I don't admit it is there then I don't have to deal with it. Denial, that is what it is called. And it hurts no one, that is no one but me.

I hear His voice gently whispering, feel the soft tapping on my shoulder... He won't go away, even though I silently wish He would.

I know what He wants from me, I know where it will take me, and I don't want to go there.

I want to stay in my comfortable spot. In this place of no introspective. A place where there is no pain.

And the worst thing about this is that the one word I never thought I'd struggle with is the one word that is the root of all my struggles. And even now as my hands are typing I dare not let it out. Because this word holds my heart in captivity. It is firmly rooted, seeping down to the depth of my soul.

And with trembling hands I force the letters to form that word. I type it out, then press the back button. The battle within is strong, and as of late I am weary. From past experience weariness is not a bad place to be. After all it is when we reach the end, the point where we can no longer hold up our own head that we finally let go. And we must let go, so that we can let God.

So once again I begin to type the word, and this time I will succeed.... fear.

It is fear that grips my soul. Fear that has me turning my face away from Him. Fear, and maybe a little shame. Because no one would expect such a thing from me. I, who always has control, always willing to follow His lead, always flexible, always...... but afraid???

And I am led back to that book, the one that reminds me that

"It's not about what you've done. It's about what you're going to do now."