Living for His renown

Fighting

2012-02-17T00:11:00.000-06:00

Ever have that feeling creep up inside... you know.... that feeling of anger towards towards a person you love?

Yet when you dig deep... really deep, you find that it's not really anger you feel?

It's actually a brokenness that has overtaken your heart and to avoid the real feelings of betrayal and loneliness and heartache you turn it into anger so you can hide from the real issue and pretend the hurt doesn't exist.

And what happens when that person your "mad" at, the one who you feel has betrayed you and left you alone..... what if those feelings are towards the very One who created you? The One who is always faithful, always loving, and always holy.

And then you write it down so others can see it but then you erase and rewrite only to erase again.... because those feelings must be wrong....

Right????

But then again, if I really stop and think about it....

Maybe He's ok with how I feel.

Maybe it's a part of His plan.

Because it's at night that those true feelings come out and by then it's dark and I'm alone and the only one around is the Almighty and I've learned that He is more then willing to listen to my rants and to wipe away the tears, and He is plenty big enough to handle my clinched fists as I fight, practically beg to be let go.

Yet He never does.

He holds on and He listens and He fights for me when I don't think anyone is.

Because He is faithful and He does love me and to Him I am worth fighting for.

Yet I still struggle and I still fight against Him because those feelings are deep and their are wounds I won't let Him heal and they grow raw and they bleed yet I fight to keep them open because to heal they must first be reopened and cleansed.... and that sounds far too painful.

Yet He is patient.... and He will wait.

Still holding tight, He will let me beat against His chest as He draws me close and with tears running down He will whisper He loves me and eventually I grow weary and collapse in His embrace and rest in His peace.

Forgotten

2012-01-12T23:41:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I read His words and nothing hits the soul.... other times it leaves me gasping for air.

ever been there.....

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O Lord, endures forever - do not abandon the works of Your hands.
Psalm 138:8

Sure that first part is clearly what I needed tonight after a tearful drive home, yet its the last part that once again causes the tears to fall.... that a man such as David could have ever felt abandoned. And why would one feel the need to remind the Almighty not to abandon him right after declaring His faithfulness and His love??

Could it be that I'm not alone in this wondering if perhaps, I have been forgotten?

Maybe it's slightly normal to feel alone in this world.

It's the way he ends the psalm... no continuation of the faithful works of the One who's love knows no end.

Did he cry out in a loud voice "The Lord WILL fulfill His purpose for me!" and then quietly whisper, "do not abandon the works of Your hands."

I know I do. Because as much as I want to believe in the power of His promise there is that hint of doubt that often grips the heart. As if He needs to be reminded of that which He created.

It's quite silly to sit and think about yet I imagine each and everyone of us has felt just like that man, who happened to be a king and a heart that desperately sought after the Lord.

Maybe its the stress of the new job, maybe its the realization of loss of friendships as I once new them, or maybe its just the way He is preparing for what is ahead..... whatever it is I find myself praying this very verse. I know His plans, I know they are great, I know You are faithful and loving and true... but please don't abandon me. Don't leave me here in this vast wasteland that seems to have no end.

New Year=New Beginnings.... right???

2012-01-03T22:28:00.000-06:00

Well another year has passed and a new one begins. 2011 is officially over and as I look in the review mirror I see some pretty cool things and then some not-so-cool things. One of those not-so-cool things is the amount of time, or lack of time, I have spent here. In 2010 I dove into this whole blogging thing and fell in love, then somewhere in the beginning of 2011 I failed miserably at finding time to sit and write. Part of it could be that I lost my job and then got bombarded with many part-time jobs and then landed an actual real-has-a-salary-five-days-a-week job that has radically changed my life.

If you would of told me at the beginning of 2011 that I would be where I am right now I'm pretty sure I would have laughed at you. Here I am about to turn 26, a seminary grad, one who never really desired a career, and I now work in accounting/taxes and love it. I never would of chosen this path for myself, never saw it coming, and I am quite amused at just how much I really enjoy it.

It's still not easy. I still have days when I wish life could of gone the way I always dreamed it would have. I still long to be a wife, and a mom. Loneliness is still one of my deepest and hardest struggles and I still struggle to trust Him. In fact some days I feel as though I push myself into my job so that I can ignore all those yucky feelings.

Some of the struggles are just growing pains, as I sit here and write this post my heart longs to be sitting in the Georgia dome with tend of thousands of other young people signing praises and lifting my hands to glorify Him... but I can't. My job requires me to be here this time of the year. I have responsibilities that tie me down and in able me to pack up and leave for a week. And Sunday as my brother left to head to Atlanta is was all I could to do to stay put, to control the wild child in me that loves to be free and spontaneous. It's hard to imagine Him wanting me to stay here instead of going. But the truth is.... I am right where He wants me. There is no place better for me to be then right here where I am called to be. But it does stink... and I once again let out a sigh and announce to the dogs (as if they care) that being an adult really sucks sometimes (actually alot of times).

But it is a new year and there are new beginnings and new adventures ahead. And while the next few months may be the most stressful months I've ever had (I hear lots of horror stories about working tax season) I will make the most of this year and pray for the strength to follow His lead, where ever that may be, and hopefully find time to write here a bit more then last year:)

A new season

2011-11-15T16:04:00.000-06:00

Its pouring outside. The rain streams down the windows and makes it hard to see.

A friend sent me a text today.... a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile. She asked me if I had read One Thousand gifts. I laughed as I wrote back that I had. We started talking about it and somehow I find myself here... it's been a little while since I have last been here. In fact I never did finish writing on the last chapters of that book.

I think about that book as I text back and forth with her. I read back over some posts I had written and conviction comes and suddenly here I am... writing.

When the rain comes and life gets busy some things.... things that should not be, are forgotten.

It's my favorite time of the year.... the time when leaves turn and the air grows cold. Nights are longer and He sends down the rain.... the ground which has been thirsty for so long drinks deeply.

Summer is harsh down here.... the heat suffocates everything and slowly death comes.

Yet the Lord's timing is perfect just as the roses begin to breath their last a drop of rain falls and a dip in the temperature becomes their saving grace. Now the air is cool and the flowers in the garden give one last burst of color before winter sets. The beauty that fall brings is breath taking.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."
Ecclesiastes 3:1

Do not grow weary

2011-06-21T14:34:00.000-05:00

Those are the words that come out as I listen to her. She is a fresh graduate, so much going for her but a past that tries so hard to hold her back. This transition is hard enough without bleeding wounds, my mind can't fathom being so young and so scarred. My heart is heavy as my ears take in the hurt from her voice, and my eyes see the longing just to be free from the past.

It hurts to see one so young struggle so hard yet I know that God heals and that He uses those hurts to grow us stronger and to help those in need. Yet it never gets easier to listen to the hurt, to the pain... to see how crafty the enemy is at making lies sound like truth and how he loves to beat those that are fallen.

Why do we believe when he tells us that God won't forgive us again... and that this time, we've messed up so bad there's no going back.

I read this blog (forgive me for not bookmarking it, I wish I remember where I read it as I has stuck with me all week), and the story the author wrote was just what I needed to hear and just what I needed to share.

It was the story of the prodigal son.... you know the one. That son who grabbed up his inheritance early then squandered it on worthless junk that soon was gone and ended up eating with pigs. We all know how it ends too.... with the father welcoming him home with open arms, no questions about where he had been or what he spent his inheritance on.... the father was simple glad he was home and safe.

But what happened next? What about the next morning when the son got up? How did the father treat him then? Had the son learned his lesson?

From my own experience, what happens is that the son hangs around for a few days/weeks trying to figure out how to earn back the Father's love. It doesn't take long to realize that he will never earn it and so away he runs.... and the Father? Well the Father once again takes up residence at the top of the hill constantly looking out for the lost son to once again come home. And when he does, he greets him the same way.... ever.single.time.

I told her that story... and realizing that I myself needed the words just as much as her. Life is hard.... we grow weary, we mess up, we throw tantrums and God keeps forgiving. All He expects from us is to get back up and take the next step... to do the next right thing.

Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up.
Galatians 6:8

Results!!!!

2011-06-16T12:47:00.000-05:00

Well the show was a success!!! We accomplished our goal of having a relaxed ride and there was no incidents. Romeo could not of behaved any better!!!

As far as competition goes we placed 6th out of 7 in our first class and 6th out of 8th in our second class. Considering that all of those riders have been doing this way longer then me and that most of those horses were high class horses.... aka, high dollar horses, we did pretty darn well!!! Our scores were very fair and higher then I thought they would be:)

Our day started off early.... horses were loaded at 6am... yes I said LOADED at 6 AM. We arrived at the how grounds around 6:30.

As one of the first to arrive we got the spot right next to the arena.

Tif and Jo were up first and had a great ride.

She rode at 8 and again close to 10. Then we had the pleasure of waiting in the ~~horribly~~ lovely AR weather, which was 94 and humid:-/ till my first ride at 3. In between we got to watch our trainer's other-half ride his lovely mare and one of her student's on her horse.

M and Jeeves:)

Usually Dressage shows are very prime and proper and require you to follow strict dress codes. However because this is just a local schooling show... (because this is AR and dressage is a foreign sport in this state and hardly anyone does it, so we have a local group that puts together somewhat cheap shows so we can practice in order to go to the BIG shows out of state where you pay ridiculous amounts of money. And yes I know this makes no sense and I won't even try to explain it because frankly horse people are known for doing crazy and senseless things all the time.)
All that to say... since this is a schooling show the organization does a tropical-themed show for June and July when it's crazy hot and we need some sort of extra motivation to get out. So no, normally the horses are not wearing silly flowers in their manes and the riders don't usually wear pick feathers on their helmets but we did have a lot of fun with it!!

Next up was Romeo and I!! But first let me show you my crafty side.... These are the browbands I made. One for Romeo, one for Ria. I sewed in the beads and such on them. They are super hard to capture on film. So much prettier in person.

The far one is mine and it has some blue crystals in, the near one is Ria's and it has some green crystals in it.

Here we are about to go in the ring, I stuck with the classy look and added a few flowers to his mane. Love the completed look:)

And here we are in the ring.

Trainer M had nothing but praise for both of us.

All smiles:)

Our second test was much better then our first as my nerves were settled. I was so proud of how well he did.

Tif had the best score of the day on her mare Ria.

And Trainer M's other student was by far the cutest of the day:-)

Overall it was a fantastic day and besides the heat it couldn't of been a better show!

Now it's time to get back to work... only 3 1/2 weeks till the next one and this time Romeo and I have to actually look like a dressage pair.
*Notice how he holds his head in the ring compared to the other horses.... we have to be there.... but trust me when I say it is way easier said then done and takes TONS of practice to get there.

It's show time!!

2011-06-11T14:08:00.000-05:00

Well really I have no excuse as to why I haven't updated recently. I have quite a few things mulling around in my head to write about but have yet to start typing any of them.

I did however think that an update was necessary. The past two weeks I have done very little other then ride, or think about riding. My show is tomorrow.... It has been several years since I last showed and when I did it was on the mare who always carried me through, not the other way around. Dutch is the rock and I always was nervous so she took charge.

Well Romeo is the opposite..... tomorrow will be his first show and I know that I will have to reach down and find that courage that I know is there. He will need me to carry him and be confident as he will not be!!!

We visited our trainer in hot springs over memorial day for a 4- day clinic/vacation were we had what I call a mini-bootcamp. Romeo received many fantastic compliments from my trainer... I can't even begin to tell you how happy that made me!! All that hard work over the winter had paid off!!! Now we just have to put all that training together, pray for some confidence for me, obedience from Romeo and show off that hard work tomorrow afternoon.

Here are some pics from our clinic weekend....

Hope to have some pics next week of the show... and maybe a video, lol.

Hope all of you are having a fabulous weekend!!!

Drastic changes part 2

2011-05-26T08:00:00.002-05:00

Singleness has been a struggle for me for some years now and last year when I moved to my current house and prayed about training and showing my young horse I very much felt that this was the direction God wanted me to go down.... I am also very certain that going down this path meant that I would be single for a few more years, many tears were shed but I said ok, and I chose to follow Him down this path. I used to pray that God would just take away the desire until He was ready to fulfill it (wish life worked that way) but I don't pray that way any more.... I know better. Instead I pray for the strength to endure and also that He would give me other things to think about.

Well for the past month He has done just that and that particular struggle has been far more manageable. So much that I didn't even realize that I wasn't struggling with it. When it dawned on me last week, I started praying immediately and thanked Him, then I asked the why and how questions (that's the philosopher in me). The past few weeks had been so peaceful. And I think that a large part of it was that I was not spending an enormous amount of time with this group of people. This shocked me as in the past when I have had weeks away from them my walk was usually worse off as these friends are one of the tools that God has always used to keep me on "track" and encourage me. They have very much been a rock for me in the past and so I was very confused.

Of course I prayed and asked for clarity and it came in form of a coffee date with one of those friends. She is so precious to me and I am so thankful for a friend that I can be completely honest with without worries of what she will think. She knows my heart and is a great soundboard: ) So I came to her with this issue and she just listened. She knows how hard the past few months have been and through it all has stuck with me and sought me out when I retreated.

The more I talked about it.... the more I prayed about it..... it made sense. And then I spent time with the group for the first time in a long time and on the way home I knew what He was saying. Change is hard and often uncomfortable but that doesn't mean it is wrong.

You see in our group... and I am only talking in regards to the girls.... there are several single guys in the group but I personally do not see it appropriate to talk about such matters of the heart with the opposite sex (too many dangers there that are not worth taking). In our group of friends that meet together regularly I am the only single person. I used to never really notice it but lately I have. I notice that I really don't fit into the conversations anymore. As we sit around and talk about our week, theirs consist of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, finding little time to sleep, little time to do other things. My week consists of sitting in front of this computer, calling customers about insurance, and running a farm. Their struggles are finding balance between kids and husbands, work schedules and family time. My struggles are dealing with a 5 month old puppy and his chewing stage and trying to decide how best to use my evenings, riding or building fences.

I know that there is nothing wrong with what I do, or how I spend my time but when your friends are talking about the stress of dealing with a toddler, and while a 5 month old puppy and a toddler do have things in common, it doesn't sound good to compare the two. And conversations about horses and dogs seem trivial compared to talks about the difficulties in marriage. And usually the phrase... "You'll understand one day" gets thrown in a time or two, and that frustrates me and I usually end up finding a kid or two to do something with at that point.

And then I read this article Monday morning from incourage and I realized that when I was around them as a group (things are great one-on-one) I put on a mask. I pretend to be ok just sitting on the outside looking in, I smile and nod my head in agreement to their comments (as if I understand what it is like to live with a man). Trust me it's just easier to nod and smile like you do. Realizing this frustrated me because I am not a person who wears a mask often and here I am with people I look to most often and I have a mask on. It makes me take some steps back and really think about things.

While I do not think nor will I cease to be apart of this group of friends I do think that taking a few steps back is the right thing to do. God has been so gracious to put some great people in my path recently that have really encouraged me and they are completely unrelated to this group. I also learned in the past week that a very good friend from early college days has moved back and lives just down the street.... She is a strong believer and loves horses like I do. While she is not single, her husband is deployed leaving her with two small children all by herself. I do not think that this is a coincident at all. I think God is making some changes in my life that are quite drastic and slightly uncomfortable and He is asking me to just hold on. I have no idea what direction that will be and who will be apart of it... for that matter I'm not really sure where I am going with this post either : ) But I know it feels good to write about it and maybe one of you can relate, offer advice, or just needed a laugh.

One thing I know is that life is full of seasons and while they may look different or take us down a path we didn't anticipate God will never leave us to fend for ourselves. He takes care of those He loves and if He leads us down a path you can be certain that it worth going down.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

Drastic changes part 1

2011-05-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the lack of writing this month.... There are some things that God is teaching me that are complicated. I can't tell you how many drafts I have in my posting section. Some topics just don't yet make sense in writing and some are subjects that need to be written carefully. And then there are some that just don't come out right. So bare with me over the next few weeks and pray that God will bring clarity on these teachings... I really need it.

One of the difficult things about these lessons is that they are mostly about my friendships and their impact on my spiritual health. Usually when God brings things to mind I talk it over with several different close friends... talking helps me sort things out, after all things can sound great in your head but then you say them and you realize that its crazy or the light bulb comes on:-)

The problem is.... some of the things God is revealing is about them.

The last month has flown by and I am pretty sure that I have lost an entire month of my life without realizing it. I seriously don't remember much of April and May... Is it already May??? Oh, wait, June starts next week.... AGH!!!!!! Where has this year gone?? I feel like I am just now recovering from Christmas and now summer is here???

That being said the past month has been unusual. I have not seen many of my good friends and life has just kept us all very busy.... meanwhile some new friends have crept in and time got away. Early last week I realized that I had not seen a few of my good friends in at least three weeks which shocked me as we rarely go 7 days without at least catching up through texting... but even that had not happened.

But something else hit me too..... you know that one thing I struggle with.... that thing called singleness.... well it hasn't reared its ugly head in awhile..... so I got-to-thinking (uh oh).

What was different about the past few weeks? The one thing that stuck out was my time away from this group of people. Now I just want you to know that I do not think that there is any person that is responsible for my struggles, they are mine.... and I alone make them smaller then they should be or larger then they should be. However when we are struggling in an area I do not think that it is always a bad idea to make some changes that might make that struggle easier to deal with. There are definitely times when we need to face situations and deal with the struggle head on and that is my usual approach. However for several months I had dealt with this issue head on with no change and then all of a sudden there was a drastic change.

*this post got really long so I broke it up into 2 parts... come by tomorrow to read part 2

Blogger's back up:-)

2011-05-13T13:02:00.000-05:00

I am sure many of you already are aware but blogger was done for like days!!! Craziness!!!! I am doing a 30 day challenge over at Life with Romeo and now I am behind:-/

I've been working on several posts in my head for a few days now... that's how all my post start. Usually days ahead of time, lots of thinking, lots of praying. Funny... that's pretty much how every single one of my at least a thousand papers I wrote to get my two degrees... typing didn't usually occur till the day before the due date:-)

I haven't forgotten about the last chapters of Ann's book, because I have yet to get past chapter 8.

The chapter has been read, and reread again and again. I can't seem to move past the story of Moses tucked away in a cleft... in complete darkness, while the presence of God passes by him.

"Dark is the holiest place."

It is the most beautiful picture of His redemptive grace.
It is also the most gruesome picture in all of history.

Because the holiest place was also the darkest place and the blood that ran was innocent blood... blood that should of been mine.

But it wasn't mine and it wasn't yours and He willingly shed His own so that I wouldn't have to shed mine.

And yes I know that Easter was weeks ago but I can't seem to move past it... and I don't want to move past it and it breaks my heart that so much of Easter focus on the resurrection and the darkness of the holiday is often glanced over.

It is in that darkness that we can find comfort.... that the same Savior who provides us with hope can also identify with our sufferings.

An update

2011-05-05T13:50:00.001-05:00

The last week has been quite crazy around here. April is a month for rain in this great state and this year we got slammed. Saturday night we got well over 6 inches just while I slept... and then it continue for the next 24 hours. The central part of this state is experiencing flooding like never before and I am thanking God that my family has remained unaffected by all of the craziness the weather has brought upon as of late.

Just a week ago we were slammed with tornadoes... the same line of storms that did so much devastation in AL did not leave this state unscathed before moving on. Thankfully the two that came through central AR went on either side of where I am and left my place alone.

Besides all the crazy and unpredictable weather that puppy that was supposed to go to live with my nephew.... well..... he isn't going anywhere.

Turns out the mostly Aussie mix is really a mostly Catahoula mix. If you, like me, are unfamiliar with a Catahoula let me educate you. A Catahoula is a stock dog... known around these parts as a Louisiana hog dog, they are primarily used to hunt... you guessed it.... hogs. Big, mean, wild hogs. They are known for not backing down in a fight and for being aggressive. They are also extremely dominate and tend to be a one-person dog. Not really a good first dog for a 4-yr old.

However.... he is really cute and really sweet and really smart soooo..... I decided to keep him.

And some days I ask myself why???

He is extremely energetic and tends to be a trouble maker :-/ but he has a strong desire to please and loves me to death. I can already see that one-person trait in him. As far as any aggression, only when food is involved and we work on that every day. I take him everywhere and socialize the mess out of him as I want to avoid any future problems concerning strangers. And I have even started to get up early and take him and my old lab for a walk :-o yes... i did just say get up early.... which for me means anything before 8 and I will say that I have been doing pretty well at that at least 4 days a week... Go me!!!!!

Here are a few pics of my new little guy.... Meet Bentley

You can be sure you will be seeing more of this cute little guy soon :-)

It's Friday.......

2011-04-22T08:00:00.002-05:00

"Dark is the Holiest place"

2011-04-21T10:30:00.000-05:00

That quote from Ann's book keeps consuming my mind. It fills my thoughts. Makes me think hard, possible because Friday is coming.

Friday.... a day we set aside to remember.... because we forget.

We forget that Friday, a day we call Good Friday, wasn't really a "good" day. I would rather think of it as "dark" Friday. Because that is really the only way to describe it.

The very people He came to save rejected Him.

The men He spent so much time with abandoned Him, and one even went as far as to betray Him.

He was dragged to court in the dead of night and wrongly accused.

The morning of that dark Friday He stood before a crowd.... a crowd made up of people who at that very moment were in the midst of one their most sacred religious festivals. Passover, a period of 7 days in which the Jews were supposed to remember where they came from, and to dwell in the hope that was to come. A time to remember slavery... to remember living in darkness and to remember being brought out of the darkness. A time to remember that one day their Messiah would come to save them from eternal darkness.

And yet there He was, standing right in front of their very eyes and yet they forgot.....

So He stood there, looking into the crowd, into the very eyes which He came to set free. His ears took in their hate filled cries, yet He never looked back. No matter what they said.... no matter what they did He still loved them..... He still wanted to offer them grace... saving grace.

It only got worse.... He was dragged off and beaten, like a lamb led to be slaughtered. His body was torn and His blood ran. He suffered through the humiliation, and made the lonely walk to the top of the hill where He would breathe His last. Then men picked up hammers and began to nail His hands, the very hands that created them, to a tree.

Then the dreadful moment came upon Him.... that moment when the sins of the world... my sins... your sins..... where laid on His back. The Father had to turn His face from the Son. Forsaken by the Father, the ultimate darkness. And for a brief moment it appeared that evil had won.

Darkness......

The day, it was dark, but oh how Holy it was. And as I think on that dark Friday that quote fills my thoughts and yes, I see it. The words slowly begin to make sense. It was dark that day..... the darkest this world has ever experienced. But oh how Holy it was.... maybe even the Holiest of days.... because the Son, the Lamb of God had finally done what He had came to do.... be the perfect sacrifice.

He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:10-14

Weekend update

2011-04-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

It's been a little while since I have done a random updating post and I figured that now would be a good time for one:-) It's spring here in Arkansas and since I now live on a 10 acre farm that means LOTS of work. My roomate/the farm owner does most of the work but I try to help where and when I can. This years spring task was to reseed 5 acres and split up the current pastures into smaller 1-horse paddocks. Not-so-easy of a task. All that to say there has been little time for riding.... which probably contributes to the downer attitude I have over the last few months. Maybe you have heard the old saying from Winston Churchill, "There is something about the outside of the horse that is good for the inside of a man." Let me tell..... man is that true. Thankfully most of the farm work is done and as long as the weather holds out riding can be the primary focus in the evenings after work. My soul is very thankful and is praying for good weather!!!

So other things going on besides farm work..... well..... not much, lol. Actually this week has been kinda quiet, although I forsee the next week to be extremely busy!!!

Well I'm a fantastic aunt.... really, I am:-) I just helped my sis find my nephew a puppy for his 4th birthday:-o Oh and he is a cutie!!! He is part aussie part who knows, a shelter find and sweet as they come. He is currently staying at the Flying Solo as we await the little guy's birthday.... the puppy is actually is a present from his grandparents but they are out of town so I stepped up, lol.

Reason #1 for a crazy week.... I now have a 5 month old puppy for a week to deal with. A puppy who is not housebroke and not crate trained:-/ I will say that the first day/night wasn't so bad. While he has no idea that he is supposed to pee outside, he does understand that peeing in the crate is a no-no, the bathroom floor is far more inviting!! Crate training isn't so bad. He only barked for a few minutes last nights and was quiet the rest of the night, and even went in quietly after our 2 am potty break (which after 10 min out in the windy cold air he still wouldn't go). Hopefully he will only get better!!

I will try and post some pics of the little guy... whose name is Bentley (it suited him so we just left it) and show off all his cuteness!!! My dog strider doesn't really know what to think of this new puppy..... I think he will be glad to see him go, he gets a little jealous, lol.

Reason #2 for a crazy week..... I am, along with the bestie, taking 2 p girls to the Disney Princess on ice for their 5th and 11th birthday. Bestie and I are picking them up for a picnik then meeting their mom, other 2 sisters, and 3 friends for the show. It's going to be an awesome day but will kinda through the week off since I have to figure out how to get my Wed job done in the evenings after work and find time to ride as well, plus keep tabs on a puppy.

Hoepfully I will find some time to jump on here and post a few this week.... we will see!!! Hope your weekend has been fabulous and that your week will be quieter then mine will:-)

The perspective of years

2011-04-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

On Monday I continued writing on my journey through Ann's book. Chapter 8 is on trusting God and I only got through a portion of the chapter in my last post so consider this Chapter 8 part 2:-)

Towards the end of the chapter Ann makes this statement.

"Sometimes we don't fully see in Christ, because of Christ, through Christ, He does give us all things good - until we have the perspective of years.
In time, years, dust settles.
In memory, ages, God emerges.
Then when we look back, we see God's back."

Then she uses a beautiful illustration from Exodus 33. Moses asks to see God's glory, and this is the response he gets.

"And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.” -Exodus 33:19-21

I have read this story... taught on this story many times, and never have I thought of the cleft God stuck Moses in as a dark place. But Ann catches it, and I read on.... and it catches me off guard because one would think that sticking Moses in a cleft and covering him would be just a minor detail, yet now I see it as the most important detail. It's dark in the cleft.... it's even darker when He places His hand over the cleft. Darkness.... unable to see.... no way to know what is going outside..... that is where Moses was placed. It was only after Moses entered the darkness.... the unknown..... that He was then able to see the glory of God. And Ann has this to say.

"When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand?... In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us, I-beam supporting in earthquake. Then He will remove His hand. Then we will look."

Can it really be true, this idea that "dark is the holiest ground?" The statement is hard, and I want to see it as impossible.... but what about the lesson I taught just a few days ago to those young ones. Did not Jesus experience the darkest possible place that day as He hung on the cross? But isn't it through the darkness of the cross... through the death of an innocent man that God's glory was fully revealed? And suddenly the statement doesn't seem so impossible.

But sometimes we don't see Him in the midst of darkness... sometimes it's so dark and we can't see a thing, that is when we have to trust (there's that word again) that He is faithful and will never leave. Because sometimes we don't see Him till later on down the road, till we take a peck in that rear-view mirror. And As Ann says, "I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long. long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rear-view mirror... maybe sometimes about as far as heaven- that kind of distance."

*I wrote Ch 8 part 1 here.
*All unmarked quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

Always reminding

2011-04-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

I write on trust and struggle hard to live what I write. The practice isn't easy and a life long with patterns of distrust is hard to change. One day is easier then the previous and yet the next is harder then before. It comes and goes... this nailing of new habits. Some days I wake up, hammer in hand and ready to pound. Other days I wake and I don't even look at the hammer, the old habit looks far too enticing. Sure some days I just forget, while other days I chose to forget. A text from a friend, a verse sent to my inbox.... gentle reminders that I do not fight the battle alone, because He is always there... always reminding.

Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.
Psalm 112:6-8

"God and I, we've long had trust issues."

2011-04-11T08:00:00.016-05:00

That is the first line of chapter 8.... and suddenly I can't breathe. It's only eight words long yet it makes my heart stop. Oh Ann, really, you too? I thought I was alone.... I thought that most "christians" didn't: long have trust issues. Sure I know everyone struggles to trust at times... but to long have trust issues, I thought, maybe, I was alone. That is my life, summed up in eight simple words. "God and I, we've long had trust issues."

And then I close the book, place it on the nightstand, and turn off the light. Nope.... just not going to go there Ann.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling.... I kind of want to know what Ann says about it... kind of.

Sleep never comes, might as well read.

In the New Testament the word pisteuo is found two hundred and twenty times. We usually see this word translated in to belief. However Ann's research says it literally means "to put one's faith in; to trust."

Hmmm..... not so sure I like where this is going. I tend to wrinkle my nose up to that "T" word.... apparently Ann does too... because she says so just a few sentences later. Yet she is braver then I and proposes the question, one I would never have the courage to ask.

"Without trust in the good news of Jesus, without trust in the good news of God's saving work even in this moment, without an active, moment-by-moment trust in the good news of all-sovereign, all-good God, how can we claim to fully believe?"

I know... have known this truth, yet it's one of those things that I struggle to push from the "knowing of the head to the bleeding of the heart." It's not a new truth, one I know and often fail to remember. Ann names it, and it's not a pretty name and the name of it in one way shocks me, yet really doesn't, after all it makes complete sense.

"If authentic, saving belief is the act of trusting, them to choose stress is an act of disbelief.... atheism.
Anything less then gratitude and trust is practical atheism."

Because the lack of faith isn't necessarily an intellectual disbelief in God's existence as much as it is a distrust that there is a good God. But if I don't emotionally believe and trust in the goodness of God, do I truly believe? Doesn't a believer have to trust? And isn't trust a day-to-day action, not a one-time event?

Sunday comes and it's the first Sunday of the month, the week my church sets aside to remember. To break the bread and drink the blood in remembrance of Him. Because He says to. And we give thanks and remember the sacrifice, the sacrifice that was made so that we could fully live. Do we fully grasped what it means to fully live? Do we understand this faith we claim to live by? Do we even care to find out?

We live in a world that appears to beg for tolerance, yet really what they want is something that is real. Too many times I see Christianity described as just another one of the world's religions, and so many.... too many live their life as if it were. Far too often we forget... I forget.... that the reason why our God is different is because He is real..... and He seeks relationships. I recently read, and I wish I remember where, that we serve a BIG God, but not too big because He cares for every little sparrow, every little circumstance, every single person. The God we serve isn't interest is religion, He is interested in you.... and in me. Faith isn't just knowledge in a Holy, supreme and sovereign God. Faith is an action, one that requires trust, and that seeks for joy in every situation, in every single second of the day.

"This is what faith really is:

believing, not with the head or the lips or out of habit,

but believing with one's whole life.

It means seeking community with...

Christ in every situation in life..."

~Jurgen Moltmann

We don't get to chose what area of our life we give to Him and what area we get to keep. When we truly believe.... trust.... in Him then we give it all up. Oh how we forget that God isn't some far off being who sits high on His throne, unapproachable, and without a care as to what we do. He is approachable, He is near, He is attentive to His children. Yet He is King over all and He is Sovereign and no, I don't quite understand how a God so powerful, so mighty, so Holy can be so near, and so attentive, and have time for lowly little me. And I guess that's why I forget because I believe the lie that He doesn't have time to fulfill His promises, that He doesn't want to hear my little requests. The truth is that He is not satisfied when I settle to just know of Him, He wants me to know Him. To personally, know, to personally walk with Him.

“God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.”
~Ernest Boyer, Jr.

And knowing God is the only way to fully live, but knowing God requires trusting Him. Ann says, "It's only when you live the prayer of thanksgiving that you live the power of trusting God." Once again we are led back to eucharisteo. Because it is because of the grace (charis) that we get the chance to live, and only through giving thanks (eucharisteo) can we receive joy (chara). And isn't that what we really want? A joy filled life is the only way to fully live, and joy isn't an emotion, it's a way of life. We can find joy in the dark, we can find it in the sadness... in the pain.... and in ever other circumstance because the sovereign God we serve is in control and all things work out for those who love Him (Ro 8:28).

#635-649

New friends

Late talks, all about Him

Encouragement from the new friends

Sweet memories made with precious children

Sunshine

New flowers

Thunderstorms

Baking bread with a friend

The smell of fresh baked bread

Watching children enjoy the fresh bread

Teaching a lesson on remembering

Unleaven bread, a prefect picture of our need for remembrance

A Father who is willing to remind us, over and over again

A Father who never forgets

For the blood that saves

* I wrote about chapter 7 here
* All unmarked quotes come from chapter 8 of Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

Don't forget

2011-04-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

I read a book and write a post about needing to remember His gifts, to remember that He is in control, and to remember that I must come to Him empty. I wrestle with the issue of emptiness because the pouring out is painful. As my flesh pours out I realize how incapable I am, and that my life is not for me to direct. And for a strong-willed, independent, fighter like me, that reality does not sit well. But this outpouring of flesh must continue.... He will not be satisfied with a half-empty person.

I was directed to this blog, and the quote in the first paragraph was one that I can't help but share.

"There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: Mine!"
-Abraham Kuyper

He is not satisfied with a little... we cannot just say the yes, we must learn to live it. And the word live is not a past action... because it is not good enough that we lived the yes last week. No, we must LIVE the yes. That means day after day we must die to self, pour out the flesh and allow Him to fill every inch of our being. It takes practice and practice isn't easy, but it's the practice that makes the life change.

Later that day my eyes take in another quote on a friends facebook that catches my attention.

"Over and over again, in order to move forward in his relationship with God, Abraham was called to make a fresh surrender to God. To do so required that he let go, relinquish control, and trust a God he could not see."
Nancy DeMoss

Even Abraham had to practice. But our practice is not in vain. We do not rest in our faith, because we are mere humans who fail over and over again. It is in His faithfulness that we rest. It is the faith of Almighty to which we cling and it will never fail us.

My guess is... after two quotes on the same subject that He is making sure that I don't forget:-)

The fight for a blessing

2011-04-06T08:00:00.007-05:00

In the first few pages of chapter 7 from Ann's book I read this quote that Ann so beautifully states, "That God tries to gently drive the words of Caussade from the knowing of my head to the bleeding of my heart." Oh how I long for the knowledge that sits in the brain to make its way into the veins. To live the knowledge... the yes.... that my head knows. The quote is strong, makes me think hard, and I want this quote to make it all the way down to the heart, and I want my heart to pump it to ever corner of my being.

"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances, and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies - though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you expect by the will of God, and yet (God's) beloved children curse it because they do not know it for what it is."

If I cling to that truth... that all is His will.... then I will see Him in everything. And then I read this, "I'm blind to joy's well every time I really don't want it." So I don't see joy because I chose not to, never because it isn't there. Joy.... grace.... God..... is always there, but I don't always want to see Him. She takes it a step further. When we reject joy it is not just joy we are rejecting. It is Him, the giver of joy, that we ultimately reject. And when we reject Him we are really saying that don't want God. Never will He withhold joy from our lives, we withhold it from ourselves.

I read on..... she tells the story of Jacob. Oh how I love the story of Jacob, I am a Jacob. Jacob the rusher, the one who believed the lie that He wouldn't fulfill His promise. Jacob, the man who thought God needed help. And Jacob, the one known for his fight with an angel.

"All that while Jacob hadn't known who he was wrestling. Just a man in the dark, a man he couldn't see. And in the black, all that night, it was the face of God over him that he was struggling again. God is behind the faces."

He is behind it all... even in the dark He is there. It is up to us to seek out His face. And sometimes we have to fight for the blessings.... fight through the dark in order to reach the light.

* I wrote about chapter 6 here
* All quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts

His promises never fail

2011-04-04T08:00:00.003-05:00

It's officially spring in Arkansas but with the rain coupled with cold weather it doesn't quite feel like spring just yet. However it is beginning to look like spring. Small bits of green are forming on the branches and the tulips and daffodils are in full swing.

As I sit inside sipping on fresh coffee I think about how deceiving it looks outside. I can see the pretty tulips, their bright colors filling my porch with beauty, and the green grass starting to form in the yard. It sure does look like spring. But as I found out that morning as I opened the back door to go feed my Romeo, it does not feel like spring. It is cold, and wet, and I quickly went back inside to dig out my warm gloves and a heavy jacket.

Although it is cold and miserable outside I know spring is almost here. Winter is on its way out and I have no doubt that warmer weather will shortly arrive. Spring always follows winter, every time. it never fails.

As I make the long drive to church later that morning I wrestle out loud and He hears. He speaks and I hear. Then later that morning I sit and I listen some more. The message speaks right to my heart. The pastor reads from a book and my dry soul soaks in the much needed water. He then reads a verse that does far more to quench my thirst then pages from a book.

You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.
Joshua 23:14

So even though it still looks like winter spring is on its way. Because He always fulfills His promises, and He has made me many. It is in His faithfulness that I must cling to. He is ALWAYS faithful and His promises never fail.

What a week

2011-04-02T08:00:00.002-05:00

Well a quick side trip from Ann's book. This past week has been CRAZY!!! It actually sorta started a few weeks ago when my cat started showing some weird symptoms that I just wasn't sure if they were odd or just a phase she was going through, then she started having accidents and that is extremely odd for her so then I started to worry and scheduled a vet appointment. After doing some research I became very worried that she had some major disease that would require me to have to put her down. I can deal with many things but not accidents, especially not from a cat.

Well Sunday morning my dumb, er lovely dog darted out the door and into the sun. Something he does every other week or so and it really just makes me mad. He was running off almost every day so that caused him to have to be tied up instead of having his freedom to run around the farm. Dogs who don't stay on the farm on their own are confined to a rope.

So Sunday morning I'm tired, not yet awake and he takes advantage of the door opening, and away he goes. No big deal really, I'm already running late so whatever I'll deal with him later. After all the dog always comes back within 12 hours. Meanwhile I go about my Sunday as usual with a few moments spent worrying about tomorrows appointment for Pippin. She is after all my companion of 8 years and has moved everywhere with me and is very well behaved, she's my baby. The dog is NOT my baby, he is my dog, whom I love but he is not well behaved thus not as special as the cat (mind you this is being written shortly after he ran off so not many good thoughts about him right now, however I really do love him).

So I come home, late, no dog. Hmmmm.... ok whatever, I'm tired so I'm going to bed. So be it if he wants to sleep out in the cold and the rain. Monday morning and still.... no dog. At this point maybe I should of started to be worried. My roommate I think thought of him more then I did as she kept asking if he had come home, but not me, remember I'm worried about my baby. So cat is loaded in carrier, she's a nervous traveler so I'm not thrilled about having to do this but I need to know what if something is wrong so we are going.

We get to vet, spend an hour with the vet, and a huge vet bill later I walk out in a daze..... diabetes..... my cat has diabetes. Really??!!??? Oh and a bladder infection, with urinary problems that require a special diet. Oh, and did I mention.... diabetes??? Yep, I am also leaving with a vial of insulin and a package of needles because my cat now needs a shot twice a day for the rest of her life.... and a special diet which is different then the urinary diet.

And then the roomie texts again about the dog.... ummmm, the dog?? What dog??? I can no longer afford a dog..... he better not come home!!!! That's how I felt about the dog at that moment.

Back to the diabetes, who has a cat that has diabetes???? What the heck??? I mean for real!!! So I decided that I was going to treat it for a month. See how it goes, see if I can find a way to pay for insulin, and see if Pip doesn't hate me after giving her a shot. Oh and did I mention she has to have shots. I mean with a real needle. Needles make me lightheaded, like I can't even watch the vet give my horses, my dog, my cat a shot.... and now I am going to be giving a shot twice a day!!!!

Meanwhile, someone else is texting me about the dog... grrrr, I really want at this moment to NOT own a dog.

Roommate comes home and comments, not on the cat's diabetes, but on how weird it is that Strider is still missing. I smile and say something polite.... really Strider.... I'm so not worried about you.

He apparently doesn't care that I'm not worried about him, after all he always has, and always will do whatever he wants to do, not what I want him to do. Because..... Monday night he appears..... and not in way that would at all improve upon my feelings towards him.

The cat and I, after a long stressful day, had gone to bed early, before midnight actually (never happens). But around midnight I am jolted awake by this horrendous noise..... after I register what is going on I realize exactly what that noise is..... my dog!!! Some siren is going off somewhere and it hurts his ears, so he howls. Not a pretty howl but a loud obnoxious howl that I would recognize anywhere. So like a good mom, I crawl out of bed and let him and pet him, and tell him I'm glad he is home, and even feed him dinner (ok, so maybe I was a little worried about him).

Thankfully although the week started out on a crazy note, it didn't continue like that. I have done an enormous amount of research on diabetes and have resolved to get over my fear of giving shots. The dog and I are trying to communicate better and hopefully he will lose his stubborn-I-don't-want-to-listen-to-you attitude someday before he dies (he is 7, and pretty stuck in ways but I remain hopeful!!!).

Not so unlike an Israelite

2011-04-01T08:00:00.009-05:00

I have been studying the Old Testament, partly because it is what I have been teaching to my Sunday school class.... partly because I love the history and the way I can identify with the ones who have walked before.

I read chapter 6 of that book and Ann is honest and silently I am relieved that she is human and that she forgets too. Even the one who wrote the book on it forgets to count and suddenly I realize I'm too hard on myself, expect too much, and essentially set myself up for failure.

"I am a wandering Israelite who sees the flame in the sky above, the pillar, the smoke from the mountain, the earth open up and give way, and still I forget."

How many times do I read those stories and laugh at their stupidity, at how many times they screw up, time and time again they forget that He always comes through. But then I stop and and I think about myself and at how many times I do the same thing. I forget every day, I fail to live the yes, and I live the no, yet I criticize the Israelites for the very thing I am so good at doing myself. They lived under reminders, a cloud during the day and a flame at night, and yet, still, they forgot.

So I keep reading. I read of her chasing the moon and smile because I have my own "chasing the moon experiences." Slowly my mind traces back over those "chasing the moon" experiences and suddenly I feel a smidgen of that desire for Him that has been covered by dark and all of a sudden a spark of light is seen.

"Eucharisteo is everywhere and I want to see eucharisteo everywhere and I want to remember how badly I really want to see it."

And that has been my prayer as of late, that I would remember how badly I want Him, how badly I need Him. That I would want to want Him.

My attention is drawn back to the fact that we live in a sin-cursed world and in sin-cursed bodies that need reminding. And sometimes the only way to remember is to fall.

"Pain is everywhere, and wherever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least, in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is what I want."

And the cycle will be endless, because we are just like the Israelites, and history always repeats itself. That is why we cling to faith because faith is not something that we did but it is something that we live. It's not a thing to put in the past, its a thing to cling to in the present.

"Faith is not a one-in-the-past action, but faith is always a way of seeing, a seeking for God in everything."

We must look and we must seek because we only find what we are looking for when we seek. And to find Him we cannot seek merely with our eyes, no, to find Him we must seek with all our heart, all our mind, and with all our soul. For it is not enough to just gaze upon Him, we must empty ourselves of all that is meaningless and allow Him to make us whole.

* I wrote about chapter 5 here
* All quotes come from Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts Ch 6

Hard Eucharisteo

2011-03-30T08:00:00.002-05:00

What is your hard eucharisteo? I'm sure it is different then mine. And in the years to come harder ones will come my way. The fact is we live in a sin-cursed world and there will be pain. It affects us all differently but if does affect everyone. We must realize that it will come, that it will in fact hit us when we least expect it. The thing to remember is that when it comes God is still good, He is still there, and He knows.

Questions asked from those young ones sitting in a circle.... they look to me for the answers. One can never prepare for the hard questions that come from ones so young. "Why... why does Jesus ask, as He prays alone in the garden, if there is any other way? Doesn't He, being fully God, already know the answer."

I let out a chuckle, oh to grasp the incarnation, if only that was possible. But it is a good question.

Why did He ask? Why did He want another way? Why did He not do it another way? Why the cross? Is it because He knew that we would need to see the hands nail-scarred? Is it because we need to know that He knows?

There is comfort in knowing that the hands that cup my face during the hard eucharisteo understand the pain. Those "nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, 'I know. I know.' "

He knows, and He does not ignore our pain, and we don't have to pretend that it doesn't hurt. And the honest words of Ann ring true to my heart because we can be honest about our feelings towards the Almighty, He can handle our anger, He can handle our hurt, and we don't offend Him by being honest, and He doesn't need protection from our anguish.

"I won't shield God from my anguish by claiming He's not involved in the ache of this world and Satan prowls but he's a lion on a leash and the God who govern all can be be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief and I can moan deep that He did this - and He did."

And then I read "Sometimes we need time to answer the hard eucharisteo." And my heart stops and my surroundings fade because I needed to hear that. For weeks I feel defeated because the battle has raged for months and it feels like it will never end and I wonder what is wrong with me. I keep telling people I need time and the looks I get make me feel dirty, because shouldn't I be able to move on quicker then this. I've never been stuck like this before and the words I hear are words that sting, and they seem to say that this struggle is small and one day I'll look back and laugh because I shouldn't have fought so hard, and I let out a laugh to smooth out the moment but inside I'm feeling ripped apart because it is hard and they don't understand because they haven't struggled there.

But I know what the real struggle is and it's that He wants me empty and it's that process of emptying that hurts because in the emptiness there is darkness. And it's only in the darkness that we find the light. And He knows because He went there... to the ultimate darkness... the cross. But it is out of that darkness that the world found life...... "And there is no other way." Oh but I want there to be another way.

But there's not and I must learn to accept it and I must let it come. Because only the "emptiness itself can birth the fullness of grace because in the emptiness we have the opportunity to turn to God, the only begetter of grace, and there find all the fullness of joy."

And she ends the chapter with words that I must cling to....

"The good news that all those living in the land of shadow of death have been birthed into new life, that the transfiguration of a suffering world has already begun. That suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart - and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty."

* I wrote about chapter 4 here
* all quotes are from Ann Voskamsp's book One Thousand Gifts chapter 5

The hurry leaves us empty

2011-03-28T08:00:00.003-05:00

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
J. R. R. Tolkien

The quote that begins chapter 4 brings back to mind a recent conversation with a dear friend who lives far away. Normally we spend days, even weeks playing phone tag and in recent months the times we have caught one another have been for just a few minutes. Why.... because life is busy and I fail time after time to slow down and just live.

But finally the day came when our schedules finally aligned and a few hours were found to truly catch up and oh how good it was for my soul. She is such a dear friend and one whom God knew that I needed in my life. Sometimes we just need a friend who is not connected to our everyday journeys, one who can offer fresh perspective because she doesn't see the day to day. And sometimes it's good to just hear yourself say your thoughts out loud.

We talked about life and about our struggles. And a point was made that mid-twenties is just a weird place to be. She listened and I listened and we both identified with not knowing the future and realizing that what we wanted three years ago wasn't where we were and that there is nothing wrong with that.

Part of the issue is the society we live in.... everyone is always asking about the next season... when do you plan on getting married, when do you plan on having kids, when are you having another kid, when are you going to stop having kids, when are you going to retire, when, when, when.... and it never stops.

We live for what's next.... and we hurry through life and then wonder why we were are left empty.

"Whatever the pace, time will keep it and there's no out running it, only speeding it up and pounding the feet harder; the minutes pound faster too. Race for more and you'll snag on time and leak empty. The longer I keep running, the longer the gash, and I drain, bleed away.
Hurry always empties a soul."

Ann has figured out the problem.

But she stirs my soul when she reminds that it is God who gives us time, yet it seems we have so little time to give Him.

And why do we hurry?? "Maybe it is the hurt that drives us on? For all our frenzied running seemingly toward something, could it be that we are in fact fleeing - desperate to escape pain that pursues?" And yes maybe, maybe Ann you are right. It makes sense, in a rather illogical way, to escape the hurt we hurry through life so we don't have to face it. But really all we do is exhaust ourselves because running from the pain doesn't make it go away.

Can we slow it down? Ann seems to suggest that we can. She quotes a favorite, a godly woman who writes so beautifully... "Wherever you are, be all there." And the scripture says to give thanks in all things, and Ann suggests that the problem isn't that we don't have enough time but that we don't have enough thanksgiving. Eucharisteo living... joy-filled living.

We can give thanks in all things, because He is in all things and He is all powerful, always in control. And "life is not an emergency. Life is eucharisteo." And the times we think are cause for emergency, for hurry, are actually times to stop, to acknowledge Him. to trust Him.

And that's what this counting thing is all about. It's not just another list to create, not another thing to check off... no it's to change a habit. A habit that has you racing through life, forgetting, missing the beauty that is all around. Missing the One who gives us every second.

#624-634

Sunshine

Tulips bright and colorful

A clean flower bed, ready for planting

A day of dirt digging and soul filling with a best friend

A satisfied feeling after a day of hard work in the sun

Fence building

Tearing away weeds as tall as trees

An empty fence line fully visible

Fields ready for new seed

A chance to catch up with a faraway friend

* I wrote about chapter 3 here
* All quotes are from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand gifts chapter 4

Old habits die hard

2011-03-26T08:00:00.007-05:00

The last time I mentioned Ann's book I wrote about joy, eucharisteo, and how it is not a feeling, not an emotional mountain that is to be climbed. Well the next chapter, chapter 3, says that eucharisteo has to be learned. "And learning requires practice-- sometimes even mind-numbing practice..... practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation."

And it makes sense... and I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe I'm not the only one who struggles with developing good habits. Maybe I'm not the only one who trudges on in what seems like mind-numbing practice. And I love how she admits that practice is hard because it is yet we tell ourselves it is easy and we tell each other that it is easy and we believe the lie that it should be easy.

But life isn't easy and it's better to admit that it's hard instead of pretending that it is easy. We never quit learning so we will never quit practicing and it will never get easier. An old habit will go away and a new one will form only to reveal another new old habit that must be nailed out. And Ann offers a strategy that seems to make sense.

"Life changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time."

And sometimes it takes a lot of nails... and a lot of time. So I'm not alone, and I am not the only one who clings hard to old habits. The key is to keep hammering... and the nails don't have to be big.

A life full of joy... full of thanksgiving requires fighting. The saying that old habits die hard is very true and when you add the spiritual battle ,your flesh fighting your spirit, those old habits are even harder to kill.The last thing the enemy wants is for Christians to be thankful. When you begin the journey towards a thankful life, a life of living eucharisteo, it will get harder before it gets easier.

As the chapter ends the words get harder to read... because Ann isn't interested in making you comfortable... she wants you to change. The last paragraph is a hard one and one I wrote about here because it's not an easy paragraph to read but it needs to be heard.

I love that Ann doesn't back down and that her words, while not coated with sugar, are written with so much grace.

* I wrote about chapter 2 here
* all quotes come from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand gifts Chapter 3.

Stumbling but never falling

2011-03-23T15:38:00.001-05:00

The battle rages on and I hear of a brother who, like me, is fighting that hard fight of wanting what you can't have.

Wanting what you know won't fulfill but craving it still.

The words that I hear others say don't sit well... and I realize how quickly we forget just how hard the battle is when we aren't fighting it.

A text is sent to that brother and he, like me admits that he is living the no and admits that he knows better. Yet that flesh rages hard and he is drawn to the dark.

I don't give him a lecture, like I'm sure everyone else does, after all who am I to lecture a rebel.

Instead I let him know that he is not alone is his fight... that all of us have been there, and will be there.

Rebellion manifest itself differently in each of us but essentially it is the same battle.... to want what we can't have.... to believe a lie that He withholds good from us... and that we are better off without Him. And from the outside it sounds ridiculous, after all who are we to think that the Almighty doesn't know better, and who are we that we deserve any good.

But when the flesh rages our minds are corrupted, lies take root, and they impair any rational thinking.

It is so unlike me to not have advice to give.... to not know the answer.... but maybe that is where He wants me. To realize that I don't have any answers, that it's not my place to have the answers, and as desperate as I am for answers there aren't any. And that maybe the place He wants me at is at a stand still... to realize that my life is nothing, that I cannot exist without Him.

So I end the conversation with a brother with no sound advice... no words of wisdom on how to get back on his feet.... but I reminded him that he is loved.... and that he is wanted. And there is one thing I know and that is that running doesn't work.... it is far better to fight, even if it means fighting against the very force that gives you breath. And I tell him to come back to us and to show his face... but he says he doesn't want to be fake, to pretend that everything is alright when what he did last night was so wrong.

Isn't that what the enemy wants... for us to think that what we did last night was worse then what our friends did last night, and that if we show our face to them that they will see through the facade and see the selfishness and ugliness that really makes up who we are?

We forget that the blood didn't just wash away our past but it washes away our future.... that never again are we seen as ugly.... no matter what we did last night. Once we are covered we are covered, and nothing we can do will ever change that.

We forget that real living means living the yes... even when we feel dirty. After all everyone of us did something last night that we shouldn't have. We all struggle, we all mess up, we are all sinners.

And even now as I sit her and write this He reminds me that we all struggle. The phone vibrates and an email is received.... a verse sent to my inbox at just the right moment.

Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Psalm 37:24

Yes we will stumble, we will fail, we will feel defeated. But we will never fall. We will never be cast away from the One who loves. He holds our hand. Even when we stumble, even when we pull away, He holds on tight. There is no way to escape Him, no words can make Him loosen His grip..... and I sure am thankful for that.

Seek and you will find

2011-03-14T20:59:00.002-05:00

I love how God has placed this book in my life at just the right time. The words in chapter 2 are not ones that I want to hear hear.... especially when I am fighting.... when I want to just sit and settle.

Ann seems to know my heart condition.... that feeling as if I am the walking dead. You know what I'm talking about. The times when we just go through the motions.... the hollow, the shallow, the lifeless motions of existing. She points out that thing I do.... self-protecting by self-distracting. The point where we lose our capacity to feel anything.

Then the paragraph is read that reminds my heart what my head already knows.... "that joy is not an "exotic location of an emotional mountain peak experience." Joy is a choice..... not a feeling.... and it's something that God expects from His children.

It only gets worse...... I read that sentence..... the one that makes me wrinkle my nose up.... the one that makes me wish I had never picked up this book.

"Eucharisteo (thanksgiving) always PRECEDES the miracle"

Oh Ann.... why did you have to write that out for my eyes to see?????

She continues... "Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives. Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our YES! to His grace."

Sigh..... I really did already know that.... after all isn't that what this fighting is all about?? I'm not thankful for what He has given me because I don't want to accept it. I'm still shaking my head no. I don't want to give thanks because I'm not yet ready to accept this place I am at.

But if Ann's words are true... and I am sure they are.... the miracle will not happen until my spirit is thankful. The only way to accept this place is to find the good.... find the things to be thankful for.... to search for them. And in searching for the good am I not really searching for Him.... for His fingerprints? And I know that if I will just look then I will find.

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Luke 11:9

* I wrote about chapter 1 here
All quotes come from chapter 2 of Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand gifts.

Dayspring review

2011-03-12T08:00:00.001-06:00

Awhile back as I was perusing around the lovely Dayspring site I came across their Life collection and it was love-at-first-sight : )

For Christmas this year my sister got me this lovely pitcher.... which is perfect for holding sweet tea.

And then for my birthday my sweet mom got me this platter....

So you can imagine how excited I was when one day I came home and this lovely plate setting was on my doorstep.

I'm pretty sure that my favorite thing about this collection is the words.... lots and lots of words :-o and you guys know how I LOVE me some words!!!

As I opened the box each it was like Christmas in March!! Set before me were 4 boxes each holding a different plate. The first plate is full of bright colors which makes me happy every time I look at them.

The verse in the middle is John 10:10 I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full.

The second plate is probably my favorite because red is my favorite color and its paired with black which looks fantastic with red.... almost as fantastic as blue looks with red : )

Don't you just love the flowers and leaves in the middle... and the script is just gorgeous.

The next plate is a lovely black and white plate that has the word life written in all different languages!!! The platter above also has the word life written all over it in different languages and it is one of my favorite things about this collection. I think it really sets it apart from other collections.

The last plate and the one that sits on top is this cute and striped plate that has the word life in the middle. I love the simplicity of the plate.

I really love this collection and have high hopes of collecting more of the place settings so that one day in my own home it can fill that lovely china cabinet that once belonged to my great grandma.

Live the yes

2011-03-10T08:00:00.001-06:00

I read Ann's book and watch the chapter videos and listen to her pour out her heart. She asks"have you ever felt: that He didn't answer a prayer the way you thought it should of been answered.... wounded by Him..... that He wasn't there when you thought He would be (or rather not in the way you thought He should of been)??" and I shout yes to everyone of them.

She doesn't stop there. Ann keeps going... keeps prodding.... keeps convicting. How do I respond to Him in these situations? Do I hold His hand and keep walking or do I stop and shake my head no?

Do the words that come out of my mouth match up to the path my feet trod? Do I whisper yes, only to live the no?

In the first chapter of her book Ann boldly announces the great deceiver's lie, "It's the cornerstone of his movement. That God withholds good from His children, that God does not genuinely, fully, love us."

A few more paragraphs and I read this, "Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other." And I cringe.... because isn't that what this fight is all about? Isn't the whole reason for these feeling that are raging through me because I want, I crave something different then what He has set before me?

So the question I now ask myself is do I really want joy? Because if I do then it is up to me to change. He is there... always there.... all I have to do is live the yes.

The hard part of coming back to Him is that we... I think that to come back I need to superglue the pieces together before approaching His throne. I forget that He doesn't ask for us to come to Him whole.... in fact He requires us to come to Him broken, for only He can make us whole.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

The fight

2011-03-08T16:27:00.001-06:00

The day came.... I knew it would... but I had wished it wouldn't.

I desperately wanted to run.... but I can't, because of all the things I am, a runner is not one of them.

However I am a fighter. A stubborn and rebellious fighter who does not back down easily.

I looked her in the eyes, I cannot hide from her. She sees my jaw rigorously set and those fists clenched tight. I get ready to fight, to defend. But she doesn't suit up, refuses to fight, because she knows that it would do no good. She simply asks one question..... Why?

Tears fill my eyes because I cannot answer. She knows, I know she knows yet the words stay inside.

Because locking them up and keeping them in keeps me from getting hurt..... right???

If I don't feel, if I don't think, if I stuff it all away then I don't have to deal with the hurt... with the pain.

and i don't want to hurt anymore

I want to do things my way.... because my way won't hurt..... at least that's the lie I have been living.

I want to run.... really..... I really want to run. I want to leave this all behind and do life a different way. I even told Him to go away.... and I meant it.

The Father hears His daughter's cries and they break His heart.... I know yet still I let the words come out.

I have desperately tried to pry His hands away. I screamed and yelled, begging Him to just let me go. I dug in my nails and watched Him bleed, yet He still hung on. Tears streaming down His face but His arms never relented.

Later that evening she asks if I'm okay... if what she said made me mad at her? Yes, it did make me mad, but I tell her no, because really I'm not mad at her.... I'm mad at myself. It is I that went down this path, it is I that has chosen to believe the lies.

The long drive home is not a quiet one. A favorite band's new album is blaring over the speakers, lyrics washing over because these guys write about feelings and how they control us, how they deceive us, and they are uncomfortably honest.

And as the tears roll down I hear their words, and yes I feel abandoned, I feel forgotten but it was I that tried to live without. I suffocated myself. And yes the words buried beneath describe me, I'm being buried by me... my own selfishness is desperately trying to choke the life out of me. I tell myself to run yet there is something that keeps my feet locked. Of all the thoughts that course through my brain I know that I cannot run from Him. I may not like what He says, I may not like the direction, the way this path makes me feel, but I know that I do not exist without Him.

As I got up to leave she asked if I was going to run... she knows I want to.
I shook my head.... no, I'm not going to run, because I am a fighter.

WinterJam

2011-03-06T13:56:00.001-06:00

So much to share. I am currently reading Ann's book and my fav band released a new cd so be prepared for a lot of Ann Voskamp quotes and many songs written by Red:-)

Other then that there is not much to report. The roomie and I are building fences and tearing up pastures to be reseeded, and in between trying to keep the horses in training as show season is quickly approaching so I am exhausted!!!!

I went to winter jam last night and had a blast!! Although they only let Red and Crowder play 4 songs so it felt like a tease:-( Red was AMAZING!!!! Here's a little secret you might not have known about me...... I love hardcore(but only Red).

Crowder was a much needed worship time. I wish they could of played all night. I love it when your worshiping and you feel as though your body is constraining your feelings and you just wish you could go up to heaven and stay worshiping at His throne forever:-) Heaven is going to be FANTASTIC!!!!!

Well that's all.... just wanted to jump on for a quick minute:-) Hopefully tomorrow I will get a chance to get on here and actually post on a Monday:-0

and so begins the season of storms

2011-02-24T17:27:00.001-06:00

The day begins with out a speck of sun, dark clouds cover the sky and it makes getting out of bed so much harder. I wake up smiling.... this not-a-morning-person is smiling first thing. I wonder why and a glance at my bedside table reveals the culprit. That book, most of you know which one I'm talking about. That one which tells us that the secret to a full life is gratitude. And I remember how I fell asleep last night.... counting. Hmmm..... it really does work, doesn't it? This concept of taking captive every moment and turning it into a God-moment really does affect the soul.

I also remember how last nights chapter ended and the smile goes away. She says true gratitude isn't thankful so that life will change, no true gratitude is being thankful here, where I am at right now, and with no change expected.

I rather dislike that statement.

I sit here at work and watch the sky grow darker, and the wind get stronger. It's that time of the year again. Winter is on it's way out and the storm season is rolling on in. Spring is eagerly anticipated but with it comes the storms. Storms that while they quench the grounds can wreck havoc, devastating the earth. Yet we must have these storms, without the rain there can be no new life. New life requires the old to be stripped away, to be pruned, to be destroyed.

And the same must happen to us. The old must be torn down. We must be pruned, the dead things stripped away so that new life can grow.

Ann likens our lives to a canvas. The things that happen to us, the plans that fail, the dreams unfilled, and the pain that occurs all rip holes in our canvas. Ann proposes that instead of looking at these things as ruining our canvas, rather look at those things as holes to see God. That maybe the tough things in life happen so that we may see that it is God that controls our lives.

The wind dies down and the rain slows to a steady fall. The sound of the drops on the metal shop roof fill the office and I smile. I don't yet know if this idea of gratitude works in the long run, but I can tell that it worked today:-)

#615-623

Fun times at Awana's

Sweet note from a missing T&T

Sweet greetings from soft noses over the fence

My dog, never ever has he been disappointed to see me.

Those daffodils still a bright and cheery yellow

Raindrops hitting a metal roof

The howl of the wind

Soft thunder in the distant, always a reminder just how powerful my God is

A long overdue post

2011-02-22T13:40:00.001-06:00

Snow came and covered the earth in a thick layer of sparkling white glitter. Usually this brings happiness to my soul and the days are spent sipping hot coffee and immersed in a good book, however the past few weeks have been hard. The snow days which confined me to a house made it even worse. Then came that birthday... the one that will forever serve as a reminder that it is the Lord that directs my steps. Then tax season hit and work has been insanely busy.

Needless to say I have had no desire to write and absolutely no time to write.

Sunday a dear friend took me on a coffee date for my birthday. Words cannot express just how much we both needed this date. We sat and sipped yummy starbucks for well over three hours, then took the conversation back to her house. I love this friend and cannot imagine how I would get by without her. She is a blessing from above and I pray I never take her friendship for granted.

She is the one person I know who is a great listener and knows when I need to just vent without receiving a lecture yet will give me one when I need it. In our conversation we both realized that though our situations are very different we are struggling in similar ways.

I have struggled recently with talking with a few of the friends that I usually talk with because both are the lecture types. I am very grateful to have three Godly women who know me as well as they do and are willing to speak truth even when it is/can be hurtful. However the place I am at is a fragile one. I know what is right, I know my attitude is bad, and I know how to fix it. And honestly a lecture isn't going to tell me anything I don't already know nor is it going to make me change anything. Being told constantly to fix my attitude gets old and makes me not want to be around those that are doing the lecturing.

My sweet coffee friend is in the same spot. I know that God takes us through seasons to teach us valuable lessons, and not all those seasons are enjoyable. The one I am currently in certainly has amazing things about it but overall it is very hard. I don't want advice, I don't want a lecture, I don't want to be told if-I-were-you-then-I-would....... I just want to be left alone with my thoughts, my struggles. The only one who can truly fix my attitude is God and believe me I get stern lectures all the time from Him. I'm not ignoring His instruction, I'm not shutting the door to His plans, but I am having a hard time with them. I have come to realize that as His child I am allowed to question Him, I am allowed to not like His instructions, and I am allowed to have negative feelings toward Him. What matters is my actions. I can question Him, but I still have to listen. I can not like His instructions but I still have to obey. I can have negative feelings but I still have to fight for joy.

And be assured that I am fighting. It is no coincidence that a book on gratitude by a treasured blogger just came out, and that it is the book the book club I participate in is reading through. I don't have the option of putting it down. It also serves as a daily reminder to keep counting.

#596-614

Moonlight reflecting on horse trough

Older siblings helping younger ones find the Scripture during church

Coffee date with a friend

Coffee

Warm weather

Trail rides with the old friend

Good training with the young one

Seeing and feeling the young one improve in such a short time

A sweet date on valentine's day with my nephew

A day at the zoo with that nephew

A week that begins with a nephew date and also ended with a nephew date

Watching his eyes light up at the sight of all the animals

Piling on abed with four sisters and singing songs to Jesus before tucking them in

Daffodils given by a Sunday school student

Waking up every morning and seeing those Daffodils

Evidence that spring is almost here

The anticipation of planting flowers :-)

Gearing up for planting a huge garden

Knowing that I am not forsaken

The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Deuteronomy 31:8

Fighting for eucharisteo

2011-01-31T12:27:00.002-06:00

This morning while sipping on coffee I read about eucharisteo. A chapter ends and I lay aside the book and go on with my day. As I go about my chores my thoughts keep going back to those stories... the ones about death, of mothers burying their children, of pain I can't even begin to imagine.

I slid into my car and begin the journey to the friend who will soon be leaving. I try to throw away thoughts on the eucharisteo, I'm not in a thankful mood.... but then I drive by a cemetery. I see the hole freshly dug, and chairs set up for love ones to sit on. And He asks what about my life is so bad? I can no longer resist. I must accept the eucharisteo. I must fight for that joy.

But to be honest... I don't want to. To fight for joy means to no longer dwell in what I don't have, in the dreams have yet to come true.

A song comes on and I sing of how He loves me so. I sing and then I stop. I think about the words that I just sang.... "and all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory"

Is it possible that Ann's words are really true? That suffering really has "the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace?"

And the words hit me so hard that here I am in a parking lot typing away at a screen, taking a moment to count before meeting that dear friend.

#589-595

A long drive to contemplate words just read

The beauty of a cloudy day

Signs on the road, there to give us direction

Trees still bare

The strange warmth in the air... telling of a storm that is brewing

A book ready to be given away

A parking lot on the side of the highway... perfect spot for writing on eucharisteo

Tears

2011-01-27T14:20:00.001-06:00

A much needed evening of fellowship is spent curled in a big chair with a close friend. The conversation starts with mere ramblings about the week, then slowly it becomes one that nourishes the soul. Lessons from the Great Teacher are shared and encouragement is given.

A text comes in from one whom we had just talked about, and fears are confirmed that all is not well. We talk, discuss... and search for ways to encourage, to uplift, to comfort a friend in need. We know the very best thing we can do is to pray.

A few days go by.... the one hurting is still on the mind... still in the prayers. Texts go back and forth from the close friend about the hurting one... because we are family and the blood that ties us together runs deeper then that which flows in the veins.

An alert flashes on the screen the same moment a text tells me to check my messages.... so I do. The hurting one has tried to put the pain into words.... and as she pours out her heart the tears flow down.I can hear the hurt in every word. I read on and my eyes see the reason for the pain, and my heart can take no more. The tears flow down. My heart hurts for her, for the choice that has been made, and for the pain that is yet to come. My heart hurts because I, selfishly, have dreaded this moment. I knew our time of living close was soon to end but now that it is certain my heart no longer stands firm.

The tears roll, and the heart breaks. I know somewhat of the journey that is ahead for her. I have experienced the loneliness that comes living so far away from the ones you love. I know how dark those nights can be and I start to pray for strength, for hope, for peace. I also know what it is like to be the one left behind and I dread the day I will have to say my goodbye. I dread the lonely days ahead, the days without the dear friend who still pursues me.

I turn on the music and the first song to play is the one that reminds me that He is the Healer, the one that walks us through the fire. And the one that follows reminds me that the God I serve is all always for me, never against me. He never forsakes those He loves, and when I am weak He remains strong.

So I wipe away the tears, finish reading her words and finally pick up a book that just arrived. A book that reminds me that before I dive in I need to count. At first it seems so impossible but as the first one is written I feel the healing begin.

#580-588

For a grade school friendship that is stronger then ever

For the time we have had together so far

For future memories that will be made

For a Father who is approachable

For friends that lift up hurting ones to the only One who brings Healing

For modern technology which makes the distance seem not so wide

For the growth that this next season of life will bring

For the knowledge that with the hurt comes healing

For tears

And for a Father who counts everyone

Book Club!!!

2011-01-26T08:00:00.004-06:00

I am so excited to be joining with (in)courage for their new online book club! The first book is Ann Voskamp's book: One Thousand gifts.

I just received my copy of her book plus one for a friend. And yesterday I received an e-mail from (in)courage announcing that I had won their recent giveaway.... insert sequels of joy.... I've never won a giveaway before and this one happens to have a signed copy of Ann's book:-) So now I have 2 to giveaway!!!!

If only I could express to you just how happy I am right now!!!! So happy that as I type this at work I really just want to run outside and shout for joy!!!

It's feeling a little like Christmas around here, or maybe birthdayish (after all less then 2 weeks from the actual birthday). My mom's b-day was last week so I ordered her 5 Karen Kingsbury books... which means after she reads them I get too :-) so blessed to have a mom who has great taste. Then there is Ann's book that just arrived. And I finally used my huge gift card that roomie gave me for Christmas, it was to a tack shop and I spent weeks agonizing over what to get.... rough life eh?? And then I win this giveaway and it includes a lovely canvas print, a mug (how did they know I'm addicted to coffee) Ann's book, plus some bookmarks. Oh what a joyous life I have!!!! Plus roomie and I are loading up the horses and going to Hot Springs for a mini vacation/clinic with a friend/trainer:-) Oh how wonderful this week is turning out to be!!

It's Saturday evening

2011-01-25T14:59:00.001-06:00

The air is cold, and darkness has settled upon the farm. The horses are groomed and tacked, stomping the ground eagerly anticipating their turn to be worked. The weather here has not been conducive for riding for quite some time and I am oh so thankful for the chance to get back in the saddle.

First up is my young wild one. Consistency is the key to taming the young horse, and consistency is the one thing we have not had as of late. I grit my teeth and force myself to ignore his nastiness and focus on quietness. The goal: get him to focus on me, ask a few things, and then get off. Keep it simple, stay focused, and do not get frustrated. Remember that he doesn't understand and be patient.

Next up is the old one, the beloved friend. She is so excited to be the recipient of my attention. I slip in the saddle and just soak in the familiarity of her gait. No goals in mind but to enjoy the time in the saddle.

The last ride of the night is on the resident schoolmaster, the one who teaches me. The goal for the evening is to work on my seat, to remind my body the things it had learned last month when riding was consistent. Fact: it is impossible for one to focus on one's position when horse is in rebellious frame of mind. And so the evening ended on a sore note, a heavily anticipated night turned into complete frustration.

It's Sunday morning, horses are feed, dog let out, and finally I slip into the car. The drive towards that place where it's all about Him. Yet my mind is still on last night. On that frustrating ride with that rebellious horse. I mutter aloud to the One who hears all.... "What went wrong?" O how sweet it is to commune with Him.

Looking back, had I known where He was going I might never have asked.... good thing only He knows where all conversations lead.

I think back through the ride and realize why the ride frustrated me so,the horse was rebellious. He should of been light and soft, accepting the bit with no resistance, thus making his body submissive to my direction. he wasn't. He even went beyond ignoring the instruction. He argued and yanked on my hands, loudly disagreeing with what I asked of him. He even took to racing around at a high rate of speed in order to evade any instruction. And all because he knows what will happen when he listens, he knows that being light and soft will give me all the control. And last night he wanted to remain in control.

Hmmmmm.....do you realize, my dear one, that you have been acting just like that horse?

You have resisted being soft because you know that it will give Me all the control. Your not like your young one, you know what is expected and you know how be soft. Your like the old schoolmaster who knows how to act, who knows what is expected of him. And last night his attitude was the same as yours has been towards me.

My eyes glisten with tears because I know He is right. I know how to walk close to Him, I know how to be soft. Lately I have resisted. I have yanked on the the hands of the One who knows what is best for me. I have strained to go in the opposite direction and desperately fought to take control. I have not wanted to be submissive to Him.

I bow my head and beg for His forgiveness... after all..... I know better.

#568-579

Today I am thankful for a God who never gets frustrated with me

For a God who never loses His patience

For His forgiveness that is deeper then the ocean

For grace.... unending grace

For a friend who shares that she too is struggling with a fear

For a book, on its way, that is eagerly anticipated

For a new community of sisters in the form of a book club

That His mercies are new EVERY morning

For His willingness to meet me where I am

For illustrations that reach to the deepest level

For horses and their Creator who uses them to teach me

For that old schoolmaster who has taught me a much needed lesson

Ever struggle with struggling?

2011-01-20T13:37:00.001-06:00

Silly thought isn't it?
Or is it?

I mean really, who likes to struggle? And if when you are struggling, who likes to admit it? I don't.
In fact I'm one of those who quietly tucks it away After all, if I don't admit it is there then I don't have to deal with it. Denial, that is what it is called. And it hurts no one, that is no one but me.

I hear His voice gently whispering, feel the soft tapping on my shoulder... He won't go away, even though I silently wish He would.

I know what He wants from me, I know where it will take me, and I don't want to go there.

I want to stay in my comfortable spot. In this place of no introspective. A place where there is no pain.

And the worst thing about this is that the one word I never thought I'd struggle with is the one word that is the root of all my struggles. And even now as my hands are typing I dare not let it out. Because this word holds my heart in captivity. It is firmly rooted, seeping down to the depth of my soul.

And with trembling hands I force the letters to form that word. I type it out, then press the back button. The battle within is strong, and as of late I am weary. From past experience weariness is not a bad place to be. After all it is when we reach the end, the point where we can no longer hold up our own head that we finally let go. And we must let go, so that we can let God.

So once again I begin to type the word, and this time I will succeed.... fear.

It is fear that grips my soul. Fear that has me turning my face away from Him. Fear, and maybe a little shame. Because no one would expect such a thing from me. I, who always has control, always willing to follow His lead, always flexible, always...... but afraid???

And I am led back to that book, the one that reminds me that

"It's not about what you've done. It's about what you're going to do now."

'Course He isn't safe

2011-01-14T08:00:00.001-06:00

I absolutely love the picture that Mr.& Mrs. Beaver paint of Aslan.

This quote comes from Chapter 8 of The Lion, the Witch, and Wardrobe.

"Who is Aslan?" asked Susan.

"Aslan?" said Mr. Beaver. "Why, don't you know? He's the King. He's the Lord of the whole wood, but not often here, you understand. Never in my time or my father's time. But the word has reached us that He has come back. He is in Narnia at this moment. He'll settle the White Queen all right. It is He, not you, that will save Mr. Tumnus."

"She won't turn Him to stone too?" said Edmund.

"Lord love you, Son of Adam, what a simple thing to say!" answered Mr. Beaver with a great laugh. "Turn Him into stone? If she can stand on her two feet and look Him in the face it'll be the most she can do and more than I expect of her. No, no. He'll put all to rights as it says an old rhyme in these parts:

Wrong will be right, when Alsan comes in sight,
At the sound of His roar, sorrows will be no more,
When He bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when He shakes His mane, we shall have spring again.

"You'll understand when you see Him."

"But shall we see Him?" asked Susan.

"Why, Daughter of Eve, that's what I brought you here for. I'm to lead you to where you shall meet Him, said Mr. Beaver.

"Is - is He a man?" asked Lucy.

"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you He is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."

"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought He was a man. Is He - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're wither braver than most or else just silly."

"Then He isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course He isn't safe. But He is good. He is the King, I tell you."

Narnia quote #2

2011-01-12T08:00:00.002-06:00

This is my favorite moment in Prince Caspian, I was so disappointed that this moment was not captured in the movie. It is such a moving scene and one I can relate to all too well I'm afraid.

The Lion looked straight into her eyes.

"Oh, Aslan," said Lucy. "You don't mean it was? How could I - I couldn't have left the others and come up to You alone, how could I? Don't look at me like that...oh well, I suppose I could. Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with You. But what would have been the good?"

Alsan said nothing

"You mean," said Lucy rather faintly, "that it would have turned out all right-somehow? But how? Please, Alsan! Am I not to know?"

"To know what would have happened, child?" said Aslan. "No. Nobody is ever told that."

"Oh dear," said Lucy.

"But anyone can find out what will happen," said Aslan. "If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; tell them what you have seen Me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow Me - what will happen? There is only one way to find out."

"Do You mean that is what You want me to do?" gasped Lucy.

"Yes, little one," said Aslan.

"Will the others see You too?" asked Lucy.

"Certainly not at first," said Aslan. "Later on, it depends."

"But they won't believe me!" said Lucy.

"It doesn't matter," said Aslan.

It doesn't matter..... so many times have I had that very statement whispered to my soul. In a way the statement stings, just a little, and yet in another way it is so reassuring.

I also like the part where Aslan says that no one is ever told what would of happen yet anyone can find out what will happen.

Appetites pt 2

2011-01-11T16:27:00.001-06:00

A few days ago I wrote appetites part 1. I really liked this sermon and interestingly enough my pastor asked the question "What did you feed your soul this week?" and in my own notes I wrote that down and added, "which appetites did you feed?" I love when what God teaches me during the week lines up with what my pastor teaches on. Proves my "I don't believe in coincidences" statement : )

So here I go with part 2 of the appetites topic. If your a recent follower then you are unaware of my love for the story and character of Jacob. You see I am a combination of a Peter and a Jacob; I constantly talk before thinking and my name, like Jacob's should be changed to Israel, which means "he who struggles with God." So when Andy Stanley said to turn to Genesis 25 I got excited. I did not, however, expect for the emphasis to be placed on Esau.

Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright." “Look, I am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me?” But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright.
Genesis 25:29-34

Here is a little background information about this story. First, Jacob and Esau are twins however Esau is the firstborn. Back in biblical days being the firstborn was definitely an advantage.The firstborn is who received the birthright, which was basically like an inheritances but the firstborn got way more then any of the other siblings. Esau's dad, Issac, was rich, really, really rich. Not only was he rich but God had made a covenant with Esau's granddad, Abraham, that one day the Messiah would come through his family. Esau was set to inherit a lot of wealth plus a covenant from God Himself.

Take a look at the passage, Esau was hungry and wanted some of the stew Jacob had cooked. Jacob was happy to oblige as long as Esau traded him his birthright for a bowl of stew. Doesn't that sound absolutely insane??? What person in their right mind would do that?????

Stanley says you would... I would, after all people do it ALL the time.

Remember point #3 from the last post... the one that says your appetite always whispers NOW, never later. This is what is happening here. Esau is hungry, nothing else but feeding himself is on his mind. He does not stop to think, he just does whatever it takes to settle his appetite. Stanley does an interesting thing at this point and we will see if I can do it justly.

If only at this point in the story could a person appear from the future and have a conversation with Esau, you know like one of those movies such as my fav, The Empires New Grove, when the devil and angel appear on Kronk's shoulders to "help" him make a decision. Esau could of used one of those at this point.

Because if Esau could of looked into the future he would see that Numbers 23:10 could read, "Who can count the dust of Esau, (not Jacob). And the book of Psalms would be filled with verses that say the God of Esau instead of the God of Jacob. And that one day, hundreds of years later a book called Matthew would list Esau in the genealogy of the Messiah, not Jacob. And that Messiah would, out of His own mouth, call Himself the God of Esau, not the God of Jacob.

But that didn't happen, in fact Obediah 1:18, says this about the brothers,

"Jacob will be a fire and Joseph a flame;
Esau will be stubble,
and they will set him on fire and destroy him.
There will be no survivors from Esau.
The LORD has spoken"

Because of that one moment, that one choice. Esau lost everything.

Psychology uses the term focalism to describe a situation/appetite when our mind is able to focus only on one thing and everything else is blurred out. Another psychology term that Stanley used is impact bias, which takes a simple appetite and magnifies it out of proportion. Basically it tells your brain that whatever the appetite is it will be satisfied, and exaggerates the experience. And all that to say this:

Your focus changes when your appetite is inflamed.

The reason Esau lost, or rather gave away his birthright was because he could not harness an appetite.

Your appetite only knows one word- more.

So do you know what your appetites are? What are the ways you feed them? Do you rule them, or do they rule you?

I, myself do not know the answer to those questions.... but you bet that I am searching to find out. I want to recognize those appetites so that nothing stands in my way of being all that I can be for Christ.

Dreams

2011-01-08T14:02:00.001-06:00

Driving and listening to a favorite band and a line is sung that I can't let out of my mouth without first making sure it is true.

"I love everything about You."

And ask myself if I can truly say this. Yes, I love Him, but do I love everything about Him?

And then this was tucked in my reader this morning and I heard Him ask me whose dreams am I following... His, or mine?

And then that song.... and I hear Him whisper... "Do you love that I have dreams for you? Do you love that those dreams are different then yours?"

I realize that I often ask for Him to fulfill my dreams, and rarely do I ask what His dreams are for me. I fail to realize that not seeking out His dreams hurts only me. It limits what I can do for Him.

I think back on one of the Passion messages, the one that hit the closest to home. It came from the lovely Beth Moore, a woman who seeks after His heart, her messages are full of His love, His voice.

She says that the enemy tries to convince us that we are more free without God, that the dreams... the plans... He has for us will somehow limit us.

It comes down to this... either I am following His dreams, or the enemies. Because my dreams come from my flesh... and my flesh is desperately wicked seeking only its own desires. I think about yesterday's post about appetites and I think on the story I have yet to post about. Am I ruling my appetites or do they rule me? Am I thinking about the eternal or the immediate?

Appetites pt 1

2011-01-07T08:00:00.002-06:00

Well I am changing things up a bit for a few weeks... your going to see the seminary student in me break through!! I listened to 3.5 of the Passion sermons. I didn't finish Piper's sermon or Louie's last one. I plan on purchasing the sermons so hopefully I'll get to finish them soon.

I am not starting in any particular order... each speaker spoke on a different topic although all relate to each other perfectly. I am starting with Andy Stanley's message. It was fantastic and has left my head spinning. So much truth to what he says. I think that my previous post from the Chronicles of Narnia was perfectly placed before this as a preface to these next few posts.

Stanley chose to talk on appetites. The one quote that stood out to me was, "Control your appetites, or they will control you."

He introduced this topic as something that is talked about very little, if at all. But, that our appetite has the ability to control our direct and the quality of our life... every part of our life.

This caught my attention and I immediately tuned in. I had never heard a message on appetite and wonder where this would lead. I was not at all prepared for the journey he would take me on.

The main thing to realize about your appetites... and we all have many, is that you can never get rid of them. They will, until the glorious day we meet our Maker, forever play a part in our life, in our decisions.

Their are lots of appetites... the obvious two, he stated, are food and sex. But there is the appetite for power, for wealth, for recognition, for stuff..... and so on.

Stanley stated 3 things that we need to know about our appetites.

The first is that appetites were created by God and are essentially good. It is sin that broke them, that distorted them.

The second is that an appetite will never be fully and finally satisfied. Never!! So many times I think... if only I could just have/get/be ______ then I would be happy. And how often do I buy/receive/go only to find out either that wasn't what I wanted or something else comes along that looks better.

And the third thing, the one I thought most thought-provoking, was that your appetite always whispers NOW, never LATER.

It is your response to your appetite that determines whether or not you fulfill God's potential for you.

My next post will be about the great story Stanley used to illustrate the above point.

So what are your appetites? Do you rule them, or do they rule you?

Thirsty?

2011-01-06T16:12:00.001-06:00

In my reader this morning I visited Sweet Water Blue Sky and her post for today was a quote from C.S. Lewis' book The Silver Chair. I have not read this book yet, nor have I read The Last Battle, the only two I have yet to read. I loved it so much I thought I should share it here and over the next week I will share a few of my other favorite quotes from the books I have read.

“Are you not thirsty?” said the Lion.

“I'm dying of thirst,” said Jill.

“Then drink,” said the Lion.

“May I - could I - would you mind going away while I do?” said Jill.

The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realized that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience. The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.

“Will you promise not to - do anything to me, if I do come?” said Jill.

“I make no promise,” said the Lion.

Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer.

“Do you eat girls?” she said.

“I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms,” said the Lion. It didn't say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.

"I daren't come and drink," said Jill.

"Then you will die of thirst," said the Lion.

"Oh dear!" said Jill, coming another step nearer. "I suppose I must go and look for another stream then."

"There is no other stream," said the Lion.

Isn't that an amazing picture?? Let us never forget that there is only One who can truly satisfy our thirst.

Oh and by the way one of the Passion sermons I listened to focused on this subject, can't wait to sit and write about it!!!

A new year, a strange beginning

2011-01-03T13:30:00.001-06:00

The year begins in a strange way... at home.

For the past few years I have been here, worshiping our Savior with thousands, listening and learning from those who seek after Him, praying with brothers and sisters I had never met, and changing the world.

I will never forget my second time at Passion. It was the beginning of a year that would forever change my life.... a year of hardships, a year of new birth (my nephew), and a year when I finally started to grasp what it means to truly seek after Him... to truly pursue loving Him.

I remember that week like it was yesterday... the fun memories made on the road trip with friends, the speaker who introduced me to a crazy love, those late nights crying and struggling with how to handle a family situation, and His voice reassuring.... strengthening my faith.

Yesterday the alarm failed and so did my internal clock so church was missed. Instead of worshiping with my family I turned on the computer and watched a replay of Saturday's evening session. I sat there on my bed, hands raised, singing to Our God, the One who stands for me and fights for me. I listened to Louie speak to a crowd well over 20,000 strong encouraging them to live for Him. I sat and listened, sad to not be there alongside my brothers and sisters yet thankful for the technology to still here the messages.

I am looking forward to sharing with you some of the great things that I have heard so far and the ones that are still yet to come. To hear the words for yourself go here... but hurry the sessions are only there for a day or two.

Passion is something I hold dear to my heart. The ministry of 268 generation that puts on the conferences each year is doing great things to further His kingdom.... their name... their motto, comes from Isaiah 26:8, look familiar?? It should... it's where this humble space I call home gets it's name from.

A year of realizations, revelations, and reminders

2010-12-31T08:00:00.003-06:00

As the year draws to a close I think back to how the year began. I began this blog with a letter I had written to and for myself. It was written because I needed it to be recorded, because I needed to remember.

That is what I love most about writing here. It's a place to come and write down the things that need... must be remembered.

As I think back over this year I see a constant struggle. Months where I completely trusted Him with no hesitation. Then there were months I didn't even search for His voice. Over the last few months I finally recognized this and searched for reasons why.

I think I found it.

Words have not yet been formed into sentences for me to write on this reason but I think that is because I still do not know the depth of it.

I recently took some time to reread that letter I had written this time last year. Lots of memories came flowing in, memories of pain, confusion, and loneliness. The way I learned so many of those lessons are very vivid in my memory and it took me a little while to get through it.

The past year has been very different from the previous one. It has been the year of realizations, revelations, and reminders. Throughout the year I have seen very little growth and for a while I felt guilty about this, then I realized that what the Lord has been doing is pruning. He has been cutting here and cutting there the things in my life that have... that are slowing me down.

First I realized that the whole thing about God doing His best in you when are at the end of yourself is true, however you must empty yourself of yourself daily. Being empty is not a one time process, and it is amazing how quickly I am at filling up on myself.

I realized that last year was a year full of lessons on grace, and so was this year.

He revealed to me that while last year I did a good job listening to this advice: you can ask God why... just don't get stuck there; however this year I got stuck.... a lot.... a WHOLE lot.

I realized that I still struggle with what it means to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. Day after day, night after night, He encourages me, sends His words to surround me, and yet I still have days when I feel unable, alone, and weak.

He revealed to me that I still have problems with the word trust.

I realized that I need Him more than I realize.

I remembered that I am forgiven.

I remembered that grace came free of charge, no strings attached, and on the house. Although I failed to give it that way enough.

He revealed that grace is one of those things that will take a lifetime to grasp... not just a year.

He revealed to me that writing is good for the soul.

I realized that giving thanks will change the way you see Him.

I once again remembered that He is faithful even though I am not.

And I realized just how blessed I am to be apart of this bloggy world that is full of amazing, faith-filled people like you that He uses to encourage and strengthen my faith.

Things that need to be remembered

2010-12-29T13:22:00.001-06:00

The day of celebration for the birth of the King has come and gone. The decorations are mostly packed back in their boxes to be stored until next year.

The nativity is taken down, carefully wrapped and placed in a box. I wrap each piece and pray that as the box gets stored away that the thoughts of them do not.

As I sit here typing, rain is falling. A steady flow of drops for several hours. Rainy days.... my absolute favorite (although a snowy one would top it).

It's the type of day that forces me to sit and do nothing... a day to sit and ponder on the holy. My prayer is, as I think about those small figurines sitting in their box, that they will not be forgotten.

I want to remember the shepherds, and their rejoicing at the sight of the infant Christ. May they remind me throughout the year that the Father chose to send angels to some lowly shepherds, the keepers of sheep, ones thought to be ignorant, and a job looked down upon in that society. I pray that my response to Him is like that of the shepherds who immediately went to see that which the angel told them. And that my reaction, like theirs, is to be filled with worship.

I want to remember the kings who came to see a baby... who by faith followed a star having no idea what is was that they would find. I want to remember that even though He came as Immanuel, He is first and foremost a King and deserves respect and honor.

I want to remember the story of Joesph and Mary. Joesph, a man who trusted the Lord and did as he was told even though it must have been hard. Mary, a woman who had found favor in His eyes... oh to be one in whom He has found favor, is that not the ultimate achievement in life!

And lastly I want to remember this year that He came as a babe. He fully understood His purpose and what would be required and yet He came willingly.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T10:00:00.001-06:00

Hope you all are having a very Merry Christmas:-)

Most importantly I hope you all are take a few minutes today to thank the One who is the reason why we celebrate this day.

Here is a short video telling the Christmas story in a very unique way.... enjoy and Merry Christmas!!!!

Merry Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T10:00:00.002-06:00

It's Christmas Eve!!!!!

The Eve of the birth of the Promised Messiah!!

Oh what a night that must of been so very long ago. I can't imagine what was going through the minds of Joesph and Mary that night. I am sure they were quite frustrated that they could find no one willing to put up a very pregnant woman and her husband that evening.

I wonder what Joesph thought about laying his new little boy in a manger full of straw, after all he was a carpenter and if they had been at home I am sure that the newly born King would of had a hand-crafted cradle.

I wonder if Mary was just simply thankful for a quiet and dry place to welcome her precious baby into this world. That's how I imagine her; simple, humble, and thankful. I imagine her touching Joesph's arm reassuring him that a stable is just fine. After all there is no need to worry about whether or not this baby would make it to the world safely.

I wonder if the shepherds had any idea that in just a few hours their life would be changed forever. Maybe the sheep could feel a change in the air.

I wonder what heaven was like that night, all the angels knowing exactly what was about to happen. If the ones who were going to tell the news to the shepherds were shaking with excitement.

I wonder where the 3 wise-men were on their star-following journey. I wonder if they had even the slightest clue of what is was that they would find.

I wonder if Jesus was counting down the minutes till He would enter the world and begin His journey to the cross, to the moment that He would make it possible for His bride to have eternal life.

I wonder if the Father let tears fall as He watched His Son come into the world as a baby, knowing exactly the cost His Son was willing to pay for some mere humans.

"Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall call His name Immanuel,
(God with us)."
Matthew 1:23

A Gingerbread football stadium

2010-12-23T10:00:00.008-06:00

A few years ago the oldest P kid and I decided to build a real gingerbread house.... not one of those things out of a kit.

The first one was a Victorian style house complete with a bay window. It was about a foot tall and we were really impressed with ourselves.

Little did I know what I was getting myself into:-o

This year I asked Aust what we were going to make and he didn't bat an eye, "the razorback stadium."

"Oh really!" said a very surprised me.

"Yep, I thought we could use a challenge."

"Hmmmm.... welll...... ok as long as you figured out how to support it."

While shopping for materials the 8 yr old P daughter and I ran into a friend and was asked what we were doing... she replies, "getting stuff to build a gingerbread football stadium." To which I just smiled and said that we didn't know how to do simple at the P house. KK didn't miss a beat!! She just looked at me and said, "Well that would be boring!"

Oh my, what kind of monsters have I created??!!!

Since my handy iPhone has been causing me all sorts of problems I don't have pictures of the first few stages. But here are the first ones I took.....

At this point we had already spent 10+ hours on it

Yes that is a hot glue gun you see.... we are cheaters.... but did you really expect us to use just icing???

Other then hot glue and some popsicle sticks baked into the gingerbread for support, everything else is somewhat edible.

For those of you who are Arkansans you will notice this is NOT Donald W Reynolds football stadium, it happens to be War Memorial!!

We decided to scale back just a bit when we saw that our original plans wouldn't fit on the 4x5 (FOOT!!) table Aust built to hold the thing:-) So no upper deck and the stands don't go all the way around.

Here are the two end zones in process

The words are M&M's cut in half and glued down.
The middle picture is the field house (I know War Memorial doesn't have one but the original plan was for this to be the D.W.R. so we just stuck with the field house) and behind the field house is the where the jumbo tron will go.

Monkey wanted to help and she LOVES washing dishes and did so for over an hour:-)

Ok so next up is the almost finished field... this process of laying white coconut and green coconut took FOREVER!!! At least 4 hours with three of us working on it!!!

This pic shows the almost complete stands. The corner took a few times to get right:-/

And this is what it looks like after at least 20 hours put into it.... Jumbo tron still needs to be finished, i.e. the final score of that wonderful AR vs LSU game that was played a few weeks ago:-)

Closeup of the finished field with the uprights in place.

I tried to get an aerial pick my phone wouldn't cooperate with me. Here's the best one I got.

It really is pretty sweet.... (no pun intended, hehe)

Now what to create next year..........

Tis the season..... for pondering

2010-12-22T10:00:00.001-06:00

Driving in car, listening to a favorite album and doing a whole lot of thinking.

The incarnation consumes my thoughts.. for days now I can't stop pondering on. The theologian in me desperately wants to grasp the complexity of it. I know it is impossible here on this earth, with this mind, but someday I will.

The question why... how.... they are asked. But the one I cannot stop asking is, "What was it like?"

What was it like to be fully man/baby.... and yet fully God?
Was the cross on Your mind the moment You slipped into this world?
Did You remember carefully knitting each and every face that came to see You that night?

I want to know how it worked??

Was Your mind that of an infant, or that of the One who has always been?
Did Your eyes work like that of an baby, or did could You still see the unseen?
Were You confined to a body or where You still working alongside the Father creating the very souls that would one day crucify You?

Did You know that the whole world was resting on You shoulders?

Monday's gratitude list

2010-12-21T13:07:00.002-06:00

It's only a few days now till the day we celebrate His birth.

I love this time of the year.. when it seems like the whole world celebrates for His birth, and most don't even realize that they are doing just that.

My play is over... the kids did a fabulous job and I had so much fun getting to know all of them.

My presents are all wrapped and some even delivered.

I got my first gifts this weekend. My favorite.... dinner with a family I have come to call my own.

#556-567

A weekend with friends and family

Watching the parents reactions to their children in the play

Watching those that I wasn't quite sure would remember their lines remember and do remarkably well.

Seeing baby Ben as baby Jesus.... and what a fantastic job the 6 month old did:-)

Watching the Pat's game with my favorite 8-yr old who gets just as excited as I do:-)

Snuggling with the little ones before they go to bed

Watching their faces light up as I play their fav worship song that I finally remembered to upload on my phone

Listening the littlest one singing about His love coming down to rescue us, if only we all could learn at this at the age of 4.

Creating masterpieces out of gingerbread with the now teenager of the group.

That masterpiece finally getting finished after at least 12 hours of working on it

Watching the kids open their gifts and excited that they are just as thrilled to get books as I was to give them books.

Finally sitting down to dinner with this sweet family... first time in the new house!

Oh the holidays.....

2010-12-14T16:07:00.003-06:00

The holidays are upon us and as they were approaching I was full of anticipation, eager to bring out the decorations, and full of excitement for what was ahead.

Now that they are here, the excitement dwindles.

I forgot about the loneliness that creeps in with the holidays.

I forgot about the hurtful part of greeting old friends.

I forgot......

You see being a single girl, amongst a group of married friends and family is quite difficult, in a way that you wouldn't understand unless you've been there. And I mean really been there. And the difficulty of it is magnified during the holidays.

It's hard to always here, "Well I need to check with..." or, "No, ....and I already did that."

And there is nothing fun about showing up to every function by yourself.

But the worse part of it is seeing those you don't normally see throughout the years and having to answer all those unwanted questions about your life and how unsuccessful you have been (in their eyes of course).

It takes everything I have and some strength from the One above to answer each interrogating question with a smile.

"Yes, I'm still single."

"No, I am not seeing anyone."

And the really ignorant ones go a step further... "Don't you think it's time to be settling down?"

I force a smile and just say no, after all I really enjoy the freedom that comes with singleness.

Sometimes I even chuckle and tell them that my four-legged boyfriend leaves no time for a two-legged boyfriend (which is partially true thus the chuckle)

Little do they know the tears that are flowing beneath the surface. Of course I want to be settling down, its the deepest desire of my heart to be married.

The question I wish I could ask them is how I get the Creator of the Universe, and the Director of my steps to put that plan in motion? Is there a secret that I am unaware of? Is there some magic prayer that I need to be saying to get Him to understand just how much I want it to be my turn? Because I would love to be enlightened.

So, I suppress the strong urge to be hateful and remind my self that people rarely think before they speak.

.... and to be full of grace.

Because the One I serve says it is not man that I should seek to please but Him and only Him.

And then someone ends the conversation with, "you look so happy."

That's because I am.

Because I am in the center of His will and that my friends, is the very best place to be.

#541-555

The beauty of Christmas, a time to celebrate the promise of our Messiah

The beauty in knowing that the promise was fulfilled.

The way Christmas lights make everything look so pretty.

Enjoying the cold... and everything that comes with it like...

Hot chocolate...

And hot tea...

And warm blankets.

The love for my warm snugly, blankets piled on high bed.

The struggle to get out of that warm bed when the morning alarm goes off.

The joyful feeling once I finally get out of that bed, pull on the thick layers of clothes and trudge out to fix breakfast for my fuzzy children.

The greeting from an old friend every morning as I walk out to serve her a steaming, hot breakfast.

That sweet nicker I hear as I near the gate.

The sweet smell of hay as I toss out a flake for each.

Watching those fuzzy children race around in the morning cold, full of energy and life.

Realizing that feeding them makes getting up early worth it.

My 4-legged boyfriend :-)

What now

2010-12-09T08:00:00.004-06:00

I do not believe in coincidences... because I believe in the Holy Spirit.

And it should not surprise me that while in the midst of my own struggles that I am lead to a story about struggles.

And it is through this story that He speaks to my heart and reminds me that He is a faithfully forgiving and grace giving Father.

A character asks her great-grandma what she should do about the trouble she seems to have gotten herself into.

Immediately she is answered, "You're going to eat right and get your health back.You're going to stop kicking yourself. You're going to get back up and put one foot in front of the other and get on with your life. That's what we all have to do."

The reply is very much a cry from my own heart, "You make it sound so easy."

Her Oma reminds her that nothing is easy. "Life isn't easy. We do the best we can with what God gives us."

Still unsure of herself she states, "I've made a mess of everything." A cry that I'm afraid I know all too well.

Then come the words from the wise old grandma who has been in that spot so many times herself.

"It's not about what you've done. It's about what you're going to do now."

The very same words my Father whisper to me each time I think I've reach the point of no return.

Because He never kicks those who are down.

He does not dwell on our past.

The Almighty tells us that He takes our mistakes, our wrongdoings, our sins... and cast them as far as the east is from the west.

All I have to do is let them go.... it is I.... never Him who dwells on those things already done... already in the past.

The story mentioned above comes from Francine River's book "Her Daughter's Dream"

Just do the next right thing

2010-12-07T14:38:00.001-06:00

I've been reading this blog for almost a year now... at first I thought the idea of counting blessings was a sweet one. I read a few other blogs that joined in the counting and enjoyed reading their lists. Then just before summer arrived I joined in the journey to a thousand gifts. Little did I know just how much of an impact that small, yet ever growing list would have on my life.

The impact of this list slowly crept in, at first unnoticed. Then I forgot about it... got to busy to take the time to count. I'm sure you know how that is.

But here recently the Almighty keeps whispering in my ear about it. He doesn't nag me about it, it's more like a constant tapping on the shoulder. An encouraging tapping, because He knows the importance of this lesson and apparently wants me to grasp its importance.

I think, maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to understand the importance.

You see a few weeks ago the counting became something pushed to the back burner. One of those I'll-do-it-tomorrow things. And then I wrote this post and realized that I desperately needed to get back in the habit.

But I kept forgetting. Or maybe a part of me didn't want to?

I'm learning that when we live in a constant state of gratitude their is no room for selfishness. And I am a selfish person. One thing that counting my blessings has done is show me just how selfish I really am. It has brought out the child in me. I realize that when things don't the way I want them to I tend to shut Him out.

Because the way my life goes primarily depends on the plans He has for me.

I forget that the one who allows the Lord to direct his steps is one who will be richly blessed.

I forget that His ways are better then mine.

I forget....

Then I realized that my enemy has been successfully diverting me from this task because he is fully aware of just how dangerous giving thanks can be.

And that just makes me mad. When I start to look at life through His eyes I begin to see my flesh for what it really is.

It breaks my heart... because once again I have strayed from His arms.

But I do only what I can do... and that is to do the next right thing. Which is to count....

# 530-540

Thanksgiving.... because we must learn to give thanks.

Family.... because they are who I have for the rest of my life

Friends.... because without them I think I would be lost

The holiday season.... because it reminds of the 2 most important things: gratitude and the birth of our Savior

Christmas... because of all the decorating
                   and all the glitter
                   and its the season giving
                   and baking
   and Christmas music
                   and because without the birth of my Savior I would
                   be forever lost

The struggle with-in

2010-11-27T13:16:00.001-06:00

It's been well over a week since I have ventured here to share my thoughts... my heart.

To be very honest with you I have stayed far away from this place... and it's not for lack of writing material.

I started writing here for myself.... as a way to record those things that He teaches me. A place that I could go back and read for myself what I have learned.... what I should of remembered.... and maybe share a few things with a few close friends.

But the God I serve once again shows me that it is never about me... and always about Him. One thing I have learned in the short time I have been blogging is that God uses the broken, the humble, the ones who feel so unworthy. He uses them in ways that make them uncomfortable.

I can't even begin to express my gratitude for the sweet words that so many of you leave for me to see.

I am once again left amazed at how He works.... after all none of you know the heart struggle I have. But He does, and He sends words of encouragement when I need it the most.

You see there is a monstrous struggle going on inside of me. A tug-a-war of sorts between my flesh and my spirit. It slowly wears me down.

Another day goes by and as it draws to a close I head for bed. I turn to close the door and stop.... there right in front of me is a door covered in words.... words given to me from Him.

As I read the many verses my mind wanders back to the moments that each were written... each one holds a special meaning, all written down in moments when I thought I was lost beyond hope, moments when I felt no peace. Words of encouragement from the only One who can speak to the depths of my soul.

My eyes land on one, I close my eyes and let it sink in.

For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."
Deuteronomy 20:4

I do not fight this battle alone...

And according to this, losing is not an option.

Oh how wonderful and marvelous our Father is. He who is faithful to fight for us even when we prove to be unfaithful to Him.

I will give thanks

2010-11-18T15:57:00.001-06:00

The days have been dreary. The days have been gloomy.

Not suffocatingly dark.... but not breathtakingly bright.

I feel like He is distant... but i know it is I that is distant.

Why is it that when I become gloomy that I blame Him?

When I finally let it go.... when I finally come to lay it at His feet feet... to figure a way out of the shadows, He says to give thanks.

Give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

#501-505

I am thankful for my home... my roommate.... my job.... my co-workers... enough to pay my bills and a few extras.

#506-510

I am thankful for my singleness which gives me time to serve others.... take spontaneous trips... finish school.... ride my horses... and random sleepovers with precious children.

I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness; I will sing praises of the the name of the Lord Most High.
Psalm 7:17

#511-516

I am thankful for my church... for the chance to love on some kids... for the blessing that those children are to me..... for my fellow AWANA leaders and our pursuit to spur those kids on in memorizing scripture and drawing closer to Him.... for a family that knows what love is.... for a place to worship with fellow believers.... for a feast on the Word each and every Sunday.

I will give thanks to You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonderful deeds.
Psalm 9:1

#517-519

I am thankful that I am His..... that I get to tell of His wonderful deeds... for living in a country that offers the freedom to speak of Him.

Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.
Psalm 106:1

#520-523

I am thankful for His love... for His grace... for His mercy, and that they are free and that they will last forever.

I will give You thanks, for You answered me; You have become my salvation.
Psalm 118:21

#524-529

I am thankful for salvation.... for sacrifice.... and for His loyalty. I am thankful for a God who not only listens to my prayers but answers them. I am thankful that He answers them according to His will..... not mine.

I count aloud the things that He has blessed me with and slowly the clouds break and the sun peeks through.

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/Zs4bEZFdAD-LCbrJssIbYQ

Truths to remember

2010-11-12T11:00:00.004-06:00

Days go by and struggles come,

sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.

The flesh in me wants to do wrong,

the Spirit says to do right.

I want to do right. I don't always succeed.

The problem is no matter how hard I try to justify it,

wrong is never right, and truth never lies.

I wrestle with my flesh, I want His peace.

I forget that peace never fights.

When will I learn to sit still in His peace

and let Him do the fighting.

I yearn for brokenness,

and it comes in the form of tears.

The trouble is that tears, they dry.

I search for ways to earn my way back to Him,

yet I somehow forget,

that His grace is always free.

I am convinced that I have to earn His love,

and that it runs out.

But I don't, and it doesn't.

The beauty of my Savior is

that His love is free

and it never runs dry.

Stillness

2010-11-11T15:07:00.001-06:00

Scripture tells us to come before Him... to kneel before His throne and declare that He is God.

But I am wretched, a fractured human torn into a thousands pieces. And those pieces are distracting. I want to be put back together... but first I have to let go.

Which means I have to go back.... and think of those regrets, of those unwise choices.

Scripture says....

As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:12

We must let it be true in us.... for us.

Scripture also tells us that we can never flee from His presence.

A comforting... yet daunting truth.

It means that He is there in those hiding places. The dark ones we sneak off to when we think no one is watching. Those places we go to feed..... pacify our addictions and pains.

He is there... always there.... always watching.

He says to us...

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30

When we take on His yoke, we leave behind

our worries

all our doubts

concerns about the future

the distress we carry within

the things that cause us pain

and everything that keeps us up at night

Then we find that His yoke is

light

gentle

comforting

effortless

undemanding

abundant

Then I can be still.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God."
Psalm 46:10

The more I seek

2010-11-04T12:17:00.002-05:00

Lying in bed talking to my Maker..... thinking....

The year is almost gone which means a birthday is soon to follow. Not just any birthday.... that one birthday. The one which I had set some goals for.... my goals.... my plans.... not His.

A conversation with my sister stirs in me feelings I have not felt in quite awhile. She didn't mean to hurt me, her words were in no way unkind. Words spoken to me by many people and all who have my best interests at heart. It's not their fault they hurt.

In some ways I think they must hurt. After all....

When I set up my own plans without asking Him the consequences are almost always painful.

That struggle with loneliness creeps back in and seeks to set up camp.

I let it.

I spend the next few days dwelling there... asking Him why. But I know why.... It's that topic of reckless abandonment that I wrote on just recently. He wants everything.... all my desires... all my hopes.... all my dreams. He wants me to yearn for Him like I yearn for that family I so desperately want.

I ask for His comfort... for His peace... for a stronger faith.

But I don't look for it.

I read a friends blog and it makes me stop and think. How often I miss Him. And then I think about all the things I have missed. He did answer my prayer, it was I who did not seek Him. It is I who stopped looking.

I have a sweet puppy who sits on the couch with me while I watch a movie... his head on my lap soaking up every moment with his favorite person. Every morning he is happy to see me.... he spends his whole day looking for me, waiting for that moment that I walk through the door and pet him.

I have time to spend in the saddle.... to take a trailride and soak in His beauty.

I have time to sneak over to the nephew's house, watch a movie, tickle his toes, and read him stories.

I have a little girl in my Awana's group who thinks of me all week long... and gives me a mountain of pictures drawn by her every Wednesday night.

Then just last night a question asked to a crowd of kids about people they are thankful for gets one to stand up and thank his Sunday school teacher.... just a sentence.. but one that warmed my heart in a way he will never know.

In simple yet profound ways He tells me that the more I seek Him the more I will find Him... but I must seek... and search.... and look for Him in every situation.

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.
Deuteronomy 4:29

O How He Loves me so

2010-11-03T13:23:00.002-05:00

It's Sunday morning and a visit to a different church while visiting my brother speaks louder to my heart then any other service I have been too as of late. It wasn't a profound sermon preached, nor was it some new song that was sung.

It was in fact just a brief moment, during a song that is a favorite... sung many times before. The words are fairly simple....o how He loves me... sung over and over. Then the sentence is changed... o how I love you....

I start to sing the words but nothing comes out. I sang the words o how He loves me with ease. I know He loves me, He tells me so all the time. Never a question is the Father's love for His daughter... His chosen one... His beautiful bride.

But the words o how I love you... should they even be sung?

Do I love Him in even a fraction of the way He loves me?

Should I sing about my love for Him right after I sing about His love for me?

O how He loves me....

O how I love Him.....

It seems as though those two sentences are as different as night and day.

I think about the way He loves me, how it never wavers, how undeserving of it I am. Then I think about the way I love Him and I want to shrink into a dark hole. My love for Him is never consistent. He is as deserving of love as you can get, yet the One who is loved the least.

The song is over just as quickly as it began and I sit down for the rest of the service. The moment lingers... I spend the morning.... day... week.... month... pondering on those two sentences.

A song sung this week at my church brings tears to my eyes. The love given by a mere man is absolutely nothing compared to that of the love from the Father.

His love is what gives me strength. Without it I would cease to survive. It is what gives me hope. It's everything that my heart cries out for.

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

I have seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and Your glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.

I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You.

On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night. Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. I cling to You; Your right hand upholds me.
Psalm 63:1-8

An update from my crazy busy life

2010-11-02T15:13:00.001-05:00

Well my blogger friends life has been crazy!!! The moth of October was sooooo busy. I thought the month had just started and then BAM November's here. You ever have months like that???

Well it is officially my favorite time of the year:-) Fall which leads into winter!! I love all the pretty colors that come with fall and I love cold weather. There really is nothing better then curling up in a comfy chair, snuggled in a blanket, with a cup of hot chocolate or tea or coffee, reading a book or watching a movie.

Just the other morning I went out to feed and saw this

Frost!!!!! Sad news for my flowers.... they won't have their pretty blooms for much longer:-( But with frost comes a whole new type of beauty.

I took this pic of Dutch eating her breakfast and I love how the sun rays sparkle here.

And this is perhaps my fav pic I've taken in awhile.

Does that not take your breathe away?? I Love the color of the sky, the way the sun peaks through the trees and the sparkle of the frost on the blades of grass.

Well October was busy but I'm afraid that November will be even busier!! I have taken on the role of play director/choir director for my church's Christmas program. Never done either before but I'm always up for a challenge and the hard it is the better I like it:-) Of course I don't do anything the easy way nor do I do simple so of course I am rewriting/merging 2 plays together for this program. The play that I was given is great but not nearly enough parts and far too short for the talent that is at my church. I really like my finished product and look forward to seeing how it turns out. We have only 6 practices!!!! The performance date is Dec 19 so as you can imagine I will be busy, busy, busy!!!

I wouldn't do life any other way though.... I like being busy. However, I don't know the last time I ever had a season in life where I wasn't busy so I don't have a clue what sitting around is like.... maybe I would like it, lol.

I am working on some really good stuff but as you can see there is a lot on my plate writing wise so most of my com time has been on the play. Look for some new posts in the next week. God's been putting a few post on my heart and His posts are always better then mine. I can't wait to see how they turn out. I love it when He gives me words to share with others.... I love it when He gives me words period!!!

O how I love this awesome God we serve!!!!

Counting a multitude of Blessings

2010-10-26T16:03:00.001-05:00

October has been such an incredibly busy month.... I sure do hope November settles down, although with the approach of the holidays I doubt that it will. I will say that I love the months of November and December. The holiday season is def one of my favs and I adore Christmas and almost everything that comes with it. However with the added craziness sometimes it is the important things in life that get forgotten.... like for instances.... my quiet time.

Why is it that when life gets busy... when I most need His Word... I cut it out? Am I really that easily persuaded by the enemy? Sadly I guess that I am. The next thing that goes is the counting of blessings. When I stop listening to Him I stop finding Him. No wonder my life has been feeling weird as of late. So here am I confessing all here on this blog, for all to see, mainly for my own eyes, so that I might keep myself accountable. And now for the phrase that my friends and I always say to one another.... just do the next right thing. So I am....... and by the way..... I have reached the half way point of my 1000 gifts(-:

#476-500

Fall

Evenings cool enough for hoodies

New blog layout that has pretty fall colors

All the leaves turning bright colors expressing the creativity of their Maker

A weekend camping trip

A lost flashlight found

Nights spent in a tent... just me and the dog

A whole day spent in the saddle

A long and surprisingly peaceful ride on my Romeo

A short but fun ride on my sweet mare

Sunset ride on a schoolmaster

Yummy camping food

Late night talks with new friends

Learning new things about old sports

Seeing His creation from the back of one of my favorites of His creation

A harsh thunderstorm forcing me to move my tent to the barn where I then fell asleep to the lovely sound of my horses munching away on their hay

Falling asleep to the sound of rain hitting the metal barn roof(-:

Being woken up by that all-to-familiar will-you-get-up-and-feed-me-already nicker from that mare I've had for more then half my life now

The joy of a good winning football weekend

Running errands with my mom talking about life

Surprising my nephew at school

Playing basketball with the nephew

The random statements that a three year old makes

Sitting with friends enjoying a yummy stew

Pondering with a bf about the different between Moses, Jacob, and Joshua (from the OT) and how I wish I was more like Joshua but really I'm a Jacob and sometimes a Moses

What do I know of Him

2010-10-19T12:42:00.001-05:00

It's raining today and I think this....

How much more we appreciate the rain after a season of drought.

The earth has been dry for many months and as the rain falls the trees drink their full.

The Almighty takes care of even the smallest little flower... and it causes my thoughts to wonder back to the topic of His glory.

The pastor has been preaching on this for several weeks now and I seem to be consumed by it.

Isn't that how I should always be? Constantly consumed by the glory of the One who gives me life.

I listen again to the song that seems to be the only one I listen to as of late.

What do I really know of Him?

Is it even possible to understand even a small piece of the One who is Everlasting? Isn't every glimpse of His character just that... a glimpse, an indication of what He might be? Does the Creator allow His creation to see even a speck of His glory? Would I survive if I did see His glory?

His glory is as vast as the ocean and I stand but on the shore, seeing only the small waves that wash over my feet. Just a small dose... after all too much and I would drown.

He reveals His glory like He sends the rain. Sometimes in a steady drizzle, over many days. Sometimes it pours down on me and fills me like a raging river carrying more water then it can hold.

The rain here stops and the sun comes out to shine. But the ground still longs for rain.... the little that fell did not satisfy the longing.

And that's how I feel after receiving just a mere glimpse of His glory. The little that fell takes away my breath, yet I so desperately want more.

But like the rain it most stop. For if it does not it will bring about my death for no man can withstand the weight of the fullness of His glory.

Multitude Monday

2010-10-18T09:00:00.007-05:00

A few Mondays have come and gone without a single thanksgiving recorded here. It's a sad thing when I get so wrapped up that I can't even take the time to write down a few of the things that my Creator has done for me.

Because He is faithful even when I am not I will continue to count.....

#448-475

The mercy that is found on the cross

Weekend visit to see baby brother

Hugging baby brother

Watching that little boy grow up into a man

Time with the parents

Phone conversations with a friend who lives away

A football game with my wonderful dad and my ~~sometimes~~ fantastic little brother

Enjoying that enormous Texas stadium

Seeing my "big brother" and "nephew" at that same game

Fellowship with believers who have been walking with Him longer then I have been alive

Sweet homemade gifts from a sweet little one at AWANA'S

Watching God answer prayers that seem to be impossible to fix

Knowing and being reassured that with God ALL things are really possible

Capturing sweet memories with my nephew

Taking time to braid my young horses mane

A trail ride with the old friend

Soaking in God's beauty as I ride through the trees

Cool, crisp, fall mornings

Sweet words whispered from above while in worship to my King

Reassurance from above that I am never really alone

A weekend full of good food and fellowship with people I am just starting to get to know

The blessings that come from taking time to help one who is not yet a believer

Friends who join me in on-your-knees-crying-out-to-the-Lord for a friend who is still blind to His hope

God using that unbeliever to point out the hope that I have and to never underestimate the peace that comes with living every day knowing that He is there and that I have something to live for

His love

His compassion

His mercy

His faithfulness

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

Reckless Abandonment

2010-10-15T22:32:00.001-05:00

Lying in bed, thinking about Him, searching for ways to be closer… to better know who He is.

I read from His book but still want more… my eyes move to the bookcase across the room.

I make my way and run my hands over all the different spines that fill the shelves. So many choices…..so many voices…..so many words.

Words….I’m so consumed with words. With the power that they have.

I search for words….words from one who has walked before me, from one who is far wiser then I could ever hope to be, one who might shed light on a part of Him that I have yet to find.

My hands stop, hover over a worn copy of a book. One that was given to me in the first few years of my journey here in the real world, in a world that often takes the unexpected turns, in a world where the only way to true happiness is found in the One who is the definition of happiness.

I am not yet ready to share the name of this book...maybe sometime soon...maybe far in the future…..maybe never unless asked.

I carry it back to the bed with me, open the cover and read the note from the wise women who so graciously made it a point to give it to me. The words turn blurry through my tear-filled eyes as I feel His arms wrap around me in a way that is unexplainable. He sends comfort to me in my most favorite way….through words.

Reckless abandonment

Those are the words that He speaks….

Reckless abandonment

That is what He wants from me.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.

Recklessly follow Me….recklessly love Me….recklessly leave behind all that you know, all that is comfortable, all that is normal, all that you think will fulfill you.
Leave it all

All of it?

Yes, all of it.

I want it all….all your hopes, all your dreams, all your desires…..all your plans.

I am all you have ever hoped for….I will make your dreams come true….I will fulfill your deepest desires….and I will make all your plans.

But to do so means giving up everything.

Everything

“A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to ‘accept’ Christ without forsaking the world.” A.W. Tozer

Following Him with reckless abandonment requires forsaking the world and all that it has to offer.

So few truly understand that following Him cannot be done half-heartedly. He will not be satisfied with just a part of you...He wants all or nothing.

Giving up everything to Him means that I must die….and death is painful.

He promises life, life abundantly. The dreams, the desires, the plans that He offer’s are worth that painful death.

Its not just a religion to follow.

No, He wants more from you then just some religious acts. He wants your heart...my heart.

He wants me to recklessly abandon everything.... and follow Him.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me."
Matthew 16:24

Friday Update

2010-10-08T10:00:00.001-05:00

Hello blogger friends.... I'm afraid the last few weeks have been bad for blogging.

As you know, I am an avid horse lover and I love all things Dressage, Eventing, and Jumping so since the World Equestrian Games (they are our sports biggest event... like even bigger then the Olympics) are going on right here in our country for the first time in history. Since I am poor I cannot be there in person so the 2nd best thing is to watch it live from my computer.... so that my friends is why I have not been here lately :-)

So now, for a quick update. Today I am on my way to Texas.... which by using my handy dandy iphone I might just be able to update from the road(: I am on my way to see ~~the hogs play~~ my baby brother. He has been gone to tech training for a few months now, and I'm sorta starting to miss him... lol. Nah, I really do miss that kid, and I can't wait to hug him... that is if he will hug his older sister, he is still a teenager so its not cool to hug your siblings yet.

And along with seeing my brother, dad got tickets to the Arkansas vs. A&M game!!!!!!!

I have the BEST dad ever!!!!

He sure knows the way to my heart :-)

I am sooooo excited to see the game... and the best part about it is that it is at Texas stadium... that big HUGE stadium with the ginormous screen. I'm forgetting that it is home to those nasty cowboys (sorry if your a fan but I just cant say much nice about them, except for Felix Jones). It's a wonderful opportunity to experience a small piece of greatness in football.... sigh.... I sure do love fall!!!

Well I got to go pack and get ready to leave so goodbye... for now!!

Jesus is not crazy

2010-10-07T15:47:00.001-05:00

I babysit this sweet little 5 yr old 2 nights a week. Her mommy does not know Him and lives a life full of darkness. I get to love on her little girl, take her to church, and tell her about her Father who loves her. I get to pray over her, with her, and plant seed after seed in her little heart. She loves AWANA'S and I can't even begin to tell you just how important Wed are to her... to me as I care for her. There is not much in this world as precious as a little one reciting words... but not just any words... His Words.

Words are powerful... as I writer I am well aware of this fact, and so are many of you.

His words are powerful but more importantly they are life changing.

Today they might not mean anything to this little girl... but He says that if you hide His word in your heart then He will make it a lamp to your path.

My prayer is of course that through Sparks this little one will come to know Him as her personal Savior... that she will grasp as much as she can the greatness of His love.

I also pray that one day... maybe a long time from now... maybe not....

That one day, when she is older... when she is lost... when she doesn't know which way is up.... when she feels lonely... sad... or unloved....

That on that day she will remember the Words memorized so long ago at the tender age of 5 that He is mighty in power. That for He so LOVED the world that He sent His son. That He loves her. That in her darkest hour it is His light that provides the way out.

She may not ever remember the name of her babysitter but I pray that she reminders that babysitters God.

This sweet little girl already knows that God is great, the maker of all things. She already knows that He loves her and that He made her to be sooooo special. Sparks has been a great tool for us to talk to about the concept of sin and last night we had a great conversation about why Jesus had to die.

Just this morning on the way to meeting her mommy we had this conversation.

Me- "Dually (my roommates dog) is crazy!!"
5 yr old- (laughing) "Yes he is!!"
Me- "And so are we!!"
5yr old- "Yep, we sure are!!"
- long pause -
5 yr old- "Jesus isn't crazy. God isn't crazy."
Me- "Your right He's not."
5 yr old- "Nope, God is wise."

Theses words warmed my heart. I think that God has some special plans for this little girl.

No words today

2010-09-29T09:00:00.001-05:00

Today I come with nothing to say.

For once the words are not there.... as I search my thoughts for something, anything to write about nothing comes.

My walk with Him is quiet today. No soft words spoken from His mouth.

Maybe I'm not listening.... maybe I'm being to loud to hear His words.

Or maybe... just maybe today He is quiet.

There are hours... days... sometimes weeks that go by without that closeness, with that feeling that I am alone and that He is far away.

But I know that those feelings are deceiving.

He NEVER goes... He is NEVER far away.

He is here. He is close by. He is right here next to me... inside of me.

Never leaving, never changing, always listening, always here... always loving.

A good talk with close friends leads to conversations about finding Him.... about how we hear His voice.

And I remember reading this post from a favorite place and reading her words cause me to pause and really think.

"Maybe it's this: God hides with the poor and in the pain and we can only witness Him at His most beautifully creative work in the places needing redemption. Maybe we are only at our most beautiful work in the same places too --- the places where we don't hide behind the distractions of stuff, where we finally empty our hands of all our possessions and idols and come to God empty and ready. The places where we can make art with tears."

Maybe the reason why all is so quiet is because there are things in hiding... hidden even from myself. Maybe I don't want to find those things. Maybe I'm content being full of my possessions and idols. Maybe my heart is harder then I think it is.

This I know for sure: God does His very best work in me when I am completely empty of myself.

So I will not be content with silence today. Instead I will search... and pray for that emptiness. For the hidden to be made known. For all barriers that stand between me and His voice to be torn down.

My crazy, busy life: an update

2010-09-28T13:16:00.001-05:00

I just went a whole week without blogging.... it's been awhile since that has happened.

I started 3 different posts last week but never got around to finishing any. I know, kinda sad, right?

Well life has just been crazy and really busy... really, really busy.

I like it busy, although sometimes I have to remind myself to stop and take a few months to breathe. And I did just that, yesterday morning.

It has finally started to cool off around here. Hopefully it will stay that way and not return to that horrible above 90 degree weather that seemed to never want to end.

I have been riding 3 horses more then 3 days every week now for the last month and I feel great. Although all this exercising makes me hungry... all the time... and I mean its that stomach growling, starving feeling. I try to ignore it but it's kinda hard. I am hoping to lose more weight, and build muscle tone. So far no weight loss, which I attribute to A. the building of muscle (which I can tell) and B. the fact that I am eating more. I'm not eating unhealthy, well I was for a few weeks, but I nipped that one in the butt. So hopefully by Christmas I'll be down 10lbs.

Riding has been soooooooo good. I can't wait to see where I am come spring. It is so therapeutic for me. God has been doing some awesome things in my heart lately and hopefully in the next week I'll be able to write about some of them.

I never got around to counting my blessings last week (shame, shame on me)..... but I'm here now and that's what counts.

#426-447

It's fall... which means.....

Football games

Campfires

Cool, crisp mornings

Slightly warm afternoons

Perfectly cool evenings

Leaves changing

Bugs dying

Windows open

Music blaring

Horses fresh

Sweating to a minimal

Time for hoodies to come out

Good times for evening walks with friends

Still warm enough for flip flops

Yet cool enough for a jacket

Perfect mornings for a quiet time on the porch with a cup of hot coffee

A new season

Which means that last season is gone

A chance to begin again

A chance to leave behind old habits

Opportunities for new habits to form

He is because He is

2010-09-15T10:00:00.012-05:00

How do you know Him?

Don't ask me how I know Him.

I know Him because I do.

It might not make sense to you... but it does to me.

He is there because He is.

He is there because I can feel Him.... I can see Him... I can hear Him.

He and I are one. The Maker lives inside His creation. In their hearts.... in their soul.... closer to them then their very own skin.

My very breath depends on Him.

I see His hands in all creation.

How do you know He exists... you can't see Him.

Don't tell me He doesn't exist.

How can you look up at the stars and question their Maker?

How can you look at a newborn and not see the image of the One in who we are created to be like?

Do you really believe that all this happened by chance... that we really came from nothing?

What if your wrong??

What if your wrong??

I may not have all the answers but I know truth.

It is rather simple.... He is truth.

He is the I AM... upon which everything stands on.

Apart from Him there is no truth... no light... no life.

I do not know... can not know everything about Him.

But I do know this....

I am not wrong.

My new home.... and my amazing God

2010-09-14T14:40:00.002-05:00

Whew.... so there is so much to tell. My life is crazy busy. I am so thankful for this job that allows me to sit here and write. It may not pay much but it is definitely the job I need right now.

As you all know I have moved and horses are finally home with me. I, with my handy dandy new iphone, have finally taken some pics of the place.

Here is the side-view of the house with the barn in the background. Behind me is the pasture my horses are in.

Here are my 2 lovely steeds in their pasture.... they want me to stop taking pics and feed them their dinner(-:

Here is the barn

And the arena.... my favorite part(-:

I still can't believe that this is where I live. So far we have ridden almost every day. It is so fantastic to have someone to ride with. But now I must tell you the best part

You know, from reading all my past posts, that I've been struggling to understand the plan that God has for me right now. I know that one day my life will be consumed with a family, raising kids, homeschooling, taking care of my home, and being a wife. But I've wrestled with knowing what God wants me to do in the mean-time. Why He hasn't brought that man into my life has been a prevailing question. I've been praying, seeking out why I'm still single and what it is that He wants me to do during this season of life. I have heard Him tell me what He does not want me to do but no clear answers on what to do.

I know that part of it is that I am learning patience. This go-doer, fixer, constantly having to move person is learning the meaning of being still and waiting on the Lord. A very, VERY hard lesson for me to learn. But I am learning it.

So a little bit over a month ago I thought I heard Him tell me to ride horses. I struggled with this because I am very cautious when it comes to my horses. I often feel like that when I spend a lot of time with them or begin to pursue my dreams of competing that it is out of my own selfish desires. So when I heard Him say ride horses I questioned if that was His voice or mine.

Well I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more and the answer was clear to at least pursue it. So I did and that's how I ended up here.

I woke up this morning knowing that I clearly heard His voice in this and that I am in the center of His will. I know that this is exactly where He wants me.

A month ago, I only knew a handful of unbelievers and I was not close at all to any of them. In the past 2 weeks I have been surrounded by them and have begun to develop relationships with a few.

This is quite scary. It has been intimidating. One of the girls, JT, is searching. She is on the fence. She wants to believe in God but has some many unanswered questions. We had a long talk one night and it was somewhat discouraging. I don't have answers to her questions.

How do I know He is real?

Because I do.

I know that He lives inside of me.

I know that He is my Savior.

I know because I have a relationship with Him.

Because He and I are one... we cannot be separated. He is apart of me... closer then my own skin.

I may not be able to explain Him scientifically, but I can give you a reason for the hope that lives inside of me.

One thing I do know is that God cannot, and never will be, fully understood. If I could give a reasonable, rational answer to everything about Him then there would be no reason for faith. Faith is a key part in the relationship with Him. Belief in Him just because He says to is essential to salvation. It requires a humbleness, a realization that He is supreme and I am not. That He is holy and I am wretched. That I am in need of something that I can't get on my own. That above all I need Him... I need Him to give me faith to believe in Him.

And that's what I told her.

I told her that I wish I could answer her questions. But faith can't be explained... it must be experienced and it must be given by God.

I felt defeated after that conversation... that I should of said more. Worried that I didn't make sense or that what I said sounded uneducated. Doubt crept in and the enemy tried to set up camp inside of me.

Thankfully He is a God who encourages, who protects His sheep, and a God who hears the cries of His children.

Last night JT and I talked again. After an evening of working with the horses we sat down out back to talk. She told me that she respected me. She told me, (pardon the language but these are her words, not mine) that I wasn't someone she'd want to F*** with. That I actually intimidated her. That normally she is the type of person that sees someone like me and tries to mess them up. Not me, she said, I wouldn't want to mess you up. Then she tells me that being around me makes her cautious, that she catches herself not wanting to cuss around me.

I'm not telling you this to brag on myself... but because I was shocked.

It was totally a God thing. As I went to bed I heard His voice, "I told you to trust Me. This isn't about you... remember... it's all about Me. As long as you are willing and obedient you will eat the best of the land."

And it was the best.... nothing.... and I say NOTHING compares to knowing that God just used you to impact someones life for His kingdom. It's the most comforting, encouraging, amazing feeling ever.

So, as I told my dad last night. Yes, God did tell me to ride horses, and He'll fill in the details.

*So if you will.... please join me in praying for JT. That God will continue to open doors there for me. That she will remain open to Him. Pray for a soft heart , for us both. That I will remain obedient and willing. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be from Him. And also that I will remain strong, realizing that all around there are people watching my every move. I want my light to shine and for His love to be seen in my every action.

Multitude Monday

2010-09-13T09:00:00.001-05:00

Last week was a long one. A lot of crazy things mixed with a lot of great things. I see God at work but it sure is crazy.

# 401-425

A great friend

Cool morning and a light rain

Good football games

My iphone

A great kickoff for Awana's

Text messages

The anticipation of NFL starting

Shopping

Late night talks

A long trailride

A roommate who shares my love of horses

Canned peaches

Getting paid to watch SEC football

A Saturday morning at work which begins with coffee and college gameday

Finding the perfect shirt for my nephew, "I don't come with mute button" if only you knew just how perfect it fits this 3 year old :-)

Butterflies on the trail

A few more boxes unpacked

A training schedule

Goals for the upcoming horse show

Friendly competition

Early morning feeding of the horses... all tucked in their dry stalls munching on grain while rain pours all around

Knowing that He is my all in all

Late night pondering's

A God who cares enough to lecture me when I'm wrong

The peace that is given when I finally give in to His ways

Completely off topic post

2010-09-09T14:09:00.001-05:00

So I really didn't think I would write on here about this.... but really I can't help myself.

You see I like football.... well maybe that's an understatement. I LOVE football.

College is fantastic and I am a true Arkansas Razorback fan. I love them hogs and when my 3 yr old nephew feels like I'm ignoring him he starts that wooooooooooo pig sooooooey and it always works (I've trained him well) :-):-)

However, nothing compares to my dedication and love for my Patriots. I am a loyal, die hard New England fan.

Like so loyal that this morning at about 7 I get a twitter update from Mike Reese, their media guy, saying that Tom Brady was in a car wreck. That was it. I think my heart might have stopped. It was a long 5 min before the next update came that said he was ok.

Needless to say... that's not a good way to be woken up in the morning.

Are you catching on to the fact that I sorta like football:-)

Well... tonight is the kickoff for the NFL. I love watching college football, especially SEC, but I completely and utterly enjoying watching NFL. Tonight the Vikings play the Saints and I am practically jumping up and down with excitement!

Oh and I get my iphone today:-)

So really... its a perfect day:-)

Roomie had to remind me of that after some things that happened earlier today. But I'm looking past those things and counting down the hours till kickoff

5 and a half hours!!!!!!!!!!

Apples and Spaghetti

2010-09-09T12:40:00.001-05:00

Sometimes life doesn't go the way we plan on it going.

Sometimes His plans and my plans are like apples and spaghetti.

Sometimes I don't like His plans.... and sometimes I have the audacity to tell Him so.

That's what I did the other night. On the long drive home, I tuned out the child in the back telling stories to her stuffed dog, and had a long talk with my Maker.

So many thoughts running through my head... so many things going on in my life..... so many paths that can be taken.

He says, "I want you to walk this way".... I say, "I want to walk that way."

He says, "if you will go my way... willingly and obediently then you will eat the best of the land."

I say.... "how about I take this road and eat the second best of the land??"

That was the wrong thing to say.

I feel His anger... or maybe its more like disappointment.

Really... really?? "You would settle for the second best when I'm willing to give you the best???" He firmly asks.

Have you've ever been there?? So uncomfortable with the path that has been laid before you that you shake your head no. It looks so different.... maybe even scary... that you cling to this other idea and stop in your tracks unwilling to move forward.

He's been so patient with me these last few months as I've struggles and wrestled with His plans. Last night I knew that the time for patience was over.

Like a father who firmly puts his foot down and says enough. The Father says, "No, this is not an okay thing to ask. You cannot settle. I care too much for you to let you settle for anything less then the best. I'm sorry that you don't like it, I'm sorry that it's not what you had in mind. But enough of this fighting. I've told you what I expect, where I want you to go. I'm done with your rebellion. It's time to step up and take my hand. You know that I am always here, that I will be there every step of the way. Trust me my child."

Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

I sat there and let His words sink in. I don't like them. I don't like what He is asking me to do... I'm not exactly thrilled about the direction He is asking me to go.

You see, this path... the one He wants me on.... is lonely.I know it is because He has told me so. That, I'm pretty sure is the reason that I fight so hard.

I kept asking.... begging for a different way, The answer last night was a very clear, no.

The only choice now is to step up and walk forward. Something I've learned in my short time here on this earth is that sometimes the only thing you can do is the next right thing. If I wait on a willingly attitude then I might never move. However if I take that first step... become obedient then He rewards that. The willing and joyful attitude will follow. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next week, but I must keep stepping forward one foot at a time.

There's a large mountain ahead of me and the journey looks treacherous and impossible. But I know that with Him all things are possible and that no path is too treacherous with Him by my side.

Light night ponderings

2010-09-08T10:00:00.001-05:00

Driving home late at night, or rather early one morning.

Driving.... praying..... worshiping... trying to listen.

I'm not very good at listening. A song I love says that I can't hear God if I'm talking.

I talk.... way too much. Maybe that's why I... you have a hard time hearing.

So, I take a deep breathe... and close my mouth. I drive in silence. Trying my best to stop my thoughts... my feelings... my own desires to interfere with hearing His thoughts... His heart... His desires.

A few minutes is all I can give.

As I drive I stare out across the hay fields I'm passing by.... staring up at the heavens, the stars that my Maker has made. I think about His might, His power, His vastness. He created all those stars, yet He cares about this small human driving a car along this old highway.

What does He think about me? What goes through His mind? How is it possible for Him to care so much for me? And what does He want with me? I want to hear His thoughts. I want to feel His heartbeat. I desperately want to do what He wants me to do.
Another favorite song plays.

I smile and let the words fill my soul. The love of the Creator came down and rescued me... He came to set me free. And the best part..... I am His.

No matter how high the mountain is.

No matter how low the valley is.

I am His. I am His.... His forever. For all my days... I am His.

Nothing can separate me from His grasp.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

Counting on....

2010-09-07T14:56:00.001-05:00

Thankfully I and my many animals are all moved into our new house. Getting the horses here was def an adventure... and not a pleasant one. You can read about it here. Quite frustrating... but at least they are here. I cannot describe just how wonderful it is to finally have them in my backyard. I never thought it would happen this quickly. My life is still in boxes. The bathroom is currently the holding area, along with the closet and the whole far side of my room. I am attacking them slowly... one box at a time and a few every day. I finally got the bathroom cleared, only to move the boxes from the car in there... but hey at least my car is now free of boxes:-) It is a very slow process and I'm ready for it to be done so I can start decorating the walls.

Emotionally, I'm doing fantastic. I have such a peace about this move. I know that this is right were I'm supposed to be living. For the first time in awhile I feel like I'm settling into a routine. Which means that God is about to move.... cuz He never leaves me in a routine.... but hey I'm ready for it. I know that He is just preparing me for something great. I have a few things that I've been pondering about lately so stay tuned:-)

#383-400

My new house

Sleeping in my bed for the first time in 2 weeks

Getting the 5 yr old ready for school

My nephews smile

Talks with a friend

The strange way that the Lord works

Water fights

Cooler weather

Shopping with my parents

Celebrating my dad's birthday

A wonderful night with just the girls

Getting up early and kissing the noses of my horses

A good workout with both horses

An arena with lights:-)

Long drives and good talks with the Father

Money for an iphone

The freedom of being financially on my own

Peace from Him that only He can give

The LORD gives strength to His people; the LORD blesses His people with peace.
Psalm 29:11

His Hands

2010-09-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

His hands are mighty, they formed the heavens and the earth.

His hands are creative, they form each and every one of us.

His hands are full of mercy.

"Let us fall into the hands of the LORD, for His mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men."
2 Samuel 24:14

His hands are powerful, they have wiped out entire nations in one full swoop.

His hands are tender, they hold our tears in them.

His hands are healing hands.

"For He wounds, but He also binds up;
He injures, but His hands also heal."

Job 5:18

His hands are always open, He never turns one of His children away. No matter how far you have ran, or how long you've been gone.

"The works of His hands are faithful and just; all His precepts are trustworthy."
Psalm 111:7

Never Alone

2010-09-02T11:24:00.001-05:00

I love that He is personal... and that He speaks to me in ways that I understand. In ways that I can relate too.

This song has been out for some time now, yet it seems that lately it is always playing when I turn on the radio.

Sometimes our feelings betray us... sometimes He feels far way. At times.... it even feels as if He has abandoned us.

Have you've been there?

I have.

I'm not currently there... but I know some of you are.

There are days that I cry out to Him and I get no reply, days when I feel as if I'm walking this road alone. Emotions can be misleading, a tool the enemy uses to plant doubt deep inside.

He is a part of me.... He and I are one. Never to be separated... for all of eternity I will be with Him. There has never been a day.. a second... since that day 10 years ago that I have walked alone.

It doesn't matter what your feelings are telling you.

He is there.

He is here.

Always and forever.... holding onto you.... step by step guiding you.

Rest in that simply, yet profound fact. Take it to heart. Hold tight to that when loneliness creeps in and tries to drag you down.

Unwanted lesson

2010-09-01T08:00:00.003-05:00

Sitting in church, listening.... struggling. The pastor says words that do not sit well within this rebellious and wretched person.

Words... questions that challenge who I am and who I want to be.

Do you ever give God advice on what He should do with your life?

I grimace, hide my eyes and inside I fill with shame. The answer is of course yes, far more often then I'd like to admit.

Then something stirs within and I hear a quiet yet clear voice.... how often do you get mad when I don't listen to your advice?

Ouch.... ok Father, you got me, right where You want me... right where I need to be.

I'm listening even though the words hurt, even though the lesson is unwanted.

The pastor preaches on, reminding me of truths I know, truths that are at the core of who I am.

I am most satisfied when I am satisfied in Him. The happiest I will ever be, is right where He wants me.

Not where I want to be.

No greater joy can be found then that which is found when I am at the center of His will... when He is the center of my life.

I ask Him for forgiveness... I don't like being outside His will. I desperately want Him to be what my life is centered around.

Father forgive me when I fail you, forgive me when I think I know best. Thank you for extending great mercy upon one who deserves nothing but Your wrath.

An absolutly fantastical road trip

2010-08-31T14:52:00.001-05:00

So about the only thing I regret about this past weekend is that I did not bring my camera. It was an awesome adventure and I must say that about 15 min into the trip I realized that my God has a big sense of humor.

Oh where to even begin!!

Well when I left work on Friday evening I had to rush home and do outside chores and pack. I also made time for a real quick shower and fixed some mac and cheese for us for dinner.

The plan was for M and P to leave their town at 6, pick me up at 6:30 and be on our way. The drive according to google map is about 6 hours to our destination. Well M didn't leave his place till 6 which means he didn't get P till 6:30 which means I didn't get picked up till closer to 7. Hmmmm.... already running late.

So we leave my place around 7ish and get on the road.

9 hours later....... we finally pull into our destination....lol. Oh yes there is quite a story behind that.

You see when I go on road trips usually I arrive sooner then the map says... not longer.

However P was in charge and not I. This is why about 15 min into the drive I realized that God must have wanted some seriously funny entertainment for the weekend.

Lets just put it this way:

3 sassy individuals + 1 truck + 6 (or more) hour trip + no map = ~~fun~~ er... trouble

Don't get me wrong.... we had some serious fun.

The 2 hr drive to Memphis was considerably quiet. P was reading her book while I picked M's brain and made deals with him about the music... He wanted Creed... I wanted DCB* we compromised and started off with 2 Charlie Hall songs (since we were planning on seeing him Sat night... this info is important, more on that in a min), all of Creed's new cd followed by all of DCB* church music. ( i get the better deal(-:) then we tried to agree on some... ok so he most likely just gritted his teeth through the Beckah Shae cd. But in my defense I just don't think I could of gone all night without hearing Life... it really is the ultimate road trip song.

We get to Memphis and all is well. Then P announces it's time for a bathroom stop.... half an hour later we finally find a gas station that actually has one. Then the ~~arguing~~ discussion of the hwy we needed to be on started. M said one, P said another. I just looked at them both and said I ain't got a clue (which was true). We went P's way (she was right, P-1, M-0).

Away we went and all was quiet.

Lol.... right.

Of course P was very excited that she was right and M, being male was not going to acknowledge that he had been wrong. And so began me being the parent telling P to be nice and stop bragging, while telling M to please just tell her she was right so that we could get some peace!!!

Ok so sometime around 12 or so we get to Florance, AL. M is following the signs for the hwy...P is still reading... I'm harassing M with all my nosy questions and my crazy choice of music. All of a sudden there is a fountain in front of us. I mean dead in front of us. We are headed straight for the front part of the University of North Alabama. Don't ask me how we got there. M just looks at me with a very questioning look. Yes, I did see the signs and I agree this is where they lead us.

So what did we do?? Well we parked the truck of course and went for a stroll around the campus!!!!

We saw this pretty fountain

and to our surprise we saw this

except it was dark and there were no lions out)-: Still I thought it was pretty cool that they had a lion exhibit.

A little bit later we got back in the truck and continued on our way.

~~Argument~~ discussion about direction #2 begins. This time M is right (so now they are tied). By now we are just a little bit tired and maybe a tad bit crabby. Thankfully all three of us are sassy and none of us take things too personal. So no hurt feelings, but we were all ready for some sleep. Around 3ish we finally pull into the driveway.

The deal was to get up somewhat early... let P drive the car (that's what we were doing picking up her car from some friends who had fixed up an old car for her). The car was a stick and P had very little experience driving one (ah yes, that itself was a whole other adventure which we will not go into here). Leave around 10 so that we would have plenty of time to make it to the Charlie Hall concert.

Just FYI.... life never goes the way you plan.

So 10 comes and we are about to load up.... P goes out to start her car... which she just got back from driving around the block mind you. And.... it won't start.... it is dead. Long story short and an hour later its the alternator. So 2.5 hours later new alternator is in and we are finally pulling out of the driveway. P and I riding together with M following.

Oh and by the way... I, the brilliant one of the bunch, have in my hands a print out of the directions from Al to the concert.... I was not up for round 3 of the direction ~~argument~~ discussion.

Well it did not take us 9 hours to get home. We did in fact make it to the concert... just in time to hear the last three songs(-: Which were amazing by the way. And yes that means we made the drive in under 6 hours... just don't ask.

We did not leave poor M by himself the whole way. I did jump in his truck and took control of his stereo and ask him serious life questions. P and I of course spent our time talking (no radio in the old car) and came up with great solutions to all the worlds problems(-:

And that my sweet blogger friends is the end of the fantastical road trip adventure.

And yes.... M and I were just talking today about when we can take the next one.... however we will be planning the trip and not P (-:

Multitude Monday

2010-08-30T23:07:00.001-05:00

Well... the weekend is over:-( Back to reality!! I am officially no longer a resident of that small little town I grew to love and very sad to leave it behind for now. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll officially be living in my new home. At least the bed is put together... it might be covered in boxes... but hey I can't be picky, right??

It's Multitude Monday and this week I'm changing things up... just for once:-)

#341-382

I love that the God I serve is BIG

I love that my ways are not His ways

I love His sense of humor

I love Him

I love my amazing friends that have been through so much with me and still put up with me

I love meeting new people

I love when my first impression of someone turns out to be wrong... in a good way of course

I love road trips

I love that God put three extremely sassy people... in a truck.... for 9 hours

I love worshiping in the car... loudly!!!

I love worshiping with friends

I love that God sends chaos our way to remind us that it's all about Him

I love that He usually ignores the advice I give Him

I love that He knows best

I love it when friends help each other out

I love it when He changes my mind so that I might see His plan more clearly

I love being nosy

I love getting to know who people really are

I love talking about Him with others

I love seeing growth in others

I love unexpected talks in a driveway

I love having sleepovers with the p's girls

I love waking up to those girls crawling in bed with me

I love that someday I'll be woken up like that on a regular basis

I love how counting these blessings work on my hard heart

I love that He never stops caring

I love that He knows me

I love that He calls me His own... His daughter... His princess... His loved one

I love making pancakes with the p kids

I love watching a 6 yr old over joyed at the successful attempt at cracking an egg for the first time

I love that He asks us to look for joy in the small things

I love snow cones in the summer

I love hardworking kids who work with smiles on their faces

I love that He takes us out of comfort zones so that we might grow closer to Him

I love He hears my prayers

I love that He is faithful

I love that He loves me

I love Him

I love Him

I love Him

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
Psalm 73:21

New Friend Friday

2010-08-27T13:22:00.001-05:00

It is absolutely gorgeous here in AR today. We finally have some relief from the horrible heat that seemed to never end. This 90 degree weather feels a bit chilly compared to the 100+ temps that we have been experiencing. The only problem is I'm stuck in the office:-( I don't mind being stuck inside when the temp is boiling (literally) hot but when its feels perfect... not so much.

So random, spontaneous news just came in.... a friend needs someone to ride with her to AL. It would be a 12 hour round trip. Leave this evening after I get off and get back in time for the Charlie Hall concert tomorrow at 6:-) sounds crazy!!! First thing... got to see if bosses daughter can cover for me tomorrow as I am supposed to be working. Fingers crossed-praying silently-secretly jumping up and down at the very possibility.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE road trips?? Maybe love isn't strong enough. Road trips are one oh my fav things to do. I love to see the country... to ride with the windows down.... to listen to music and sing at the top of my lungs:-) And a road trip with 2 friends make it even better. When I lived in VA for the year I went to grad school I would make the 12 hour trip home often. In fact that first semester I came home at least once a month if not more... my baby brother was a senior and first year starting kicker for the varsity football team... and of course had to make it to a few Razorbacks game:-) So.... needless to say I want to go on this trip super bad!!!! All this moving has made me a little stressed and a road-trip is the perfect cure.

Ramblings on God and boys

2010-08-26T13:51:00.002-05:00

There's this topic that I've been writing on for some time. I have yet to actually publish one on it... maybe because I don't really want to... maybe because I don't quite have it figured out yet... or maybe because I'm just afraid to. However, I figured that it's time... time to just let go and let my fingers do the talking. Sometimes rambling on about a subject helps me to understand it more. Guess that's what I'm about to do.

The topic has to do with me.... or maybe it's more about another person I don't yet know... or maybe it's all about Him.

From the outside I'm a strong, put together, confident single woman. On the inside I'm a quiet, shy, searching little girl who just wants to be someones princess.

This journey of singleness that I am currently on is not one that I have ever desired. Yet, I know that it is one that He has asked me to be on... at least for just a little while longer. There aren't many quality choices out there... maybe one.. maybe two.. or maybe none. I don't believe in seeking them out, not to say that God doesn't have others do it that way, but for me that would just be a way for me to take control and God says no. In fact He even says no when I say no and put up walls. I can't go searching for the one but I also can't just shut out all guys.

He says no, stop trying to steer the car. I am to sit there next to Him and let Him control the direction... at all times... and quietly... and obediently... with a good attitude. He wants a simple yes sir from me and that's all.

I like to roll my eyes, sigh, slump down in the chair with my arms crossed, while mumbling something not very nice. I don't like to be told what to do, and I don't like to be to told to be quiet. Guess I'm not quite out of the adolescence phase of life yet huh???

A long while back a few friends and I were sitting around a table talking about boys and relationships. There was only one married woman at the table the rest of us were single.. none even dating at the time (now I'm the only one still single... lol). I don't know how we got to the following statement but I'll never forget it. But before I tell you it there's a disclaimer... it sounds really rude and mean but it wasn't it. I actually, still to this day, find it rather amusing because first off it's true and secondly I knew exactly what she meant and you just have to know the other 2 girls that were sitting there at the table. She told me "Mama's don't want their boys to grow up and marry girls like you and me... they want them to marry a girl like______."

You see her and I are a scary type of girl. We are that fiercely independent, strong-willed, I-don't-need-anyone type of girl that is covered from head to toe, and several layers thick of pure sass. A sweet, passive, quiet man just won't do for girls like us. I can't just get along with anyone and try as I do it just isn't possible for me to not offend someone a couple times a week... truth kinda just pours out of my mouth on occasion. Not to mention the fact that I want at least half-a-dozen kiddos, mostly adopted from around the world, and I plan on home-schoolin' em all. Not many guys out there that want to be on a journey like that.

I am aware of all of this and lets say... oh about... 89% of the time I am more then ok with this. I don't want to settle for just any man. But the older I get the more impossible it seems to find one that doesn't get his feelings hurt easily or that isn't afraid to stand up to me. And it doesn't help that out of the 20 or so people in our circle of friends I am one of 2 single girls and all the single guys are at least 3 years younger. It can get slightly depressing at times.

About a year ago a relationship that I was sure would end up lasting forever ended. It was hard at the time but looking back it was the best thing that ever happened. He and I just are not right for each other. I struggled for awhile asking God not why it had ended but why I even had to go through it... why not just never of had us date. I knew when he asked me out that it was God's will for me to say yes. So I never questioned whether I was wrong to have entered the relationship to begin with.

As the months went by I learned that God used that relationship to reveal some weak spots in my life. One of them is that I so badly desired to be married that I was willing to settle for the first guy that I was in a relationship with. He wasn't... isn't... a bad guy. He just isn't right for me. I never noticed how far I had slipped from being myself till I had been out of it for a few weeks. I had lost my sass... because he couldn't handle it. I stopped riding.... because he didn't like horses. I had given up some friendships.... because he didn't care for them. God showed me that the sass... the love of horses... those friends were the way He made me.... the people He put in my life. Giving up those things were wrong. I can't change who I am for some boy. It might be ok for awhile but as the years went by I'd be miserable.

Thankfully I didn't end up marrying that boy. Thankfully God not only knows what is better for me but also sees to it that I go in the right direction. So here I am today... determined to be who He made me to be, sass and all. I'm going to walk in His ways and worry only about His glory... trusting that someday that boy will find me and meet me where I am at. All I have to do is focus on seeking His face and He'll take care of all the details.

On that note I shall turn the post over to my fav country boy Mr. George Strait and his wonderful song, "How 'bout them cowgirls"

Boy, she don't need you and she don't need me

She can do just fine on her own two feet

But she wants a man who wants her to be herself

And she'll never change, don't know how to hide

Her stubborn will or her fightin' side

But you treat her right and she'll love you like no one else

Moving...house sitting... fractured toe

2010-08-25T11:35:00.001-05:00

Sorry about the neglect here lately. Let's just say that life has been a bit hectic the last few weeks.

I HATE moving... the word hate is not strong enough for my feelings toward moving.

Everything... er... well... almost everything is out of my old house, which is awaiting the deep cleaning that is required to get my deposit back by next Monday night. I took 2 extra days of work this week (what was I thinking??). My parents have left for 2 weeks... my brother has left for 5 months... so that leaves me to care for their house, plus look out for my lil sis. Which wouldn't be that bad except for the fact that my life is in boxes... my bed is in pieces... my clothes are in bags... and I can't find my Bible.

If life wasn't already stressful enough... my dog went and fractured his toe... no, I'm not kidding. My dog has fractured his toe. It's not funny, well sorta, but not in the haha funny way. This dog is a survivor of heart worms and lime disease. I informed him that this is not to become a habit. We are not switching from deadly diseases to broken bones. He has used up his life savings already so there's no more vet money with his name on it. Period!! I'm done. He cannot do this anymore.

The vet said he should heal just fine... he could put a splint on it which won't speed up the healing process but might make it less painful... just one problem... it can't get wet he said. LOL... right... my lab/golden retriever stay dry... you have got to be kidding me. The dog could be on his death bed yet would still find some way to get soaking wet. I told him that I think it would be beast just to leave him be. Good thing I did... that x-ray + pain meds was enough to make me want to cry. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't just paid the horses $300 vet bill the day before...sigh... when it rains it pours right. That is what savings accounts are for (I have to keep telling myself that).

Praising Him for multitudes of blessings

2010-08-25T11:22:00.001-05:00

Yes... I am aware that it has been over a week... and that I have yet to count my blessings this week. I have several posts that I am currently working on and since I am sitting here at work with nothing to do I think today is the perfect day to finish them and post them.

First off... I need to remember all the amazing blessings He has sent my way this week.

#324-340

An almost empty house

Extra days at work

A week and a half till the first Razorback game!!! Go Hogs!!!

Two and a half weeks till the first Pats game!!!!

Two and a half weeks till Romeo's first show.... YIKES!!!!

Friends to help move

A butt chewing from God that when I finally listened turned out to be ok

A fun Sunday afternoon drive with 2 great friends

Funny faces with Embery

A chance to be one of God's angels to a pregnant lady who needed a ride

Praying with that lady, hoping that we left a lasting impression that will lead her to His feet

Celebrating a little girls 6th birthday... oh how time flies

Throwing a beach ball around with the nephew, in his bedroom, when I was supposed to be putting him to bed.... shhhh.... don't tell his mom:-)

The smell of leather in my new tack room

The view from my new kitchen window.... it consists of a pasture with horses (soon mine will be back there), the arena (with lights and jumps!!), and a barn:-):-):-)

New curtains... a new rug... and a new pillow

A bareback ride with my best mare which helped relieve some stress.

What Faith really is....

2010-08-16T11:58:00.002-05:00

"This is what faith really is:
believing, not with the head or the lips or out of habit, but believing with one's whole life. It means seeking community with ....
Christ in every situation in life."
Jurgen Moltmann

#301-323

Friends to stay out late with

A dollar movie

Realizing that summer is almost over and quickly trying to cram as many late nights out we can:-)

Hearing two little girls get overly excited at having some "Kaffer time"

The amazing power of persuasion silly bandz hold

A shopping outing with a "lil sis"

Hearing about my nephew's immense love for horses, he takes after his aunt:-)

Knowing that that horse God has blessed me with for so many years is used to bless others

Teenage girls and all their joy

Enjoying the first preseason game

Gearing up for the start of football season!!

Words from a little girl visiting my SS class that just makes me laugh

The eagerness of some young girls who are soooo excited that I am letting them come help me pack

Going through old boxes full of memories

Laughing with friends about things from the past

The bittersweet feelings of seeing everything going in boxes

Two new daisies blooming

Fun adventures with lil mis embery

Hearing my roommate excited voice as she tells me all the plans she has for us to ride when I move

Planning a fall camping trip

Soaking in His grace

Sweet songs of praise lifted up to Him

Pondering on His greatness, yet His closeness and wondering how a God so big can also be a God so close.

Never alone

2010-08-14T14:33:00.002-05:00

Have you ever stood on a mountain and looked out across the vastness of His creation and felt alone?

Ever feel completely isolated... from everything... and everyone?

It's not always a bad place to be. Sometimes He takes us to that place so that we might find Him. Sometimes the business of life make it hard to see Him. Too many distractions makes Him seem far away... make it harder to hear His voice.

So He brings us to a place where we can hear Him. A place that may seem too quiet. In the loud world we live in the quiet can seem intimidating. Most often it is in the stillness that we hear Him.

He leads me beside still waters...

Psalm 23

So that I might hear Him.

Sometimes I have to feel alone to realize that I'm never alone.

A picture of His creation takes away my breath.

The greatness of my Maker at times makes me feel so small... so insignificant. Standing on the mountaintop, taking in the enormity of my surroundings, I realize that He is soooo big. Yet He is not beyond reach. He is interested in every little detail. Even the smallest flower receives His personal touch.

So when you find yourself caught in the period of loneliness... don't fight it. Stay there for a moment and dwell on His greatness... on just how big He is and just how small you are. Let it sink in that the world does not revolve around you. Then breathe in the air around you.... the air that He provided to fill your lungs. Drink in His presence... after all it's all around you, never leaving you... not even for a second. He really is closer to you then your skin. He really does live inside of you. Surround yourself with His creation, and realize this...

"Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life."
Rachel Carson

(Found a website of a photographer that I just love!! All these pictures were found here. I love pictures of His creation and this guy seems to be gifted with capturing some of the most intricate details.... you can be sure that I will be using his photos regularly.)

Dew in a desert

2010-08-10T16:53:00.001-05:00

It's raining... the large drops of water hit the ground and the flowers and grass drink their full. Scorching heat has left them dry... begging for rain. He hears their cry and answers. The Almighty cares about His creation and He always provides... even for the smallest flower.

It has been dark lately... dark and dry. Words written long ago, in the back of a copy of His love letter reminds me

The freshest dew and the purest air are always found in the desert.

The sweetness of those words taste like honey and soothe my soul. He encourages even in the darkest times. He is a personal God, not some far off being sitting on His throne. He will not let me remain weary. If I reach out to Him, He will answer.

Words from a prophet of old speak wisdom and as the weeks go by the truth of his words can be seen in my life.

I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own, it is not for man to direct his steps.
Jeremiah 10:23

He asks me if I'm willing to let Him direct the steps... even if the road ahead looks dreary. Will I set one dream aside so that another can be fulfilled? Will I take a leap of faith and follow Him on a journey that is full of uncertainties and at times extremely despairing and lonely? My love for Him is tested and He wants an answer. He seeks my undying devotion and a willingness to trust Him no matter how dark the road gets.

The storms roll in and turmoil erupts all around me. The unexpected happens and it feels like the enemy is winning... and maybe he is. Let him rejoice in is current victories because one day he will be finished. Soon he will forever be destroyed... I turn to the hope that He promises an eternal victory. There will be a day with no more tears, no more fears, and no more pain. The enemies victory will be for but a moment because the Almighty will win forever.

He sends another verse... one more to be hung on a wall to serve as a daily reminder that He is real, He answers those who call for help and that His voice is distinct.

"They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you to rescue you and save you."
Jeremiah 15:20

The enemy will fight... will seek to destroy us all. He is not weak and he is relentless. He seeks to make us weary, to send us into confusion, anything that will lead us out of our Father's arms. When we reach our breaking point. When all we want to do is give up and stop fighting, that is when He steps in. He swoops in like a knight in shining armor to rescue his fair maiden from danger. He is the great Rescuer. The Lover who never stops loving. He picks us up and sets our feet on solid ground and slowly but surely begins to restore us.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

Quotes from A.W. Tozer

2010-08-10T15:31:00.001-05:00

I'm a tweeter... and today's tweets from Louie Giglio are his top 10 favorite quotes from the great theologian A.W. Tozer. I thought that these were so good that they just had to be shared! If you have never heard of him you should go out and grab a copy of any of his books. My fav is The Pursuit of God.

10. (God) expects of us only what He Himself supplied.
9. We are called to an everlasting preoccupation with God.
8. We please God most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms.
7. Our pursuit of God is successful just because He is forever seeking to manifest Himself to us.
6. Let a man set his heart only on doing the will of God and he is instantly free.
5. God, being who He is, must always be sought for Himself, never as a means toward something else.
4. Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will.
3. Prayer is never an acceptable substitute for obedience.
2. God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which He must work.
1. It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it.

Number 8 is my fav... number 5 and 3 I found to be very convicting. I never thought as prayer being a substitute for obedience. It makes a lot of sense... sometimes I am hesitant in following Him so I say I need to spend more time in prayer about it. I need to learn and pray that His voice will be clear and that I will not hesitate to follow.

I'm a slacker

2010-08-10T14:03:00.001-05:00

Last week came and went with no blessings counted. Not a good thing to slack off on. The last few weeks have been very busy, hard, overwhelming, although many blessings have shown through the darkness. I added a few new verses to my doors last week. I will try to post them here later today after I get some work down.

But I will trust in Your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for He has been good to me.

Psalm 13:5&6

#272-300

The goodness of the Lord prevails even in our darkest hour

His blessings never cease

Nor does His love

Nor His grace

A new home

A home where my lovely horses can abide in my backyard

An answer to a prayer for those horses to be in my backyard

What looks like a great opportunity developing to minster to those in need of some Jesus

The prospect of more riding students

A relatively cooler week (100 temps instead of 115 temps)

A friend home from summer camp

A friend home for a visit

Fantastic cuddles with baby Ben

Watching Lexi sit up

Dreaming about the future with 2 great friends

Watching God move in the life of others

The best friends anyone could ever ask for (sorry ya'll I got 'em)

Prayers for my sister with my "sisters"

A hug from my baby brother

Encouraging words from my pastor

An awesome time of worship at church

Songs with little ones

Giggles from a baby

A good talk with a young boy seeking to be a man

Baking bread

A wonderful evening with an absolute amazing family from church

Tucking away dreams for the future

Knowing that some dreams have to be tucked away for later so that other dreams can come true

Realizing that God knows the very best plans for my life and trusting in Him to direct my steps

The power of prayer

2010-08-07T14:11:00.002-05:00

I was reading a post from Mrs K. on the topic of prayer. Interesting, as this topic has been a popular one among my friends and family as of late. I have a few pet peeves when it comes to prayer and what makes it worse is that I myself do the very things that I find so annoying.

The first one I'll address is that we tend to hit our knees when life gets rough. When the storms roll in that is when people tend to pick up their prayer life. Now just to clarify before you get mad at me, I believe that prayer is the BEST thing for weathering a storm. There is no greater thing you can for a person then to pray for them. The problem is, and hear me on this.... I am not innocent here, I am just as guilty as the next person. The problem is that for a lot of us, this period of storms is the only time we have a consistent prayer life. I imagine that the Creator of the Universe does not like to be called upon just as a problem solver. You don't, I don't, so why do we think He would??? You... and I forget that God isn't just sitting up there waiting to fix things. He wants relationships. He is your, my Father and from my experience dad's don't like to be called upon only when I'm in need of something. Of course He will always be there, He never leaves and loves that we turn to Him in our times of need. It is good to realize that He can fix things, that He is one who gives peace, comfort, and love when we need it the most.

The next one is related and lately it's the one I find myself doing a whole lot... isn't it frustrating to struggle with something that just annoys the mess out of you!?! How much time do you spend in prayer asking God for something... or using the word I maybe followed by the word want?? You probably don't notice it... I urge you pay attention for the next week. Although you might get really annoyed at yourself because you do it more then you think. I have been trying for at least the last 6 months to really work on my prayer habits. It's been rather difficult to do. I find that I have spells where I do really well and then I go a while with barely spending anytime in prayer. My suspicion is that the enemy works really hard to distract me from this because prayer is a dangerous tool and if I develop good prayer habits the enemy has to work twice as hard. Which should be great motivation for me to get it right...lol. I tend to use the time I spend in the car driving to and from work to prayer. Lately I realize that I spend an awful lot of that time praying for myself... which isn't all bad. However, I think that there has to be a balance... and maybe, just maybe..... my prayers for others should outweigh the prayers for myself.

My fear is that we are a generation and are raising generations that underestimate the power of prayer. Sure prayer is still (at least I hope it is) something we do out of habit before meals, with kids before bed, and in our church services. Those habits aren't the problem... problems arise when this is all we do. It stays just a habit and often we get complacent. Again I think that the enemy tries really hard to convince us that the little bit of prayer that we do is plenty. He wants us to think that prayer is just another thing to put on a checklist.

Prayer is far more important then we realize it is. I am fortunate to go to a church that is slowly learning that and it is amazing to watch. I have learned a lot about how to pray from our pastors as our whole church body seeks to grow in this area. I am very blessed to go to a church that believes in prayer and is seeking to understand it more.

I think that we tend to underestimate this power. When storms come, sure we pray for God's help, guidance, peace, but then we go about seeking to find the solution, often forgetting to listen for and answer to our prayer. Scripture says that if we seek Him, we will find Him. If we ask for guidance it will come, but not always when we think it should. Far too often we ask... then fail to wait for an answer. A lot of times the answer comes later because God wants to us to realize that sometimes we have to wait for an answer. I think we, especially us Americans, fail to hear answers to prayer because we are far too impatient. We live in an on-demand culture, everything we need and want is right at our fingertips and we rarely have to wait for anything. God never has, doesn't, and never will comply with our on-demand way of life. God does not revolve around man. Man revolves around Him and it is this concept that we humans fail to understand. Prayer isn't simply a way to communicate to God what it is that we need or want. Prayer is about communication... its a way for us to connect with Him. It's a way for us to build our relationship with Him, a way to grow closer to Him so that we might know how serve Him better... not the other way around.

Well how about that for a soapbox? That wasn't my intention but oh well, guess I needed to get that off my chest.

Anyways... back to post I read...lol. There was a quote in the post that I really like and need to ponder on for a bit.

“If we trust in the sovereignty of God, we wrestle our way to peace in the knowledge that if an answer to prayer is for our highest good, the God who loves us will not withhold it.”
– Lana Bateman

I'm not sure I like how its worded for our better good though. If the word "good" there is referring to us become more like Christ then I agree. The very best thing for myself is to be empty of self and full of Christ. (Are you following me?? Cuz if I ever get to theological for you tell me. Really... we Seminary students forget that not everyone reads theology books for pleasure) So if an answer to prayer is what will ultimately bring me closer to Christ then yes, I believe that God will not withhold if from us. The thing that we don't realize is that God is in the business of holiness... not happiness. (Remember that His def of happiness and ours are usually pretty different) What I perceive that Bateman is trying to tell us here is that sometimes God answers prayers in a way that makes us upset, hurt, sad, even angry. We have to trust that our God, who is without a shadow of a doubt sovereign, has the very best in mind for us. That He knows that the way things are going will ultimately lead us closer to Him. I like that she uses the word wrestle to peace here. Our Father doesn't think that it will easy to accept when He answers in ways like this. He understands that we are not sovereign and allows us room to wrestle our way to find peace in His decision. We must trust in His love.

God has really been testing my prayer life lately... many friends and family going through some really big storms lately. If you get a chance say a prayer for my sister, and for a wife/mother of three who is dying of cancer (good news is that last Sat she gave her life to Christ..PTL!!! We have been praying for this for months.... God answers prayer!!!). Thank you so much for the prayers that have already been lifted up. You guys are a blessing from above.

Friday update

2010-07-30T10:20:00.002-05:00

It's been a loooooooooooooooong week. My boss has gone out of town so instead of working 3 days this week I'm working 6. 52 hours sitting at a desk gets really old.... really fast. The good thing about working the extra days is that the paycheck will be very nice and since I just got the horse vet bill in I desperately need some extra cash this month. The bad news is that I still have to find time to clean my mom's house, and since there is no time left after those 2 jobs I had to tell my new riding student that she couldn't come out for a lesson:( and there's no time to ride myself:( Thankfully the week is almost over!!

So, I haven't spent any time updating you on the crazy things that are going on. Last week I had a job interview and go in Monday to meet the staff. It is more hours then I am getting at my current job and the pay is slightly better. It is also only 15 min away from my current house and not 45 min away. To complicate matters I am moving. I've been praying for either a roommate or a cheaper place to live. Well.... God answered of course and the new place is pretty cool... I'll have my horses in my backyard!!! To read about just how excited I am about it and for more info on the place go to Life with Romeo since its a horse girls dream place I thought it more appropriate to write about it over there.

The complicated part is that this place is near the current job...so..... not sure if I should take the new job. We'll see I guess. The next month will be crazy.. I like moving, but I hate packing... lol. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

On a different note, my fam is in need of prayer. I won't go into much detail but my lil sis and her husband just need some serious prayer. If you get a chance to pray for them I'd appreciate it.

Multitude Monday

2010-07-26T14:01:00.001-05:00

This summer I challenged by Sunday school kids to memorize a passage of Scripture. I chose Psalm 27. I think God had me chose it more for my sake then for theirs. I have been amazed at how hard they have and are working. My class is full of boys with a few girls sprinkled in. They are 8-11 years old, and they are memorizing 14 verses this summer. 1 has already completed the challenge, said the whole passage with just 3 helps!! I love listening to young ones etch Scripture on their hearts, God always honors those who hide His word in their hearts.These young ones are not aware of the great rewards that come with memorizing and meditating on Scripture.

Listening to them say their verses has also made me feel quite guilty. These young children are much better at memorizing Scripture then I am. I need to change this. I came upon a passage of Scripture in Isaiah that I have just fallen in love with. The wording is so beautiful and a great description of His power. I think it is a very fitting passage for Multitude Monday as it is a reminder that He is the ultimate gift-giver. I need to spend more time sitting in awe of His beauty... His power.

Isaiah 10:6-16

No one is like You, O Lord;

You are great, and Your name is mighty in power.

Who should not revere you, O King of the nations?

This is You due.

Among all the wise men of the nations and in all their kingdoms, there is no one like You.

They are all senseless and foolish; they are taught by worthless wooden idols.

Hammered silver is brought from Tarshish

and gold from Uphaz.

What the craftsman and goldsmith have made is then dressed in blue and purple - all made by skilled workers.

But the Lord is the true God;

He is the living God, the eternal King.

When He is angry, the earth trembles; the nations cannot endure His wrath.

"Tell them this, 'These gods, who did not make the heavens and the earth, will perish from the earth and from under the heavens.' "

But God made the earth by HIS power;

He founded the world by HIS wisdom

and stretched out the heavens by HIS understanding.

When He thunders, the waters in the heavens roar,

He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth.

He sends lightening with the rain and brings out the wind from HIS storehouses.

Everyone is senseless and without knowledge; every goldsmith is shamed by his idols. His images are a fraud; they have no breath in them. They are worthless, the objects of mockery; when their judgment comes, they will perish.

HE who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these, for HE is the Maker of all things. including Israel, the tribe of HIS inheritance - the Lord Almighty is HIS name.

This passage gives me chill bumps. I can't help but feel small after reading it. That's MY Father.... my daddy. He who makes the earth tremble is the one I call Abba Father.

I am His... you are His...

I am the daughter of the Almighty, the Maker of all things.

I am loved, not just one of His many children. No, He knows my name, knows my heart, loves me. He thinks I am special. He cares for me, and not just the big things... but the little things too. Every little detail, He knows and cares about.

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My Maker

Sweet gifts sent from above

Open doors

New opportunities

Extra days at work

A fun evening, making new friends

Snuggles with Ben (can you tell I LOVE being an "aunt")

Ice cream run with my mom

Reading time with the nephew

Watching the shy one in class, who struggles with memorizing, say more then he thought he could and the smile on his face when he hears the words, "I'm proud of you"

Hearing those sweet, but loud, children complain because we have run out of time and they will have to wait till next week to hear the end of the story of Ruth.

A ride from a friend, which saves me gas

Gas below $2!!!

Peaches hanging from the tree

The sweet juice tickling down my face

The what seemed like the never-ending canning process, that yielded 2 dozens jars full of sliced peaches

A sticky floor, sticky counter tops, sticky stove, and sticky jars full of peaches

Brokenness

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Brokenness.

Ever been there?

It's necessary this side of heaven.

It is not enjoyable, but the fruit that it bears is so much sweeter.

Brokenness allows walls to come done. It brings healing... it brings joy... and strengthens faith.

Brokenness deepens the bond between Creator and created

It must happen as the created often fails to realize the depth of their own depravity. However, that is why there is grace. Without it there is no hope... no salvation... only death.

Grace is what allows wounds to heal. Grace is what allows a wretched, created vessel like myself to run straight into His arms, even after running far away from Him for so long.

It's always there... always free. Waiting on me to come get it. I can do nothing to earn it.You can do nothing to earn it. It is free. Given to those who He loves.

For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.
Ephesians 1:5-6

The beauty of His word

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He is like the light at sunrise on a cloudless morning

Like the brightness after rain

That brings the grass from the earth

2 Samuel 23:4

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A little girl asking to pray before bed

More cuddles with Ben and watching him smile

The cuteness of a baby trying new foods

New flowers in old pots

Seeing the beauty of His hand while watching that magnificent youngster of mine prance around

A new job

The simple fact that He always provides, even when I fail to trust that He will

An understanding boss

The chance to pray with a hurting sister

Knowing that even in hard times He is still in control

Peace that comes only from above

Watching faith grow

Sisters in Christ who bare each others burdens

A sister willing to say the hard things that move my heart towards repentance

Encouraging words that seek to soothe deep wounds made by loved ones

A repenting heart

A broken spirit

The depth of His forgiveness

Never ending grace

Refreshing words straight from His lips