Drastic changes part 2

Singleness has been a struggle for me for some years now and last year when I moved to my current house and prayed about training and showing my young horse I very much felt that this was the direction God wanted me to go down.... I am also very certain that going down this path meant that I would be single for a few more years, many tears were shed but I said ok, and I chose to follow Him down this path. I used to pray that God would just take away the desire until He was ready to fulfill it (wish life worked that way) but I don't pray that way any more.... I know better. Instead I pray for the strength to endure and also that He would give me other things to think about.

Well for the past month He has done just that and that particular struggle has been far more manageable. So much that I didn't even realize that I wasn't struggling with it. When it dawned on me last week, I started praying immediately and thanked Him, then I asked the why and how questions (that's the philosopher in me). The past few weeks had been so peaceful. And I think that a large part of it was that I was not spending an enormous amount of time with this group of people. This shocked me as in the past when I have had weeks away from them my walk was usually worse off as these friends are one of the tools that God has always used to keep me on "track" and encourage me. They have very much been a rock for me in the past and so I was very confused.

Of course I prayed and asked for clarity and it came in form of a coffee date with one of those friends. She is so precious to me and I am so thankful for a friend that I can be completely honest with without worries of what she will think. She knows my heart and is a great soundboard: ) So I came to her with this issue and she just listened. She knows how hard the past few months have been and through it all has stuck with me and sought me out when I retreated.

The more I talked about it.... the more I prayed about it..... it made sense. And then I spent time with the group for the first time in a long time and on the way home I knew what He was saying. Change is hard and often uncomfortable but that doesn't mean it is wrong.

You see in our group... and I am only talking in regards to the girls.... there are several single guys in the group but I personally do not see it appropriate to talk about such matters of the heart with the opposite sex (too many dangers there that are not worth taking). In our group of friends that meet together regularly I am the only single person. I used to never really notice it but lately I have. I notice that I really don't fit into the conversations anymore. As we sit around and talk about our week, theirs consist of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, finding little time to sleep, little time to do other things. My week consists of sitting in front of this computer, calling customers about insurance, and running a farm. Their struggles are finding balance between kids and husbands, work schedules and family time. My struggles are dealing with a 5 month old puppy and his chewing stage and trying to decide how best to use my evenings, riding or building fences.

I know that there is nothing wrong with what I do, or how I spend my time but when your friends are talking about the stress of dealing with a toddler, and while a 5 month old puppy and a toddler do have things in common, it doesn't sound good to compare the two. And conversations about horses and dogs seem trivial compared to talks about the difficulties in marriage. And usually the phrase... "You'll understand one day" gets thrown in a time or two, and that frustrates me and I usually end up finding a kid or two to do something with at that point.

And then I read this article Monday morning from incourage and I realized that when I was around them as a group (things are great one-on-one) I put on a mask. I pretend to be ok just sitting on the outside looking in, I smile and nod my head in agreement to their comments (as if I understand what it is like to live with a man). Trust me it's just easier to nod and smile like you do. Realizing this frustrated me because I am not a person who wears a mask often and here I am with people I look to most often and I have a mask on. It makes me take some steps back and really think about things.

While I do not think nor will I cease to be apart of this group of friends I do think that taking a few steps back is the right thing to do. God has been so gracious to put some great people in my path recently that have really encouraged me and they are completely unrelated to this group. I also learned in the past week that a very good friend from early college days has moved back and lives just down the street.... She is a strong believer and loves horses like I do. While she is not single, her husband is deployed leaving her with two small children all by herself. I do not think that this is a coincident at all. I think God is making some changes in my life that are quite drastic and slightly uncomfortable and He is asking me to just hold on. I have no idea what direction that will be and who will be apart of it... for that matter I'm not really sure where I am going with this post either : ) But I know it feels good to write about it and maybe one of you can relate, offer advice, or just needed a laugh.

One thing I know is that life is full of seasons and while they may look different or take us down a path we didn't anticipate God will never leave us to fend for ourselves. He takes care of those He loves and if He leads us down a path you can be certain that it worth going down.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Drastic changes part 1

Sorry for the lack of writing this month.... There are some things that God is teaching me that are complicated. I can't tell you how many drafts I have in my posting section. Some topics just don't yet make sense in writing and some are subjects that need to be written carefully. And then there are some that just don't come out right. So bare with me over the next few weeks and pray that God will bring clarity on these teachings... I really need it.

One of the difficult things about these lessons is that they are mostly about my friendships and their impact on my spiritual health. Usually when God brings things to mind I talk it over with several different close friends... talking helps me sort things out, after all things can sound great in your head but then you say them and you realize that its crazy or the light bulb comes on:-)

The problem is.... some of the things God is revealing is about them.

The last month has flown by and I am pretty sure that I have lost an entire month of my life without realizing it. I seriously don't remember much of April and May... Is it already May??? Oh, wait, June starts next week.... AGH!!!!!! Where has this year gone?? I feel like I am just now recovering from Christmas and now summer is here???

That being said the past month has been unusual. I have not seen many of my good friends and life has just kept us all very busy.... meanwhile some new friends have crept in and time got away. Early last week I realized that I had not seen a few of my good friends in at least three weeks which shocked me as we rarely go 7 days without at least catching up through texting... but even that had not happened.

But something else hit me too..... you know that one thing I struggle with.... that thing called singleness.... well it hasn't reared its ugly head in awhile..... so I got-to-thinking (uh oh).

What was different about the past few weeks? The one thing that stuck out was my time away from this group of people. Now I just want you to know that I do not think that there is any person that is responsible for my struggles, they are mine.... and I alone make them smaller then they should be or larger then they should be. However when we are struggling in an area I do not think that it is always a bad idea to make some changes that might make that struggle easier to deal with. There are definitely times when we need to face situations and deal with the struggle head on and that is my usual approach. However for several months I had dealt with this issue head on with no change and then all of a sudden there was a drastic change.


*this post got really long so I broke it up into 2 parts... come by tomorrow to read part 2

Stumbling but never falling

The battle rages on and I hear of a brother who, like me, is fighting that hard fight of wanting what you can't have.

Wanting what you know won't fulfill but craving it still. 

The words that I hear others say don't sit well... and I realize how quickly we forget just how hard the battle is when we aren't fighting it.

A text is sent to that brother and he, like me admits that he is living the no and admits that he knows better. Yet that flesh rages hard and he is drawn to the dark.

I don't give him a lecture, like I'm sure everyone else does, after all who am I to lecture a rebel.

Instead I let him know that he is not alone is his fight... that all of us have been there, and will be there.

Rebellion manifest itself differently in each of us but essentially it is the same battle.... to want what we can't have.... to believe a lie that He withholds good from us... and that we are better off without Him. And from the outside it sounds ridiculous, after all who are we to think that the Almighty doesn't know better, and who are we that we deserve any good.

But when the flesh rages our minds are corrupted, lies take root, and they impair any rational thinking.

It is so unlike me to not have advice to give.... to not know the answer.... but maybe that is where He wants me. To realize that I don't have any answers, that it's not my place to have the answers, and as desperate as I am for answers there aren't any. And that maybe the place He wants me at is at a stand still... to realize that my life is nothing, that I cannot exist without Him.

So I end the conversation with a brother with no sound advice... no words of wisdom on how to get back on his feet.... but I reminded him that he is loved.... and that he is wanted. And there is one thing I know and that is that running doesn't work.... it is far better to fight, even if it means fighting against the very force that gives you breath. And I tell him to come back to us and to show his face... but he says he doesn't want to be fake, to pretend that everything is alright when what he did last night was so wrong.

Isn't that what the enemy wants... for us to think that what we did last night was worse then what our friends did last night, and that if we show our face to them that they will see through the facade and see the selfishness and ugliness that really makes up who we are?

We forget that the blood didn't just wash away our past but it washes away our future.... that never again are we seen as ugly.... no matter what we did last night. Once we are covered we are covered, and nothing we can do will ever change that.

We forget that real living means living the yes... even when we feel dirty. After all everyone of us did something last night that we shouldn't have. We all struggle, we all mess up, we are all sinners.

And even now as I sit her and write this He reminds me that we all struggle. The phone vibrates and an email is received.... a verse sent to my inbox at just the right moment.

Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.

Psalm 37:24

Yes we will stumble, we will fail, we will feel defeated. But we will never fall. We will never be cast away from the One who loves. He holds our hand. Even when we stumble, even when we pull away, He holds on tight. There is no way to escape Him, no words can make Him loosen His grip..... and I sure am thankful for that.

A long overdue post

Snow came and covered the earth in a thick layer of sparkling white glitter. Usually this brings happiness to my soul and the days are spent sipping hot coffee and immersed in a good book, however the past few weeks have been hard. The snow days which confined me to a house made it even worse. Then came that birthday... the one that will forever serve as a reminder that it is the Lord that directs my steps. Then tax season hit and work has been insanely busy.

Needless to say I have had no desire to write and absolutely no time to write.

Sunday a dear friend took me on a coffee date for my birthday. Words cannot express just how much we both needed this date. We sat and sipped yummy starbucks for well over three hours, then took the conversation back to her house. I love this friend and cannot imagine how I would get by without her. She is a blessing from above and I pray I never take her friendship for granted.

She is the one person I know who is a great listener and knows when I need to just vent without receiving a lecture yet will give me one when I need it. In our conversation we both realized that though our situations are very different we are struggling in similar ways.

I have struggled recently with talking with a few of the friends that I usually talk with because both are the lecture types. I am very grateful to have three Godly women who know me as well as they do and are willing to speak truth even when it is/can be hurtful. However the place I am at is a fragile one. I know what is right, I know my attitude is bad, and I know how to fix it. And honestly a lecture isn't going to tell me anything I don't already know nor is it going to make me change anything. Being told constantly to fix my attitude gets old and makes me not want to be around those that are doing the lecturing.

My sweet coffee friend is in the same spot. I know that God takes us through seasons to teach us valuable lessons, and not all those seasons are enjoyable. The one I am currently in certainly has amazing things about it but overall it is very hard. I don't want advice, I don't want a lecture, I don't want to be told if-I-were-you-then-I-would....... I just want to be left alone with my thoughts, my struggles. The only one who can truly fix my attitude is God and believe me I get stern lectures all the time from Him. I'm not ignoring His instruction, I'm not shutting the door to His plans, but I am having a hard time with them. I have come to realize that as His child I am allowed to question Him, I am allowed to not like His instructions, and I am allowed to have negative feelings toward Him. What matters is my actions. I can question Him, but I still have to listen. I can not like His instructions but I still have to obey. I can have negative feelings but I still have to fight for joy.

And be assured that I am fighting. It is no coincidence that a book on gratitude by a treasured blogger just came out, and that it is the book the book club I participate in is reading through. I don't have the option of putting it down. It also serves as a daily reminder to keep counting.

#596-614

Moonlight reflecting on horse trough

Older siblings helping younger ones find the Scripture during church

Coffee date with a friend

Coffee

Warm weather

Trail rides with the old friend

Good training with the young one

Seeing and feeling the young one improve in such a short time

A sweet date on valentine's day with my nephew

A day at the zoo with that nephew

A week that begins with a nephew date and also ended with a nephew date

Watching his eyes light up at the sight of all the animals

Piling on abed with four sisters and singing songs to Jesus before tucking them in

Daffodils given by a Sunday school student

Waking up every morning and seeing those Daffodils

Evidence that spring is almost here

The anticipation of planting flowers :-)

Gearing up for planting a huge garden

Knowing that I am not forsaken

The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31:8

New Friend Friday

It is absolutely gorgeous here in AR today. We finally have some relief from the horrible heat that seemed to never end. This 90 degree weather feels a bit chilly compared to the 100+ temps that we have been experiencing. The only problem is I'm stuck in the office:-( I don't mind being stuck inside when the temp is boiling (literally) hot but when its feels perfect... not so much.

So random, spontaneous news just came in.... a friend needs someone to ride with her to AL. It would be a 12 hour round trip. Leave this evening after I get off and get back in time for the Charlie Hall concert tomorrow at 6:-) sounds crazy!!! First thing... got to see if bosses daughter can cover for me tomorrow as I am supposed to be working. Fingers crossed-praying silently-secretly jumping up and down at the very possibility.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE road trips?? Maybe love isn't strong enough. Road trips are one oh my fav things to do. I love to see the country... to ride with the windows down.... to listen to music and sing at the top of my lungs:-) And a road trip with 2 friends make it even better. When I lived in VA for the year I went to grad school I would make the 12 hour trip home often. In fact that first semester I came home at least once a month if not more... my baby brother was a senior and first year starting kicker for the varsity football team... and of course had to make it to a few Razorbacks game:-) So.... needless to say I want to go on this trip super bad!!!! All this moving has made me a little stressed and a road-trip is the perfect cure. 

Blessings from above

So I am sitting here at the lot catching up on my blog reading and wondering what I shall write about next. You see usually I come to this place with a head full of ideas, but today not so much. I feel as though for the past few weeks I've been living on auto-pilot. As if I am watching my life go by instead of living in each moment. Summer has been slightly crazy and already so full I' m not quite sure how I'm going to do everything. I figure that's a problem to have.... I'd much rather have too much to do rather then too little.

Last night we kicked off our summer kids program at church. What a blessing the whole day turned out to be. I volunteered along with a few other people to help make the set for the event. It was so much fun... I think my sister's creativity is beginning to rub off on me:) It turned out really good... much better then I thought it would be. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it here so you can see it.

I am once again just amazed at the blessings that God has sent my way. I never ever thought I would fall in love with church again. Too many bridges burned there I thought. I have never completely stopped going, however the motivation was more along the lines of my obedience then out of love for the church body. A while back a professor reminded me of a truth I knew deep down but had forgotten about: it's not about what the church can do for you, it's about what you can do for the church. I wrestled for awhile with that statement, not because I thought it was false but because I wanted it to be false. Those days I am sad to say were days wrapped up in self and not in the Father.

One of the things that God has shown me since my breakup is to empty myself of me.... which I have spent much time talking about here in older posts. I will admit that one of the reasons why I chose to get involved in the children's ministry at  church had some very selfish reasons but I also like to think that God was pushing me into an area of selflessness. I was looking for a way out of the Sunday school class that I was in, partly because it was a college class (which is hard to be in when you are out of college) and mostly because my ex was there every week. They just so happened to need a teacher for the 8-10 yr old class. I don't think that was just a coincidence. It was planned out in advance by my Father who knew just what I needed in order to fall back in love with the institution of the church.

I am so thankful that He did what He needed to do to get me back to this place. It amazes me just how lost I can get in my own self and the misery that goes along with that. I often wonder how we can be so settled and so peaceful in God's will yet struggle to stay there. Why do ever leave that place? What causes me to think that there is any peace or joy outside of His will? Why do I constantly fight what seems like the same battle over and over again?

On another note.... let me tell you about the beautiful blessings of late.

First off I finally mustered up enough courage to ask an old friend over for dinner. It had been too long... partly my pride... partly being too busy... partly who knows what. I am so glad that I did. We talked for hours.... till 1 am and laughed and cried and had a wonderful time renewing a friendship that thankfully was lost only for a season.

Next has to do with making new friends. Yesterday I made 2:) Both go to my church, one for along time and one just decided to call Grace home. On one hand I'm pretty proud that I had the courage to initiate conversations with both. I often am not one to seek out people but this new found confidence I have has helped me to step out of my comfort zone. One of these girls seems to be an answer to prayer. I have been asking for some more single friends for awhile.... after all I can only handle my married friends for so long. Not because there is anything wrong with them it just makes me feel as though I am missing out on something and makes finding joy in my singleness even harder. 

I am not sure what God plans on doing with me this summer but I am anticipating a crazy one. One full of memories, laughs, tears, questions, hopefully some answers, and I'm sure more waiting.... lessons in sitting still.

Better than a Hallelujah

Bek shared this song with me the other day and I have been unable to get it out of my mind since. It's called Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant. The chorus goes like this:

We just pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah

I find these words very comforting. I wish that I could stay at a place where the only feeling, the only words that come out of my mouth are full of joy, buts that's not the way life works. I am so thankful that God thinks my tears are just as beautiful as my songs.

My most recent quiet times have been spent studying the life of David. As I read through the events that took place in his life I began to wonder why it is that this man is considered a man after God's own heart. If you have ever read the story of David's life it is a messed up story. David was an adulterer, a murder, and failed miserably as a parent. He often followed his flesh and over and over again failed to be the leader he should of been for the nation of Israel. He constantly made the choice to ignore God, yet God Himself says that this is a man after His own heart. Why? How could God describe a man like this as a man after His own heart? His life sure doesn't resemble the picture I have in my mind of a man after God's heart.

I think that the answer is in the above song. If you read through the Psalms of David you will see a man who was a sinner, who messed up time and time again. He never claims to be better than anyone, never describes himself as perfect, never even claims that he is a worthy example of a follower of God. The picture that David paints of himself in the Psalm's is one of humility, and repentance. There is a honest plea to God for salvation. He constantly admits his failures and we see in him a true repentance of his sins.

Sure God loves to hear us worship Him and joyfully sing praises to His name but I think that it pleases Him just as much to catch our tears. After all broken hearts often make us easier to mold. It is when we reach that breaking point, the point where we cannot move without His hand on us that we allow God to do His greatest work in us. God does His greatest work in us when we are at the end of ourselves. It is this process of emptying ourself that God desires the most, and this process is often full of tears and broken hearts.

Freedom

If I had to sum up the past month in one word then freedom is the word I would choose. In the last three or so weeks I have fought, struggled, and wrestled with God on a many of different issues. There have been many tears shed, many hours of sleep lost, hours spent in the Word and twice as many hours in prayer. A few weeks ago I was talking with my dear friend Bekah about a rather interesting topic and she said some very wise words to me. I will not go into the details of everything as some things are not meant to be posted for all eyes to see. However you can know that I was very much on the fence concerning this issue. On one hand I was ready to move forward yet on the other hand I was scared to death and desperately wanted to run far away for the issue.

So I am sitting at her apartment complaining about the predicament that I was in when she stopped me. She said to me in a very calm and loving voice, "Kat you've asked God for this and when He finally said, 'okay,' you shoved it in His face and said, 'no, thanks, I don't really want this.'" Those words hit me like a slap in the face. That is exactly what I had been doing. I had been praying and asking God for several weeks for an answer to a question and I'm pretty sure the answer had been in front on me for quite some time. I just wasn't ready to receive it. As if I was expecting Him to say no, and when He said yes I was in denial.

So many times I spend far too much time talking and not enough time listening. If only I could learn to be still more often. I left her house that night with an overwhelming sense of peace. The answer to that question and my choice to follow God on the issue was the final step to a freedom that I was in dire need of.

Last night I was over at my friend Tracy's house for our weekly prayer time that we have started and she and I talked about this new freedom I have found. It amused me how her and her husband just laughed at my choice to move forward with this freedom and embrace it. That's what God wants us to do with the freedom He gives us... embrace it and allow it to change us. There is so much joy to be found in freedom. We have no need to run from it. God loves His children and when He says that He cares about our every need He means it. He finds great joy in giving us things that make us happy.

I often find it hard to receive His blessings.. that I think was the issue that kept me in bondage. I did not think that I was worthy, and still don't, of the road God was and is leading me down. Even now I find it hard to believe that God is saying yes, I can walk this way. This Sunday I finally said, okay. I committed myself to the road... to go wherever the journey may lead me. My Father is in control, I have no need to worry about my safely. Sure there might be some unexpected turns, maybe even a few logs to jump over. I know there will be many times when I am going to try and turn back. But, Sunday I held onto His hand and followed the road. Yesterday, I held onto His hand and followed the road. Today, I am holding onto His hand and following the road. My plan is to wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day to do the exact same thing. It's a daily battle. One that I will have to fit every morning. The enemy will attack me, often. I must remain on my guard at all times.

If I told you that this choice was not scary I would be lying. This choice, at this point in my life is terrifying to me. There are some deep wounds that I have suffered that have caused me to very cautious in certain areas of my life. It's okay to be cautious and to guard my heart. However, my cautiousness cannot be allowed to interfere with my trust in God. At the end of the day I must be willing to fully rely on Him to lead me even if the way ahead looks dangerous.