Why?

I'm reading a book.

And this book is tearing me apart. I haven't picked it up in weeks yet it still rips and pulls and it's uncovering the ugly. And I don't like what lies beneath so I keep covering it back up and the Spirit keeps uncovering. Uncovering it in ways that leave me naked and exposed to the ugliness that the evil one loves to shame us into covering.

It's a rather silly struggle. It's a struggle with the One who already sees and He already knows what it is that I won't type. And He sees it for all the ugliness that it is yet He is still here and He was here yesterday and He will be here tomorrow and the next day and the day after that for all of eternity. You can't run Him off and you can't hide and you can't tell Him to go away.

Because deep down you don't want Him to leave..... but then again deep down you really want Him to leave.

Because He is so holy and I am so unworthy and how.... why.... why does the One so holy so desperately want to be with someone so unworthy? Why does He find me worth seeking after and why don't I desire to seek after Him? Why do I think running is safer? Why do I follow in Adams footsteps, thinking it's better to cover my nakedness then stand exposed to the very one who knitted me together and called me by name and breathed life into my lungs and sees all the scars and all the ugliness and all the shame yet calls me beloved and His treasured possession? And why would He send His only Son to save a wretch such as me? Why? Why chase after a lamb that is always running away? 

Because He is the I AM who created me and knitted me together for His glory and for His purpose. He is the One that is Holy, set apart, yet He desires to be with me a wretched human for whom He gave His only Son so that I might be saved from my wretched self and walk with Him. 

Surrender

It's easy when you walk on the shore.... when life goes as planned. When you can see the hand that holds you and the Sonset in all His glory.

It's when the storm comes in and sweeps you out into the unkown and the whole world starts to spin. And the unknown lasts for days and weeks and months and seems to have no end. It's when the dark begins to seep through your pores and drag you under and you can't find your way back up. It's the not seeing the hand, not seeing the light that is the most frightening.

But just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there.
It's the storm and the dark and the unknowns that lead to surrender.
And isn't that the ultimate end.... to surrender it all?

When I am on the shore, surrender is easy and the cost is cheap.
But when the storm comes and waves are overhead, surrender is hard and costly.

But why? Why is it easier to trust when on the shore? Why is it that when the unknowns creep in that the walls go up? And that's when it is hard to let go and let the I AM be. To trust when the road ahead can't be seen or goes on without end. That's when surrender hurts.

But so did the nails.... the ultimate surrender wasn't pretty and it wasn't without pain and it wasn't quick. It was messy and bloody and lonely and went on and on and on. The ultimate surrender ultimately ended in death. And death isn't pretty and it smells foul and looks ugly and who really wants to die and go into the ground?

But the ultimate surrender lead to the ultimate prize. Out of the mess and the blood and the pain and the isolation came grace and mercy and love that conqueres death for all of eternity.

Surrender leads to life. A life more glorious then one could ever imagine. Because the One who is I AM makes beauty from ashes and loves to lavish upon those whom He loves. His plans are greater then ours and bigger then ours and who are we to stand in His way?

Storms

The days have been long.

The days have been dark.

Rain has poured, thunder has rolled through and lightening has struck with the intention to cause as much harm as possible.

Relationships are torn, emotions gain the upper hand and darkness has covered the land.

The Son is covered, roads are washed out. Trees, whose roots run deep, are snapped in two. And as the roots that once held the soil in its place are torn free a mass of earth races down and covers the land.

Vision is lost and hope is grim.

Yet there is hope.

Those washed out roads..... new ones can be built that lead to new places.

And trees...... well they can be replanted. New roots will form to hold together the soil and life will spring up from the displaced soil.

The Son... while it may be covered.... it is still there..... it is always there.

See that's the thing about storms..... they always seek to destroy. But the Son is always there, only hidden by clouds. It will be uncovered and it will bring forth new life. The storm.... well the storm eventually dies because it cannot out last the Son.

Radically.... or normal???

There's been a struggle... ever since I came back from that place which now holds a very large section of my heart.

I can't run away from it.... and He won't leave it alone.

Particularly the last few days.

I wake up and pray like crazy all the way to work.

Then at lunch , there it is in my inbox, a post about the very struggle.

I share with a co-worker... who happens to be struggling too.

This idea that radical faith...... that, well, it really isn't so radical. Its the NORM.

Because a life transformed by the love of a God who so loved that He gave.... He gave.... so we too should give.

And if He gave His one and only... shouldn't we give Him our everything?

That maybe, since our lives have been transformed... that we should look, and act, and see differently.

So differently that to those in the dark our way seems foreign.... and maybe a tad uncomfortable.

Why do we look at those who give, who sacrifice for the needy, who actually live as though the words He wrote are true.... why do we look at them and call them radical? Is that not how Jesus said we should live? Is that not the way it should be for each of us?

 Or is that one of those not-to-be-talked-about subjects among those living a comfortable life sitting in a church pew talking about those radical people who have such amazing faith?

And what about me? Am I one sitting in the pew or am I one who stands out? Do I live the Word? Do I live what I read or do I simply tuck it away for a rainy day or for when it suits me or for when I have time?

Do I read the words and live as if He really does exists?

Do we read the words in Matthew 7 and just not understand or rather do we ignore it because the truth of those words make us realize that our life should look different then it currently does?

Because the Lord is very clear that the road is narrow and the gate is small... only a few find it.

Praise in sorrow

The funeral was hard... Beautiful and yet ugly all at the same time.

The hurting hearts and the tears flowed and not a dry eye could be found. As brothers stood and laid out their hearts.... wide open for all the see. They shared memories of the past and hurts of the future.

Then the sisters stood and read words that went straight to the heart. Words that touched, words that stirred and encouraged and challenged. Words that broke my heart and challenged my heart all in the same moment.

The pastor spoke and reminded us that even in times of great sorrow He must be acknowledged and He must be trusted and He must be praised.

Then pictures and memories filled the screen and there were smiles and laughs and tears and a mom and a dad broken beyond belief and brothers trying to remain strong and sisters not knowing what to feel and friends mourning a loss and hurting for the ones that are without.

A hug to the youngest sister breaks my heart in two as she clings to me and as her tears flow yet once again unable to control them. Oh how my heart hurts for her.

What to do after a time like that is hard to know. A gathering with friends brings healing to souls. We sit and stare not knowing what to say to each other. Some cry, some hold. A game is played and laughter is heard. Talk of upcoming events starts to bring back smiles. We end with a guitar and broken hearts lift up their voices in praise to the One who heals, who comforts, who restores and who renews.



He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Isaiah 40:29

He is

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,  though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

Psalm 46:1-3

The earth sends rain. Sometimes it trickles down slowly, other times it rages down with a vengeance.

This world that we live in is a cruel place and our enemy is not asleep.

Sometimes he attacks quietly and in ways that often go unnoticed. Other times he sneaks up behind you and stabs you in the back, seeking to suck the very life out of you in one big swoop.

Thankfully the Father is there, there to bind up our wounds and wipe away our tears. 

He grieves alongside and holds the weary when they can't pick themselves up.

He stands in the midst of a group of youth as the tears fall and the hugs go around and when all they know is to hold each other while crying out to the One who hears all and is all and who understand all even when we don't. He sits in the room with the family who has lost the son... the brother... the friend and grieve a life gone way before it should of been. He is there amongst it all because He is God and He is and He has been and He always will be.

And sometimes that is all we know.... that God is God.

And it has to be enough because it is enough.

It is enough to know that the Almighty God is here and is in all things. Even if/when we don't understand He is. 

We were never promised an easy life, nor were we promised a life without pain and sorrow. But we are promised that we will never walk through a single second of it alone.

He is our refuge and He is our strength and He is our God.

My "end of the year" post

This year has completely flown by. When the year began I had just started a new job and was a little skeptical of this "career" path The Lord had placed me on. I survived my first tax season and settled into a summer of busyness.

Summer flew by and I somehow ended up in a country that if you had told me back in January I was going to visit I would have laughed at you.

Now here am at the end of the year and all can think about it returning to that beautiful country full of amazing people who yearn to know God more.

I have no clue what this year will bring. The older I get the more I realize that what I think will happen most likely will not. After all I am not in the driver seat and I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

I do know that as of today I am planning a trip back to Africa.... Hopefully this time for several months and to a couple of different countries. The Lord may never have me move there but let me tell you that it is what I want to do and if He does call I will be ready.

The teens that I am working with at my church want to go and I will do whatever It takes to get them there. I cant begin to describe to you just how much a trip to this country will change you, it shows you a side of our Father that you can't possibly see here in America. We have several HUGE fundraisers in the works and I have no clue how they will happen as tax season is about to descend upon me and I will have no time but I do know that this is what I am supposed to be doing so somehow The Lord will give me the strength and the people to make it l happen.

I am amazed at what The Lord has done to my heart in the last few months. I am also amazed at how quickly He can change the desires of my heart. As I look over the path my life has taken in the last few years I can so see the Masters hand in every bit of it. The turns I took that at the time made no sense make sense now, or at least of few of them do:) what an awesome example and reminder that The Lord truly does work for good the plans of those that love Him.

Broken to make us whole

Brokenness... not really something that anyone can honesty say that the enjoy.

I usually love this time of the year, but honestly this year its been hard.

My heart is broken... broken because of the things that I have seen, broken because of the lessons that I have learned.

He broke me on that short trip I recently took to a country far, far away. He broke me when I came home and He broke me last week while driving home and He keeps on chipping away.

He pokes and prods at my heart and refuses to let my heart forget what my eyes have seen.

I gather with believers and sing beautiful words and break the bread in humble thanksgiving to the One who does the the breaking of hearts.

I struggle with the brokenness but as I sing and as I break the bread how can I run from this?

He came knowing that in the end He would be broken..... a humble little baby entered this world for one purpose..... to be broken.... to be broken so that we may be whole.

Without the breaking... without the blood..... there is no need for a manger.

 And oh how thankful I am for the manger. For the little baby born so that He might grow up strong to die broken on a bloody cross so that I could be made whole.

A trip to Africa

It was just a few weeks ago..... yet it feels like it was just yesterday that I sat on dirty floors and held the hands of those that had runny noses, dirty feet, and hungry tummy's.

I watched as little girls, still babies themselves, took care of their baby siblings.

I felt the warmth of their hands as they linked their fingers in mine, and as they clung to my arms as I held them.

I remember the tears that flowed that night when so many gave their life to a Savior who cares for them.

I see those sweet faces that eyes lit up as they heard the story, for the first time, about a little shepherd boy who trusted in a big God and defeated a giant that everyone else was afraid of.

I laughed and sang songs with a village of people who had so little.... so little to give yet they gave all they had to a bunch of white people who experienced humbleness in a way that Christ meant for us to experience humbleness.

I met a man.... 92 years and wiser then anyone I know..... Jesus loves me.... the one truth that surpasses all others..... tears in his eyes every single time he said the words.

I came home..... and I've struggled because all I want to do is go back.

Do you remember when you last hit your breaking point?

That hopeless feeling that you can't make it another step without totally falling apart.

When you think your being strong and a picture, the one your walked by a thousand times, it hits to smack in the face and you feel walls crack and water trying to bust through. You take a deep breath and try to swallow the tears but the ten thousand other things that have you worried come to mind and you have to grab the back of a chair to keep from doubling over.

 I know you remember.... how do you forget moments when you feel completely alone in the world, strength all gone, and no one there to step in and save the day?

It's that moment when all you want is to here His voice.... but all you hear is silance.

 The turmoil it causes because your emotions say He's not there but your head knows He is but how do make your emotions line up with your head.

And you find yourself in the place you fear most, unable to move, unable to hold back the tears.

 Then I stare down and find the words recently engraved on my foot.... the ones I fight so hard to ignore but it doesn't come easy.

But when did He promise it would ever be easy.... when did He promise a life without pain and suffering?

His words are simple TRUST. Trust in the Lord.... I see it every day, multiple times a day and still I struggle.

Trust in Me and I will direct your path. What better promise could we get?

Fighting

Ever have that feeling creep up inside... you know.... that feeling of anger towards towards a person you love?

Yet when you dig deep... really deep, you find that it's not really anger you feel?

It's actually a brokenness that has overtaken your heart and to avoid the real feelings of betrayal and loneliness and heartache you turn it into anger so you can hide from the real issue and pretend the hurt doesn't exist.

And what happens when that person your "mad" at, the one who you feel has betrayed you and left you alone..... what if those feelings are towards the very One who created you? The One who is always faithful, always loving, and always holy.

And then you write it down so others can see it but then you erase and rewrite only to erase again.... because those feelings must be wrong....

Right????

But then again, if I really stop and think about it....

Maybe He's ok with how I feel.

Maybe it's a part of His plan.

Because it's at night that those true feelings come out and by then it's dark and I'm alone and the only one around is the Almighty and I've learned that He is more then willing to listen to my rants and to wipe away the tears, and He is plenty big enough to handle my clinched fists as I fight, practically beg to be let go.

Yet He never does.

He holds on and He listens and He fights for me when I don't think anyone is.

Because He is faithful and He does love me and to Him I am worth fighting for.

Yet I still struggle and I still fight against Him because those feelings are deep and their are wounds I won't let Him heal and they grow raw and they bleed yet I fight to keep them open because to heal they must first be reopened and cleansed.... and that sounds far too painful.

Yet He is patient.... and He will wait.

Still holding tight, He will let me beat against His chest as He draws me close and with tears running down He will whisper He loves me and eventually I grow weary and collapse in His embrace and rest in His peace.

Forgotten

Sometimes I read His words and nothing hits the soul.... other times it leaves me gasping for air.

ever been there.....
 

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O Lord, endures forever - do not abandon the works of Your hands.

Psalm 138:8

Sure that first part is clearly what I needed tonight after a tearful drive home, yet its the last part that once again causes the tears to fall.... that a man such as David could have ever felt abandoned. And why would one feel the need to remind the Almighty not to abandon him right after declaring His faithfulness and His love??

Could it be that I'm not alone in this wondering if perhaps, I  have been forgotten?

Maybe it's slightly normal to feel alone in this world.

It's the way he ends the psalm... no continuation of the faithful works of the One who's love knows no end.

Did he cry out in a loud voice "The Lord WILL fulfill His purpose for me!" and then quietly whisper, "do not abandon the works of Your hands."

I know I do. Because as much as I want to believe in the power of His promise there is that hint of doubt that often grips the heart. As if He needs to be reminded of that which He created.

It's quite silly to sit and think about yet I imagine each and everyone of us has felt just like that man, who happened to be a king and a heart that desperately sought after the Lord.

Maybe its the stress of the new job, maybe its the realization of loss of friendships as I once new them, or maybe its just the way He is preparing for what is ahead..... whatever it is I find myself praying this very verse. I know His plans, I know they are great, I know You are faithful and loving and true... but please don't abandon me. Don't leave me here in this vast wasteland that seems to have no end.

New Year=New Beginnings.... right???

Well another year has passed and a new one begins. 2011 is officially over and as I look in the review mirror I see some pretty cool things and then some not-so-cool things. One of those not-so-cool things is the amount of time, or lack of time, I have spent here. In 2010 I dove into this whole blogging thing and fell in love, then somewhere in the beginning of 2011 I failed miserably at finding time to sit and write. Part of it could be that I lost my job and then got bombarded with many part-time jobs and then landed an actual real-has-a-salary-five-days-a-week job that has radically changed my life.

If you would of told me at the beginning of 2011 that I would be where I am right now I'm pretty sure I would have laughed at you. Here I am about to turn 26, a seminary grad, one who never really desired a career, and I now work in accounting/taxes and love it. I never would of chosen this path for myself, never saw it coming, and I am quite amused at just how much I really enjoy it.

It's still not easy. I still have days when I wish life could of gone the way I always dreamed it would have. I still long to be a wife, and a mom. Loneliness is still one of my deepest and hardest struggles and I still struggle to trust Him. In fact some days I feel as though I push myself into my job so that I can ignore all those yucky feelings.

Some of the struggles are just growing pains, as I sit here and write this post my heart longs to be sitting in the Georgia dome with tend of thousands of other young people signing praises and lifting my hands to glorify Him... but I can't. My job requires me to be here this time of the year. I have responsibilities that tie me down and in able me to pack up and leave for a week. And Sunday as my brother left to head to Atlanta is was all I could to do to stay put, to control the wild child in me that loves to be free and spontaneous. It's hard to imagine Him wanting me to stay here instead of going. But the truth is.... I am right where He wants me. There is no place better for me to be then right here where I am called to be. But it does stink... and I once again let out a sigh and announce to the dogs (as if they care) that being an adult really sucks sometimes (actually alot of times).

But it is a new year and there are new beginnings and new adventures ahead. And while the next few months may be the most stressful months I've ever had (I hear lots of horror stories about working tax season) I will make the most of this year and pray for the strength to follow His lead, where ever that may be, and hopefully find time to write here a bit more then last year:)

A new season

Its pouring outside. The rain streams down the windows and makes it hard to see.

A friend sent me a text today.... a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile. She asked me if I had read One Thousand gifts. I laughed as I wrote back that I had. We started talking about it and somehow I find myself here... it's been a little while since I have last been here. In fact I never did finish writing on the last chapters of that book.

I think about that book as I text back and forth with her. I read back over some posts I had written and conviction comes and suddenly here I am... writing.

When the rain comes and life gets busy some things.... things that should not be, are forgotten.

It's my favorite time of the year.... the time when leaves turn and the air grows cold. Nights are longer and He sends down the rain.... the ground which has been thirsty for so long drinks deeply.

Summer is harsh down here.... the heat suffocates everything and slowly death comes.

Yet the Lord's timing is perfect just as the roses begin to breath their last a drop of rain falls and a dip in the temperature becomes their saving grace. Now the air is cool and the flowers in the garden give one last burst of color before winter sets. The beauty that fall brings is breath taking.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Do not grow weary

Those are the words that come out as I listen to her. She is a fresh graduate, so much going for her but a past that tries so hard to hold her back. This transition is hard enough without bleeding wounds, my mind can't fathom being so young and so scarred. My heart is heavy as my ears take in the hurt from her voice, and my eyes see the longing just to be free from the past.

It hurts to see one so young struggle so hard yet I know that God heals and that He uses those hurts to grow us stronger and to help those in need. Yet it never gets easier to listen to the hurt, to the pain... to see how crafty the enemy is at making lies sound like truth and how he loves to beat those that are fallen.

Why do we believe when he tells us that God won't forgive us again... and that this time, we've messed up so bad there's no going back.

I read this blog (forgive me for not bookmarking it, I wish I remember where I read it as I has stuck with me all week), and the story the author wrote was just what I needed to hear and just what I needed to share.

It was the story of the prodigal son.... you know the one. That son who grabbed up his inheritance early then squandered it on worthless junk that soon was gone and ended up eating with pigs. We all know how it ends too.... with the father welcoming him home with open arms, no questions about where he had been or what he spent his inheritance on.... the father was simple glad he was home and safe.

But what happened next? What about the next morning when the son got up? How did the father treat him then? Had the son learned his lesson?

From my own experience, what happens is that the son hangs around for a few days/weeks trying to figure out how to earn back the Father's love. It doesn't take long to realize that he will never earn it and so away he runs.... and the Father? Well the Father once again takes up residence at the top of the hill constantly looking out for the lost son to once again come home. And when he does, he greets him the same way.... ever.single.time.

I told her that story... and realizing that I myself needed the words just as much as her. Life is hard.... we grow weary, we mess up, we throw tantrums and God keeps forgiving. All He expects from us is to get back up and take the next step... to do the next right thing.

Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up.

Galatians 6:8

Results!!!!

Well the show was a success!!! We accomplished our goal of having a relaxed ride and there was no incidents. Romeo could not of behaved any better!!!

As far as competition goes we placed 6th out of 7 in our first class and 6th out of 8th in our second class. Considering that all of those riders have been doing this way longer then me and that most of those horses were high class horses.... aka, high dollar horses, we did pretty darn well!!! Our scores were very fair and higher then I thought they would be:)

Our day started off early.... horses were loaded at 6am... yes I said LOADED at 6 AM. We arrived at the how grounds around 6:30.

As one of the first to arrive we got the spot right next to the arena.

Tif and Jo were up first and had a great ride.

She rode at 8 and again close to 10. Then we had the pleasure of waiting in the horribly lovely AR weather, which was 94 and humid:-/ till my first ride at 3. In between we got to watch our trainer's other-half ride his lovely mare and one of her student's on her horse.

M and Jeeves:)

Usually Dressage shows are very prime and proper and require you to follow strict dress codes. However because this is just a local schooling show... (because this is AR and dressage is a foreign sport in this state and hardly anyone does it, so we have a local group that puts together somewhat cheap shows so we can practice in order to go to the BIG shows out of state where you pay ridiculous amounts of money. And yes I know this makes no sense and I won't even try to explain it because frankly horse people are known for doing crazy and senseless things all the time.)
All that to say... since this is a schooling show the organization does a tropical-themed show for June and July when it's crazy hot and we need some sort of extra motivation to get out. So no, normally the horses are not wearing silly flowers in their manes and the riders don't usually wear pick feathers on their helmets but we did have a lot of fun with it!!

Next up was Romeo and I!! But first let me show you my crafty side.... These are the browbands I made. One for Romeo, one for Ria. I sewed in the beads and such on them. They are super hard to capture on film. So much prettier in person.

The far one is mine and it has some blue crystals in, the near one is Ria's and it has some green crystals in it.

Here we are about to go in the ring, I stuck with the classy look and added a few flowers to his mane.  Love the completed look:) 

And here we are in the ring.

Trainer M had nothing but praise for both of us.

All smiles:)

Our second test was much better then our first as my nerves were settled. I was so proud of how well he did.

Tif had the best score of the day on her mare Ria.

And Trainer M's other student was by far the cutest of the day:-)

Overall it was a fantastic day and besides the heat it couldn't of been a better show!

Now it's time to get back to work... only 3 1/2 weeks till the next one and this time Romeo and I have to actually look like a dressage pair.
*Notice how he holds his head in the ring compared to the other horses.... we have to be there.... but trust me when I say it is way easier said then done and takes TONS of practice to get there.

It's show time!!

Well really I have no excuse as to why I haven't updated recently. I have quite a few things mulling around in my head to write about but have yet to start typing any of them.

I did however think that an update was necessary. The past two weeks I have done very little other then ride, or think about riding. My show is tomorrow.... It has been several years since I last showed and when I did it was on the mare who always carried me through, not the other way around. Dutch is the rock and I always was nervous so she took charge.

Well Romeo is the opposite..... tomorrow will be his first show and I know that I will have to reach down and find that courage that I know is there. He will need me to carry him and be confident as he will not be!!!

We visited our trainer in hot springs over memorial day for a 4- day clinic/vacation were we had what I call a mini-bootcamp. Romeo received many fantastic compliments from my trainer... I can't even begin to tell you how happy that made me!! All that hard work over the winter had paid off!!! Now we just have to put all that training together, pray for some confidence for me, obedience from Romeo and show off that hard work tomorrow afternoon.

Here are some pics from our clinic weekend....

Hope to have some pics next week of the show... and maybe a video, lol.

Hope all of you are having a fabulous weekend!!!

Drastic changes part 2

Singleness has been a struggle for me for some years now and last year when I moved to my current house and prayed about training and showing my young horse I very much felt that this was the direction God wanted me to go down.... I am also very certain that going down this path meant that I would be single for a few more years, many tears were shed but I said ok, and I chose to follow Him down this path. I used to pray that God would just take away the desire until He was ready to fulfill it (wish life worked that way) but I don't pray that way any more.... I know better. Instead I pray for the strength to endure and also that He would give me other things to think about.

Well for the past month He has done just that and that particular struggle has been far more manageable. So much that I didn't even realize that I wasn't struggling with it. When it dawned on me last week, I started praying immediately and thanked Him, then I asked the why and how questions (that's the philosopher in me). The past few weeks had been so peaceful. And I think that a large part of it was that I was not spending an enormous amount of time with this group of people. This shocked me as in the past when I have had weeks away from them my walk was usually worse off as these friends are one of the tools that God has always used to keep me on "track" and encourage me. They have very much been a rock for me in the past and so I was very confused.

Of course I prayed and asked for clarity and it came in form of a coffee date with one of those friends. She is so precious to me and I am so thankful for a friend that I can be completely honest with without worries of what she will think. She knows my heart and is a great soundboard: ) So I came to her with this issue and she just listened. She knows how hard the past few months have been and through it all has stuck with me and sought me out when I retreated.

The more I talked about it.... the more I prayed about it..... it made sense. And then I spent time with the group for the first time in a long time and on the way home I knew what He was saying. Change is hard and often uncomfortable but that doesn't mean it is wrong.

You see in our group... and I am only talking in regards to the girls.... there are several single guys in the group but I personally do not see it appropriate to talk about such matters of the heart with the opposite sex (too many dangers there that are not worth taking). In our group of friends that meet together regularly I am the only single person. I used to never really notice it but lately I have. I notice that I really don't fit into the conversations anymore. As we sit around and talk about our week, theirs consist of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, finding little time to sleep, little time to do other things. My week consists of sitting in front of this computer, calling customers about insurance, and running a farm. Their struggles are finding balance between kids and husbands, work schedules and family time. My struggles are dealing with a 5 month old puppy and his chewing stage and trying to decide how best to use my evenings, riding or building fences.

I know that there is nothing wrong with what I do, or how I spend my time but when your friends are talking about the stress of dealing with a toddler, and while a 5 month old puppy and a toddler do have things in common, it doesn't sound good to compare the two. And conversations about horses and dogs seem trivial compared to talks about the difficulties in marriage. And usually the phrase... "You'll understand one day" gets thrown in a time or two, and that frustrates me and I usually end up finding a kid or two to do something with at that point.

And then I read this article Monday morning from incourage and I realized that when I was around them as a group (things are great one-on-one) I put on a mask. I pretend to be ok just sitting on the outside looking in, I smile and nod my head in agreement to their comments (as if I understand what it is like to live with a man). Trust me it's just easier to nod and smile like you do. Realizing this frustrated me because I am not a person who wears a mask often and here I am with people I look to most often and I have a mask on. It makes me take some steps back and really think about things.

While I do not think nor will I cease to be apart of this group of friends I do think that taking a few steps back is the right thing to do. God has been so gracious to put some great people in my path recently that have really encouraged me and they are completely unrelated to this group. I also learned in the past week that a very good friend from early college days has moved back and lives just down the street.... She is a strong believer and loves horses like I do. While she is not single, her husband is deployed leaving her with two small children all by herself. I do not think that this is a coincident at all. I think God is making some changes in my life that are quite drastic and slightly uncomfortable and He is asking me to just hold on. I have no idea what direction that will be and who will be apart of it... for that matter I'm not really sure where I am going with this post either : ) But I know it feels good to write about it and maybe one of you can relate, offer advice, or just needed a laugh.

One thing I know is that life is full of seasons and while they may look different or take us down a path we didn't anticipate God will never leave us to fend for ourselves. He takes care of those He loves and if He leads us down a path you can be certain that it worth going down.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Drastic changes part 1

Sorry for the lack of writing this month.... There are some things that God is teaching me that are complicated. I can't tell you how many drafts I have in my posting section. Some topics just don't yet make sense in writing and some are subjects that need to be written carefully. And then there are some that just don't come out right. So bare with me over the next few weeks and pray that God will bring clarity on these teachings... I really need it.

One of the difficult things about these lessons is that they are mostly about my friendships and their impact on my spiritual health. Usually when God brings things to mind I talk it over with several different close friends... talking helps me sort things out, after all things can sound great in your head but then you say them and you realize that its crazy or the light bulb comes on:-)

The problem is.... some of the things God is revealing is about them.

The last month has flown by and I am pretty sure that I have lost an entire month of my life without realizing it. I seriously don't remember much of April and May... Is it already May??? Oh, wait, June starts next week.... AGH!!!!!! Where has this year gone?? I feel like I am just now recovering from Christmas and now summer is here???

That being said the past month has been unusual. I have not seen many of my good friends and life has just kept us all very busy.... meanwhile some new friends have crept in and time got away. Early last week I realized that I had not seen a few of my good friends in at least three weeks which shocked me as we rarely go 7 days without at least catching up through texting... but even that had not happened.

But something else hit me too..... you know that one thing I struggle with.... that thing called singleness.... well it hasn't reared its ugly head in awhile..... so I got-to-thinking (uh oh).

What was different about the past few weeks? The one thing that stuck out was my time away from this group of people. Now I just want you to know that I do not think that there is any person that is responsible for my struggles, they are mine.... and I alone make them smaller then they should be or larger then they should be. However when we are struggling in an area I do not think that it is always a bad idea to make some changes that might make that struggle easier to deal with. There are definitely times when we need to face situations and deal with the struggle head on and that is my usual approach. However for several months I had dealt with this issue head on with no change and then all of a sudden there was a drastic change.


*this post got really long so I broke it up into 2 parts... come by tomorrow to read part 2

Blogger's back up:-)

I am sure many of you already are aware but blogger was done for like days!!! Craziness!!!! I am doing a 30 day challenge over at Life with Romeo and now I am behind:-/

I've been working on several posts in my head for a few days now... that's how all my post start. Usually days ahead of time, lots of thinking, lots of praying. Funny... that's pretty much how every single one of my at least a thousand papers I wrote to get my two degrees... typing didn't usually occur till the day before the due date:-)

I haven't forgotten about the last chapters of Ann's book, because I have yet to get past chapter 8.

The chapter has been read, and reread again and again. I can't seem to move past the story of Moses tucked away in a cleft... in complete darkness, while the presence of God passes by him.

"Dark is the holiest place."

It is the most beautiful picture of His redemptive grace.
It is also the most gruesome picture in all of history.

Because the holiest place was also the darkest place and the blood that ran was innocent blood... blood that should of been mine.

But it wasn't mine and it wasn't yours and He willingly shed His own so that I wouldn't have to shed mine.

And yes I know that Easter was weeks ago but I can't seem to move past it... and I don't want to move past it and it breaks my heart that so much of Easter focus on the resurrection and the darkness of the holiday is often glanced over. 

It is in that darkness that we can find comfort.... that the same Savior who provides us with hope can also identify with our sufferings.