A year of realizations, revelations, and reminders

As the year draws to a close I think back to how the year began. I began this blog with a letter I had written to and for myself. It was written because I needed it to be recorded, because I needed to remember.

That is what I love most about writing here. It's a place to come and write down the things that need... must be remembered.

As I think back over this year I see a constant struggle. Months where I completely trusted Him with no hesitation. Then there were months I didn't even search for His voice. Over the last few months I finally recognized this and searched for reasons why.

I think I found it.

Words have not yet been formed into sentences for me to write on this reason but I think that is because I still do not know the depth of it.

I recently took some time to reread that letter I had written this time last year. Lots of memories came flowing in, memories of pain, confusion, and loneliness. The way I learned so many of those lessons are very vivid in my memory and it took me a little while to get through it.

The past year has been very different from the previous one. It has been the year of realizations, revelations, and reminders. Throughout the year I have seen very little growth and for a while I felt guilty about this, then I realized that what the Lord has been doing is pruning. He has been cutting here and cutting there the things in my life that have...  that are slowing me down.

First I realized that the whole thing about God doing His best in you when are at the end of yourself is true, however you must empty yourself of yourself daily. Being empty is not a one time process, and it is amazing how quickly I am at filling up on myself.

I realized that last year was a year full of lessons on grace, and so was this year.

He revealed to me that while  last year I did a good job listening to this advice: you can ask God why... just don't get stuck there; however this year I got stuck.... a lot.... a WHOLE lot.

I realized that I still struggle with what it means to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. Day after day, night after night, He encourages me, sends His words to surround me, and yet I still have days when I feel unable, alone, and weak.

He revealed to me that I still have problems with the word trust.

I realized that I need Him more than I realize.

I remembered that I am forgiven.

I remembered that grace came free of charge, no strings attached, and on the house. Although I failed to give it that way enough.

He revealed that grace is one of those things that will take a lifetime to grasp... not just a year.

He revealed to me that writing is good for the soul.

I realized that giving thanks will change the way you see Him.

I once again remembered that He is faithful even though I am not.

And I realized just how blessed I am to be apart of this bloggy world that is full of amazing, faith-filled people like you that He uses to encourage and strengthen my faith.

Reckless Abandonment

Lying in bed, thinking about Him, searching for ways to be closer… to better know who He is.

I read from His book but still want more… my eyes move to the bookcase across the room.

I make my way and run my hands over all the different spines that fill the shelves. So many choices…..so many voices…..so many words.

Words….I’m so consumed with words. With the power that they have.

I search for words….words from one who has walked before me, from one who is far wiser then I could ever hope to be, one who might shed light on a part of Him that I have yet to find.

My hands stop, hover over a worn copy of a book. One that was given to me in the first few years of my journey here in the real world, in a world that often takes the unexpected turns, in a world where the only way to true happiness is found in the One who is the definition of happiness.

I am not yet ready to share the name of this book...maybe sometime soon...maybe far in the future…..maybe never unless asked.

I carry it back to the bed with me, open the cover and read the note from the wise women who so graciously made it a point to give it to me. The words turn blurry through my tear-filled eyes as I feel His arms wrap around me in a way that is unexplainable. He sends comfort to me in my most favorite way….through words.

Reckless abandonment

Those are the words that He speaks….

Reckless abandonment

That is what He wants from me.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.

Recklessly follow Me….recklessly love Me….recklessly leave behind all that you know, all that is comfortable, all that is normal, all that you think will fulfill you.
Leave it all

All of it?

Yes, all of it.

I want it all….all your hopes, all your dreams, all your desires…..all your plans.

I am all you have ever hoped for….I will make your dreams come true….I will fulfill your deepest desires….and I will make all your plans.

But to do so means giving up everything.

Everything

“A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to ‘accept’ Christ without forsaking the world.” A.W. Tozer

Following Him with reckless abandonment requires forsaking the world and all that it has to offer.

So few truly understand that following Him cannot be done half-heartedly. He will not be satisfied with just a part of you...He wants all or nothing.

Giving up everything to Him means that I must die….and death is painful.

He promises life, life abundantly. The dreams, the desires, the plans that He offer’s are worth that painful death.

Its not just a religion to follow.

No, He wants more from you then just some religious acts. He wants your heart...my heart.

He wants me to recklessly abandon everything.... and follow Him.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me."

Matthew 16:24

Jesus is not crazy

I babysit this sweet little 5 yr old 2 nights a week. Her mommy does not know Him and lives a life full of darkness. I get to love on her little girl, take her to church, and tell her about her Father who loves her. I get to pray over her, with her, and plant seed after seed in her little heart. She loves AWANA'S and I can't even begin to tell you just how important Wed are to her... to me as I care for her. There is not much in this world as precious as a little one reciting words... but not just any words... His Words.

Words are powerful... as I writer I am well aware of this fact, and so are many of you.

His words are powerful but more importantly they are life changing.

Today they might not mean anything to this little girl... but He says that if you hide His word in your heart then He will make it a lamp to your path.

My prayer is of course that through Sparks this little one will come to know Him as her personal Savior... that she will grasp as much as she can the greatness of His love.

I also pray that one day... maybe a long time from now... maybe not....

That one day, when she is older... when she is lost... when she doesn't know which way is up.... when she feels lonely... sad... or unloved....

That on that day she will remember the Words memorized so long ago at the tender age of 5 that He is mighty in power. That for He so LOVED the world that He sent His son. That He loves her. That in her darkest hour it is His light that provides the way out.

She may not ever remember the name of her babysitter but I pray that she reminders that babysitters God.

This sweet little girl already knows that God is great, the maker of all things. She already knows that He loves her and that He made her to be sooooo special. Sparks has been a great tool for us to talk to about the concept of sin and last night we had a great conversation about why Jesus had to die.

Just this morning on the way to meeting her mommy we had this conversation.

Me- "Dually (my roommates dog) is crazy!!"
5 yr old- (laughing) "Yes he is!!"
Me- "And so are we!!"
5yr old- "Yep, we sure are!!"
   - long pause -
5 yr old- "Jesus isn't crazy. God isn't crazy."
Me- "Your right He's not."
5 yr old- "Nope, God is wise."

Theses words warmed my heart. I think that God has some special plans for this little girl.

Unwanted lesson

Sitting in church, listening.... struggling. The pastor says words that do not sit well within this rebellious and wretched person.

Words... questions that challenge who I am and who I want to be.

Do you ever give God advice on what He should do with your life?

I grimace, hide my eyes and inside I fill with shame. The answer is of course yes, far more often then I'd like to admit.

Then something stirs within and I hear a quiet yet clear voice.... how often do you get mad when I don't listen to your advice?

Ouch.... ok Father, you got me, right where You want me... right where I need to be.

I'm listening even though the words hurt, even though the lesson is unwanted.

The pastor preaches on, reminding me of truths I know, truths that are at the core of who I am.

I am most satisfied when I am satisfied in Him. The happiest I will ever be, is right where He wants me.

Not where I want to be.

No greater joy can be found then that which is found when I am at the center of His will... when He is the center of my life.

I ask Him for forgiveness... I don't like being outside His will. I desperately want Him to be what my life is centered around.

Father forgive me when I fail you, forgive me when I think I know best. Thank you for extending great mercy upon one who deserves nothing but Your wrath.