He won't leave me alone

Remember this verse from yesterday?

Blessed is the man who listens to Me,

Watching daily at My doors,

Waiting patiently at my doorway.

Proverbs 8:34

It's on my mind... working on my heart... haunting me... convicting me...

He won't leave me alone.

I run.

I hide.

I fight.

I argue.

He's still there. Never goes... it is I that leaves the safety of His arms

Why? Good question. I have no good answer. My flesh is oh so strong and lately it's voice loud. His voice is soft, yet consistent. Always there, whispering the same words over and over.

"I love you. Listen to Me. Wait on Me. Trust Me. I love you, and I have plans for you. Mighty plans. Your mine and I will never leave nor forsake you. Trust Me. Wait on Me."

"Blessed is the man"

I want to be blessed. 

The problem is I want what I want. I forget that His idea of blessings and mine are often very different. The thing is... His blessings are always better. His plans are always bigger then mine. At first they might like crazy... even scary, but in the end I'm always glad that He went His way and not mine.

"Who listens to ME,"

Listen. Ha! That is not a strong point in my life. I'm a talker... a thinker... a fixer... a doer. Listening requires stillness and being quiet. I'm pretty sure that is why I'm getting a lesson in waiting. My Father is trying to teach me how to be still. Everything I want to be... a wife... a mother... a teacher... a devoted Christ-follower. All of these require stillness... listening... patience... 

"Watching daily at my doors,"

Daily... in this verse this one word is what He keeps pointing out. Daily. Daily watch. Daily listen. Daily wait. Each day is a new battle. I may have lost the battle yesterday but today I can win. The war is already won. I know how it ends. I know that He will win... has won. But today I must choose to fight the battle. 

Today I will chose to listen... to watch... to wait... to trust in Him.

"Waiting at my doorway."

In the doorway... not in the back or in the dark. In the doorway! There is a plan for my life. There is a purpose. He knows.... not I. It's not my job to plan my steps... that's His job. My job is to wait in the doorway looking out knowing that there is a path. Knowing that my God has a plan. For now I am to stand here... quietly... listening for His voice... waiting on His timing.

For they that wait....

Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

Wait..... sigh..... the one word that I wish He would not say. Yet for some reason, He keeps saying it.... its the same answer every time, for every question. 

Maybe He's trying to teach me something.

Maybe I'm not listening. 

What does it mean to wait? What does it look like? I know what it doesn't look like.

Waiting is not running
Waiting is not an excuse to go a different direction.
Waiting does not mean He has forgotten me.

It simply means to be still and know that He is God.

What does it look like?? 

Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for Him.
Psalm 37:7

My soul waits for the LORD

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Psalm 130:6

Stillness.... Dedication.... Patiently..... Quietly.... Obediently....  and until He says to stop.

Blessed is the man who listens to me,

watching daily at my doors,

waiting at my doorway.

Proverbs 8:34

Listen to ME.... Watch for ME.... Wait for ME.....

Why is it so hard to obey Him?
Why is it so hard to wait?

The reward for waiting is His blessing. What is better then the blessing of my Father? Does He not know better then I? Do I not hear His promises to fulfill the desire of my heart? Do I really think that I know best?

I am desperate to hear His voice.... and then I find this verse.

I wait for You, O LORD;

You will answer, O LORD my GOD.

Psalm 38:15

Sigh.... the answer once again is to wait. 

But... He promises to hear me. He says He will answer me. 

I waited patiently for the LORD;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

Psalm 40:1

I guess my only choice is to sit back and wait. I must stop fighting it. There is no other choice. He has given me no alternative. The answer remains the same. In my prayer time He once again brings back to mind the verse behind this blog.

Yes LORD, 

walking in the way of Your laws, 

I wait for You;

Your name and renown

is the desire of my heart.

Isaiah 26:8

He is the desire of my heart... sadly He often has to remind me. There is nothing this world can offer that satisfies me like He does. So what if I have to wait. At least I am in His arms.  I know that He loves me. I know that He does have plans for my life, and that alone is enough. I don't have to know or understand what they are. I have to trust that He knows best. He will let me know when He is ready... when I am ready. 

For now... I will wait on Him.

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

So we sing a lullaby
To the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set Your heart on fire
Let it set You free
When you're fighting to believe
in a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

Fireflight

He is my bright in dark

It's another rainy day in May.

I know some people cannot stand days like this... it makes them gloomy, and depressed.

Not me

It makes me smile

I love the sound of rain hitting the cars out on the lot.
The way it falls from the sky.
Lightening shooting across the sky... a reminder of the Mighty God I serve.

The past few weeks have been dark. Not the rainy, stormy type of dark that I have grown to love. It's that type of darkness, pitch black, that swallows you whole. That seeks to strangle the life right out of you. This darkness is full of lies, unfulfilled expectations, and loneliness. The type of darkness that has no light at all.

Darkness cannot linger when there is light.

I know the reason for this darkness. Yet it seems so hard to step out of.
I know what must take place to step out... but that first step is painful.

This battle of trusting in the Lord is relentless. It seems that as of late... the dark side has been winning. Today as I look out across the sky I am reminded of my Savior. The one who sends in the rain to make things new. Oh how I need the rain to come. I needed this visual of what God will do in my life... if only I will let Him.

I want to move... I want to make plans... I want... I want.... I want....

And all I get is.... wait.

I don't like this answer... and then I read this quote:

“But it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light.”- Elizabeth Elliot

It is in that complete and all-consuming darkness that He must become my light. 

I will CHOSE to see His light.
I will LIFT up my eyes to Him.

I lift my eyes to the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip

He who watches over you will not slumber.

Psalm 121

  I will pray for the rain to come 

Ask the LORD for rain in the springtime;

it is the LORD who makes the storm clouds.

He gives showers of rain to men,

and plants of the field to everyone.

Zechariah 10:1

I will allow it to change me... to heal me.... to grow me closer to Him.

Only He can send it.

He will send it....

But will I receive it?

He covers the sky with clouds;

He supplies the earth with rain

and makes grass grow on the hills.

Psalm 147:8

I am looking forward to the rain. For I know that once the storm clouds roll through, the sun sill shine like never before. Everything looks, smells, feels, different and clean after the storm. He is that light. He is that cleansing spirit that renews my soul. He is the brightness in my life.

He is like the light at sunrise

on a cloudless morning,

like the brightness after rain

that brings grass form the earth.

2 Samuel 23:4

    

Graduation

Well, I did it... I have graduated. So much happened that I'm not sure where to even begin. The trip was wonderful, lots of time in the car, but I had a great time visiting. It was a place I once called home for a very short season of my life.

Going back was hard... I was reminded of how much I love that place. I really wasn't too excited about coming back here.I keep praying that God will allow me to move back there. There is something so peaceful about that place. I have some amazing friends there that I really miss seeing.

I really do love that University. I am sad that I chose not to stay. I know that I can't go down the "what if" road but it was hard not too while visiting there. There is something about that campus that stirs my soul. I remember stepping out of the building after class, every time I'd stop and take in the beautiful mountains that loom in the background. God is present at that place... He is using that University to change lives, to change the world.

I know I want to go back... I'm not done. I want to stay in school. I can see myself sometime down the road receiving my PhD from that place. First I have to get another MA(: Well see what God says. I've asked to stay in but I'm getting the same answer as to all my other questions..."wait."

Oh how I am growing weary of hearing that word. I know that God is teaching me patience, humility, and trust in this time of my life. But I'd be lying if I said it was easy. Part of why I would love to move is because I am tired of sitting still. For those of you who know me I am a doer. I don't like to sit still and wait. I'm a fixer, this not knowing what the future holds drives me crazy. As I try to reroute my life from the place God has placed me I am once again reminded of the words of Isaiah... and I let out a sigh, bow my head and let it go. I know that what He has is store is far better then what I could plan on my own.

So I wait.

Isaiah 40:31

  But those who wait on the LORD
      Shall renew their strength;
      They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
      They shall run and not be weary,
      They shall walk and not faint.